The Adventures of Gil Blas of Santillane, Alain René le Sage [most read books .txt] 📗

poppy, and other simples, but no

compounds.

 

In vain did he crack off his water, and teach me the secret of

composing delicious messes. I was so abstemious, that, remarking

my moderation, he said — In good sooth, Gil Blas, I marvel not

that you are no better than you are; you do not drink enough, my

friend. Water taken in a small quantity serves only to separate

the particles of bile and set them in action; but our practice is

to drown them in a copious drench, Fear not, my good lad, lest a

superabundance of liquid should either weaken or chill your

stomach; far from thy better judgment be that silly fear of

unadulterated drink. I will ensure you against all consequences;

and if my authority will not serve your turn, read Celsus. That

oracle of the ancients makes an admirable panegyric on water; in

short, he says in plain terms that those who plead an inconstant

stomach in favour of wine, publish a libel on their own bowels,

and make their organization a pretence for their sensuality.

 

As it would have been ungenteel in me to have run riot on my

entrance into the career of practice, I affected thorough

conviction; indeed, I thought there was something in it. I

therefore went on drinking water on the authority of Celsus, or,

to speak in scientific terms, I began to drown the bile in

copious drenches of that unadulterated liquor; and though I felt

myself more out of order from day to day, prejudice won the cause

against experience. It is evident, therefore, that I was in the

right road to the practice of physic. Yet I could not always be

insensible to the qualms which increased in my frame, to that

degree, as to determine me on quitting Doctor Sangrado. But he

invested me with a new office which changed my tone. Hark you, my

child, said he to me one day, I am not one of those hard and

ungrateful masters, who leave their household to grow grey in

service without a suitable reward. I am well pleased with you, I

have a regard for you, and without waiting till you have served

your time, I will make your fortune. Without more ado, I will

initiate you in the healing art, of which I have for so many

years been at the head. Other physicians make the science to

consist of various unintelligible branches; but I will shorten

the road for you, and dispense with the drudgery of studying

natural philosophy, pharmacy, botany, and anatomy. Remember, my

friend, that bleeding and drinking warm water are the two grand

principles; the true secret of curing all the distempers incident

to humanity. Yes, this marvellous secret which I reveal to you,

and which nature, beyond the reach of my colleagues, has failed

in rescuing from my pen, is comprehended in these two articles —

namely, bleeding and drenching. Here you have the sum total of my

philosophy; you are thoroughly bottomed in medicine, and may

raise yourself to the summit of fame on the shoulders of my long

experience. You may enter into partnership at once, by keeping

the books in the morning, and going out to visit patients in the

afternoon. While I dose the nobility and clergy, you shall labour

in your vocation among the lower orders; and when you have felt

your ground a little, I will get you admitted into our body. You

are a philosopher, Gil Blas, though you have never graduated; the

common herd of them, though they have graduated in due form and

order, are likely to run out the length of their tether without

knowing their right hand from their left.

 

I thanked the doctor for having so speedily enabled me to serve

as his deputy; and, by way of acknowledging his goodness,

promised to follow his system to the end of my career, with a

magnanimous indifference about the aphorisms of Hippocrates. But

that engagement was not to be taken to the letter. This tender

attachment to water went against the grain, and I had a scheme

for drinking wine every day snugly among the patients. I left off

wearing my own suit a second time, to take up one of my master’s,

and look like an inveterate practitioner. After which I brought

my medical theories into play, leaving them to look to the event

whom it might concern. I began on an alguazil in a pleurisy; he

was condemned to be bled with the utmost rigour of the law, at

the same time that the system was to be replenished copiously

with water. Next I made a lodgment in the veins of a gouty

pastry-cook, who roared like a lion by reason of gouty spasms. I

stood on no more ceremony with his blood than with that of the

alguazil, and laid no restriction on his taste for simple

liquids. My prescriptions brought me in twelve rials; an incident

so auspicious in my professional career, that I only wished for

the plagues of Egypt on all the hale subjects of Valladolid. As I

was coming out of the pastry-cook’s whom should I meet but

Fabricio, a total stranger since the death of the licentiate

S�dillo! He looked at me with astonishment for some seconds; then

set up a laugh with all his might, and held his sides. He had no

reason to be grave, for I had a cloak trailing on the ground,

with a doublet and breeches of four times my natural dimensions.

