The Evolution of Me, S. G. Ricketts [new reading TXT] 📗

traitor in hallowed wood.
My offending hand curls in on itself,
But nothing can end what has begun.
Before horrified eyes,
Each blossom dies,
And my garden of Eden is moot.
Cinder for rose,
Ashes for velvet,
And the land of my heart is revealed.
By my heart beauty has died.
My hand, my heart with it fled.


Words

Words.
They’re everywhere.
Chasing me.
Biting me.
A million flying pages.
A million paper cuts.

Words,
Coming back to haunt me.
Things I said,
not thinking,
they follow me.

Words.
Why did I say those words?
Why couldn’t I just keep quiet?
Why did I have to bring them up?
Why didn’t I just leave it?

Words.
Said through my anger.
Lies.
Truth.
Flattery.
Tall Tales.
They’re all coming back now,
and I have nowhere to hide.

Words.
They’re everywhere.
Chasing me.
Biting me.
A million little slips.
A million more regrets.


Mirror Mirror

You.
You in the corner,
Turn around.
Turn around and look
At the monster you have made.
Do you see your face
When you look upon me?
Do you hear your raucous caw?
You.
Stop staring at the wall.
Face your Frankenstein.

I am mismatched,
Born of your darkness,
Aware of your folly.
I am years of bitterness,
Loneliness,
And dreams.
Why won't you look
At the thing you've created?
Why can't you face yourself?

I am left wandering the desolate plains
Of love and life and loss.
I am alone,
Afraid to reach out
Lest I become like you.
I don't want to end up staring at a wall,
Afraid to face my children.


Misunderstood

It's a silent killer,
Masked in the guise of moody artists,
Drunken authors,
Drugged singers.
It comes like a thief in the night,
Stealing joy and happiness and
Peace.
Its footsteps echo within the mind,
Making your heart race,
And your breath catch
As you wait for it to overtake you.
It plagues the nation,
Dances across TVs,
Stares out of billboards,
But no one understands it.
No one gets it...

Unless
They're the ones cursed.
Unless
They're the ones blown up in the tabloids,
Famous for each rehab clinic,
And infamous for each breakdown.
Unless
They're the ones on top of a building,
Ready to jump,
And ready to be free.
Unless
They're the girl with scars
All down her arms.
No one understands...

Unless
They're on the crazy pills.


Hour Glass

The sands of time swirl around me,
Grasping at my shirt, pulling at my hair.
My world is dissolving around me.
The pain has become unbearable,
A thousand daggers slicing through my soul.
Somehow, in the darkness, I see him.
Surrounded by doubt, I pick out his form.
The sands blur my eyes, old then new.
I cannot focus on his face,
And my heart cries out.
“Why did you leave me?”
Sand bites into my skin; hot tears cover wrinkled cheeks.
“Why did you let me suffer?”
My tears are sticky.
Despair, anger, guilt, shame join the whirling winds.
I watch him slowly smile and my broken heart
Shatters with its bitter-sweet beauty.

Time freezes.

All I can see is his faint glow.
Crystals of sand hang between us.
“Little one, who are you to question me?”
His voice sends shivers down my spine.

My heart shudders, and my tears slip down.
“Answer me. Am I not good enough?
Why are you letting this happen?”
My words are wordless; the darkness swallows it whole.

He smiles again, but his eyes are hard.
“Where were you when I made the earth?
Did you measure out the dimensions?
Hold the ruler?
Do you know what it’s set on?
Or were you there to set it?
Did you pull back the oceans, weave together the clouds,
Paint the night sky?
Were you there?
Do you tell the sun and moon where to go?
Do you know every inch of this world?”
His eyes watch mine.
My breath is ragged; my voice is gone.
“Have you seen where the snow is kept?
Do you know where hail is hidden?
Or where light is born?
Or where darkness and night reside?
Of course you do! You were alive then.”
My suspended body flinches;
I cannot look at him.
“Where is lightning made?
Do you know how?
Where do the winds come from?
Do you plot the path of the storm, or the rains?
Do you give life to the desert
And save cities from floods?
Who is the father of the rain?
Do you know him?”

The sands of time shimmer in his glow,
And I hang my head.
I cannot look at him.
My anger seems small now.
It seems misplaced.
I cannot look at him.
Suspended in time,
He waits for my response.


Tropical Dreams

A cool breeze dances through my open window.
I can feel it softly touch my cheek.
Birds sing a greeting to the new day,
their voices wild and free.
My mind is stuck in a dream of a place
far away where green leaves cast
tropical light over everything.
I can taste the Caribbean ocean on this breeze,
And my ears are waiting to hear the rooster crow.
I wait for the sound of dogs,
Wait to hear the sound of cars,
I dream of a sky painted at dawn,
Painted coral against a fuschia background,
Swept lightly across the sky.
And while I know I'm laying in a bed in a sleepy little town,
Waiting to go to class,
I feel the tug of that country,
Pulling me back.
I feel its arms around me,
Bringing me back to my tropical home.

