The Rivals, Richard Brinsley Sheridan [books recommended by bts .txt] 📗

- my Beverley?

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] Ah! 'tis all over.

Sir ANTHONY Beverley! - the devil - Beverley! - What can the girl mean? - this is my son, Jack Absolute.

Mrs. MALAPROP For shame, hussy! for shame! your head runs so on that fellow, that you have him always in your eyes! - beg Captain Absolute's pardon directly.

LYDIA I see no Captain Absolute, but my loved Beverley!

Sir ANTHONY Zounds! the girl's mad! - her brain's turned by reading.

Mrs. MALAPROP O' my conscience, I believe so! - What do you mean by Beverley, hussy? - You saw Captain Absolute before to-day; there he is - your husband that shall be.

LYDIA With all my soul, ma'am - when I refuse my Beverley - -

Sir ANTHONY Oh! she's as mad as Bedlam! - or has this fellow been playing us a rogue's trick! - Come here, sirrah, who the devil are you?

ABSOLUTE Faith, sir, I am not quite clear myself; but I'll endeavour to recollect.

Sir ANTHONY Are you my son or not? - answer for your mother, you dog, if you won't for me.

Mrs. MALAPROP Ay, sir, who are you? O mercy! I begin to suspect! - -

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] Ye powers of impudence, befriend me! - [Aloud.] Sir Anthony, most assuredly I am your wife's son: and that I sincerely believe myself to be yours also, I hope my duty has always shown. - Mrs. Malaprop, I am your most respectful admirer, and shall be proud to add affectionate nephew. - I need not tell my Lydia, that she sees her faithful Beverley, who, knowing the singular generosity of her temper, assumed that name and station, which has proved a test of the most disinterested love, which he now hopes to enjoy in a more elevated character.

LYDIA [Sullenly.] So! - there will be no elopement after all!

Sir ANTHONY Upon my soul, Jack, thou art a very impudent fellow! to do you justice, I think I never saw a piece of more consummate assurance!

ABSOLUTE Oh, you flatter me, sir - you compliment - 'tis my modesty, you know, sir, - my modesty that has stood in my way.

Sir ANTHONY Well, I am glad you are not the dull, insensible varlet you pretended to be, however! - I'm glad you have made a fool of your father, you dog - I am. So this was your penitence , your duty and
obedience! - I thought it was damned sudden! - You never heard their names before , not you! - what, the Languishes of Worcestershire , hey? - if you could please me in the affair it was all you desired! - Ah! you dissembling villain! - What! - [Pointing to Lydia]
She squints, don't she? - a little red-haired girl! - hey? - Why, you hypocritical young rascal! - I wonder you ain't ashamed to hold up your head!

ABSOLUTE 'Tis with difficulty, sir. - I am confused - very much confused, as you must perceive.

Mrs. MALAPROP O Lud! Sir Anthony! - a new light breaks in upon me! - hey! - how! what! captain, did you write the letters then? - What - am I to thank you for the elegant compilation of an old weather-beaten she-dragon - hey! - O mercy! - was it you that reflected on my parts of speech?

ABSOLUTE Dear sir! my modesty will be overpowered at last, if you don't assist me - I shall certainly not be able to stand it!

Sir ANTHONY Come, come, Mrs. Malaprop, we must forget and forgive; - odds life! matters have taken so clever a turn all of a sudden, that I could find in my heart to be so good-humoured! and so gallant! hey! Mrs. Malaprop!

Mrs. MALAPROP Well, Sir Anthony, since you desire it, we will not anticipate the past! - so mind, young people - our retrospection will be all to the future.

Sir ANTHONY Come, we must leave them together; Mrs. Malaprop, they long to fly into each other's arms, I warrant! - Jack - isn't the cheek as I said, hey? - and the eye, you rogue! - and the lip - hey? Come, Mrs. Malaprop, we'll not disturb their tenderness - theirs is the time of life for happiness! - Youth's the season made for joy - [Sings.] - hey! - Odds life! I'm in such spirits, - I don't know what I could not do! - Permit me, ma'am - [Gives his hand to Mrs. MALAPROP.] Tol-de-rol - 'gad, I should like to have a little fooling myself - Tol-de-rol! de-rol.

[Exit, singing and handing Mrs. MALAPROP. - LYDIA sits sullenly in her chair.]

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] So much thought bodes me no good. - [Aloud.] So grave, Lydia!

LYDIA Sir!

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] So! - egad! I thought as much! - that damned monosyllable has froze me! - [Aloud.] What, Lydia, now that we are as happy in our friends' consent, as in our mutual vows - -

LYDIA [Peevishly.] Friends' consent indeed!

ABSOLUTE Come, come, we must lay aside some of our romance - a little wealth and comfort may be endured after all. And for your fortune, the lawyers shall make such settlements as - -

LYDIA Lawyers! I hate lawyers!

ABSOLUTE Nay, then, we will not wait for their lingering forms, but instantly procure the licence, and - -

LYDIA The licence! - I hate licence!

ABSOLUTE Oh my love! be not so unkind! - thus let me entreat - - [Kneeling.]

