The Adventures of Gil Blas of Santillane, Alain René le Sage [most read books .txt] 📗
- Author: Alain René le Sage
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that effect, because it is a certain method of cure for all
distempers. Ask Signor Sangrado. At that rate, retorted he,
Celsus is altogether in the wrong; for he contends that the
readiest way to cure a dropsical subject is to let him almost die
of hunger and thirst. Oh! as for Celsus, interrupted I, he is no
oracle of mine, as fallible as the meanest of us; I often have
occasion to bless myself for going contrary to his dogmas. I
discover by your language, said Cuchillo, the safe and sure
method of practice Doctor Sangrado instils into his pupils.
Bleeding and drenching are the extent of his resources. No wonder
so many worthy people are cut off under his direction … . No
defamation! interrupted I with some acrimony; a member of the
faculty had better not begin throwing stones. Come, come, my
learned doctor, patients can get to the other world without
bleeding and warm water; and I question whether the most deadly
of us has ever signed more passports than yourself. If you have
any crow to pluck with Signor Sangrado, write against him, he
will answer you, and we shall soon see who will have the best of
the battle. By all the saints in the calendar! swore he, in a
transport of passion, you little know whom you are talking to. I
have a tongue and a fist, my friend; and am not afraid of
Sangrado, who, with all his arrogance and affectation, is but a
ninny. The size of the little death-dealer made me hold his anger
cheap. I gave him a sharp retort; he sent back as good as I
brought, till at last we came to cuffs. We had pulled a few
handfuls of hair from each other’s heads before the grocer and
his kinsman could part us. When they had brought this about, they
feed me for my attendance, and retained my antagonist, whom they
thought the more skilful of the two.
Another adventure succeeded close on the heels of this. I went to
see a huge chanter in a fever. As soon as he heard me talk of
warm water, he showed himself so averse to this specific, as to
fall into a fit of swearing. He abused me in all possible shapes,
and threatened to throw me out at window. I was in a greater
hurry to get out of his house than to get in. I did not choose to
see any more patients that day, and repaired to the inn where I
had agreed to meet Fabricio. He was there first. As we found
ourselves in a tippling humour, we drank hard, and returned to
our employers in a pretty pickle, that is to say, so-so in the
upper story. Signor Sangrado was not aware of my being drunk,
because he took the lively gestures which accompanied the
relation of my quarrel with the little doctor, for an effect of
the agitation not yet subsided after the battle. Besides, he came
in for his share in my report; and feeling himself nettled by
Cuchillo — You have done well, Gil Blas, said he, to defend the
character of our practice against this little abortion of the
faculty. So he takes upon him to set his face against watery
drenches in dropsical cases? An ignorant fellow! I maintain, I
do, in my own person, that the use of them may be reconciled to
the best theories. Yes, water is a cure for all sorts of
dropsies, just as it is good for rheumatisms and the green
sickness. It is excellent, too, in those fevers where the effect
is at once to parch and to chill, and even miraculous in those
disorders ascribed to cold, thin, phlegmatic, and pituitous
humours. This opinion may seem strange to young practitioners
like Cuchillo; but it is right orthodox in the best and soundest
systems: so that if persons of that description were capable of
taking a philosophical view, instead of crying me down, they
would become my most zealous advocates.
In his rage, he never suspected me of drinking: for, to
exasperate him still more against the little doctor, I had thrown
into my recital some circumstances of my own addition. Yet,
engrossed as he was by what I had told him, he could not help
taking notice that I drank more water than usual that evening.
In fact, the wine had made me very thirsty. Any one but Sangrado
would have distrusted my being so very dry, as to swallow down
glass after glass: but as for him, he took it for granted, in the
simplicity of his heart, that I began to acquire a relish for
aqueous potations. Apparently, Gil Blas, said he with a gracious
smile, you have no longer such a dislike to water. As heaven is
my judge! you quaff it off like nectar. It is no wonder, my
friend, I was certain you would take a liking to that liquor.
