Love Among the Chickens, P. G. Wodehouse [top non fiction books of all time .TXT] 📗

you can’t keep fowls cooped up indefinitely in a crate.”

“Oh, that’ll be all right. There’s a basement to this house. We’ll let ’em run about there till we’re ready for them. There’s always a way of doing things if you look for it. Organisation, my boy. That’s the watchword. Quiet efficiency.”

“I hope you are going to let the hens hatch some of the eggs, dear,” said Mrs. Ukridge. “I should love to have some little chickens.”

“Of course. By all means. My idea,” said Ukridge, “was this. These people will send us fifty fowls of sorts. That means⁠—call it forty-five eggs a day. Let ’em⁠ ⁠… Well, I’m hanged! There’s that dog again. Where’s the jug?”

But this time an unforeseen interruption prevented the manoeuvre being the success it had been before. I had turned the handle and was about to pull the door open, while Ukridge, looking like some modern and dilapidated version of the Discobolus, stood beside me with his jug poised, when a voice spoke from the window.

“Stand still!” said the voice, “or I’ll corpse you!”

I dropped the handle. Ukridge dropped the jug. Mrs. Ukridge dropped her teacup. At the window, with a double-barrelled gun in his hands stood a short, square, redheaded man. The muzzle of his gun, which rested on the sill, was pointing in a straight line at the third button of my waistcoat.

Ukridge emitted a roar like that of a hungry lion.

“Beale! You scoundrelly, unprincipled, demon! What the devil are you doing with that gun? Why were you out? What have you been doing? Why did you shout like that? Look what you’ve made me do.”

He pointed to the floor. The very old pair of tennis shoes which he wore were by this time generously soaked with the spilled water.

“Lor, Mr. Ukridge, sir, is that you?” said the redheaded man calmly. “I thought you was burglars.”

A short bark from the other side of the kitchen door, followed by a renewal of the scratching, drew Mr. Beale’s attention to his faithful hound.

“That’s Bob,” he said.

“I don’t know what you call the brute,” said Ukridge. “Come in and tie him up. And mind what you’re doing with that gun. After you’ve finished with the dog, I should like a brief chat with you, laddie, if you can spare the time and have no other engagements.”

Mr. Beale, having carefully deposited the gun against the wall and dropped a pair of very limp rabbits on the floor, proceeded to climb in through the window. This operation concluded, he stood to one side while the besieged garrison passed out by the same route.

“You will find me in the garden,” said Ukridge coldly. “I’ve one or two little things to say to you.”

Mr. Beale grinned affably. He seemed to be a man of equable temperament.

The cool air of the garden was grateful after the warmth of the kitchen. It was a pretty garden, or would have been if it had not been so neglected. I seemed to see myself sitting in a deck-chair on the lawn, smoking and looking through the trees at the harbour below. It was a spot, I felt, in which it would be an easy and a pleasant task to shape the plot of my novel. I was glad I had come. About now, outside my lodgings in town, a particularly foul barrel-organ would be settling down to work.

“Oh, there you are, Beale,” said Ukridge, as the servitor appeared. “Now then, what have you to say?”

The hired man looked thoughtful for a moment, then said that it was a fine evening.

“Fine evening?” shouted Ukridge. “What on earth has that got to do with it? I want to know why you and Mrs. Beale were out when we arrived.”

“The missus went to Axminster, Mr. Ukridge, sir.”

“She had no right to go to Axminster. It isn’t part of her duties to go gadding about to Axminster. I don’t pay her enormous sums to go to Axminster. You knew I was coming this evening.”

“No, sir.”

“What!”

“No, sir.”

“Beale,” said Ukridge with studied calm, the strong man repressing himself. “One of us two is a fool.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Let us sift this matter to the bottom. You got my letter?”

“No, sir.”

“My letter saying that I should arrive today. You didn’t get it?”

“No, sir.”

“Now, look here, Beale, this is absurd. I am certain that that letter was posted. I remember placing it in my pocket for that purpose. It is not there now. See. These are all the contents of my⁠—well, I’m hanged.”

He stood looking at the envelope which he had produced from his breast-pocket. A soft smile played over Mr. Beale’s wooden face. He coughed.

“Beale,” said Ukridge, “you⁠—er⁠—there seems to have been a mistake.”

“Yes, sir.”

“You are not so much to blame as I thought.”

“No, sir.”

There was a silence.

“Anyhow,” said Ukridge in inspired tones, “I’ll go and slay that infernal dog. I’ll teach him to tear my door to pieces. Where’s your gun, Beale?”

But better counsels prevailed, and the proceedings closed with a cold but pleasant little dinner, at which the spared mongrel came out unexpectedly strong with ingenious and diverting tricks.

V Buckling To

Sunshine, streaming into my bedroom through the open window, woke me next day as distant clocks were striking eight. It was a lovely morning, cool and fresh. The grass of the lawn, wet with dew, sparkled in the sun. A thrush, who knew all about early birds and their perquisites, was filling in the time before the arrival of the worm with a song or two, as he sat in the bushes. In the ivy a colony of sparrows were opening the day with brisk scuffling. On the gravel in front of the house lay the mongrel, Bob, blinking lazily.

The gleam of the sea through the trees turned my thoughts to bathing. I dressed quickly and went out. Bob rose to meet me, waving an absurdly long tail. The hatchet was definitely buried now. That little matter of the jug of water was forgotten.

A walk of five minutes down the hill brought me, accompanied by Bob,