Fantastic Fables, Ambrose Bierce [the little red hen ebook txt] 📗
- Author: Ambrose Bierce
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work for them, they must hire me without solicitation. I am very
comfortable without office.”
“But,” urged the Party Manager, “an election is a thing to be
desired. It is a high honour to be a servant of the people.”
“If servitude is a high honour,” the Gentleman said, “it would be
indecent for me to seek it; and if obtained by my own exertion it
would be no honour.”
“Well,” persisted the Party Manager, “you will at least, I hope,
indorse the party platform.”
The Gentleman replied: “It is improbable that its authors have
accurately expressed my views without consulting me; and if I
indorsed their work without approving it I should be a liar.”
“You are a detestable hypocrite and an idiot!” shouted the Party
Manager.
“Even your good opinion of my fitness,” replied the Gentleman,
“shall not persuade me.”
The Legislator and the Citizen
AN ex-Legislator asked a Most Respectable Citizen for a letter to
the Governor recommending him for appointment as Commissioner of
Shrimps and Crabs.
“Sir,” said the Most Respectable Citizen, austerely, “were you not
once in the State Senate?”
“Not so bad as that, sir, I assure you,” was the reply. “I was a
member of the Slower House. I was expelled for selling my
influence for money.”
“And you dare to ask for mine!” shouted the Most Respectable
Citizen. “You have the impudence? A man who will accept bribes
will probably offer them. Do you mean to - “
“I should not think of making a corrupt proposal to you, sir; but
if I were Commissioner of Shrimps and Crabs, I might have some
influence with the water-front population, and be able to help you
make your fight for Coroner.”
“In that case I do not feel justified in denying you the letter.”
So he took his pen, and, some demon guiding his hand, he wrote,
greatly to his astonishment:
“Who sells his influence should stop it,
An honest man will only swap it.”
The Rainmaker
AN Officer of the Government, with a great outfit of mule-waggons
loaded with balloons, kites, dynamite bombs, and electrical
apparatus, halted in the midst of a desert, where there had been no
rain for ten years, and set up a camp. After several months of
preparation and an expenditure of a million dollars all was in
readiness, and a series of tremendous explosions occurred on the
earth and in the sky. This was followed by a great down-pour of
rain, which washed the unfortunate Officer of the Government and
the outfit off the face of creation and affected the agricultural
heart with joy too deep for utterance. A Newspaper Reporter who
had just arrived escaped by climbing a hill near by, and there he
found the Sole Survivor of the expedition - a mule-driver - down on
his knees behind a mesquite bush, praying with extreme fervour.
“Oh, you can’t stop it that way,” said the Reporter.
“My fellow-traveller to the bar of God,” replied the Sole Survivor,
looking up over his shoulder, “your understanding is in darkness.
I am not stopping this great blessing; under Providence, I am
bringing it.”
“That is a pretty good joke,” said the Reporter, laughing as well
as he could in the strangling rain - “a mule driver’s prayer
answered!”
“Child of levity and scoffing,” replied the other; “you err again,
misled by these humble habiliments. I am the Rev. Ezekiel Thrifft,
a minister of the gospel, now in the service of the great
manufacturing firm of Skinn & Sheer. They make balloons, kites,
dynamite bombs, and electrical apparatus.”
The Citizen and the Snakes
A PUBLIC-SPIRITED Citizen who had failed miserably in trying to
secure a National political convention for his city suffered
acutely from dejection. While in that frame of mind he leaned
thoughtlessly against a druggist’s show-window, wherein were one
hundred and fifty kinds of assorted snakes. The glass breaking,
the reptiles all escaped into the street.
“When you can’t do what you wish,” said the Public-spirited
Citizen, “it is worth while to do what you can.”
Fortune and the Fabulist
A WRITER of Fables was passing through a lonely forest when he met
a Fortune. Greatly alarmed, he tried to climb a tree, but the
Fortune pulled him down and bestowed itself upon him with cruel
persistence.
“Why did you try to run away?” said the Fortune, when his struggles
had ceased and his screams were stilled. “Why do you glare at me
so inhospitably?”
“I don’t know what you are,” replied the Writer of Fables, deeply
disturbed.
“I am wealth; I am respectability,” the Fortune explained; “I am
elegant houses, a yacht, and a clean shirt every day. I am
leisure, I am travel, wine, a shiny hat, and an unshiny coat. I am
enough to eat.”
“All right,” said the Writer of Fables, in a whisper; “but for
goodness’ sake speak lower.”
“Why so?” the Fortune asked, in surprise.
“So as not to wake me,” replied the Writer of Fables, a holy calm
brooding upon his beautiful face.
A Smiling Idol
AN Idol said to a Missionary, “My friend, why do you seek to bring
me into contempt? If it had not been for me, what would you have
been? Remember thy creator that thy days be long in the land.”
“I confess,” replied the Missionary, fingering a number of tencent
pieces which a Sunday-school in his own country had forwarded to
him, “that I am a product of you, but I protest that you cannot
quote Scripture with accuracy and point. Therefore will I continue
to go up against you with the Sword of the Spirit.”