Sir, replied I, there is a tide in the affairs of men: with my
present lights, I would give all the wine in Valladolid for a
pint of water. This answer delighted the doctor, who would not
lose so fine an opportunity of expatiating on the excellence of
water. He undertook to ring the changes once more in its praise,
not like a hireling pleader, but as an enthusiast in the cause. A
thousand times, exclaimed he, a thousand and a thousand times of
greater value, as being more innocent than our modern taverns,
were those baths of ages past, whither the people went not
shamefully to squander their fortunes and expose their lives, by
swilling themselves with wine, but assembled there for the decent
and economical amusement of drinking warm water. It is difficult
enough to admire the patriotic forecast of those ancient
politicians, who established places of public resort, where water
was dealt out gratis to all comers, and who confined wine to the
shops of the apothecaries, that its use might be prohibited but
under the direction of physicians. What a stroke of wisdom! It is
doubtless to preserve the seeds of that antique frugality,
emblematic of the golden age, that persons are found to this day,
like you and me, who drink nothing but water, and are persuaded
they possess a prevention or a cure for every ailment, provided
our warm water has never boiled; for I have observed that water,
when it has boiled, is heavier, and sits less easily on the
stomach.
While he was holding forth thus eloquently, I was in danger more
than once of splitting my sides with laughing. But I contrived to
keep my countenance: nay, more; to chime in with the doctor’s
theory. I found fault with the use of wine, and pitied mankind
for having contracted an untoward relish to so pernicious a
beverage. Then, finding my thirst not sufficiently allayed, I
filled a large goblet with water, and after having swilled it
like a horse: Come, sir, said I to my master, let us drink
plentifully of this beneficial liquor. Let us make those early
establishments of dilution you so much regret, to live again in
your house. He clapped his hands in ecstacy at these words, and
preached to me for a whole hour about suffering no liquid but
water to pass my lips. To confirm the habit, I promised to drink
a large quantity every evening; and, to keep my word with less
violence to my private inclinations, I went to bed with a
determined purpose of going to the tavern every day.
The trouble I had got into at the grocer’s did not discourage me
from phlebotomizing and prescribing warm water in the usual
course. Coming out of a house where I had been visiting a poet in
a phrenzy, I was accosted in the street by an old woman who came
up and asked me if I was a physician. I said yes. As that is the
case, replied she, I entreat you with all humility to go along
with me. My niece has been ill since yesterday, and I cannot
conceive what is the matter with her. I followed the old lady to
her house, where I was shown into a very decent room, occupied by
a female who kept her bed. I went near, to consider her case. Her
features struck me from the first; and I discovered beyond the
possibility of a mistake, after having looked at her some little
time, the she-adventurer who had played the part of Camilla so
adroitly. For her part, she did not seem to recollect me at all,
whether from the oppression of her disorder, or from my dress as
a physician rendering me not easy to be known again. I took her
by the hand, to feel her pulse; and saw my ring upon her finger.
I was all in a twitter at the discovery of a valuable, on which I
had a claim both in law and equity. Great was my longing to make
a snatch at it; but considering that these fair ones would set up
a great scream, and that Don Raphael or some other defender of
injured innocence might rush in to their rescue, I laid an
embargo on my privateering. I thought it best to come by my own
in an honest way, and to consult Fabricio about the means. To
this last course I stuck. In the mean time the old woman urged me
to inform her with what disease her niece was troubled. I was not
fool enough to own my ignorance; on the contrary, I took upon
myself as a man of science, and after my master’s example,
pronounced solemnly that the disorder accrued to the patient from
the defect of natural perspiration; that consequently she must
lose blood as soon as possible, because if we could not open one
pore, we always open another: and I finished my prescription with
warm water, to do the thing methodically.
I shortened my visit as much as possible, and ran to the son of
Nunez, whom I met just as he was going out on an errand for his
master. I told him my new adventure, and asked his advice about
laying an information against Camilla. Pooh! Nonsense! replied
he; that would not be the way to get your ring again. Those
gentry think restitution double trouble. Call to mind your
imprisonment at Astorga; your horse, your money, your very
clothes, did not they all centre in the hands of justice? We must
rather set our wits to work for the recovery of your diamond. I
take on myself the charge of inventing some stratagem for that
purpose. I will deliberate it in my way to the hospital, where I
have to say but two words from my master to the purveyor. Do you
wait for me at our house of call, and do not be on the fret: I
will be with you shortly.
I had waited, however, more than three hours at the appointed
place, when he arrived. I did not know him again at first.
Besides that he had changed his dress and platted his hair, a
pair of false whiskers covered half his face. He wore an immense
sword with a hilt of at least three feet in circumference, and
marched at the head of five men of as swaggering an air as
himself, with bushy whiskers and long rapiers. Good day to you,
Signor Gil Blas, said he by way of salutation; behold an alguazil
upon a new construction, and marshalmen of like materials in
these brave fellows my companions. We have only to be shown where
the woman lodges who purloined the diamond, and we will obtain
restitution, take my word for it. I hugged Fabricio at this
discourse, which let me into the plot,
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