A Christmas Feast With A Hint Of Gentleman’s Relish, Paul Curtis [books for 8th graders .TXT] 📗

/> Turn on the bloody power

You seem to be missing
The true meaning of Christmas
The angel calmly explained
In the darkness of the exchange
They did not listen to her
They wanted only power

I am not hear for god
I am hear at my own bidding
The angel was ranting and raving
You lost my bloody savings
When they told to her the risks
She fried them to a crisp

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 1

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house,
Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse
As earlier that night with the aid of cheese and a trap
I bad Mr. Mouse Merry Christmas as the spring went snap

TIED UP WITH TINSEL

Have a little yuletide fun
Make it deliciously sinful
With your little Christmas hon
Tied up with tinsel


WRITTEN WARNING

Beware of what you write
In your Christmas letter to Santa
Ask yourself if you’ve been good
But be honest when you answer
If you’re naughty and say you’re nice
Santa may erupt with laughter
He may even laugh so violently
That you end up killing Santa

FAIRY ON THE TREE

Fairy, fairy on the tree
Why do you look so glum?
Is it the Christmas Blues?
To which you have succumbed
Is that what makes you sad
Or the needles up your bum


I SAW A FIGURE ON THE STAIR

I saw a figure
On the stair
Wearing red velvet
Trimmed with fur

It was Santa Claus
In my view
With long white beard
And hat askew

But not a Santa
Of familiar build
And no sack was apparent
Generously filled

I thought the figure
To my surprise
Was rather pleasing
To the eyes

And curiously aroused
At the view
Of Santa
In red stiletto shoes

At that moment
At the top of the stair
The coat fell open
And I do declare

This sight of Santa
Left me aghast
Wearing black stockings
And leather Basque

The white beard
Fell to the floor
And then I understood
What I saw

Santa hadn’t brought me
A gift in a sack
Santa was the present
For me to unwrap


HAVE A CRACKING CHRISTMAS

You must definitely make sure
Her Christmas sack is full
Then if your dear is happy
Your cracker might get a pull

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 2

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the flat,
Not a creature was stirring not even the cat
The mince pies had been eaten every one and all
And the dog had thrown up on the carpet in the hall

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS # 3

I only want one Christmas gift
It’s the only Christmas wish I’ve wished
I just want to know all the names
Of the girls on the naughty list


CHRISTMAS TURKEY

Laid naked on the kitchen table
White flesh from leg to breast
A Christmas bird to be enjoyed
My table was truly blessed

I set about the job in hand
Getting the bird prepared
And by using all my expertise
No effort at all was spared

Having greased the old bird well
The meaty legs spread wide
And I began to stuff the bird
I was really in my stride

When the bird had been well stuffed
It lay resting on the cooker
Smelling of sage and onion
The bird really was a looker

Then I looked up at the kitchen clock
Panic filled me and I began to fret
I shouted to my wife “quick put you pants on”
I haven’t prepared the turkey yet

SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER

I’ve bought a special gift
For my Christmas honey
It’s a “Santa’s little helper” outfit
And it’s bloody horny
Its red velour with white fur trim
And matching lingerie
It’s figure hugging short and tight
And shows all you’d want to see
I’ve always liked sexy outfits
And this is the best I’ve seen
I’m sure that she will like it
Especially as it wipes clean


WATCH OUT

Watch out, watch out
There’s a lech about
He’s stalked you all year long
Amidst the office throng
Watch out for Mr. Ross
Your lecherous boss
Who’s been waiting all year long
With a desire so strong
Watch out, watch out
There’s a lech about
Who wants to hold you in embrace
And kiss your pretty face
Watch out for Mr. Ross
Your lecherous boss
As he looks at you all agog
Intent upon a snog
So when old Mr. Ross
Your lecherous boss
Grabs you under the mistletoe
Just tell him where to go
BE ON YOUR GUARD

Be on your guard
Wherever you go
Tread very carefully
You could even tip toe
But if you don’t take heed
And don’t watch where you go
You may get caught
Beneath the mistletoe

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 7

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the Hotel
There were creatures emitting a terrible smell
And the cause of the awful pungent aroma
Was an octogenarian party from Cromer

CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 2

It’s Christmas day in the workhouse
In a typical parish establishment
Full of the inebriated and the loose
She we should have a Christmas goose

GROTTOS GO LEGAL

Santa’s little helpers, the first contacts,
Have all been given revised contracts
They will be known by the Santa Claus’s
From this year on as subordinate clauses

NORTHERN LIGHTS

We have just learned
Candles may not be burned
In Santa’s workshop
The practice has to stop
A spokesman claims
That elfin safety is to blame

