A KNIGHT OF THE NINETEENTH CENTURY, Edward Payson Roe [top young adult novels TXT] 📗
- Author: Edward Payson Roe
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Delicate Ham I Never Tasted."
"Now You Hit Me Twice. I Will Have The Best For Myself, Instead Of
Practicin' Self-Denial And Economy. Then I'M Always Wantin' To Get Some
Second-Hand Victuals To Give Away, But I Daresn'T. You See I Read The
Bible Sometimes, And It'S The Most Awfully Oncomfortable Book That Ever
Was Written. You Know What The Lord Says In it--Or You Ought To--About
What We Do For The Least Of These His Brethren; That Means Such As You,
Only You'Re A Sort Of Black Sheep In the Family; And If Words Have Any
Sense At All, The Lord Takes My Givin' You A Dinner The Same As If I
Gave It To Him. Now S'Pose The Lord Came To My House, As He Did To Mary
And Martha'S, And I Should Git Him Up A Slimpsy Dinner Of Second-Hand
Victuals, And Stand By A-Chucklin' That I Had Saved twenty-Five Cents On
It, Wouldn'T That Be Meanness Itself? Some Time Ago I Had A Ham That I
Couldn'T And Wouldn'T Eat, And They Wouldn'T Take It Back At The Store,
So I Got Some Of The Lord'S Poor Brethren To Come To Dinner, And I
Palmed it Off On Them. But I Had To Cuss Myself The Whole Evenin' To Pay
Up For It! A-A-H!"
"By Jove!" Cried haldane, Dropping His Knife And Fork, And Looking
Admiringly At His Host, Who Stood On The Hearth, Running His Fingers
Through His Shock Of White Hair, His Shriveled and Bristling aspect
Making a Marked contrast With His Sleek And Lazy Cat And Dog--"By Jove,
You Are That I Call A Christian!"
"Now, Look Here, Young Man," Said Mr. Growther, Wrathfully, "Though You
Are Under No Obligations To Me, You'Ve Got No Business Makin' Game Of Me
And Callin' Me Names, And I Won'T Stand It. You'Ve Got To Be Civil And
Speak The Truth While You'Re On My Premises, Whether You Want To Or No."
Haldane Shrugged his Shoulders, Laughed, And Made Haste With His Dinner,
For With Such A Gusty And Variable Host He Might Not Get A Chance To
Finish It. As He Glanced around The Room, However, And Saw How Cosey And
Inviting It Might Be Made By A Little Order And Homelike Arrangement, He
Determined to Fix It Up According To His Own Ideas, If He Could
Accomplish It Without Actually Coming To Blows With The Occupant.
"Who Keeps House For You?" He Asked.
"Didn'T I Tell You Nobody Could Stand Me!"
"Will You Stand Me For About Half An Hour While I Fix Up This Room For
You?"
"No!"
"What Will You Do If I Attempt It?"
"I'Ll Set The Dog On You."
"Nothing Worse?" Asked haldane, With A Laughing Glance At The Lazy Cur.
"You Might Take Something."
An Expression Of Sharp Pain Crossed the Young Man'S Face; The Sunshine
Faded out Of It Utterly, And He Said In a Cold, Constrained voice, As He
Rose From The Table:
"Oh, I Forgot For A Moment That I Am A Thief In the World'S Estimation."
"That Last Remark Of Mine Was About Equal To A Kick, Wasn'T It?"
"A Little Worse."
"Ain'T You Used to 'Em Yet?"
"I Ought To Be."
"Why, Do Many Speak Out As Plain As That?"
"They Act It Out Just As Plainly. Since You Don'T Trust Me, You Had
Better Watch Me, Lest I Put Some Cord-Wood In my Pocket."
"What Do You Want To Do?"
"If The World Is Going To Insist Upon It That I Am A Scoundrel To The
End Of The Chapter, I Want To Find Some Deep Water, And Get Under It,"
Was The Reckless Reply.