I hear the coo of the dove now.
A few hours have passed.
My country has left me to my day,
But its hooks are in my heart.
The cool breeze brushes me again,
And dances on the waves of my memory.
My island of escape is gone for now,
Lost to memory until I have need of it again.


Remembrance

A porch swing rocks slowly
In a forgotten breeze.
Days long past float
In the last rays of sunshine,
Remembering.
Remembering that first summer love
As it danced under the stars,
As it splashed through the creek,
As it slept in lover's arms...
Remembering that first summer love.

The stars slowly pop out,
One at a time.
Their silvery faces look down
On the hidden places of that summer love.
The hidden desire,
The hidden glance,
The hidden love beginning to bloom.
The stars look down and smile,
Remembering.

As the moon slowly rises,
Her bright light bathes
The porch in silver glow.
The world is gilded
In her rays,
And she remembers that summer love
Take a knee
And change to forever in her gaze.


Twilight

Inspired by the painting “Nature’s Scream”

It is the time,
Just before dark,
Just after light,
As the sky is slashed with red.

It is the scream of my soul,
The cry of nature,
As the sun vanishes behind hills.

Time has stopped,
Stuck on this moment,
Hovering between life and death,
Darkness and Light.

Desolation bleeds from a canvas
Bruised by despair
And bloody terror.

Everything is waiting,
Breath held,
Caught between the times,
Listening to the scream.


Her Angel

It's 2 am. I hear the clock ticking above my bed. The light from the hallway brushes your cheek. You are my angel, softly sleeping in my arms. Gently I kiss your cheek, right next to your birthmark, and you snore softly. Your smell overwhelms me, a mixture of syrup and pancakes and warm milk. For a moment, I pause, caught in the wonder of you.

12 hours. You've only known me for 12 hours, but I have known you forever. I memorized black and white pictures that held snapshots in time. I knew your face, before I ever saw you. I knew just how your nose turns up, just how you smile, before daylight ever did. Now that I see you, those pictures look like childish drawings. How can they ever compare to the perfection I hold? You wake, deep blue eyes scrunched as you begin to cry. Then you are quiet once again as you eat. Little fingers curl and open, and I try not to cry. I am in heaven.

The nurse comes in to do her rounds. You are asleep, but she promises to take care of you. Fear grips me, but I let you go. She has a job to do and I know you’ll be fine. After a while, she asks to play with you a little longer. She says that you’re a beautiful baby, and so sweet. My heart tightens, but I say yes. I will need all the sleep I can get. Later, I find out she just lost her baby before she ever got to meet it. I can see the pain in her eyes, and I am stunned. Every day, she is reminded of what she will never have. I hold you closer, hurting for her. For a moment, we have shared you. Then, you are back in my arms, warm and sleepy and beautiful and mine.

Reality begins to settle as your fingers curl around mine. The nurse is not alone. You, in all your perfection, might never have been. Tears well in my eyes as I run a finger down your arm. Such perfection, and I nearly gave it all up for vanity and fear. The night is young, but the weight of your life ages me. I am no longer the care-free girl I was. I see you, I feel your breaths against my chest, and the weight of it all falls. I’ve had you for 14 hours, yet it already feels like a lifetime. You are my world now. You are my everything. I hold you closer and you burrow your face into the crook of my arm. Reality has changed, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. My beautiful angel, I promise you. I wouldn’t trade this moment for the few I might have had. You, lost in the sleep of newborns, are the only thing that matters.


Welcome to the New Milennium

It scares me,
This reality I face.
This world and its cruel rules
Have crippled my soul.
Success is measured by paper,
White and green.
One is edged in gold
And signed in black.
The other is slender,
Symbolic and mighty.
Both will be the death of me,
Now that I face this reality.

Success.
My mind was not made to revolve around
Success,
If it is measured by these rules.
For the price I stand to pay,
Success is not very successful.
For the price I will pay
To play to the standards of this world,
Success is overrated.
Who decides the worth of one person?
Who says where their value lies?
Why does the cookie cutter image
Exclude everyone who doesn’t bow down to an image
Of paper?

My soul is not made
For the trappings of this world.
It cannot bear the price I now pay.
Is a life worth a life,
If it has yet to live?
Is esteem so much better
Than the life it would take?
My mind fights my truth
As reality sets in.

The world fights back with its logic.
I’m drowning amongst paper and stares,
Waiting for my promised success.

No, I cannot live for their rules.
I cannot be bound by their fear.
It will be what will be,
And my values will hold the choices I make.
Look down on me, Traditional World.
Look down on my lack of success.
I have