The jump., Vanda Q [macos ebook reader txt] 📗

vet. “He had a very peaceful, easy journey, really.” When he talks, this time, his blue eyes hold in their flickers an unmeasurable maturity. “Anyhow. Tea or coffee?” I mindlessly reply with ‘coffee’ and he taps with his cane again, cups making their appearance immediately; he has hot chocolate in his, mine is a perfectly made white coffee, as if he knew everything about me and my morning habits. He looks at me curiously, inquisitive, as if he knew before I asked what my next words would be.

 

“Are you here to take me?” I whisper, holding onto my cup, trying to ground myself through the feeling of holding that object. He chuckles and his blond hair is swept softly by the breeze of the morning. Light embraces his shoulders and features and he closes his eyes for a second, as if pondering a thought before revealing it to me.

 

“No. I am here to have a tea party.” He makes a pause and he must read the surprise painted across my face as he tilts his head like one of those Golden Retrievers you see in gifs on the internet. “What?” Then, before I can muster any reply, he nods and rolls his eyes, almost sarcastically. “I bet you thought I would be an old lady, dressed all in black, with a black magical hate and green skin, right? Or one of those skeletons with a cape and with fog around my feet, the Grimm Reaper, right? Ugh…” His expression is now morphed in the nuances of disgust and boredom. “You people have the silliest ideas. And this comes from me; and I’m 5 and a half. You think I am this miserable creature stealing your dear ones from you and enjoying seeing you suffer. You really have a rich and grim imagination. Now, now, drink up,” he points with an encouraging smile towards my cup and I follow his instructions, still under the spell of surprise and shock.

 

“See… If I were to guess, you are far more miserable than I could ever be. Because you think about me and what I do. I don’t. I just play around and enjoy my job. You fear me, thinking the worst thing that can ever happen to you is me taking you on a journey. Isn’t that paranoid?” He chuckles under his breath and I nod, unconsciously, as he drinks some of his milk; he has to hold the mug with both his hands and when he finishes, he licks his upper lip where hot chocolate delightedly drew a moustache. “Truth is, you are only scared of me and what I can do because you don’t know me. And what’s unknown scares you all. That’s why you panic when your girlfriend doesn’t reply for three hours to your messages or get worried when you let your cat outside. You always think about the worst. I guess it’s human nature.”

 

“How… Can you do this without…” I try to form sentences, but my mind is blank and I struggle to get the words out of my chest.

 

“Without feeling sad or feeling remorse? Because I don’t know these people. And I don’t know the people left behind to deal with the suffering. To be sincere, though, I do feel bad. But what can I do? This is who I am and it takes a lot of courage to accept things are imperfect and Death exists. But when you do, you suddenly stop thinking about it. And you just go with the flow. Without expectations, without any effort, holding onto the hope and knowledge this is your only shot. In 100 years, I will still be here. But you won’t. And do you think the people 100 years from now will care that I took you away from the world? They won’t. But they will probably care about the person that lived until 90 to be their great grandfather or the stories you will tell your friends about how you met Time, Love and Death. It’s simple; the more you think about it, jumping off that ledge seems like a very stupid idea, doesn’t it? I am not a psychotic criminal, making fathers die and sons start smoking…” He makes a pause and his smile now seems ancient, as if he’s seen all and been through all. “I am but the constant reminder you have only one chance to live your life; make friends with Time and find Love. I am not your end or the unknown you are so afraid of, I am the only thing that gives you life. Because without me, life would have no meaning.” As he finished the last word, his hands reach and grab his mug again and he makes a happy sound as he finishes it. I can feel his stare on me and when I look into his eyes, I do not see fear or desperation; I see light and hope and ambition… I see the meaning of life. He smiles towards me, in his childish way and climbs down from his chair, prompting me to stand by him. His fingers fumble through his pockets and he fishes out a digital watch with a missing strap and when he glances back at me, with light braided in his hair, I feel the urge to hug him; thank him… Thank a 5-year-old for existing.

 

“Remember me, Cassian.” His voice is soft and almost parental, encompassing me in warmth and a fluttering feeling almost takes my breath away. Before I know, the sound of the cane being tapped against the cement reverberates in my ears and my eyes can only comprehend what is happening in slow motion. The world around me is frozen and as I try to extend my hand, he gives me a last wink; the breeze of the morning welcomes me as I try to grab the air where he stood a few seconds ago. He is gone. In the tender light of the morning, I am standing here with my arm reaching out, trying to grasp a fantasy, a dream that was long gone before I could even act on that wish. I am standing here, smiling to myself, until I feel my back embraced by the warmth of a new day and I remind myself I have to breathe. When I turn around and look at the ledge a few steps away from me, I suddenly feel the urge to cry; to let out all the emotions that have been caged like wild animals under my ribcage, waiting for an exit, an escape out of the chest that has kept them prisoners. I just feel like… Crying; letting myself revel in that emotion, feelings contradicting each other and fighting, confusing my mind and liberating my heart. Through the tears that roll slowly down my cheeks, I look down at the street beneath me; a guy in a suit just got his coffee and donuts and is now walking towards work. His day is going to be uneventful, though…

 

x x x

 

We are told death is a gruelling experience, that we should fear death and the unknown it stands for, to run away from the thought of it. We are told death is the only thing that can destroy some lives and make some people rotten at the core. But the Death I know is a child that doesn’t think too much about himself or what he does, that silently gives the most precious gift we could have ever asked for… And he does it without us even asking for it or noticing it, most of the time. And if Time and Love are the ones who will break our hearts and betray our expectations, Death is the only one who can make you want to live. Death is only a child whose burden is greater than he can understand, but with an understanding of the world that could burden anyone.

 

When I was young, 5 years old, my parents told me I was their most precious achievement, the culmination of all the good things that happened to them, perfection beyond its meaning; their achievement was… Life. And they were right. The greatest accomplishment you can have is living and knowing what life is, truly. But I understand now that life would be priceless without another 5 years old I know. And finding that innocence, serenity and happiness his smile held is what I should really look forward to; getting to a place where my burdens are too big to be understood, but my understanding could burden anyone else. It’s the simple understanding that Death is not the end and it is not something we should fear; that Death is not there to make us suffer, weaken our trust, trample all over our souls or make us feel insignificant. It’s not there for us… For me to excuse my own actions and thoughts or act as a plan B when I can’t befriend Time or find Love.

 

Death is there to be the force that makes you want to wake up in the morning and reminds you how you like white coffee and… Ultimately, Death makes you realise that you may never befriend Time or find Love or maybe you will; but you will never know which one will happen. You will never know how your story will unfold and what you will go through, until you try, until you… Take the jump. So, jump.

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Publication Date: 07-17-2017

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