Thoughts about Her, Drake Spire [i read book TXT] 📗

Random Notes

I'll claim I'm not crazy. However, any and probably every test could prove me incorrectly. As the book is titled, Thoughts about Her, and I know that's a little vague, for any adventurer out to read the cheesiest online story, you may have found it.

Now these aren't fictional, and probably aren't even gonna be stories. Again, these are thoughts that I frequently visit... about that certain someone.

As a teenager, at the time of this writing, I'm not qualified to explain to you what love is. For I'm not sure if I have felt it, nor the confidence to say, that my mind has the capacity to grasp it.

I will probably note, that this girl, that I think about, is not love, is not meant to be, and is a lost cause. If you wish that in the end, there will be a happy ending.

I

Can

Assure

You,

 

There will not be one.

 

 

Sad Endings

I like to believe stories end, when the characters can no longer do anything to continue the plot. If this was the case in my life, I should have known the story of this girl, and the continuation of the possibility of me ending with her, was finished the second I met her.

No, I do not hesitate to say this, but I do not believe in love at first sight. When I first saw her, the only thoughts rendered were not of love, but of normalcy. Not a sense of sensuality or passion. It was when I talked to her, when we first shared the words to start a bridge between, this beautiful girl, and this broken boy - did I then realize, she was different.

I'm aware that every human being shares different traits. To explain, she was different than any assumption towards girls that I would ever meet. I have met, very extraordinary girls not to fib. There is one, I don't frequent speak to, however one of my closest friends. Just recently deactivated her account on this website, sadly. But I digress.

It is now, that I realize, difficult to put every thought I've ever had of this girl into words.

It actually makes me more depressed when I think about it. I know that I will never end up with her, I know that I can never be with her. Basically, without fancy words or the such, she lives too far. Different zones, different cities, different counties. Both of us not accessible to great forms of transportation. Or great amounts of time to share.

I had a dream about her, that I can remember now. I actually, have had multiple dreams about her, even when I do not think about her when I go to sleep.

This dream, I can't explain in great detail without probably changing how it actually was. As it is - a dream. In it, she was there. Of course, but I remember, that no matter what I did. Even in my dreams. I couldn't get to her. I could barely talk to her. No, not barely, I couldn't even talk to her. I knew that I was running and running for her. Knowing that I will never catch up.

This was a dream. Where there are limitless possibilities. However, even then, there was no possibility of ever being with her. Actually, I remember back in January of this year. I had a row of dreams of her. One each day for three days. (that sentence ended on 420 words, pretty funny.) And with each day, I was reminded of her. If I remember, her birthday is in late January. I had nothing but words for her. A simple happy birthday. For, what else can I give her?

I will simply say now. I wish to be with her. I wish to see her. I wish to talk to her again.

I guess I could call her. But, that seems weird, doesnt it? Maybe tonight, just screw every precaution. I'll put in this, I suppose, love diary? the next day, if I can remember. But i doubt anything will happen. She did say she kinda liked me, but didn't want to go out with me. For reasons, untold now that I think.

In short, she had a bad experience with her first boyfriend.

Oh... there is another story I do want to talk about.

Back in March, I was texting her. She said that her friend wanted her to go out with this boy... I know stupid right? Maybe that's just me. Anyways, she did in the end. And when she told me that she liked him. I dropped everything. It was what, around 1 in the morning?

Back two years ago, I had a drinking problem.

And in that moment, I realized why I had one. I drank to settle my heart. I drank to forget what just happened. I drank to be a puss and try to run away from the truth. I still wish I drank more. I was drunk. It was either that instance or another, to where I was drunkest. Either way, I called a friend when I woke up. In the end, I never really slept. I actually didn't really sleep for the next few months either. We talked, I don't know if I felt better. But It was really close to feeling like shit.

This relationship lasted for about four months if I can remember. I texted her when it ended. I forget what we talked about in the end. She was sad, that's all I could remember. I really couldn't... I hate when she's sad. Okay?

Ugh, I keep reminding myself. There is no hope for the two of us. Even if we did start going out, there would be barely any chance that we would make it. So why why why why why why why am I holding onto the feeling that we could end up together. That I could still try, and we can make it. Anyone, please tell me. Is this human nature? Pm me, or comment. Because I don't know. It's such a stupid feeling.

Finding Hopelessness

 Well I tried to call her. I really did. I asked, if I would be able to call her. She said no, and that she was busy at the moment. Then she asked me, why I would want to call her.

I knew she was probably fishing for an answer. I'm not sure what answer though. But I responded as, because I'm bored and I never had an extended convo with you before.

She responded as oh, and the conversation went down hill from there. What answer was she looking for?

Well, let's go through what I wanted to say.

Because I like talking to you, and even though we don't get to talk in real life, I thought that then we should talk on the phone.

something like that. Makes better sense, right? I know, Im a dumbfuck. Sorry for that language. But I have had a few sips of rum, in which the after taste, tastes like apples. It's really good.

What am I supposed to do now?

For multiple times in my life, I have had this feeling of being unsure.

What do I do?

What do I say?

How do I say it?

How do I feel?

What is going on?

What do I do?

What do I say?

How do I say it?

How do I feel?

What is going on?

What do I do?

What do I say?

How do I say it?

How do I feel?

What is going on?

What do I do?

What do I say?

How do I say it?

How do I feel?

What is going on?

 

 

Why can't I just see her?

 

Staying Up

 I've stayed up all night just thinking about her. Not because I wanted to think about her. It was because I was afraid to dream about her. Each and everydream I've had about her, I've felt the same way after I've woken up from each one. It's like I've said before in these ramblings. I felt as if, obtaining her affections was hopeless. Each and every one, I remember not being able to catch her.

It was like some sick type of torture my head would want to put me through. Every time I woke up, I felt alone, even though there are people filled in my life. I would look at my phone, see her in my contacts, and just look - reflect on why I think about her.

I realize now, that I'm just a romantic. I've been like this forever.

 

But let's face it. Let's be a little more than honest here. For the sake of this book, which is a medium for me to say what I'm thinking. I'm not sure why I'm publishing my thoughts, but I'm not giving my name, or her's, so I believe there's no problem. Anyways, let's be frank - I'm an addict.

I'm addicted to anything that hurts me. I will sooner find the path to hurting than anything else. Who knows why. Maybe I believe it makes me a better man. Where if I can hurt, I can change. A few years ago, I had a drinking problem, perhaps I've mentioned that, but then I moved onto cutting. It was probably the foggiest moment in my life. I smoked weed every so often and I drank whenever I was alone. In honesty, I forget why. Maybe that's why I drank, to forget. In that case, it worked, but it made me worse.

But again, let's be real. I'm only sixteen. I'm hurting for no reason, I'm "loving" for no reason. It's in quotes because the notion, is that I have NO IDEA what love really is. Again, I've been mostly secluded my life.

The reason I 'love' someone that lives another city away