The Rivals, Richard Brinsley Sheridan [books recommended by bts .txt] 📗

seen in the streets of Bath would raise as great an alarm as a mad dog. - How provoking this is in Faulkland! - never punctual! I shall be obliged to go without him at last. - Oh, the devil! here's Sir Anthony! how shall I escape him? [Muffles up his face, and takes a circle to go off.]

[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.]

Sir ANTHONY How one may be deceived at a little distance! Only that I see he don't know me, I could have sworn that was Jack! - Hey! Gad's life! it is. - Why, Jack, what are you afraid of? hey! - sure I'm right. Why Jack, Jack Absolute! [Goes up to him.]

ABSOLUTE Really, sir, you have the advantage of me: - I don't remember ever to have had the honour - my name is Saunderson, at your service.

Sir ANTHONY Sir, I beg your pardon - I took you - hey? - why, zounds! it is - Stay - [Looks up to his face.] So, so - your humble servant, Mr. Saunderson! Why, you scoundrel, what tricks are you after now?

ABSOLUTE Oh, a joke, sir, a joke! I came here on purpose to look for you, sir.

Sir ANTHONY You did! well, I am glad you were so lucky: - but what are you muffled up so for? - what's this for? - hey!

ABSOLUTE 'Tis cool, sir, isn't it? - rather chilly somehow: - but I shall be late - I have a particular engagement.

Sir ANTHONY Stay! - Why, I thought you were looking for me? - Pray, Jack, where is't you are going?

ABSOLUTE Going, sir?

Sir ANTHONY Ay, where are you going?

ABSOLUTE Where am I going?

Sir ANTHONY You unmannerly puppy!

ABSOLUTE I was going, sir, to - to - to - to Lydia - sir, to Lydia - to make matters up if I could; - and I was looking for you, sir, to - to - -

Sir ANTHONY To go with you, I suppose. - Well, come along.

ABSOLUTE Oh! zounds! no, sir, not for the world! - I wished to meet with you, sir, - to - to - to - You find it cool, I'm sure, sir - you'd better not stay out.

Sir ANTHONY Cool! - not at all. - Well, Jack - and what will you say to Lydia?

ABSOLUTE Oh, sir, beg her pardon, humour her - promise and vow: but I detain you, sir - consider the cold air on your gout.

Sir ANTHONY Oh, not at all! - Not at all! I'm in no hurry. - Ah! Jack, you youngsters, when once you are wounded here [Putting his hand to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE's breast.] Hey! what the deuce have you got here?

ABSOLUTE Nothing, sir - nothing.

Sir ANTHONY What's this? - here's something damned hard.

ABSOLUTE Oh, trinkets, sir! trinkets! - a bauble for Lydia!

Sir ANTHONY Nay, let me see your taste. - [Pulls his coat open, the sword falls.] Trinkets! - a bauble for Lydia! - Zounds! sirrah, you are not going to cut her throat, are you?

ABSOLUTE Ha! ha! ha! - I thought it would divert you, sir, though I didn't mean to tell you till afterwards.

Sir ANTHONY You didn't? - Yes, this is a very diverting trinket, truly!

ABSOLUTE Sir, I'll explain to you. - You know, sir, Lydia is romantic, devilish romantic, and very absurd of course: now, sir, I intend, if she refuses to forgive me, to unsheath this sword, and swear - I'll fall upon its point, and expire at her feet!

Sir ANTHONY Fall upon a fiddlestick's end! - why, I suppose it is the very thing that would please her. - Get along, you fool!

ABSOLUTE Well, sir, you shall hear of my success - you shall hear. - O Lydia! - forgive me, or this pointed steel - says I.

Sir ANTHONY
O, booby! stay away and welcome - says she. - Get along! and damn your trinkets!

[Exit CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

[Enter DAVID, running.]

DAVID Stop him! stop him! Murder! Thief! Fire! - Stop fire! Stop fire! - O Sir Anthony - call! call! bid 'm stop! Murder! Fire!

Sir ANTHONY Fire! Murder! - Where?

DAVID Oons! he's out of sight! and I'm out of breath! for my part! O Sir Anthony, why didn't you stop him? why didn't you stop him?

Sir ANTHONY Zounds! the fellow's mad! - Stop whom? stop Jack?

DAVID Ay, the captain, sir! - there's murder and slaughter - -

Sir ANTHONY Murder!

DAVID Ay, please you, Sir Anthony, there's all kinds of murder, all sorts of slaughter to be seen in the fields: there's fighting going on, sir - bloody sword-and-gun fighting!

Sir ANTHONY Who are going to fight, dunce?

DAVID Every body that I know of, Sir Anthony: - everybody is going to fight, my poor master, Sir Lucius O'Trigger, your son, the captain - -

Sir ANTHONY Oh, the dog! I see his tricks. - Do you know the place?

DAVID King's-Mead-Fields.

Sir ANTHONY You know the way?

DAVID Not an inch; but I'll call the mayor - aldermen - constables - churchwardens - and beadles - we can't be too many to part them.

