Agent to the Stars, John Scalzi [paper ebook reader .TXT] 📗

of golf clubs last Christmas,” I said, rummaging. “I’m going to take one and put a divot in Van Doren’s head. What do you think? The five iron? Or maybe the nine. Or the putter, right between the eyes.”

“I don’t think that would be very helpful,” Miranda said.

“Oh, I think it would,” I said. I emerged with the seven iron in my hand. “It would make me feel a lot better.”

“Only for a minute,” Miranda said. “But I have to warn you, prison is just one long bummer.”

I burst into tears. No one was more surprised than I. Miranda rushed over and held me, returning the favor from the day before, when I had done the same for her.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “It’s not every day that I’m accused of murdering my client.”

“Oh, shut up,” Miranda said gently, cupping my face in her hand. “You didn’t kill her, did you?”

“Of course not,” I said.

“Well, then,” Miranda said. “Don’t let it bother you. Tom, you did more for Michelle than anyone else ever would have. You’re a good man, Tom. Everybody knows it. I know it. You’re a good man.”

I kissed Miranda. No one was more surprised than I.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I don’t know what I’m thinking.”

“Oh, shut up,” Miranda said, and kissed me back.

After a couple of minutes of this, Joshua whined, which I think is was doggie equivalent of clearing one’s throat to remind others you are there.

“Spectator,” I said.

“He’s a dog,” Miranda said “He doesn’t care.”

“You’d be surprised,” I said.

The situation became academic a second later, when there was a knock. Miranda and I disentangled ourselves as Carl came through the door.

“I’ve got Mike and Adams at the podium now,” he said. “Are you all right?”

“I’m severely pissed off, but other than that, I’m fine,” I said.

“Be prepared to be pissed off a little more,” Carl said. “Brad Turnow’s on his way over.”

My brain fuzzed a second before I realized he was talking about the producer of Earth Resurrected. “Oh, Christ, what a pain,” I said.

Miranda looked at me and then at Carl. “What does Brad want?” she asked.

“His money back,” I said.

“His star is in a coma,” Carl said. “He’s going to have to get someone else to play the part. He’ll figure that, since Michelle is laid up, it’s only fair he should get his money back.”

“What a jerk,” Miranda said.

“Do you want any backup?” Carl said, to me. “We could gang up on him.”

“No,” I said. “It’s all right. I can handle him.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” Carl said. “Kick his ass a couple of times. He’ll be here at 1:15. That leaves you two about an hour to smooch.”

I think I blushed; Miranda, who is made of sterner stuff, merely smiled. “Mr. Lupo, with all due respect to your position, that’s just none of your damned business,” she said.

“On the contrary,” Carl said, smiling back. “I didn’t get where I am today by not noticing these sorts of things. Come on, Joshua,” he said, motioning to the dog. “Whether it’s my business or not, I know when I’m not wanted .”

*****

“It’s a terrible thing that happened to Michelle,” Brad said, stating the obvious.

“Yes, it is,” I said.

“I mean, my God,” Brad said. “I’d hate for it to happen to me.”

My eyes flicked over to the clock on my phone. For five minutes now, Brad had been finding new and not-so-exciting ways to restate the obvious point that Michelle was in a world of hurt. I was giving him another minute before I worked him over with a golf club.

The question is whether Brad would be missed. Somehow I doubted it. Up until Murdered Earth, Brad was a distinctly lower-rung producer, cranking out cheesy, low-production value science fiction and adventure epics that would just about break even in the theaters and then eke out a profit in the video store afterlife: the sort of films you make when you’re either on your way up or down the Hollywood food chain, but never when you’re anywhere near the top. Murdered Earth was the exception because for once, Brad managed to get lucky with a star who was breaking into the stratosphere. That was Michelle, of course; the studio estimated that Michelle’s presence in the film added $55 million to the $85 million domestic take. Having seen Murdered Earth, I personally gave Michelle credit for another ten million or so.

But with a hit movie under his belt, Brad was now a mid-rung producer looking to move up the ladder a little more. Earth Resurrected was going to do it for him, or so he thought. Now that Michelle was down and his production suddenly air-braking into oblivion, Brad wanted to do what he could before the whole thing derailed and sent him crashing back down into the ranks of a straight-to-video producer. Which meant getting someone else for the part and trying to recoup on his losses.

If I were in his position, I’d probably try to do something like what he was doing. Of course, I wouldn’t have given Michelle $12 million, either. Be that as it may, I could sympathize with his situation. The problem was, he was about to try to screw my client. Sympathize or not, there’s no way I was going to allow that.

“Look, I’ll tell you why I’m here,” Brad said.

“I’d appreciate that,” I said.

“It’s terrible what’s happened to Michelle,” Brad said again. Below his view, I was groping for the 7-iron. “But it also creates a real problem for Earth Resurrected. Tom, we’re just about ready to roll, and we can’t wait too much longer. Hell, we’ve already got the special effects crews working on some scenes, and the second unit’s out shooting.”

I sat there silently, waiting for Brad to continue. He wanted me to be openly sympathetic to his plight, which I was not willing to do. After a few seconds of waiting for me to say something, he went on.