Shortly afterwards the Idol’s worshippers held a great religious
ceremony at the base of his pedestal, and as a part of the rites
the Missionary was roasted whole. As the tongue was removed for
the high priest’s table, “Ah,” said the Idol to himself, “that is
the Sword of the Spirit - the only Sword that is less dangerous
when unsheathed.”
And he smiled so pleasantly at his own wit that the provinces of
Ghargaroo, M’gwana, and Scowow were affected with a blight.
Philosophers Three
A BEAR, a Fox, and an Opossum were attacked by an inundation.
“Death loves a coward,” said the Bear, and went forward to fight
the flood.
“What a fool!” said the Fox. “I know a trick worth two of that.”
And he slipped into a hollow stump.
“There are malevolent forces,” said the Opossum, “which the wise
will neither confront nor avoid. The thing is to know the nature
of your antagonist.”
So saying the Opossum lay down and pretended to be dead.
The Boneless King
SOME Apes who had deposed their king fell at once into dissension
and anarchy. In this strait they sent a Deputation to a
neighbouring tribe to consult the Oldest and Wisest Ape in All the
World.
“My children,” said the Oldest and Wisest Ape in All the World,
when he had heard the Deputation, “you did right in ridding
yourselves of tyranny, but your tribe is not sufficiently advanced
to dispense with the forms of monarchy. Entice the tyrant back
with fair promises, kill him and enthrone. The skeleton of even
the most lawless despot makes a good constitutional sovereign.”
At this the Deputation was greatly abashed. “It is impossible,”
they said, moving away; “our king has no skeleton; he was stuffed.”
Uncalculating Zeal
A MAN-EATING tiger was ravaging the Kingdom of Damnasia, and the
King, greatly concerned for the lives and limbs of his Royal
subjects, promised his daughter Zodroulra to any man who would kill
the animal. After some days Camaraladdin appeared before the King
and claimed the reward.
“But where is the tiger?” the King asked.
“May jackasses sing above my uncle’s grave,” replied Camaraladdin,
“if I dared go within a league of him!”
“Wretch!” cried the King, unsheathing his consoler-under-disappointment; “how dare you claim my daughter when you have done
nothing to earn her?”
“Thou art wiser, O King, than Solyman the Great, and thy servant is
as dust in the tomb of thy dog, yet thou errest. I did not, it is
true, kill the tiger, but behold! I have brought thee the scalp of
the man who had accumulated five million pieces of gold and was
after more.”
The King drew his consoler-under-disappointment, and, flicking off
Camaraladdin’s head, said:
“Learn, caitiff, the expediency of uncalculating zeal. If the
millionaire had been let alone he would have devoured the tiger.”
A Transposition
TRAVELLING through the sage-brush country a Jackass met a rabbit,
who exclaimed in great astonishment:
“Good heavens! how did you grow so big? You are doubtless the
largest rabbit living.”
“No,” said the Jackass, “you are the smallest donkey.”
After a good deal of fruitless argument the question was referred
for decision to a passing Coyote, who was a bit of a demagogue and
desirous to stand well with both.
“Gentlemen,” said he, “you are both right, as was to have been
expected by persons so gifted with appliances for receiving
instruction from the wise. You, sir,” - turning to the superior
animal - “are, as he has accurately observed, a rabbit. And you” -
to the other - “are correctly described as a jackass. In
transposing your names man has acted with incredible folly.”
They were so pleased with the decision that they declared the
Coyote their candidate for the Grizzly Bearship; but whether he
ever obtained the office history does not relate.
The Honest Citizen
A POLITICAL Preferment, labelled with its price, was canvassing the
State to find a purchaser. One day it offered itself to a Truly
Good Man, who, after examining the label and finding the price was
exactly twice as great as he was willing to pay, spurned the
Political Preferment from his door. Then the People said: “Behold,
this is an honest citizen!” And the Truly Good Man humbly
confessed that it was so.
A Creaking Tail
AN American Statesman who had twisted the tail of the British Lion
until his arms ached was at last rewarded by a sharp, rasping
sound.
“I knew your fortitude would give out after a while,” said the
American Statesman, delighted; “your agony attests my political
power.”
“Agony I know not!” said the British Lion, yawning; “the swivel in
my tail needs a few drops of oil, that is all.”
Wasted Sweets
A CANDIDATE canvassing his district met a Nurse wheeling a Baby in
a carriage, and, stooping, imprinted a kiss upon the Baby’s clammy
muzzle. Rising, he saw a Man, who laughed.
“Why do you laugh?” asked the Candidate.
“Because,” replied the Man, “the Baby belongs to the Orphan
Asylum.”
“But the Nurse,” said the Candidate - “the Nurse will surely relate
the touching incident wherever she goes, and perhaps write to her
former master.”
“The Nurse,” said the Man who had laughed, “is an inmate of the
Institution for the Illiterate-Deaf-and-Dumb.”
Six and One
THE Committee on Gerrymander worked late, drawing intricate lines
on a map of the State, and being weary sought repose in a game of
poker. At the close of the game the six Republican members were
bankrupt and the single Democrat had all the money. On the next
day, when the Committee was called to order for business, one of
the luckless six mounted his legs, and said:
“Mr. Chairman, before we bend to our noble task of purifying
politics, in the interest of good government I wish to say a word
of
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