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 8

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the abode
Came the rancid smell like an un-emptied commode
It made your eyes water to be perfectly crude
Wow this baby needs to start eating solid food


CHRISTMAS GOOSE

At Christmas time
I do like a goose
It is my one weakness
And I offer no excuse

Though it does depend
Of course on the bird
To say any different
Would be quite absurd

The quality of goose
That you are executing
Is directly related
To the bird you are goosing
CAROLS BY CANDLE LIGHT

Christmas is a time
Of many traditions
Like carol singing
With candle lit processions

But not anymore
A years old tradition
Has to had to go
For fear of litigation

“Health and safety”
So gets on my wick
As this year we had
Carols by glow stick

EVERYONE IN THE GROTTO KNOWS

Everyone in the grotto knows
The reason for Santa’s ho ho ho’s
And why Santa’s little helper is all aglow
Because she is the latest of Santa’s ho’s
In her green woolly panty hoes
Pixie shoes with turned up toes
Her outfit held together with velcro
Everyone in the grotto knows
Santa gets inside her pixie clothes
And fills her stocking, ho ho ho


SANTA’S R & R

When Santa returns to the north pole
After his momentous Christmas eve
He is always looking forward
To his well deserved annual leave

His post Christmas R & R always begins
With a sight to make his passion burn
That of Mrs Claus festively clad
Hot and spicy to greet him on his return

In red stiletto shoes, red and white stockings
Standing seductively against the bedroom door
Then revealing her delights to her horny Santa
As her fur trimmed cloak falls to the floor

Red silk skimpies, a glimpse of her thighs
Santa is eager to quench his thirst
But Mrs Claus says heading towards the bed
“You had better warm your hands up first”


RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw him
You would even say it glows

All of the other reindeer
Laugh and call him awful names
And they leave poor Rudolph
To play his little snorting games

So on every Christmas Eve
Santa’s heard to say:
If you give up the cocaine
You might pull may sleigh again

But all the reindeer knew him
And his love for nose candy
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Santa’s little coke junkie


PARTY CLAUS

What does Santa do after Christmas?
Well if you want to know the truth
He parties hard with Mrs. Claus
Til they melt the snow off the roof

LAST CHRISTMAS

Last Christmas
We got the winter vomiting virus
It wasn’t nice
And it was shared by all of us
It was the worst
We didn’t see much Christmas cheer
I tell you one thing
We’ve just asked for money this year

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 9

Twas the night before Christmas and at the North Pole
Some of the elves will be signing on the dole
There was a bit of a cock up with the naughty and nice list
When the elves in dispatch all got totally pissed

RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw him
You would even say it glows

All of the other reindeer
Laugh and call him awful names
And they leave poor Rudolph
To play his little snorting games

So on every Christmas Eve
Santa’s heard to say:
If you give up the cocaine
You might pull may sleigh again

But all the reindeer knew him
And his love for nose candy
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Santa’s little coke junkie


TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 10

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa was pissed,
He was so drunk in fact he couldn’t read the list
So the toys for the nice kids never left the north pole
And they all ended up with a big piece of coal

CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED

There's no Christmas this year
There will be no Christmas cheer
For Santa checked the naughty list
And found himself a naughty miss
Then picked her up in his sleigh
And then flew her off to St Tropez

SAD SANTA

Santa Claus is depressed
Its declining standards you see
The naughty list is now so long
It needs storing electronically
Where as the good list has shrunk
And now fits on a sheet of A3

CHRISTMAS GETAWAY

The sleigh is empty
The list is ticked
It’s back to base
Double quick

Mrs. Claus is waiting
To greet me
Fidgeting around
Quite excitedly

The bags are packed
And in the sleigh
We’re off to Florida
For a holiday

CHRISTMAS JOY

I have a new love in my life
That all Christmas I’ll be pleas’n
I will bring Joy to her world
When I go south for the season
RUDOLPH THE RAMPANT

Rudolph has been grounded
And severely reprimanded
The cause is his nocturnal activity
During the season of the nativity
Donner has been knocked up
And Vixen is a favourite tup
There are many more names
Who’ve played his reindeer games
He is insatiable, even the boys
Have fallen victim of his joys
Now Santa has had enough
Since he mounted Billy Goat Gruff

THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

All year long I fancied Lucy
But she turned out to be fickle
So I thought I’d drown my sorrows
And have a few festive tipples
But I ended up in a cupboard
With a girl with hairy nipples


THE SANTA BLUES

Santa Claus works really hard