Finding Your Self, Kerri Morgan [reading diary TXT] 📗

 People have different names for me , some call me Frecks ,Freckles ,girl with the fro ,the girl who dances all over , the wild girl or my name Kerri. Everybody has their own store of  how they interact with me. Leet me tell you something , i never gave a fuck . Everybody has something to say about somebody. But fast forwarding , I'm here to tell y'all about my life . Let me tell y'all how this monster got created. It's a long story , are you ready ? Well sit your ass down, grab some wine and read my story .

I was born in the Bronx , at jacobi hospital . I lived in the Bronx my whole life. I'm a Bronx bitch by any means. I was brought into this world by these two individuals (i wont say my mothers name , or my fathers name). But my mother raised me by herself , my father was in and out of jail my whole life. I legit have the rockiest relationship with my father . Sad, everyone needs a dad in their life ! I won't get into that because there are a lot of factors that play into that. I just wish my father was man enough to admit his wrongs and continue to build a relationship with his child . But blah !  My mother then had to work , like every damn day  , so my grandmother started to watch my sister and I. Living with my grandmother was hard as well , sometimes she was so mean to us , but I can understand her frustrations , watching two kids who aren't hers . But I never understood some of the things she would say ! Now for granted everyone has the right to say what they want but kids shouldn't have to hear some things. That took a toll on me and my sister as well , we felt nobody ever wanted us . It was extremely difficult to handle my mother not being there because she had no help with us. Shit sad! sidebar - I never want to have a child with someone who can't be a father regardless of our situation . Like grow the fuck up bro! Anyways!! My mother was taking care of us BY HER LONELY , my grandma looked out when she could and that was a plus. My mother wasn't around as much but she kept a roof under our heads and kept us in the flyest shit! And that's one period! I used to cry so much because I just wanted her there and i didnt understand .  But no shade my mother handled us the best way she could . If it wasn't for her I don't think we would've understood the hustle. Back to my childhood, I grew up skinny as twigs , boobs like monkey tits , and wanted to have a fat ass and a banging ass body so bad ! I would pray to have a fire ass body like my cousin ( i'll keep her name private but she knows lol).Now being a twig didn't stop anyone from touching me, I guess it didnt matter to these sickos . Growing up was hard, like extremely hard! I had some family members that would beat on me and touch me . Not me being only molested by men but I was molested by a female as well ! Like everyone knew what they were doing, they knew i wouldn't say anything because my mother was at work most of the time and my grandmother was just grandma , she couldn't see anyone do any harm to anyone. I used to despise my mother and grandmother because I thought they knew .But they didn't! I didn't tell my mother I was molested till I was like 22 , a shame right ?  I didn't understand that until I got older, that its not their fault , talk about it. As time went by I just put that to the back of my head reason being because it wqas happening to so many girls around my age , I thought it was okay , it's hard to talk about !