“The real problem is Allen Green,” Brad said. “In our contract, we committed to a start date, and if we miss that start date by more than a week, he can walk, with his full paycheck. Pay or Play. That’s 20 million, shot right down the tubes. The start date’s in ten days, Tom. Even if Michelle comes out of her coma today, she’s not going to be ready to go in ten days. You know that.”

Again, I said nothing. Why make it easy?

Finally, Brad said what he came to say. “We have to replace Michelle, Tom. I’m sorry, but we can’t wait.”

“The reason you paid $12 million for her was because you thought she was indispensable,” I said. “I don’t see how that’s changed. She’s a lot more indispensable than Allen Green. She’s the only person who’ll have been in both films.”

“She was indispensable,” Brad said. “Don’t get me wrong, Tom, I want her to be in the film. But she’s in a coma! And everybody knows it.”

The subtext here: since everyone knows Michelle’s in a coma, no one will actually expect her to be in the sequel anymore. It can be used as an excuse to replace her without anyone complaining. It’s a fair enough assessment, although it left unanswered the question of who would go see the sequel, good excuse or not, if the reason that over two-thirds of the audience went to see the original isn’t there anymore.

“If you’re going to replace her, you must have someone lined up already, Brad,” I said.

“We do,” he said.

“Gee,” I said. “That was fast. Michelle hasn’t been in a coma a whole day yet.”

Brad flushed at that one. “I told you, we’re under some time pressure here,” he said.

“You did,” I agreed. “Who is it?”

“Charlene Mayfield,” Brad said. “You’ve heard of her?”

I had, barely. Charlene was a clone of Michelle, which is not saying all that much, as blonde, perky types are fairly endemic in these here parts. Charlene played a waitress on one of those sitcoms that acts as a sacrificial offering against NBC’s Thursday night lineup and is thus canceled after six or thirteen episodes; if you weren’t actually in the business, you’d probably have no idea who she is.

“She’s going to be great,” Brad said. “I think she’ll be able to step right into the part. Not that she could ever truly replace Michelle, of course,” he added hastily.

“Of course,” I said.

“So,” Brad said. “Are there any problems? You understand where we’re coming from?”

“No, I have no problems,” I said. “You’re on a tight schedule, I understand.”

Brad smiled. “That’s really great to hear, Tom. I knew you would understand.”

“Thanks,” I said.

“There is one other issue,” Brad said.

“Shoot,” I said.

“It’s about Michelle’s salary.”

“What about it?”

“Well, seeing as Michelle is no longer on the film, there’s some question about salary disbursement,” Brad said.

“What question?” I said . “You already mailed me the check. I’ve already handed it over to our accountants to be processed. It’s been disbursed, so I don’t see how there could be a question about it.”

“Well, that’s just it,” Brad said, uncomfortably. “I think you can see what I’m getting at here.”

“I’m afraid I can’t,” I said. “You’d better spell it out for me, Brad.”

He squirmed. It was fun to watch.

“Look,” he said. “We’d like you to return the salary.”

“Oh, is that all?” I said. “Heck. That’s easy. The answer is no.”

“What?”

“No.”

“No?”

“What part of that two letter word don’t you understand, Brad?” I asked. “Was it the vowel that threw you, or the consonant?”

“God damn it, Tom,” Brad said. “This isn’t a joke. You can’t just expect us to walk away from twelve million dollars.”

“I can,” I said. “I do. You hired Michelle for a job. Now, through no fault of her own, you have decided you want someone else in the role. I’m fine with that. But inasmuch as Michelle did nothing to warrant her dismissal, I don’t see how you could begrudge her her salary as severance pay.”

“Jesus Christ,” Brad said. “The girl’s in a fucking coma!”

“Yes, she is,” I said. “One that was brought about by the negligence of one of your crew members.”

“That’s not true,” Brad said. “That woman worked for Featured Creatures.”

“Which worked for you,” I said. “You hired them, Brad. The legal line of responsibility goes right back to you.”

“I think that could be argued,” Brad said.

“You could try,” I said. “It’ll take you about two years to get a court date. In the meantime, I’m sure our legal department could probably hold up the start of your production a couple of weeks. Maybe a month, if we have to.”

“You’re a real son of a bitch,” Brad said.

“Hey,” I said. “I’m not the one trying to screw someone in a coma.”

Brad decided to try another tactic. “Tom, look. It’s not a matter of me not wanting to do right by Michelle. You know I want to.”

“That’s good to hear, Brad,” I said.

“But now we’re paying two actresses for the same part. We have to have some economies of scale going on here.”

“So you’re paying Charlene Mayfield $12 million?” I asked.

“Well, of course not that much,” Brad said. “But we’re paying her quite a bit.”

“How much?” I asked.

“Well, I can’t really discuss it,” Brad said.

“Hmmm.” I said. I buzzed Miranda. “Miranda, how much is Charlene Mayfield getting for Earth Resurrected?” I asked.

“One hundred seventy five thousand dollars,” Miranda said. “According to her agent, who I just called.”

“Really,” I said. “Do we know if