An Ideal Husband, Oscar Wilde [free ebook reader TXT] 📗

want to meet my father three days

running. It is a great deal too much excitement for any son. I hope

to goodness he won’t come up. Fathers should be neither seen nor

heard. That is the only proper basin for family life. Mothers are

different. Mothers are darlings. [Throws himself down into a chair,

picks up a paper and begins to read it.]

 

[Enter LORD CAVERSHAM.]

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. Well, sir, what are you doing here? Wasting your

time as usual, I suppose?

 

LORD GORING. [Throws down paper and rises.] My dear father, when

one pays a visit it is for the purpose of wasting other people’s

time, not one’s own.

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. Have you been thinking over what I spoke to you

about last night?

 

LORD GORING. I have been thinking about nothing else.

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. Engaged to be married yet?

 

LORD GORING. [Genially.] Not yet: but I hope to be before lunch-time.

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. [Caustically.] You can have till dinner-time if it

would be of any convenience to you.

 

LORD GORING. Thanks awfully, but I think I’d sooner be engaged

before lunch.

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. Humph! Never know when you are serious or not.

 

LORD GORING. Neither do I, father.

 

[A pause.]

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. I suppose you have read THE TIMES this morning?

 

LORD GORING. [Airily.] THE TIMES? Certainly not. I only read THE

MORNING POST. All that one should know about modern life is where

the Duchesses are; anything else is quite demoralising.

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. Do you mean to say you have not read THE TIMES

leading article on Robert Chiltern’s career?

 

LORD GORING. Good heavens! No. What does it say?

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. What should it say, sir? Everything complimentary,

of course. Chiltern’s speech last night on this Argentine Canal

scheme was one of the finest pieces of oratory ever delivered in the

House since Canning.

 

LORD GORING. Ah! Never heard of Canning. Never wanted to. And did

… did Chiltern uphold the scheme?

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. Uphold it, sir? How little you know him! Why, he

denounced it roundly, and the whole system of modern political

finance. This speech is the turning-point in his career, as THE

TIMES points out. You should read this article, sir. [Opens THE

TIMES.] ‘Sir Robert Chiltern … most rising of our young

statesmen … Brilliant orator … Unblemished career … Well-known integrity of character … Represents what is best in English

public life … Noble contrast to the lax morality so common among

foreign politicians.’ They will never say that of you, sir.

 

LORD GORING. I sincerely hope not, father. However, I am delighted

at what you tell me about Robert, thoroughly delighted. It shows he

has got pluck.

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. He has got more than pluck, sir, he has got genius.

 

LORD GORING. Ah! I prefer pluck. It is not so common, nowadays, as

genius is.

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. I wish you would go into Parliament.

 

LORD GORING. My dear father, only people who look dull ever get into

the House of Commons, and only people who are dull ever succeed

there.

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. Why don’t you try to do something useful in life?

 

LORD GORING. I am far too young.

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. [Testily.] I hate this affectation of youth, sir.

It is a great deal too prevalent nowadays.

 

LORD GORING. Youth isn’t an affectation. Youth is an art.

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. Why don’t you propose to that pretty Miss Chiltern?

 

LORD GORING. I am of a very nervous disposition, especially in the

morning.

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. I don’t suppose there is the smallest chance of her

accepting you.

 

LORD GORING. I don’t know how the betting stands to-day.

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. If she did accept you she would be the prettiest

fool in England.

 

LORD GORING. That is just what I should like to marry. A thoroughly

sensible wife would reduce me to a condition of absolute idiocy in

less than six months.

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. You don’t deserve her, sir.

 

LORD GORING. My dear father, if we men married the women we

deserved, we should have a very bad time of it.

 

[Enter MABEL CHILTERN.]

 

MABEL CHILTERN. Oh! … How do you do, Lord Caversham? I hope

Lady Caversham is quite well?

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. Lady Caversham is as usual, as usual.

 

LORD GORING. Good morning, Miss Mabel!

 

MABEL CHILTERN. [Taking no notice at all of LORD GORING, and

addressing herself exclusively to LORD CAVERSHAM.] And Lady

Caversham’s bonnets … are they at all better?

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. They have had a serious relapse, I am sorry to say.

 

LORD GORING. Good morning, Miss Mabel!

 

MABEL CHILTERN. [To LORD CAVERSHAM.] I hope an operation will not

be necessary.

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. [Smiling at her pertness.] If it is, we shall have

to give Lady Caversham a narcotic. Otherwise she would never consent

to have a feather touched.

 

LORD GORING. [With increased emphasis.] Good morning, Miss Mabel!

 

MABEL CHILTERN. [Turning round with feigned surprise.] Oh, are you

here? Of course you understand that after your breaking your

appointment I am never going to speak to you again.

 

LORD GORING. Oh, please don’t say such a thing. You are the one

person in London I really like to have to listen to me.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. Lord Goring, I never believe a single word that

either you or I say to each other.

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. You are quite right, my dear, quite right … as

far as he is concerned, I mean.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. Do you think you could possibly make your son behave

a little better occasionally? Just as a change.

