Loss, Limbo, Life and Love, Derek Haines [free ebook reader txt] 📗

again, and this time swooped with her beak extended, and pierced my heart, and bled me of the devotion to her that had run through my veins. And yet she soared again, and readied to swoop, this time clawing out my heart, and breaking it in two with her claws. And, lying in a pool of blood, was the trust we had so lovingly shared.

And now, she has made new nests, and mine, lovingly made over years, lies vacant, and devoid of life.

My Beautiful Bird, is still the most beautiful creature on earth, but I cannot see her any more, and as I lie bleeding and heartbroken, all I have is the memories of my devotion, and the love I still keep. The world will now have and enjoy my Beautiful Bird, and she will entrance many with her beauty and graceful movement. The only person on earth who will not, will be me.

I shall now limp away, and leave my Beautiful Bird in her territory. She has taken possession of what was a beautiful garden, but to me is now a dry parched arid desert, devoid of any beauty.

And I wonder if she will live happily ever after?

DH 1998

Glimmer of Hope

The glimmer of hope faded so fast,
A chance to recapture dreams of the past.
Of days that were happy and blissfully warm,
The days that we spent in each others arms.
Hope of reunion to find once again,
The bond that had tied us, but I’ve only found pain.

The glimmer of hope, to turn back the time,
To the days of our marriage, but I can just pine.
For the trust and the care, that joined us as one,
The glimmer flew by, and my last hope was gone.
It’s the memories though, that linger so strong,
The dreams that we shared, and held them so long.

The wonderful memories surface so strong,
Masking the bad as if they are gone.
But some painful ones will take time to allay,
I will let them dissolve with each passing day.
And cherish the vision of you in our bliss,
When we wouldn’t have dreamed of a year like this.

A nightmare unfolded, as the New Year turned,
And left my life shattered, twisted and burned.
The pain and the scars of this insane year,
Has broken my heart, and filled me with fear.
A life without you, had never entered my head,
But, I face the reality with a heart fully bled.

I dream of a time when the pain has been shed,
When I can peacefully sleep, alone in my bed.
All pain and sorrow, passed into time,
Maybe then a new glimmer will venture to shine.
And offer a chance to right all the wrong,
To rebuild the dreams, the dreams we held strong.

I openly say, I regret what I’ve been,
And can’t hide the pain of what I have seen.
But deep in my heart there’s a burning desire,
To sweep out the pain, and rebuild the fire.
Of the passionate love, we shared through the years,
Another glimmer of hope, I wait to see through my tears.

I will patiently wait, for a glimmer to shine,
An inkling of hope, the faintest small sign.
For the day that your heart may send out a cue,
To search for the husband that is devoted to you.
It may come soon, you may never see,
But my love for you Jenny, for always will be.

DH 1998

It’s Over

Are these the ribbons of joy I wear?
Or bindings of sadness, or do I care?
As a chapter of life has finally ended,
But at last all anger has finally vented.

An end or beginning?
Losing or winning?
Happy or sad?
Sane or mad?
But, it’s over.

The way of life is never so sane,
For as much as we want, we can never refrain,
From letting the recent blind our eyes,
To the wonderful memories of years we should prize.

An end or beginning?
Losing or winning?
Happy or sad?
Sane or mad?
But, it’s over.

As she walked out the door, for the very last time,
I just sat and pondered, and thought it a crime,
We were faithfully united for many a long year,
But destroyed in a few months, should I now shed a tear.

An end or beginning?
Losing or winning?
Happy or sad?
Sane or mad?
But, it’s over.

As hard as I try, my eyes are still dry,
But will it be now that she will cry?
We both have our own truths of who is to blame,
Maybe just simply, we both should wear shame.

An end or beginning?
Losing or winning?
Happy or sad?
Sane or mad?
But, it’s over, it’s over, it’s over, is it truly over?

DH 1998

Heart and Mind

Am I losing my mind? I am on the brink.
Have I lost the power of reason, the sense to think?
Do I have the concern for others, I should?
Oh why can’t I feel? I wish I could.

Suck me dry,
Make me die,
Take my heart,
I won’t cry,
Life you Bitch!

Have I lost control?, Or lost my way?
Whichever way, who will pay?
For the mistakes I have made.
But who do I owe, Who do I pay?

Suck me dry,
Make me die,
Take my heart,
I won’t cry,
Life you Bitch!

Should I just sever the past and start anew,
But where would I start, as a newborn forty two?
Born to life’s gutter, is that where I belong?
Probably so, the world is for the young.

Suck me dry,
Make me die,
Take my heart,
I won’t cry,
Life you Bitch!

