Our American Cousin, Tom Taylor [best color ereader .TXT] 📗

what? Asa Trenchard Vamose! Mr. Binny Make vamose! Asa Trenchard Absquatulate. Mr. Binny Ab⁠—what sir? Asa Trenchard Skedaddle. Mr. Binny Skedaddle? Asa Trenchard Oh! get out. Mr. Binny Oh! Going. If you are going to dress you’ll want some hassistance. Asa Trenchard Assistance! what to get out of my unmentionables and into them again? Wal, ’spose I do, what then? Mr. Binny Just ring the bell, hi’ll hattend you. Asa Trenchard All right, come along. Mr. Binny going. Hold on, say, I may want to yawn presently and I shall want somebody to shut my mouth. Mr. Binny hurries off, L. 1 E. Wal, now I am alone, I can look about me and indulge the enquiring spirit of an American citizen. What an everlasting lot of things and fixins there is to be sure. Opens table draw. Here’s a place will hold my plunder beautifully. Sees bottle. Hallo, what’s this? Comes down. Something good to drink. Smells bottle. It smells awful bad. Reads label. Golden Fluid, one application turns the hair a beautiful brown, several applications will turn the hair a lustrous black. Well, if they keep on it may turn a pea green. I reckon this has been left here by some fellow who is ashamed of the natural color of his top knot. Knock. Come in. Enter Mr. Binny, L. 1 E. Mr. Binny Mr. Buddicombe, sir, my lord’s hown man. Asa Trenchard Roll him in. Mr. Binny beckons, enter Mr. Buddicombe. Turkey cock number two, what is it? Mr. Buddicombe My Lord Dundreary’s compliments and have you seen a small bottle in the toilet table drawer? Asa Trenchard Suppose I had, what then? Mr. Buddicombe My lord wants it particly. Asa Trenchard Was it a small bottle? Mr. Buddicombe A small bottle. Mr. Binny Bottle small. Asa Trenchard Blue label? Mr. Binny Label blue. Asa Trenchard Red sealing wax on the top? Mr. Buddicombe Red sealing wax. Mr. Binny Wax red. Asa Trenchard Nice little bottle? Mr. Binny Little bottle nice. Asa Trenchard Wal, I ain’t seen it. Aside. If my lord sets a valley on it, guess it must be worth something. Mr. Buddicombe Sorry to trouble you, sir. Mr. Binny Aside to Mr. Buddicombe. What his hit? Mr. Buddicombe My lord’s hair dye, the last bottle, and he turns red tomorrow. Exit in haste. Mr. Binny Orrable, what an hawful situation, to be sure. Asa Trenchard Aside. So I’ve got my ring on that lord’s nose, and if I don’t make him dance to my tune it’s a pity. Mr. Binny Miss Florence begged me to say she had borrowed a costume for you, for the harchery meeting, sir. Asa Trenchard Hain’t you dropped something? Mr. Binny Where? Asa Trenchard What do you mean by the harchery meeting? Mr. Binny Where they shoot with bows and harrows. Asa Trenchard There goes another of them, oh! you need’nt look for them, you can’t find ’em when you want ’em. Now you just take my compliments to Miss Trenchard when I goes out shooting with injurious weapons I always wears my own genuine shooting costume. That’s the natural buff tipped off with a little red paint. Mr. Binny Good gracious, he’d look like Hadam and Heve, in the garden of Eden. Exit Mr. Binny. Asa Trenchard Wal, there’s a queer lot of fixings. Sees shower bath. What on airth is that? Looks like a ’skeeter net, only it ‘ain’t long enough for a feller to lay down in unless he was to coil himself up like a woodchuck in a knot hole. I’d just like to know what the all-fired thing is meant for. Calls. Say Puffy, Puffy, Oh! he told me if I wanted him to ring the bell. Looks round room. Where on airth is the bell? Slips partly inside shower bath, pulls rope, water comes down. Murder! help! fire! Water! I’m drown. Enter Skillet, Sharpe, R. 1 E. Mr. Binny, Mr. Buddicombe, L. 1 E., seeing Asa Trenchard, all laugh, and keep it up till curtain falls.

Curtain.

Act II Scene 1

Oriel Chamber in one.

Enter Mrs. Mountchessington and Augusta, L. 1 E., dressed for Archery Meeting. Mrs. Mountchessington No, my dear Augusta, you must be very careful. I don’t by any means want you to give up De Boots, his expectations are excellent, but, pray be attentive to this American savage, as I rather think he will prove the better match of the two, if what I hear of Mark Trenchard’s property be correct. Augusta Disdainfully. Yes, ma. Mrs. Mountchessington And look more cheerful, my love. Augusta I am so tired, ma, of admiring things I hate. Mrs. Mountchessington Yes, my poor love, yet we must all make sacrifices to society. Look at your poor sister, with the appetite. Augusta What am I to be enthusiastic about with that American, Ma? Mrs. Mountchessington Oh! I hardly know yet, my dear. We must study him. I think if you read up Sam Slick a little, it might be useful, and just dip into Bancroft’s History of the United States, or some of Russell’s Letters; you should know something of George Washington, of whom the Americans are justly proud. Augusta Here he comes, ma. What a ridiculous figure he looks in that dress, ha! ha! Mrs. Mountchessington Hush, my dear! Enter Asa Trenchard, in Archery Dress. Augusta Oh, Mr. Trenchard, why did you not bring me one of those lovely Indian’s dresses of your boundless prairie? Mrs. Mountchessington Yes, one of those dresses in which you hunt the buffalo. Augusta Extravagantly. Yes, in which you hunt the buffalo. Asa Trenchard Imitating. In which I hunt the buffalo. Aside. Buffaloes down in Vermont. Aloud. Wal, you see, them dresses are principally the nateral skin, tipped off with paint, and the indians object to parting with them. Both Ahem! ahem! Asa Trenchard The first buffalo I see about here I shall hunt up for you. Mrs. Mountchessington Oh, you Americans are so clever, and so acute. Augusta Yes, so ’cute. Asa Trenchard Yes, we’re ’cute, we are; know soft solder when we see it. Augusta Aside. Ma, I do believe he’s laughing at us. Mrs. Mountchessington Oh, no, my dear, you are mistaken. Oh! I perceive they are appearing for the archery practice. I suppose we shall see you on the ground, Mr. Trenchard.