I was certainly a complete original. I suffered him to make merry

as long as he liked, and could scarcely help joining in the

ridicule; but I kept a guard on my muscles to preserve a becoming

dignity in public, and the better to enact the physician, whose

part in society is not that of a buffoon. If the absurdity of my

appearance excited Fabricio’s merriment, my affected gravity

added zest to it; and when he had nearly exhausted his lungs —

By all the powers, Gil Blas, quoth he, thou art in complete

masquerade. Who the devil has dressed you up in this manner? Fair

and softly, my friend, replied I, fair and softly, be a little on

your good behaviour with a modern Hippocrates. Understand me to

be the substitute of Doctor Sangrado, the most eminent physician

in Valladolid. I have lived with him these three weeks. He has

bottomed me thoroughly in medicine; and, as he cannot perform the

obsequies of all the patients who send for him, I visit a part of

them to take the burden off his conscience. He does execution in

great families, I among the vulgar. Vastly well, replied

Fabricio; that is to say, he grants you a lease on the blood of

the commonalty, but keeps to himself the fee-simple of the

fashionable world. I wish you joy of your lot; it is a pleasanter

line of practice among the populace than among great folk. Long

live a snug connection in the suburbs! a man’s mistakes are

easily buried, and his murders elude all but God’s revenge. Yes,

my brave boy, your destiny is truly enviable; in the language of

Alexander, were I not Fabricio, I could wish to be Gil Blas.

 

To show the son of Nunez, the barber, that he was not much out in

his reckoning on my present happiness, I chinked the fees of the

alguazil and the pastry-cook; and this was followed by an

adjournment to a tavern, to drink to their perfect recovery. The

wine was very fair, and my impatience for the well-known smack

made me think it better than it was. I took some good long

draughts, and without gainsaying the Latin oracle, in proportion

as I poured it into its natural reservoir, I felt my

accommodating entrails to owe me no grudge for the hard service

into which I pressed them. As for Fabricio and myself, we sat

some time in the tavern, making merry at the expense of our

masters, as servants are too much accustomed to do. At last,

seeing the night approach, we parted, after engaging to meet at

the same place on the following day after dinner.

 

CH. IV. — Gil Blas goes on practising physic with equal success

and ability. Adventure of the recovered ring.

 

I WAS no sooner at home than Doctor Sangrado came in. I talked to

him about the patients I had seen, and paid into his hands eight

remaining rials of the twelve I had received for my

prescriptions. Eight rials! said he, as he counted them, mighty

little for two visits! But we must take things as we find them.

In the spirit of taking things as he found them, he laid violent

hands on six, giving me the other two — Here, Gil Blas,

continued he, see what a foundation to build upon. I make over to

you the fourth of all you may bring me. You will soon feather

your nest, my friend; for, by the blessing of Providence, there

will be a great deal of ill health this year.

 

I had reason to be content with my dividend; since, having

determined to keep back the third part of what I received in my

rounds, and afterwards touching another fourth of the remainder,

half of the whole, if arithmetic is anything more than a

deception, would become my perquisite. This inspired me with new

zeal for my profession. The next day, as soon as I had dined, I

resumed my medical paraphernalia, and took the field once more. I

visited several patients on the list, and treated their several

complaints in one invariable routine. Hitherto things went on

under the rose, and no individual, thank heaven, had risen up in

rebellion against my prescriptions. But let a physician’s cures

be as

 

extraordinary as they will, some quack or other is always ready

to rip up his reputation. I was called in to a grocer’s son in a

dropsy. Whom should I find there before me but a little black-looking physician, by name Doctor Cuchillo, introduced by a

relation of the family. I bowed round most profoundly, but dipped

lowest to the personage whom I took to have been invited to a

consultation with me. He returned my compliment with a distant

air; then, having stared me in the face for a few seconds —

Signor Doctor, said he, I beg pardon for being inquisitive, I

thought I had been acquainted with all my brethren in Valladolid,

but I confess your physiognomy is altogether new. You must have

been settled but a short time in town. I avowed myself a young

practitioner, acting as yet under the direction of Doctor

Sangrado. I wish you joy, replied he politely, you are studying

under a great man. You must doubtless have seen a vast deal of

sound practice, young as you appear to be, He spoke this with so

easy an assurance, that I was at a loss whether he meant it

seriously, or was laughing at me. While I was conning over my

reply, the grocer, seizing on the opportunity, said —

Gentlemen, I am persuaded of your both being perfectly competent

in your art; have the goodness without ado to take the case in

hand, and devise some effectual means for the restoration of my

son’s health.

 

Thereupon the little pulse-counter set himself about reviewing

the patient’s situation; and after having dilated to me on all

the symptoms, asked me what I thought the fittest method of

treatment. I am of opinion, replied I, that he should be bled

once a day, and drink as much warm water as he can swallow. At

these words, our diminutive doctor said to me with a malicious

simper — And so you think such a course will save the patient?

Never doubt it, exclaimed I in a confident