Secret War: Warhammer 40,000, Ben Agar [list of ebook readers .txt] 📗

to answer for Attelus. I'm surprised Attelus, you didn't kill it already; it certainly deserves it."

I swallowed. "Karmen, I've already learnt the hard way to control my anger, and..."

I clenched my teeth, furrowed my brow and sucked air through my teeth as the rage suddenly welled back to the surface. "Killing It now wouldn't help me; I need to know what It knows, that information will help me make sure the true perpetrator pay for Elandria's death."

Karmen Kons chewed her lip. "But Glaitis..." she started but trailed off and looked away.

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing."

"Glaitis what?" I insisted, annoyed at the psyker's dismissive tone.

"Don't worry, Attelus, it's nothing," she said lightly and got up from her chair. "Alright, if you excuse me, I'm going to have a shower."

"What, now? But aren't we to talk to the mimic?"

"Yes, we will, but if you haven't noticed, I stink," she said as she began to walk away. "I stink, so I need a shower, don't worry, I won't be long."

I nodded, making a mental note to ask her about this dismissiveness later. "Okay, fair enough."

Instantly Karmen Kons stopped and turned back to me, her face as serious as stone. "You called her El, didn't you?"

I looked away, unsure what to make of her sudden change and at her mention of Elandria again. "Y-yeah."

"You know if it were anyone else calling her El, she would've hated it," said Karmen with a sad smile. "But when you said it, Attelus, she really didn't mind it at all."

Sudden tears sprang into my eyes, tears that I tried to hide.

"I'm sorry, but please, please," she said. "Please, Attelus, while I'm in the shower, try to think, try to think about what it is you really want, think about what is the best for you...and-and think about what Elandria would want."

With that, she walked back into the bathroom, the door sliding closed behind her, leaving me alone with nothing but my thoughts.

 

With Karmen Kons no longer there to converse with, my tiredness just seemed to return suddenly.

I shook my head, trying to fight it, but it was so, so hard.

Finally, after a few minutes, I gave in, collapsing back onto the bed and let it overtake me.

And again, I dreamed, I dreamed back to when I was living in the ruins of Varander.

It was almost identical to my earlier dream when I walked and walked through the destruction and devastation, but this time I walked with someone side-by-side with a woman.

An attractive woman with large, watery blue eyes with her long deep black hair pulled back into a ponytail and wearing the black with white trim flak armour distinct to the Velrosian PDF.

She seemed so familiar, but I found it impossible to recall who she was.

We were also talking, conversing about something intently but of what exactly, I had no idea as I couldn't hear the words exchanged but feel my jaw moving.

Like my dream earlier, I couldn't control myself; we walked and walked and talked and talked with me every few seconds glancing away to scrutinise over the scenery.

It was strange as every time I looked back at her, her black hair would briefly change to blonde. This went on for a long time until suddenly, the black-blond woman stopped in her tracks and raised her hand against my chest forcing me to stop too.

She turned to me, her hair now staying blonde, blonde like Karmen Kons'.

"My name Attelus Xanthis Kaltos, my real name is Estella Erith," she said clearly. "Please remember all we went through together; please remember the oath you swore to me so long ago."

Then I awoke.

My eyes snapped open as revelations began to poor through my thoughts, and immediately I lunged off the bed, slid to the side of the bathroom door; my sword suddenly is drawn, and Karmen Kons stepped out to find the blade held an inch from her throat.

"You've come a hell of a long way since only being able to tell the names of things Estella Erith," I said.

She smiled and shook her head. "I was wondering if you would ever recognise me, Attelus Xanthis Kaltos."

I didn't reply for a while as a myriad amount of different emotions swept through me, anger, relief, confusion, panic, and I had no idea which one to express.

"I-I can't believe you're still alive, Estella," I croaked. "I can't believe you're here of all the billions of places in this cosmos; I-I can't believe..."

I trailed off. "I can't believe I ever forgot about you."

Karmen Kons let out a sudden derivative snort. "You still believe that you suppressed the memories of your time living in those ruins; that seems to be the only thing I got right, it seems."

"What?"

"It looks to me that the Eldar dredged up those memories during the time she mind raped you, Attelus, accursed Xenos," she shook her head. "What if I told you I was the one who made those memories go away? What If I was the one who did that? Then what would you do?"

"I-I don't know Estella," I managed. "What do you mean?"

"Do you remember Attelus Kaltos what you said to me in the moonlight the night of our escape from Varander? What you told to Estella Erith, I mean."

Suddenly, I found I did; it was all there, all flooding back. "I-I remember, I said that I could never go back to my old life after what I saw and went through, that I wanted to be an assassin like my father."

"Yes, yes you did," she said sadly. "And so I tried to stop you from going down that path, Attelus; I tried to stop you from making that mistake..."

"So you suppressed my memories of it...!" I finished with widening eyes feeling the horror suddenly spread. "I..I, you did that to me?"

"Yes, I did Attelus, I did it, I did it when just before we parted ways, do you remember that now?"