"A-A-H! Didn'T I Say We Respectable People And The Devil Was In
Partnership Over You? He Wants To Get You Under Deep Water As Soon As
Possible, And We'Re All A-Helpin' Him Along. Young Man, I _Am_ Afraid Of
You, Like The Rest, And It Seems To Me That I Think More Of My Old Duds
Here Than Of Your Immortal Soul That The Devil Has Almost Got. But I'M
Goin' To Spite Him And Myself For Once. I'M Goin' Down Town After The
Evenin' Paper, And, Instead Of Lockin' Up, As I Usually Do, I Shall
Leave You In charge. I Know It'S Risky, And I Hate To Do It, But It
Seems To Me That You Ought Ter Have Sense Enough To Know That If You
Take All I'Ve Got You Would Be Jest That Much Wuss Off;" And Before
Haldane Could Remonstrate Or Reply He Took A Curiously Twisted and
Gnarled cane That Resembled himself And Departed.
Chapter XXIII (Mr. Growther Becomes Gigantic)
Haldane Was So Surprised at Mr. Growther'S Unexpected course That The
Odd Old Man Was Out Of The Gate Before The Situation Was Fully Realized.
His First Impulse Was To Follow, And Say That He Would Not Be Left Alone
In Circumstances That Might Compromise Him; But A Second Thought Assured
Him That He Was Past Being Compromised. So He Concluded to Fall In with
His Host'S Queer Humor, And Try To Prove Himself Worthy Of Trust. He
Cleared away His Dinner With As Much Deftness As Could Be Expected of
One Engaging In an Unusual Task, And Put Everything In its Place, Or
What Should Be Its Place. He Next Found A Broom, And Commenced sweeping
The Room, Which Unwonted proceeding aroused the Slumbering Cat And Dog,
And They Sat Up And Stared at The Stranger With Unfeigned astonishment.
The Cat Looked on Quietly And Philosophically, Acting On The Generally
Received principle Of The World, Of Not Worrying Until Her Own Interests
Seemed threatened. But The Dog Evidently Thought Of The Welfare Of His
Absent Master, And Had A Vague Troubled sense That Something Was Wrong.
He Waddled up To The Intruder, And Gravely Smelled of Him. By Some
Canine Casuistry He Arrived at The Same Conclusion Which Society Had
Reached--That Haldane Was A Suspicious Character, And Should Be Kept At
Arm'S-Length. Indeed, The Sagacious Beast Seemed to Feel Toward The
Unfortunate Youth Precisely The Same Impulse Which Had Actuated all The
Prudent Citizens In town--A Desire To Be Rid Of Him, And To Have Nothing
To Do With Him. If Haldane Would Only Take Himself Off To Parts Unknown,
To Die In a Gutter, Or To Commit A Burglary, That He Might, As It Were,
Break Into Jail Again, And So Find A Refuge And An Abiding-Place, The
Faithful Dog, Believing His Master'S Interests No Longer Endangered,
Would Have Resumed his Nap With The Same Complacence And Sense Of Relief
Which Scores Of Good People Had Felt As They Saw Mr. Arnot'S Dishonored
Clerk Disappearing From Their Premises, After Their Curt Refusal Of His
Services. The Community'S Thoughts And Wary Eyes Followed him Only
Sufficiently Long To Be Sure That He Committed no Further Depredations,
And Then He Was Forgotten, Or Remembered only As A Danger, Or An
Annoyance, Happily Escaped. What Was To Become Of This Drifting Human
Atom Appeared to Cause No More Solicitude In town Than Mr. Growther'S
Dog Would Feel Should He Succeed in growling The Intruder Out Of The
House; For, Being Somewhat Mystified, And Not Exactly Sure As To His
Master'S Disposition Toward The Stranger, He Concluded to Limit His
Protest To A Union Of His Voice With What Might Be Termed society'S
Surly And Monotonous Command, "Move On."
Haldane Tried to Propitiate This Mild And Miniature Cerberus With A
Dainty Piece Of Ham, But Was Rewarded only By A Disdainful Sniff And
Angrier Snarl. The Politic Cat, However, With Wary Glances At The Dog
And The Stranger, Stole Noiselessly To The Meat, Seized it, And
Retreated quickly To Her Recognized corner Of The Hearth; But When The
Youth, Hoping That The Morsel Might Lead To A Friendly Acquaintance,
Offered a Caress, Her Back And Tail Went Up Instantly, And She Became
The Embodiment Of Repellant Conservatism. He Looked at Her A Moment, And
Then Said, With A Bitter Laugh:
"If You Could Be Transformed into A Woman, As The Old Fairy Tale Goes,
You Would Make An Excellent Wife For Weitzel Shrumpf, While The Snarling
Dog Represents The Respectable Portion Of The Community, That Will Have
Nothing To Do With Me Whatever. When My Pen, However, Has Brought Name
And Fame, The Churlish World Will Be Ready To Fawn, And Forget That It
Tried to Trample Me Into The Mire Of The Street Until I Became A Part Of
It. Curses On The World! I Would Give Half My Life For The Genius Of A
Byron, That I Migt Heap Scorn On Society Until It Writhed under The
Intolerable Burden. Oh That I Had A Wit As Keen And Quick As The
Lightning, So That I Might Transfix And Shrivel Up The Well-Dressed
Monsters That Now Shun Me As If I Had A Contagion!"
