The Lives and Opinions of Eminent Philosophers, Diogenes Laërtius [the gingerbread man read aloud TXT] 📗

inflicts the worst bite, he said: “Of wild beasts the sycophant, and of tame animals the flatterer.”

On one occasion he saw two Centaurs very badly painted; he said: “Which of the two is the worst?”62 He used to say that a speech, the object of which was solely to please, was a honeyed halter. He called the belly the Charybdis of life. Having heard once that Didymon the adulterer had been caught in the fact, he said: “He deserves to be hung by his name.”63 When the question was put to him, why gold is of a pale color, he said: “Because it has so many people plotting against it.” When he saw a woman in a litter, he said: “The cage is not suited to the animal.” And seeing a runaway slave sitting on a well, he said: “My boy, take care you do not fall in.” Another time, he saw a little boy who was a stealer of clothes from the baths, and said: “Are you going for unguents, (ἐπ᾿ ἀλειμμάτιον), or for other garments (ἐπ᾿ ἄλλ᾿ ἱμάτιον).” Seeing some women hanging on olive trees, he said: “I wish every tree bore similar fruit.” At another time, he saw a clothes stealer, and addressed him thus:

“What moves thee, say, when sleep has clos’d the sight,
To roam the silent fields in dead of night?
Art thou some wretch by hopes of plunder led,
Through heaps of carnage to despoil the dead.”64

When he was asked whether he had any girl or boy to wait on him, he said: “No.” And as his questioner asked further: “If then you die, who will bury you?” He replied: “Whoever wants my house.” Seeing a handsome youth sleeping without any protection, he nudged him, and said: “Wake up:

“Mix’d with the vulgar shall thy fate be found,
Pierc’d in the back, a vile dishonest wound.”65

And he addressed a man who was buying delicacies at a great expense:

“Not long, my son, will you on earth remain,
If such your dealings.”66

When Plato was discoursing about his “ideas,” and using the nouns “tableness” and “cupness;”⁠—“I, O Plato!” interrupted Diogenes, “see a table and a cup, but I see no tableness or cupness.” Plato made answer: “That is natural enough, for you have eyes by which a cup and a table are contemplated; but you have not intellect by which tableness and cupness are seen.”

On one occasion, he was asked by a certain person: “What sort of a man, O Diogenes, do you think Socrates?” and he said: “A madman.” Another time the question was put to him, when a man ought to marry? and his reply was: “Young men ought not to marry yet, and old men never ought to marry at all.” When asked what he would take to let a man give him a blow on the head? he replied: “A helmet.” Seeing a youth smartening himself up very carefully, he said to him: “If you are doing that for men, you are miserable; and if for women, you are profligate.” Once he saw a youth blushing, and addressed him: “Courage, my boy, that is the complexion of virtue.” Having once listened to two lawyers, he condemned them both; saying: “That the one had stolen the thing in question, and that the other had not lost it.” When asked what wine he liked to drink, he said: “That which belongs to another.” A man said to him one day: “Many people laugh at you.”⁠—“But I,” he replied, “am not laughed down.” When a man said to him, that it was a bad thing to live: “Not to live,” said he, “but to live badly.” When some people were advising him to make search for a slave who had run away, he said: “It would be a very absurd thing for Manes to be able to live without Diogenes, but for Diogenes not to be able to live without Manes.” When he was dining on olives, a cheesecake was brought in, on which he threw the olive away, saying:

Keep well aloof, O stranger, from all tyrants.67

And presently he added:

He drove the olive off (μαστίξεν δ᾿ ἐλάαν).68

When he was asked what sort of a dog he was, he replied: “When hungry, I am a dog of Melita; when satisfied, a Molossian; a sort which most of those who praise do not like to take out hunting with them, because of the labor of keeping up with them; and in like manner, you cannot associate with me, from fear of the pain I give you.” The question was put to him, whether wise men ate cheesecakes, and he replied: “They eat everything, just as the rest of mankind.” When asked why people give to beggars and not to philosophers, he said: “Because they think it possible that they themselves may become lame and blind, but they do not expect ever to turn out philosophers.” He once begged of a covetous man, and as he was slow to give, he said: “Man, I am asking you for something to maintain me (εἰς τροφὴν) and not to bury me (εἰς ταφὴν).” When someone reproached him for having tampered with the coinage, he said: “There was a time when I was such a person as you are now; but there never was when you were such as I am now, and never will be.” And to another person who reproached him on the same grounds, he said: “There were times when I did what I did not wish to, but that is not the case now.” When he went to Myndus, he saw some very large gates, but the city was a small one, and so he said: “Oh men of Myndus, shut your gates, lest your city should steal out.” On one occasion, he saw a man