Finding Your Self, Kerri Morgan [reading diary TXT] 📗

to sit tin the hospital with these women getting abortions and crying . It was the longest procedure in my life. I was so embarrassed and hurt , I cried the whole time ! Another depression hit ! I was getting hit with depression after depression  ! Like why me ! I Became violent , sad, i wore a poker face ! I was legit hiding everything with liquor ! People always ask me , do you ever think of sucide ?  I never thought about suicide though , I always thought leaving will cause my mom so much hurt , i couldnt do that to my baby ! Cope

How do you cope ? How do you learn how to cope ? I had to learn . I didn’t know how to , my only coping was drinking  and partying . It was hard . So as y’all know in chapter one I didn’t have that much help, well I didn’t ask for the help. What’s funny is when I did talk about it and told some one in confidence, they joked about it and told multiple people as if that wasn’t something that was a sensitive topic . People will reach out for help and then shit like this happens and then some people wonder why some us don’t like to fuck with people .  I didn’t know back then how to released stress in a postive way . I could of did yoga , I could of took walks I could of asked for help a long time ago . Hold on I have one more thing to say about some of you ! Nah for real ! When people hear you when you ask for help people think your over exaggerating, people will never put the energy they have to judge you into helping you . Somebody always have something to say about nothing ! Like is this your life ? Is this your truth ? If you can’t help or try to admit to help then shut your ass up negative Nancy’s ! This might hit home ! You know ? There’s a lot of guilt out there ! But I’ll take full responsibility of my actions because admitting so the first step !

 

What are some different ways you cope ? How do you get over hardship , heart break , stress etc ?

 

To be honest we only know to cope negatively, such as drinking , smoking , doing drugs , having sex , cutting , running away from the truth  etc . Putting that energy and that work in to actually turn how to turn the negatives into positives actually motivated me , I was like yes I figured it out . Not only was I was running away from my problems , but who wants to face them when majority of the time I was wrong. I was a lost girl ! I just wanted to do something different, just like anybody that was making wrong decisions I was trying to make sense in what I was doing . But what can I do ? I knew it was something that had to be done . I saw that my decisions and my coping skills were pushing the closes people in my life away. I had to figure it out jus like anybody would . It comes a time in your life when you need to sit  down and evaluate yourself , like GET IT TOGETHER !

 

Let me tell y’all what made me want to change .  I was an emotional drunk , every time I thought about something or got upset etc I would be by a drunk . Fast forwarding I was graduating with my associates , I went out the night before and got so drunk I passed out in my grandmothers house . There was no reason to get drunk like a skunk but my excuses was I got so drunk because my father couldn’t make my graduation and I was mad about life I was a angry bird . Think about it , your going through so much and your life is falling to shits because your not doing anything that you’re suppose to be doing and getting a degree was the only thing to show for at the time . Plus I always kept a job because I needed to support my habit ! It was let down after let down , when was I going to get a break ? , it just so hard to not have him there when I accomplished something and I was legit fighting war with myself . The war wasn’t over yet , I was just getting started in the battlefield ! I was just so mad ! My mother was trying to wake me up but I was so out of it and then when she finally woke me up I was mad, violent, cranky so much emotions bottled up  and just mad at the world . We exchanged some nasty words , like nasty YALL ! It was bad and most of all embarrassing . I was yelling like I hate y’all ! I hate all of y’all ! Like beside getting on my nerves what were they actually doing that was so terrible that I reacted this way towards my little family . At the time I wasn’t paying any bills but cable , and my expenses was low.  I was so mad ! When I look back, I always question if I could of handled my emotions a different way . Like what was I actually mad for ? What made me get so drunk that my actions weren’t great at all ? When you think about it liquor only last for a minute , so what’s the point of drowning in it ? Being drunk can’t solve your problems and not facing them can’t help you neither . To sum it up , I didn’t make my graduation, I cried the whole day , I trashed my room and my relationship with my mom took a major turn .

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Publication Date: 02-16-2022

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Dedication:
I’m dedicating this book to whoever is fighting a battle