From A Heart Overflowing With Bitterness And Impotent Protest Against
The Condition To Which His Own Act Had Reduced him, Haldane Was Learning
To Indulge In such Bitter Soliloquy With Increasing Frequency. It Is
Ever The Tendency Of Those Who Find Themselves At Odds With The World,
And In conflict With The Established order Of Things, To Inveigh With
Communistic Extravagance Against The Conservatism And Wary Prudence
Which They Themselves Would Have Maintained had All Remained well With
Them. The Haldane Who Had Meditated "Gloomy Grandeur" Would Not Have
Looked at The Poor, Besmirched haldane Who Had Just Accepted what The
World Would Regard As Charity. The Only Reason Why The Proud,
Aristocratic Youth Could Tolerate And Make Excuse For The Disreputable
Character Who Was Glad To Eat The Dinner Given By Jeremiah Growther, Was
That This Same Ill-Conditioned fellow Was Himself. Thus Every Bitter
Thing Which He Said Against Society Was Virtually Self-Condemnation. And
Yet His Course Was Most Natural, For Men Almost Invariably Forget That
Their Views Change With Their Fortunes. Thousands Will At Once Form A
Positive Opinion Of A Subject From Its Aspect Seen At Their Standpoint,
Where One Will Walk Around And Scan It On All Sides.
Either To Spite Himself, Or To Show His Confidence In one Whom Others
Regarded as Utterly Unworthy Of Trust, Mr. Growther Remained away
Sufficiently Long For Haldane To Have Made Up A Bundle Of All The
Valuables In the House, And Have Escaped. The Young Man Soon Discovered
That There Were Valuables, But Anything Like Vulgar Theft Never Entered
His Mind. That People Should Believe Him Capable Of Acting The Part Of A
Common Thief Was One Of The Strange Things In his Present Experience
Which He Could Not Understand.
Finally, To The Immense Relief Of The Honest And Conservative Dog, That
Had Growled himself Hoarse, Haldane Gave The Room Its Finishing Touches,
And Betook Himself To The Woodpile Again. The Cat Watched his Departure
With Philosophic Composure. Like Many Fair Ladies, She Had Thought
Chiefly Of Herself During The Interview With The Stranger, From Whom She
Had Managed to Secure A Little Agreeable Attention Without Giving
Anything In return; And, Now That It Was Over, She Complacently Purred
Herself To Sleep, With Nothing To Regret.
"Hullo! You'Re Here Yet, Eh!" Said Mr. Growther, Entering The Gate.
"Can You Name Any Good Reason Why I Should Not Be Here?" Asked haldane,
Somewhat Nettled.
"No, But I Could Plenty Of Bad Reasons."
"Keep Them To Yourself Then," Said The Young Man, Sullenly Resuming His
Work.
"You Talk As If You Was An Honest Man," Growled the Old Gentleman,
Hobbling Into The House.
Sitting Down In his Stout Oak Chair To Rest Himself, He Stared in
Silence For A Time At The Changes That Haldane Had Wrought. At Last He
Commenced:
"Now, Jeremiah Growther, I Hope You Can See That You Are A Perfect Pig!
I Hope You Can See That Dirt And Confusion Are Your Nateral Elements;
And You Had To Live Like A Pig Till A Boy Just Out Of Jail Came To Show
You What It Was To Live Like A Decent Human. But You'Ve Been Showed
Before, And You'Ll Get Things Mixed up To-Morrow. A-A-H!
"Where'S That Young Fellow Goin' To Sleep To-Night? That'S None O' Your
Business. Yes, 'Tis My Business, Too. I'M Always Mighty Careful To Know
Where I'M
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