February 12th, Sabrina Smith [sneezy the snowman read aloud .TXT] 📗

It’s February 12th, 2012. Nobody remembers that this is an anniversary but me. It’s not for a death, or marriage, or anything. It’s for the day that ruined the best friendship I ever had.
It all started two years ago, in October 2010 I believe. My mom had arranged a seminar with an inspirational speaker named Don Ray; there were four two day seminars across a series of a couple months. That’s where I met David. I willingly admitted that he was attractive, and cautiously studied him throughout the seminars. I remember distinctly that I stole his hat once; I had an unnatural obsession with hats. Sigh…good times. Well, onward we go.
I started Washington Academy that fall. And guess who started there, too? That’s right; David. I remember thinking “Hey, I know you…” but having no further interest. But that all changed when I got his number from a friend.
I don’t think I’ve ever texted someone so much. I felt so comfortable with him, like I could tell him anything about me and he would accept it as it was with no judgment. I can’t say that I treated him that way all the time. I constantly had to remember to be open and non-judgmental. Now that I think about it, I was a horrible friend compared to him.
But he didn’t seem to mind. He was a great source of comfort and insight that year, and I am so grateful he was there to hold my hand (that is in the theoretical sense though, considering it was an online school).
I was so stupid. How could I not have noticed that he was falling for me? I mean, why would someone stay up until 4am talking to me because I had a bad day unless they felt something more than friendship going on? It frustrates me that I didn’t read the signs. I knew I was falling for him, however much I tried to deny it, but I never imagined that he could ever feel anything for me.
One day while we were chatting on Facebook, my friend Bella let it slip to David that I had feelings for him. I was furious, but he assured me he already knew, and told me that he loved me, but that we could only be friends. Disappointed but slightly reassured that it couldn’t work out, therefore my feelings were harmless.
Well, for New Year’s David went on a vacation with his family. I believe we grew even closer together through our mutual need for a friend who wouldn’t judge us. I think it’s safe to say it all went downhill from there.
On February 12th, I got on the school’s forum and found a message in my inbox from David, declaring his love for me and how the biggest mistake he made was telling me that we should just be friends. HOW THE HECK TO YOU RESPOND TO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
Of course, you’d think the obvious answer would be “Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!” right? But…here’s the thing. I’m LDS. I can’t date until I turn 16. And at the time, I was 14. And I had made up my mind that I would keep my standards. I cried so much, but I told him I couldn’t do it, but that I still wanted to keep him as a friend. I didn’t want to lose him as a friend.
Of course, he said he’d act like he didn’t feel anything beyond friendship. You know what happened? All that comfort, all that love and hand holding? It disappeared. He was avoiding talking about anything serious. And it killed me. Several times I almost broke down and told him that I loved him; but I restrained myself. Then came the conversation about his daydreams. He said he had four of them, so I waited as he typed them out, one by one. First one, then two…then number four. He refused to tell me what number three was about until I told him what I’d been trying to tell him for weeks.
I felt cornered and emotional. But I did it. I told him that I loved him.
It felt good. It felt right.
And you know what the daydream was about? Me. And kissing. And ocean waves and talking…*content sigh*
After I read the daydream, we talked about going on walks together. But you know what happens after that? I can’t remember. I just…can’t. I remember telling my friends that he was a jerk, that he’d become distant and wasn’t talking to me. I remember crying when they told me that I broke his heart. But I don’t remember how it ended.
And it kills me inside.
I spent all that summer trying to avoid talking about him. I tried to forget him. I kept thinking that if only he hadn’t said anything, everything would be okay. But it wouldn’t have been okay, and it wasn’t okay. And it hurt.
About August, I went to a dance at my church. I met this guy named Jason, who reminded me so much of David. I couldn’t get over it. I had spent all summer trying to forget, and here’s this guy who has an uncanny resemblance to him.
Great.
I broke down. I cried. I spent half an hour composing a message, apologizing for my behavior, saying that I wanted to try and be his friend. I used a lyric from a Taylor Swift song as my final line; this is me swallowing my pride standing in front of you saying I’m sorry for that night. I’d go back in time and change it, but I can’t. So if the chain is on your door I understand.
He said we could be friends. I never pushed to talk to him. I was almost afraid to annoy him, and I think that was one of my problems. I allowed him to have power over me. I always worried what he’d think about what I did, worried that he’d get annoyed and not talk to me. Our friendship was never the same. Twice he told me we couldn’t be friends. But I was persistent. I kept texting, even when he said not to.
Finally, I got him to admit he missed me, too. But we were still cautious. I let him get away with talking ways I hadn’t let him before in order to get him to keep talking. I think I should have kept those boundaries. Either way, we were only friends, and not close friends. The kind of friends that barely ever talk.
It sucked.
And then he dropped the biggest bomb that hurt to the core.
He started dating my best friend Claire.
WHO DOES THAT? Oh right; bitter ex-boyfriends who you didn’t ever actually date.
And I was extremely angry. Because I knew he didn’t actually like her. She knew that he didn’t actually like her. But he is dang good at pretending. And she’s blinded by love for him and lets him get away with treating her like trash.
And it pisses. Me. Off. And he knows it. Oh boy does he know it. I’ve asked him twice why he was dating Claire. The first time he fed me bull crap about how “hey, she’s kinda cute, and she’s fun to hang out with, has a fun personality, why not?” The second time? He basically told me he was doing it so that he could break her heart to get back at me, because watching someone close to you get hurt because of you hurts more than getting hurt yourself.
Yes, he’s cruel and twisted. And I still love him. Not in the “I want you back” sense, but I remember us and it makes me sad to see what we’ve turned into.
Anyway, it took me a couple weeks, but I finally told Claire what David had said. Basically, she was in shock, and said she was seeing him that night, and would talk to him about it.
You know what she did? She put it off. She claimed there wasn’t time to tell him, that he only stayed twenty minutes. Girl, you need to put your big girl pants on, take a step back and look at this for what it is. I am not a delusional ex-girlfriend who wants her guy back. I haven’t wanted him back for a while. But he’s treating you like trash, and you deserve better.
But does she believe me? No, she doesn’t.
Well, it’s February 12th, and I remember how life used to be, before all this happened. But no one else seems to.

Publication Date: 02-14-2012

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