Shut Out, Kody Keplinger [book recommendations for young adults txt] 📗

place where I felt my heart racing.

“God,” he whispered. “You’re beau—”

My lips found his again, silencing him. I pressed myself tighter against him, feeling the newness of his warm skin against mine, and I nudged him back onto the bed.

It was a while later, after many long, tender kisses, that I found myself being eased onto my back, and I took a breath as Cash’s mouth left mine and began trailing down my neck and shoulder. “Lissa,” he mumbled into my ear again. Just my name, and it sounded so wonderful in his deep bass voice. So soothing. So right, but—

But then I felt his hand on my back, fumbling a little with the

clasp of my bra, and I remembered myself. The oath, the strike, the plan I was supposed to be fulfilling. None of that made me stop wanting to do what I knew we were about to do—because every hormone in my body screamed that this was exactly what I wanted. But remembering did fill me with a sudden sense of fear.

I was terrified to realize how far I’d let things go.

How much control I had lost.

“No,” I gasped, shoving Cash’s shoulder. “No. Never mind. I-I’m not—”

Cash took his hands off me and rolled away, almost falling off his twin bed as I catapulted myself across the room, away from him.

“Lissa,” he said. “Lissa, it’s okay. We don’t have to—I didn’t expect—”

“I hate you,” I snapped as I pulled my shirt back on. Quietly at first so that maybe he couldn’t hear, and then louder, louder, louder. “I hate you. Hate you.”

“What?” he asked, sounding surprised.

“I do.” But it was a lie. I didn’t hate him. I just hated the way he made me feel. Loved and hated it. Being with him like that was exhilarating, but so, so dangerous. I couldn’t control myself with Cash, I never could, and it terrified me.

This had never been a problem before. I’d always, always been able to keep the ball in my court with Randy. But with Cash… It was hard to push him away. For the most part, I didn’t even want to, despite the fact that I knew I should. Despite the fact that he’d toyed with me before and would again.

“You’re an asshole,” I said, spinning to face him. He was sitting

on his bed, staring at me with wide, confused eyes, his shirt forgotten. “You just toy with people! This is all just a game to you, isn’t it? Making girls fall for you and then never… You play with girls’ heads by making them think they’re special when, really, you don’t give a damn.”

He blinked at me once before finding his T-shirt and pulling it back over his head. “Lissa,” he said, having regained his breath. His voice was smooth but low. “What are you talking about?”

“You play mind games,” I said. “You mess with girls’ heads, and you shouldn’t. It’s wrong and selfish and cruel.”

“Wait—I play mind games?” Cash was suddenly on his feet, looking across the tiny room at me as if I were insane. “I don’t know why you’re saying this, but you’re being really hypocritical right now. If anyone plays with people’s heads, it’s you.”

“Excuse me?”

“This whole strike has turned into a way to fuck with people, Lissa,” he snapped. “It was one thing when you were just boycotting sex, but now… Look at you. You’re using sex to get what you want—playing with my feelings for your own benefit. That’s why you came over, right? I’m not stupid. You’re the one who’s cruel, Lissa. Not me.”

I sneered at him. “You’re no better—leading the boys’ side, trying to seduce us.”

“We’re not manipulating anyone,” he said.

“Yes you are!” I shouted.

“Lissa, the boys haven’t done anything like this,” he argued. “Maybe the swimming-pool thing was wrong, but that doesn’t even compare to—”


“I’m not talking about the damn swimming pool.”

“We haven’t been toying with or teasing anyone the way you are.”

I glared up at him. “So you agree with the other boys at school? You think I’m a cock tease, right?”

Cash’s face softened a little. “Lissa,” he said quietly, “you choosing not to sleep with Randy doesn’t make you a tease. It makes you… Well, it makes you smart, but aside from that, it makes you independent. There was nothing wrong with your decision. And there was nothing wrong with the strike in the beginning, when it was just saying no.” He stepped a little closer to me, green eyes pressing into mine. “But there is something wrong with using other people’s feelings against them. Manipulating them. The way some of the strike girls are doing. The way you’re trying to manipulate me… That’s what makes you a tease. Fucking with people’s heads to get what you want—to get that control you say you’re desperate for—without giving anything in return.”

He was right. When this had started, I’d said we weren’t using sex as a weapon. But some of the girls were. I’d even encouraged it.

I could feel tears stinging my eyes. It hurt to hear, hurt to know that I really was a tease. I’d spent weeks discussing and fighting sexual labels with the other girls, but here I was, deliberately tormenting Cash with sex, becoming the stereotype. I was ashamed of myself.

