Thoughts about Her, Drake Spire [i read book TXT] 📗

from me, is maybe because I want to hurt myself. That if she lived in another state, I'd be crazy for her. And in a different country, insane - on a completely 'nother level.

I have no idea. But I'm pretty close to being certain, this isn't real love. So what is this then? Is this an obsession? Insanity? A coping method?

I know there's girls out there, in my school, in my neighborhood, I could meet. And within a few days, I could become a complete monster, and disrupt their virility.

So, I know that this 'love' for this girl, isn't for sexual reasons or testerone driven.

Then what the fuck is it?

Puppy love? They used that in the notebook, but in the end, they found each other and had puppy sex a fe times in the refurbished house his family owned. Yeah, call me a girl, I read the notebook, and I liked it.

But the past few days, I've been thinking to myself. I'll ask her.

I'll ask her if she enjoys talking to me, and I'll explain to her, that I feel like I'm taking her precious time away. Because I truly believe that I'm so pathetic, I don't DESERVE her time. I don't deserve anything in this world. And I'll tell her, that I'd be willing to leave her alone for awhile. I'll delete her number if she doesn't want to talk to me, I realize now it seems harsh. But I'll find a way to make it softer, and easier for her to make a decision without any pressure. I've been wanting to find a reason to let her go, if it's not love. Then there is no reason to keep her.

If there is no enjoyment of her talking to me, than what's the point? I only wanted to talk to her in the end. Because of the first moment I've talked to her, she was so different in so many ways, I'm sure I'll explain in another chapter. But I don't want it to be one-sided. But now, I'm forced to remember how we met. Face to face, it was dark, so I barely remembered what she looked like. I only know now, because of the pictures she has on Facebook and Snapchat. Two things I barely use, and frankly, I only use it to see how she's doing.

 

Why are you still reading this

 I haven't really logged in this book for awhile. Because I honestly thought I moved on. I mean, I have. Mostly.

I do have an interest in another. 

And I doubt it has any relevance to anyone reading this, but you are reading this, so I suppose there is.

This girl I've been talking about, the boyfriend she had before, she has now started another relationship with him. I don't care. I really don't. She's not the person I thought of before. She's different for sure. But a lot of girls are. 

Anyways, I wanted to say I'm doing better. I have been drinking a little. But that's to be expected. My parents left the alcohol un-attended. (They didn't drink it first). 

Anyways, I thought I should tell you who I am, since... idk, no one reads this.

I was born in the year 1999 so I am currently 16. I try to play competitive games like smash, pokemon, and league. I probably have a better chance at smash than anything else. I live in a good state for it atleast, a lot of good players. I run my own club at my school. Called G****** Gaming Club. Or GG (You get it?). I founded it with a friend. And I am actually typing this, as I skipped school and they took pictures for clubs today. And I missed my own club's pictures. Because I couldn't sleep. Because I couldnt breathe. I have very sensitvie membranes in my nose. School for me now, is irrelevent. For the reason that I dont plan on going to university. I want to be an eod tech in the navy. With my ASVAB scores, it is very much possible for me. So school, is kinda worthless for me. In the navy, tuition will be reduced for college. So I will go off that. I wil be set till around 30 ish. Anyways...

I have a new problem. Well we all do. So I suppose it isnt that surprising. It's extremely hard for me to talk to people of interest. Idk why, but I can't walk to someone and say hi.

(I use person of interest instead of actual gender identifiers because I am pan-sexual. Which is arguably bi. But... eh, kind of)  Anyways, I'm almost certain she atleast has a shimmer of interest in me, because I can catch her glances in class. Either I catch her looking at me, she looks away. But when I look at her at the same time, we have this kind of moment, that lasts around a minute. Just eye contact. It happens a couple of times. But Whenever I am close to her, I can't say hi. 

I have so much low self-esteem. That I just can't allow myself fall into the path of dating someone. I feel as if I bring them down...

Dumb, I know. But it's hard to get passed it.

I will talk to her tomorrow if shes there. I hope I can gather the courage to do that.

The biggest PROBLEM.

 Lately I've been stuck in this realization. A kind of an ongoing trance, if you would. It's that I know that there are girls out there that I wouldn't mind dating, and they wouldn't mind me dating, vice versa. But in the end. It's me. It's always been my fault.

I feel inferior. When will that change?

Anyways, I am super tired right now. But I wil say this, I could be with the person I like, if only I stopped feeling like I'm a worthless piece of shit.

But, I've barely thought of myself differently.

It's hard to keep myself at a high self esteem.

Months Later

 For those who might read this... who I doubt, might be upset that I never finished. But I don't suppose I will finish. It's mostly just ramblings about me being sad.

My inner-loneliness being typed onto a blank space.

I used to push the notion that humans need other humans, for we are. by nature, social beings. I always thought that i can live alone. With my own thoughts and my own opinions, being barely affected by the surrounding world.

Can I though?

I feel sad, and lonely right now.

I don't long for more friends, I don't long for a girlfriend.

I just want to be happy.

My life is filled with stupid mishaps and minor unfortunate circumstances. I know of others who live more painstaking lives, so I really shouldn't be complaining. Yet, I still feel like I need to complain. I need to feel like shit, when ever I encounter a stupid malfunction on my laptop, over and over and over and over and over again.

When you realize, you can be alone, but it's like a psuedo-loneliness. You fill that void by the technology that surronds you.

...

I don't know.

I just want people to see me, how I see myself.

In the end, maybe that's what we all want.

We're all just misunderstood.

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Publication Date: 08-08-2015

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