Voids Fill Up Differently, Students of IACT [great book club books txt] 📗

was too much.

 

"I don’t think you’re treating me like how a friend would.” The expression on Matthew’s face was unreadable, but I could see his jaw clench and unclench as he let out a long breath from his nose. Here we go again.

 

“We’ve been through this before Ethan,” he said through gritted teeth. He was right. We have been through this same fight over and over again. The same words with the same response. “I treat you like this because you’re my friend. I can be like this because I am friends with you. This is what friends do, Ethan,” he sighed.

 

My fingers itched to pull at the skin around my nails. “I just think that maybe the words you use could be a little less harsh,” I mumbled quietly, eyes trained to the ground instead of looking at him. The chatter of the other students hanging around the canteen a low hum in the background.

 

“How am I being harsh?” Matthew scoffed. He moved to sit right in front of me. The sticky tiled floor replaced by dirtied white canvas shoes. “I say the things I say because I want you to be better,” he said softly. His voice changed completely from his earlier statement.

 

Daring a look up at him, his eyes were staring at mine with a look akin to disappointment.

 

“I thought you were my friend E.”

 

“I am but-“

 

“I already get so much shit at home and now you too?”

 

The feeling of guilt washed over me in immense waves. How could I have said such things? I knew Matthew is going through a hard time at home, I shouldn’t be adding on more reasons for him to be upset. Matthew is my friend, he wouldn’t say things that would hurt me. I’m probably being too sensitive. Fear slowly crept through my veins replacing the heavy feeling of guilt weighing down my chest. Is this the end of our friendship? Matthew has been nothing but nice to me since the very first day we met, and here I am being a jerk to the only person who cares about me.

 

Warmth filled my chest as I thought about my first day of school. I had transferred to Sri Berlian from my previous school for what my parents called “convenience’s sake”, but I know they knew about the bullying. Growing up, I never really had a lot of friends. I didn’t like getting my hands dirty while playing outside with the other kids. While other children my age were getting tans and scrapes on their knees, I was getting glasses from reading books in the dark. I never knew much about shows they watched on Disney channel or on Netflix, or played games on my phone. I guess this was what made me an easy target. To them, I was the weird kid, someone on the outside. I did not belong to any friend group.

 

Coming from a government school, bullying was not unusual. When I close my eyes, I can still feel the bruises that bloomed across my skin. I tried my best to hide them using my sister’s concealer that was one shade too dark, but some days I catch the way  ma’s eyes linger on my neck, my arms, and the areas around my eyes.

 

Whenever the senior boys were bored, they would shove me around like some kind of ragdoll. Sometimes my glasses get knocked off and stepped on in the process, but this makes it even funnier to them. I try my best to get my glasses replaced with my own allowance that I saved up as not to worry my parents.

 

 On the last day of school, ma pulled me in for a tight hug. Her thin arms wrapped around me and I pretended I could not feel the warm teardrops on my carefully ironed school uniform nor could I see the redness in her eyes . My heart shattered, knowing she is probably hurting more than I am. All pa gave was a slight nod when I told him I was leaving for school, his mouth set into a grim line. That was the last day I stepped foot into SJK(C) Jalan Tun.

 

I started at my new school immediately the next day. Everything was planned out carefully by my parents. They wanted to make sure the same thing would not happen again. Attending my new school wasn’t any different, people still ignored me, but at least there wasn’t any hitting or stealing of lunch money. Just to be safe, food was already paid for, so at least if my money was stolen I wouldn’t be going for classes on an empty stomach.

 

I spent a week of school alone. I ate lunch alone, went to classes alone, and waited for the school bus alone. I was used to it so it didn’t bother me much. I had my books to keep me company. That was until Matthew came into the picture. It was on a Tuesday morning. I was waiting for the bell that signalled the end of recess to ring when a shadow loomed over me.

 

“You’re the new kid right?” said the shadow.

 

I looked up from the yellowing pages of my book and saw the silhouette of a guy with short hair. He was a bit bigger than the rest of the boys in my year. A senior perhaps?

 

“What are you doing here all by yourself?” the voice asked again.

 

I took a look at the figure in front of me, at a complete loss for words. Nobody ever spoke to me or asked me why I was alone.

 

“Are you talking to me?” I asked, surprise laced in my words.

 

“Of course lah,” the voice said with a laugh. “Who else is here? My name is Matthew, what about you?”

 

“Ethan, Year 7 this year.”

 

“You and I are going to be bros Ethan.”

 

I thought he was kidding, but for the next few days he would appear from out of nowhere to sit with me or talk to me. Like in the library, or in the canteen during break and lunch.

 

“Still got people read books one meh?”