But I just couldn’t stop fighting him. “So I’m a bad person because I won’t sleep with you?” I demanded, knowing that

wasn’t what he meant but needing so badly to hurt him. I needed him to feel as angry as I did. To hate himself as much as I hated myself at that moment. I wanted him to regret every bad moment between us, the same way I did.

Cash flinched. “I did not say that,” he said. “And that’s not how I meant it. Lissa, I—”

“Good,” I yelled. “Because… Because nothing will ever happen between us again.” I was backing toward the door of his bedroom. I had to get out of there before more stupid things left my mouth. “We’re done. It was just a game, right? This whole thing between us—kissing me in the library the other day, all the flirting—it was a game so you’d win the war. Well, game over. I played, and now I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.”

“It wasn’t a game,” Cash whispered. “Not to me.”

But I barely heard him as I bolted from the room, clapping a hand over my mouth to keep from saying another word. I didn’t let myself stop to think about what he could have meant by that. Didn’t let myself hope or dream. I just ran.

I’d lost it. My sanity, my ability to think, my control. I’d let Cash get the better of me, and I’d lost my cool physically and verbally. I was ashamed and embarrassed, and before I even got out of the trailer, I was regretting every word I’d said.


chapter twenty-­seven

I was already outside on the porch before I remembered that Cash had driven me here. “Fuck,” I wailed, sinking down onto the front steps of the trailer and burying my face in my hands.

I took a deep breath and forced myself to calm down. Freaking out would only make this infinitely worse. I needed to keep my cool. To stay in control. To think and find a way out of here.

I heard the door of the trailer slide open behind me. “Lissa,” Cash said, his voice gentle as his footsteps shook the loose wooden boards I was sitting on. “Do you need a ride?”

“No, thank you,” I said in a stiff, polite voice. I self-consciously tucked the hem of my skirt beneath my knees, feeling exposed.

“How will you get home?” he asked.

“I’ll call someone.”

“You left your purse inside.” I felt the bag drop to the ground beside me. “You sure you don’t…? I could give you a ride, Lissa. It’s not… We don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to.”

“Thank you,” I said, pulling my purse into my lap. “But I’m fine. I appreciate the offer.”

That was the truth. I did appreciate it. I appreciated that he came after me even considering how I’d talked to him. Randy never would have chased me like that. He would have waited for me to cool down, waited for me to come back and apologize for the things I’d said. He would have just let me go. Hell, I would have just let me go.

Then again, I had left my purse inside. Cash didn’t have much of a choice but to bring it out to me.

I ducked my head and began digging for my cell phone. I could feel Cash still standing behind me, silently watching. “You don’t have to wait,” I told him after I located the phone.

“I know I don’t,” he said. “But I’m not leaving you out here alone in the dark, either.”

I snorted. “We live in Hamilton, Cash. Not Detroit. It’s not like something scary and dangerous is going to happen to me while I’m waiting.”

He didn’t respond.

Part of me wanted him to say, “Fine,” and stomp back inside, out of my hair and my life. But the other part of me—the louder, more emotional part—was thrilled that he cared enough to stay. To watch out for me. I wanted it to mean something.

I hesitated with my finger over the keypad. I could call Chloe. Hell, I could walk to her place from here. But that wouldn’t have been a good idea.

Because she’d been right. So right. She’d told me not to do this, not to play with fire. But I’d argued. I’d said I could handle

it even though I obviously could not. I didn’t want to hear her gloat at me. I didn’t want her to know how right she’d been. Not tonight, anyway.

For that matter, I didn’t want to see any of the strike girls. Because if they realized whose house they were picking me up from… I didn’t even want to know what they’d think had been going on.

So I called the only other person I could think of.

“Lissa, I thought you said you didn’t need a ride tonight?”

Logan sounded agitated. On the other end of the line, I could hear the sounds of forks scraping along plates on top of a low hum of conversation.

“Where are you?” I asked. “Shouldn’t you be at home?”

“No,” Logan said, sounding a little annoyed. “I’m on a date. What’s the problem, Lissa? Why did you call?”

“I need a ride.”

“I thought your shift ended, like, two hours ago.”

“It did. I’m not at work. Can you come get me?” I was all too aware of Cash, so close to me, able to hear everything I said. I cleared my throat. “I just need to go home. Please, Logan?”

“Are you okay?” He sounded worried.

“I’m fine. I just need you to come