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. I regret to say, Miss Chiltern, that I have no

influence at all over my son. I wish I had. If I had, I know what I

would make him do.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. I am afraid that he has one of those terribly weak

natures that are not susceptible to influence.

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. He is very heartless, very heartless.

 

LORD GORING. It seems to me that I am a little in the way here.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. It is very good for you to be in the way, and to

know what people say of you behind your back.

 

LORD GORING. I don’t at all like knowing what people say of me

behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. After that, my dear, I really must bid you good

morning.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. Oh! I hope you are not going to leave me all alone

with Lord Goring? Especially at such an early hour in the day.

 

LORD CAVERSHAM. I am afraid I can’t take him with me to Downing

Street. It is not the Prime Minster’s day for seeing the unemployed.

 

[Shakes hands with MABEL CHILTERN, takes up his hat and stick, and

goes out, with a parting glare of indignation at LORD GORING.]

 

MABEL CHILTERN. [Takes up roses and begins to arrange them in a bowl

on the table.] People who don’t keep their appointments in the Park

are horrid.

 

LORD GORING. Detestable.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. I am glad you admit it. But I wish you wouldn’t

look so pleased about it.

 

LORD GORING. I can’t help it. I always look pleased when I am with

you.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. [Sadly.] Then I suppose it is my duty to remain

with you?

 

LORD GORING. Of course it is.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. Well, my duty is a thing I never do, on principle.

It always depresses me. So I am afraid I must leave you.

 

LORD GORING. Please don’t, Miss Mabel. I have something very

particular to say to you.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. [Rapturously.] Oh! is it a proposal?

 

LORD GORING. [Somewhat taken aback.] Well, yes, it is - I am bound

to say it is.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. [With a sigh of pleasure.] I am so glad. That

makes the second to-day.

 

LORD GORING. [Indignantly.] The second to-day? What conceited ass

has been impertinent enough to dare to propose to you before I had

proposed to you?

 

MABEL CHILTERN. Tommy Trafford, of course. It is one of Tommy’s

days for proposing. He always proposes on Tuesdays and Thursdays,

during the Season.

 

LORD GORING. You didn’t accept him, I hope?

 

MABEL CHILTERN. I make it a rule never to accept Tommy. That is why

he goes on proposing. Of course, as you didn’t turn up this morning,

I very nearly said yes. It would have been an excellent lesson both

for him and for you if I had. It would have taught you both better

manners.

 

LORD GORING. Oh! bother Tommy Trafford. Tommy is a silly little

ass. I love you.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. I know. And I think you might have mentioned it

before. I am sure I have given you heaps of opportunities.

 

LORD GORING. Mabel, do be serious. Please be serious.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. Ah! that is the sort of thing a man always says to a

girl before he has been married to her. He never says it afterwards.

 

LORD GORING. [Taking hold of her hand.] Mabel, I have told you that

I love you. Can’t you love me a little in return?

 

MABEL CHILTERN. You silly Arthur! If you knew anything about …

anything, which you don’t, you would know that I adore you. Every

one in London knows it except you. It is a public scandal the way I

adore you. I have been going about for the last six months telling

the whole of society that I adore you. I wonder you consent to have

anything to say to me. I have no character left at all. At least, I

feel so happy that I am quite sure I have no character left at all.

 

LORD GORING. [Catches her in his arms and kisses her. Then there is

a pause of bliss.] Dear! Do you know I was awfully afraid of being

refused!

 

MABEL CHILTERN. [Looking up at him.] But you never have been

refused yet by anybody, have you, Arthur? I can’t imagine any one

refusing you.

 

LORD GORING. [After kissing her again.] Of course I’m not nearly

good enough for you, Mabel.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. [Nestling close to him.] I am so glad, darling. I

was afraid you were.

 

LORD GORING. [After some hesitation.] And I’m … I’m a little

over thirty.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. Dear, you look weeks younger than that.

 

LORD GORING. [Enthusiastically.] How sweet of you to say so! …

And it is only fair to tell you frankly that I am fearfully

extravagant.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. But so am I, Arthur. So we’re sure to agree. And

now I must go and see Gertrude.

 

LORD GORING. Must you really? [Kisses her.]

 

MABEL CHILTERN. Yes.

 

LORD GORING. Then do tell her I want to talk to her particularly. I

have been waiting here all the morning to see either her or Robert.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. Do you mean to say you didn’t come here expressly to

propose to me?

 

LORD GORING. [Triumphantly.] No; that was a flash of genius.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. Your first.

 

LORD GORING. [With determination.] My last.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. I am delighted to hear it. Now don’t stir. I’ll be

back in five minutes. And don’t fall into any temptations while I am

away.

 

LORD GORING. Dear Mabel, while you are away, there are none. It

makes me horribly dependent on you.

 

[Enter LADY CHILTERN.]

 

LADY CHILTERN. Good morning, dear! How pretty you are looking!

 

MABEL CHILTERN. How pale you are looking, Gertrude! It is most

becoming!