I have left a trail, of disasters and wrecks,
Dealt the wrong cards, chose the wrong decks.
In search of a place I can call home,
Oh God am I sentenced forever to roam?

Suck me dry,
Make me die,
Take my heart,
I won’t cry,
Life you Bitch!

Travelling again as I so often do,
Waiting at airports, joining a queue.
Chicago today, L. A. last night,
Fasted of sleep, the travellers blight.

Suck me dry,
Make me die,
Take my heart,
I won’t cry,
Life you Bitch!

I wait for tomorrow, will I find love?
After letting my heart fly on the wings of a dove.
I will face the new day as usual, alone,
Oh life wont you allow me a place to call home.

Suck me dry,
Make me die,
Take my heart,
I won’t cry,
Life you Bitch!

DH 1998

Blackout

Why have I always built to destroy,
I seem to have done it since I was a boy.
Labours of love, I have passionately built,
Only to smash them, and wallow in guilt.
Build then destroy,
Build then destroy,
Why have I done this since I was a boy?

Work t’wards my goals, achieve them with ease,
Bask in the glory, til I need to please,
The destructor inside me, that tears me apart,
Controlling my mind, and breaking my heart.
Build then destroy,
Build then destroy,
Oh why do I only get moments of joy?

I have many times reached stages in life,
Where I’ve had wonderful years free from strife.
But while I bask in the peace stability brings,
The destroyer lies waiting, to undo the strings.
Build then destroy,
Build then destroy,
Stability in life, I will never enjoy.

I have loved many times, it’s easy to do,
And shared my life, with a special few,
Until it seems, my happiness feels sound,
The destroyer starts lurking, preparing the ground.
Build then destroy,
Build then destroy,
He treats my life like a cheap little toy.

The destroyer is working on me again now,
But as hard as I fight, I just seem to bow,
To the relentless pressure, he grinds me to dust,
He seeks to destroy me, with evil black lust.
Build then destroy,
Build then destroy,
How can I beat him, what can I employ?

I know my heart’s full of compassion and care,
And I love to be loved, and I’m willing to share,
All the joy that I feel when I’m free of this beast,
But it’s on my loved ones hearts that this animal feasts.
Build then destroy,
Build then destroy,
I have just wanted love since I was a boy.

So strangers beware, as I enter your beat,
That you don’t offer to me, a comfortable seat.
For if I stay for a while and capture your trust,
Your hearts may be prey, for my destroyers black lust.
Build then destroy,
Build then destroy,
Watch out for me, the destroyers decoy.

DH 1998

Betwixt and Between

Betwixt and between, I seem to have been,
Since a fateful January day.
T’was the day my wife parted,
And I was left broken hearted,
I was shattered as was my life’s dream.

E’er since that day, and now it is May,
I have wandered around in a daze.
When I try to decide,
I get love mixed with pride,
And continue to live with dismay.

Now, in the middle of this, a new sense of bliss,
Arrived in my life just by fate.
A friend I had known,
Opened my heart on her own,
And a new love arrived with a kiss.

Betwixt and between, a choice of life’s dreams,
Was now a new choice to make.
But in my condition,
I could not make decisions,
I was just living in nightmares and dreams.

Just needing some time, for reason and rhyme,
To cement a clear path for my heart.
But how can this be,
When I’m still all at sea,
I will just wait, all I need is more time.

Myself I must find, and clear my mind,
And decide on the course of my life.
I must selfishly see,
What is right just for me,
Maybe then what I seek, I will find.

But this I do know, as my experience shows,
A heart can love just but one.
You must first heal the pain,
Before you venture again,
To find true love that will prosper and grow.

DH 1998

The Death of a Dreamer

A shroud of black was falling,
On the Dreamer in his dawning,
That the dream he held for so long was now gone.
His dream held for a year,
Was it reality or fear?
That had ground away the magic and the song.

His Siren lost in pain,
She had no way to explain,
Why her Dreamer disappeared in a breath.
She had hoped for dreams anew,
But all she found was an “Adieu”,
From her Dreamer who had died a Dreamer’s death.

She may never understand,
What a life he had planned,
For a Dreamers life is never planned so well.
Maybe the dream had lost its way,
He may have woken, who can say,
But the pain and loss on both will surely tell.

The Dreamer and the Siren,
Just simple man and woman,
Had spent a year in wishes and in space.
Was it ever meant to be?
This love across the sea,
Was there ever meant to be a resting place?

Their realities had cut deeply,
Into what had started sweetly,
And had left them both with bitter wounds.
They had shared each other’s pain,
And all that pain for little gain,
As they had shared only minutes in the real world.

The Siren’s lonely sobbing,
Rings in the Dreamer’s heart that’s throbbing,
Of the pain, that he has dealt