I lost my virginty when i was 14 ( fast as fuck) , funny thing is I didnt even bleed , hey that was his problem !But thats when the hoe shaming started ! I used to think it was me but hey if god didn't bless you with a big one then he didn't . Moving along ! I went to highschool , went to bumass jane adams , it was terrible, got robbed , my second time ever getting robbed in the bronx and my mother sent me to frederick douglass academy II. I then started my basketball career there  , I was really to myself in highschool , didn't talk to many people . I tried my best to stay out of drama, because back then everyone was jumping people espeically in harlem . I started dating someone younger then me, (I dont know why i did that ) , he was immature as fuck , abusive and so angry. That relationship was so toxic , one of my toxic relationships.. keep reading theirs more to come ! I remember he bust my lip in front of his mother , you know she did ? NOTHING !  typical , what a damn shame! He also choked me in school ,it was a mess yall , run from abusive men. I then opened up to my mother and told her about everything I was going through and I got a restraining order on him in school . Ain't that some shit ! im 17 dealing with the drama , like how !! So I was walking to the train one day and almost fainted , but it didn't bother me too bad ! I then got home and fell to the floor in the kitchen ,my grandmother panicked , and we went to the ER . I was diagnosed with PID( pelvic inflammatory disease) it was so bad that i had to get liek 2 -3 bags of antibodics , and I also had a kidney infection. They told my family I would never be able to have kids. My grandma was crying , my uncle was crying , everyone was crying . I just didn't understand . I just held it in and was like whatever , this happens to everyone.I finally moved on from him and he didn't . Yall 10 years later he still contacts me . But I changed my number so thank god ! I know for sure my coochie is not that good ! Fast forwarding, I went to college one of the worst years of my life . I was dealing with the dumbest of the dumbest ! Yall i was dealing with someone and he was fucking everybody ! child !! I thought he was for me !! Moving along , college was a disater, i tore my acl and my career was over , all because I had sex with the starting shooting guard crush ! Crush yall !! She pushed me when i went up for a lay up and I fell on my knee , that was that ! tried to tell the coach , but that school was racist ! Another person who thought I was crying wolf.  When I was in school the worst thing happened to me, I lost my best friend , more like a sister! Let me tell you why it hurts so much , because we spent so much time not talking and hating each other and the whole time she was sick ! Sick as fuck yall and we was being petty ! I knew she was sick because when I seen her she was gray and fragile.It broke my heart because i hugged her and was like fuck what we was going through ,shes going through enough and i wasnt there for her . I didnt know that would be the last time I would be hugging her . It was my last time hugging her at her aunt's party . You know what hunts me the most is that I could of fixed the relationship but I was so stubborn. Shit still haunts me to this day ! Please fix yall relationships if it's fixable ! My life took a turn yall ! I started going out all the time , drinking more, sleeping around , not eating or sleeping . I was a mess ! I then got raped in a hotel and was lefted for dead legit . I took myself to the ER , I legit didnt want to do a police report because it was pointless , I did this to myself ! Like who drinks to the point they pass out . I was having sex with people and blacking out because thats how I was coping with my depression ! I was letting anybody have sex with me, whats disgusting was I was having sex for no reason. some people do it for money , enjoyment , not me , it was just something to do . Stupid as fuck , it was really bad for me ! But the shocking thing was being taken advantage of everytime ! And nobody was helping , not a soul ! I had friends that loved my toxic behavior , nobody pulled me aside to ask me if I needed help or wanted to talk ! When I tell you nobody helped me , I always look back like yall bitches are wild ! I don't tolerate anybody being drunk in front of me to the point they can be taken advantage of anymore because I know how that feels . I started getting into these pointless relationships with men who would buy me what I want, wine and dine me and  then turn around and treat me like shit. I also got pregnant by someone who forced himself on me again, it was just happening to me because I allowed it ! I just didn't understand , like why is this happening to me , I thought this is what's supposed to happen ! This is what life is ! At this time I had nobody , nobody to talk to , nobody to cry to. My sister was young , my friends didn't care , and my best friend was dead, who was I supposed to turn to ?  I was legit pregnant 6 times ! I have a beautiful baby boy now thank god, I'm so thankful I was able to conceive this baby , he is so handsome and smart  ! But I kept getting pregnant by these lame ass men that wanted to nut inside but not take care of their responsibilities, and then wanted nothing to do with me ! That then took a toll on me , my whole body and mind ! Like who tf keeps getting pregnant to be disrespected ! ME ! I was so dumb and wanted love , i wanted someone to love me so bad . I wanted a man in my life because I never really had one in my life ! So then I sat and was like this is the last time , I would never let anyone make me put my body is harms way again. After the last time I was dealing with someone who played with my unborn , I got an abortion when I was damn near 4-5 months ! I had to take 6 pills then I had a procedure , then here's the icing on the cake. I damn near passed out because my pressure was low ! Who the fuck wants