Again I did; the last time I saw Estella was when we first arrived in the PDF base camp south of the battle lines; she said she was to meet general Tathe and be back soon, but she never returned. But I never tried to find her, because I couldn't remember her. After all, she had made me forget her.

I abruptly dropped my sword, finding that I really needed to sit down and gather my thoughts.

"I obviously succeeded in doing that, but not in suppressing your wish to become an assassin," she shook her head. "I shouldn't be surprised; at that time, I was no way near as skilled as now; my psychic power was only just beginning to show itself."

I started hyperventilating, placing my face into the palms of my hands.

She came over to me and pulled my hands away, her large blue eyes wild. "So can't you see, Attelus! Now you are going through the exact same struggle I helped you through six years ago! That struggle for your humanity, your sanity! Just imagine my surprise when I first saw you arrive with Glaitis and her assassins so many months ago!"

She shook her head. "I see now that He sent you here to me! The God-Emperor of Mankind sent you to Omnartus so I could help you again! To save you from insanity, to save you from Glaitis."

Then she suddenly grabbed me and pulled me into a passionate kiss.

I let out a surprised, muffled, "mmf!" pain erupted through my lips and after a few seconds, I managed to push her off me, disgusted with myself as I realised despite the pain, I'd like it.

"What's the matter, Attelus?" she asked sensually. "Don't you remember how you fell in love with Estella on that starry night?"

Now with the return of these memories, I knew she was right, that Elandria was never the first woman I had fallen for, no Estella Erith was, and at the time, I was just too young and ignorant to realise it.

I looked to the floor. "Y-yes, yes, I do."

"So why do you pull away?" she demanded.

My attention snapped back to her. "Because you're not her, because you're no longer Estella. I see that kind and compassionate woman is gone now replaced by-by..."

She stared at me blankly. "I don't understand."

"Estella! You delved into my mind, and you erased my memories! You tried to manipulate me into doing what you wanted me to do! The audacity, the sheer arrogance is breathtaking! Do you realise how sick that is? And under Taryst's employ, every day you delved into people's minds and then! Then! Then you frigging go and erase Vex's memory of our deal as some sickening foreshadowing for Taryst!"

I shook my head, the exasperation becoming so overwhelming it was hard to breathe.

"I was only doing what I was ordered to do," Karmen said.

I clenched my teeth and clenched my fists, anger quickly overtaking the exasperation. "Does that make it okay! Does saying that give you a clear conscience? 'I was just following orders!' Is that the excuse everyone uses now? You and that Thing out there say the exact same thing. It makes me sick."

I shook my head again, my eyes watering. "What happened to you, Estella? What the hell happened to you to change you from the kind, compassionate, beautiful women I fell for and into!"

She glared at me. "Into what, Attelus?"

"Into...you, how can you claim you're here to save me from insanity when you are no longer sane yourself?"

"I am sane, Attelus!" she yelled. "I know because the God-Emperor of Mankind sent-"

"Oh, save it!" I snarled. "With the number of times you've looked into my mind, you must know that I don't believe in that crap! Now I know why I was so quick to trust you I must've recognised and-"

It hit me in mid-sentence. "...And why Glaitis kept you alive even though she had the perfect opportunity to kill you."

Karmen's brow furrowed in bemusement. "What?"

"It's because she knew this would happen!" I exclaimed. "Or at least the Eldar told her it would! She knew that me seeing what you become would-would!"

I sniffed. "No, I won't let it, I won't let you turn me against you. Despite what you have become, I owe it to the woman you used to be; I owe it to Estella."

My eyes attached to hers, my shoulders rising and falling while breathing heavily through my nose. "I'm sorry, Estella, I-I didn't mean to get so angry with you; I understand you were only doing what you needed to do, to survive."

I sat down on the bed. "L-let's go and talk to that Thing out there."

"You said years ago, Attelus," Karmen said. "That you were living to survive instead of surviving to live, didn't you?"

"Y-yeah."

"Maybe..." she shook her head. "Maybe you're right; maybe I was living to survive, maybe it's about time to survive to live."

I smiled and placed my hand on her arm. "It's been a long time Estella, even though I couldn't remember you, I still somehow think I missed you."

She reached over cupped her hand on my bruised, battered face. "You have no idea how much I missed you."

Then she began to pull me in for another kiss, but again I very hesitantly pulled away.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Estella...Karmen, whatever I should call you," I said and sighed. "I've been through a hell of a lot. All these revelations one after another, finding out Taryst's fate, the mimic masquerading as him, Feuilt being Edracian's spy and him succeeding in manipulating me so well, as well as everyone else. El-Elandria's death, and getting the utter crap beat out of me, but most of all, finding out you...being, being you. Just so frigging much has come outta the blue."

Karmen Kons smiled.

I looked up at her, into the face which was now so familiar. I should have recognised her even with my memories suppressed.

My attention fell to the floor; I needed her, so I needed to be on her right side, and if I could help her to return her to the person I once knew.

I sucked in air through clenched