 

“Eh that looks nice what are you eating?”

 

It started off as once or twice over a couple of weeks, then to once or twice  a week, and gradually it became an everyday thing.  Since  we’re in different classes, Matthew would wait for me at the stairs near the  canteen. It felt so foreign to me, having someone to eat lunch with or talk about the latest school gossip.

 

I thought it was a joke, something Matthew was doing for fun because he was bored, but a month passed and he still waited. After two months, if my class ended early I would be the one to wait for him. Ever since, Matthew and I have been practically joined by the hip. You would rarely see me without him by my side and vice versa. Even after all the many arguments that we had prior. How could I blame him? He was the only one that came to me when I had no one and stayed after all this time. Despite his own hardships, he still helped me the best he could. Sometimes, the things he says and does hurt a lot. It only got worse as time goes by. What am I to do? He’s the only friend I’ve got.

 

“I’m sorry Matt,” I said, finally breaking the silence. “I shouldn’t have said that to you, it wasn’t cool at all.”

 

“It’s fine E, I know you didn’t mean it.” Matthews looked at me with caring eyes and gave me a side hug. “Hey, you’re still going to be my friend despite all our arguments. I look out for you a lot, more than you could ever know.”

 

I forced a smile as I looked at him and hesitantly said. “Thanks Matt…”

 

“Not a problem. Let me walk you back home.” His expression turned 180 degrees, like the argument never happened.

 

I’m both amazed and saddened by the fact that he always does this. Every single time we argue, he always seemed to look and feel like nothing ever happened. As much I try to look like I’m alright, I never really am. No matter how many times he guilt trips me, pretending like everything's alright after an argument, I still chose to stay.

 

I said my goodbyes as he dropped me off before walking back to his own home. The house was empty when I stepped in, ma and pa were both at work. Walking up the stairs felt like a chore, I couldn’t wait to just drop on the bed and sleep. My feet weighed down each step making it groan with every step.

 

After hanging my backpack on the doorknob and dropping on the bed, my eyelids were weighing down when a soft knock startled me.

 

“Hey di, everything alright?” a soft voice asked from my doorway. I looked up and saw Jane, my older sister standing with her arms crossed in front of her, face etched in concern. Of course she would know something’s wrong, older sister instincts.

 

“I’m okay,” I mumbled from my starfish position on the bed, trying my best to act like everything’s fine. “Y’know, the same old same old.”

 

Immediately jie knew that something was up, something was bothering me. “What happened, is it about Matthew again?” I shifted my legs slightly to make space for her as she moved to sit on the edge of my bed.

I brushed it off saying that it’s nothing, rather the conflict wasn’t a big of a deal at all. “Matt and I had an argument just now but really it’s fine, there’s nothing to worry about.”

 

There was a pregnant silence as I watched my sister bite her bottom lip, seemingly deep in thought. The ceiling fan creaking and wobbling from years of use accompanied my thoughts as I wondered what was going through her head. The day was warm and the breeze was a relief despite the humidity.

 

“I’ve been thinking about this for quite some time now,” she started, turning to face me but looking away again. “I don’t think Matthew is being a good friend.”

 

I sat up straight on the bed to try and meet her eyes, all remnants of sleep gone. “What do you mean?”

 

Her fingers plucked and pulled at the thread on her loose pants. Her oversized hoodie swallowing her up making her look smaller than she already is. “I just think that he is being mean to you most of the time, he treats you really terribly.”

 

“It’s not like that,” I said defending Matthew. “Matt is only doing this because he cares for me, he doesn’t want me to be such a doormat, he wants me to be able to stand up for myself.”

 

          “Tell me lah di, what kind of friend treats you that way for your own good?” jie raised her voice in frustration.

         

          What kind of friend would treat me like this? How am I supposed to know, I never had one.

 

          Jie must have known what was going through my mind because pity overtook frustration.

 

It came as a surprise to me because she usually does not speak up about anything. She was usually soft-spoken and kept her thoughts to herself.

 

After some silence, she stood up and walked towards the door. “I’m only telling you this because I care di, you know that.”

 

And the thing is, I did know. Jie wouldn’t speak up about something she wasn’t feeling strongly about. Thinking about what jie said to me, it reminded me to all the times I had my arguments with Matthew. Most of them can be so petty, thinking back.

 

“What do you mean I can’t copy your homework? Sharing is caring right?”

 

“Eh don’t anyhow blame me for your missing book okay. I already told you I gave it back to you.”

 

“You suck lah Ethan, can I have a bit of challenge please don’t be so noob can?”

 

All these arguments left a bitter taste in my mouth, but I brushed them aside. All friends get into little