LYDIA Psha! - what signifies kneeling, when you know I must have you?

ABSOLUTE [Rising.] Nay, madam, there shall be no constraint upon your inclinations, I promise you. - If I have lost your heart - I resign the rest - [Aside.] 'Gad, I must try what a little spirit will do.

LYDIA [Rising.] Then, sir, let me tell you, the interest you had there was acquired by a mean, unmanly imposition, and deserves the punishment of fraud. - What, you have been treating me like a child! - humouring my romance! and laughing, I suppose, at your success!

ABSOLUTE You wrong me, Lydia, you wrong me - only hear - -

LYDIA So, while I fondly imagined we were deceiving my relations, and flattered myself that I should outwit and incense them all - behold my hopes are to be crushed at once, by my aunt's consent and approbation - and I am myself the only dupe at last! - [Walking about in a heat.] But here, sir, here is the picture - Beverley's picture! [taking a miniature from her bosom] which I have worn, night and day, in spite of threats and entreaties! - There, sir [Flings it to him.]; and be assured I throw the original from my heart as easily.

ABSOLUTE Nay, nay, ma'am, we will not differ as to that. - Here [taking out a picture], here is Miss Lydia Languish. - What a difference! - ay, there is the heavenly assenting smile that first gave soul and spirit to my hopes! - those are the lips which sealed a vow, as yet scarce dry in Cupid's calendar! and there the half-resentful blush, that would have checked the ardour of my thanks! - Well, all that's past! - all over indeed! - There, madam - in beauty, that copy is not equal to you, but in my mind its merit over the original, in being still the same, is such - that - I cannot find in my heart to part with it. [Puts it up again.]

LYDIA [Softening.] 'Tis your own doing, sir - I, I, I suppose you are perfectly satisfied.

ABSOLUTE O, most certainly - sure, now, this is much better than being in love! - ha! ha! ha! - there's some spirit in this! - What signifies breaking some scores of solemn promises: - all that's of no consequence, you know. To be sure people will say, that miss don't know her own mind - but never mind that! Or, perhaps, they may be ill-natured enough to hint, that the gentleman grew tired of the lady and forsook her - but don't let that fret you.

LYDIA There is no bearing his insolence. [Bursts into tears.]

[Re-enter Mrs. MALAPROP and Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.]

Mrs. MALAPROP Come, we must interrupt your billing and cooing awhile.

LYDIA This is worse than your treachery and deceit, you base ingrate! [Sobbing.]

Sir ANTHONY What the devil's the matter now? - Zounds! Mrs. Malaprop, this is the oddest billing and cooing I ever heard! - but what the deuce is the meaning of it? - I am quite astonished!

ABSOLUTE Ask the lady, sir.

Mrs. MALAPROP O mercy! - I'm quite analyzed, for my part! - Why, Lydia, what is the reason of this?

LYDIA Ask the gentleman, ma'am.

Sir ANTHONY Zounds! I shall be in a frenzy! - Why, Jack, you are not come out to be any one else, are you?

Mrs. MALAPROP Ay, sir, there's no more trick, is there? - you are not like Cerberus, three gentlemen at once, are you?

ABSOLUTE You'll not let me speak - I say the lady can account for this much much better than I can.

LYDIA Ma'am, you once commanded me never to think of Beverley again - there is the man - I now obey you: for, from this moment, I renounce him for ever. [Exit.]

Mrs. MALAPROP O mercy! and miracles! what a turn here is - why, sure, captain, you haven't behaved disrespectfully to my niece.

Sir ANTHONY Ha! ha! ha! - ha! ha! ha! - now I see it. Ha! ha! ha! - now I see it - you have been too lively, Jack.

ABSOLUTE Nay, sir, upon my word - -

Sir ANTHONY Come, no lying, Jack - I'm sure 'twas so.

Mrs. MALAPROP O Lud! Sir Anthony! - O fy, captain!

ABSOLUTE Upon my soul, ma'am - -

Sir ANTHONY Come, no excuses, Jack; why, your father, you rogue, was so before you: - the blood of the Absolutes was always impatient. - Ha! ha! ha! poor little Lydia! why, you've frightened her, you dog, you have.

ABSOLUTE By all that's good, sir - -

Sir ANTHONY Zounds! say no more, I tell you - Mrs. Malaprop shall make your peace. You must make his peace, Mrs. Malaprop: - you must tell her 'tis Jack's way - tell her 'tis all our ways - it runs in the blood of our family! Come away, Jack - Ha! ha! ha! - Mrs. Malaprop - a young villain! [Pushing him out.]

Mrs. MALAPROP O! Sir Anthony! - O fy, captain!

[Exeunt severally.]

* * * * * * *


Scene III - The North Parade. [Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER.]

Sir LUCIUS I wonder where this Captain Absolute hides himself! Upon my conscience! these officers are always in one's way in love affairs: - I remember I might have married Lady Dorothy Carmine, if it had not been for a little rogue of a major, who ran away with her before she could get a sight of me! And I wonder too what it is the ladies can see in them to be so fond of them - unless it be a touch of the old serpent in 'em, that makes the little creatures be caught, like vipers, with a bit of red cloth.