Sir ANTHONY Come along - give me your shoulder! we'll get assistance as we go - the lying villain! - Well, I shall be in such a frenzy! - So - this was the history of his trinkets! I'll bauble him!

[Exeunt.]

* * * * * * *


Scene III - King's-Mead-Fields. [Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER and ACRES, with pistols.]

ACRES By my valour! then, Sir Lucius, forty yards is a good distance. Odds levels and aims! - I say it is a good distance.

Sir LUCIUS Is it for muskets or small field-pieces? Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, you must leave those things to me. - Stay now - I'll show you. - [Measures paces along the stage.] There now, that is a very pretty distance - a pretty gentleman's distance.

ACRES Zounds! we might as well fight in a sentry-box! I tell you, Sir Lucius, the farther he is off, the cooler I shall take my aim.

Sir LUCIUS Faith! then I suppose you would aim at him best of all if he was out of sight!

ACRES No, Sir Lucius; but I should think forty or eight-and-thirty yards - -

Sir LUCIUS Pho! pho! nonsense! three or four feet between the mouths of your pistols is as good as a mile.

ACRES Odds bullets, no! - by my valour! there is no merit in killing him so near; do, my dear Sir Lucius, let me bring him down at a long shot: - a long shot, Sir Lucius, if you love me!

Sir LUCIUS Well, the gentleman's friend and I must settle that. - But tell me now, Mr. Acres, in case of an accident, is there any little will or commission I could execute for you?

ACRES I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius - but I don't understand - -

Sir LUCIUS Why, you may think there's no being shot at without a little risk - and if an unlucky bullet should carry a quietus with it - I say it will be no time then to be bothering you about family matters.

ACRES A quietus!

Sir LUCIUS For instance, now - if that should be the case - would you choose to be pickled and sent home? - or would it be the same to you to lie here in the Abbey? I'm told there is very snug lying in the Abbey.

ACRES Pickled! - Snug lying in the Abbey! - Odds tremors! Sir Lucius, don't talk so!

Sir LUCIUS I suppose, Mr. Acres, you never were engaged in an affair of this kind before?

ACRES No, Sir Lucius, never before.

Sir LUCIUS Ah! that's a pity! - there's nothing like being used to a thing. - Pray now, how would you receive the gentleman's shot?

ACRES Odds files! - I've practised that - there, Sir Lucius - there. [Puts himself in an attitude.] A side-front, hey? Odd! I'll make myself small enough: I'll stand edgeways.

Sir LUCIUS Now - you're quite out - for if you stand so when I take my aim - - [Levelling at him.]

ACRES Zounds! Sir Lucius - are you sure it is not cocked?

Sir LUCIUS Never fear.

ACRES But - but - you don't know - it may go off of its own head!

Sir LUCIUS Pho! be easy. - Well, now if I hit you in the body, my bullet has a double chance - for if it misses a vital part of your right side, 'twill be very hard if it don't succeed on the left!

ACRES A vital part!

Sir LUCIUS But, there - fix yourself so - [Placing him] - let him see the broad-side of your full front - there - now a ball or two may pass clean through your body, and never do any harm at all.

ACRES Clean through me! - a ball or two clean through me!

Sir LUCIUS Ay - may they - and it is much the genteelest attitude into the bargain.

ACRES Look'ee! Sir Lucius - I'd just as lieve be shot in an awkward posture as a genteel one; so, by my valour! I will stand edgeways.

Sir LUCIUS [Looking at his watch.] Sure they don't mean to disappoint us - Hah! - no, faith - I think I see them coming.

ACRES Hey! - what! - coming! - -

Sir LUCIUS Ay. - Who are those yonder getting over the stile?

ACRES There are two of them indeed! - well - let them come - hey, Sir Lucius! - we - we - we - we - won't run.

Sir LUCIUS Run!

ACRES No - I say - we won't run, by my valour!

Sir LUCIUS What the devil's the matter with you?

ACRES Nothing - nothing - my dear friend - my dear Sir Lucius - but I - I - I don't feel quite so bold, somehow, as I did.

Sir LUCIUS O fy! - consider your honour.

ACRES Ay - true - my honour. Do, Sir Lucius, edge in a word or two every now and then about my honour.

Sir LUCIUS [Looking.] Well, here they're coming.

ACRES Sir Lucius - if I wa'n't with you, I should almost think I was afraid. - If my valour should leave me! - Valour will come and go.

Sir LUCIUS Then pray keep it fast, while you have it.

ACRES Sir Lucius - I doubt it is going - yes - my valour is certainly going! - it is sneaking off! - I feel it oozing out as it were at the palms of my hands!

Sir LUCIUS Your honour - your honour. - Here they are.

ACRES O mercy! - now - that I was safe at Clod-Hall! or could be shot before I was aware!

[Enter FAULKLAND and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

Sir LUCIUS Gentlemen, your most obedient. - Hah! - what, Captain Absolute! - So, I suppose, sir, you are come here, just like myself - to do a kind office, first for your friend - then to proceed to business on your own account.

ACRES What,