A KNIGHT OF THE NINETEENTH CENTURY, Edward Payson Roe [top young adult novels TXT] 📗
- Author: Edward Payson Roe
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He Said; "The World Says, 'Go To The Devil,' And Gives Me No Chance To
Do Otherwise."
"Do You Regard The World--Whatever You May Mean By The Phrase--As Your
Friend?"
"Friend!" He Repeated, With Bitter Emphasis.
"Why, Then, Do You Take Its Advice? I Did Not Come Here To Tell You To
Go To Perdition."
"But If The World Sets Its Face Against Me Like A Flint, What Is There
For Me To Do But To Remain In prison Or Hide In a Desert, Unless I Do
What I Had Purposed, Defy It And Strike Back, Though It Be Only As A
Worm That Tries To Sting The Foot That Crushes It."
"Egbert, If You Should Die, The World Would Forget That You Had Ever
Existed, In a Few Days."
"Certainly. It Would Give Me Merely A Passing Thought As Of A Nuisance
That Had Been Abated."
"Well, Then, Would It Not Be Wise To Forget The World For A Little
While? You Are Shut Away From It For The Present, And It Cannot Molest
You. In the Meantime You Can Settle Some Very Important Personal
Questions. The World Has Power Over Your Fate Only As You Give It Power.
You Need not Lie Like A Helpless Worm In its Path, Waiting To Be
Crushed. Get Up Like A Man, And Take Care Of Yourself. The World May Let
You Starve, But It Cannot Prevent You From Becoming Good And True And
Manly; If You Do Become So, However, Rest Assured the World Will
Eventually Find A Place For You, And, Perhaps, An Honored place. But Be
That As It May, A Good Christian Man Is Sustained by Something Far More
Substantial Than The World'S Breath."
Out Of Respect For Mrs. Arnot, Haldane Was Silent. He Supposed that Her
Proposed remedy For His Desperate Troubles Was That He Should "Become A
Christian," And To This Phrase He Had Learned to Give Only The Most
Conventional Meaning.
"Becoming a Christian," In his Estimation, Was The Making Of Certain
Professions, Going Through Peculiar And Abnormal Experiences, And
Joining a Church, The Object Of All This Being To Escape A "Wrath To
Come" In the Indefinite Future. To Begin With, He Had Not The Slightest
Idea How To Set In motion These Spiritual Evolutions, Had He Desired
Them; And To His Intense And Practical Nature The Whole Subject Was As
Unattractive As A Library Of Musty And Scholastic Books. He Wanted some
Remedy That Applied to This World, And Would Help Him Now. He Did Not
Associate Mrs. Arnot'S Action With Christian Principle, But Believed it
To Be Due To The Peculiar And Natural Kindness Of Her Heart. Christians
In General Had Not Troubled themselves About Him, And, As Far As He
Could Judge, Had Turned as Coldly From Him As Had Others. His Mother Had
Always Been Regarded as An Eminently Religious Woman, And Yet He Knew
That She Was Morbidly Sensitive To The World'S Opinion And Society'S
Verdict.
From Childhood He Had Associated religion With Numerous Sunday
Restraints And The Immaculate Mourning-Dress Which Seemed chiefly To
Occupy His Mother'S Thoughts During The Hour Preceding Service. He Had
No Conception Of A Faith That Could Be To Him What The Master'S Strong
Sustaining Hand Was To The Disciple Who Suddenly Found Himself Sinking
In A Stormy Sea.
It Is Not Strange That The Distressed in body Or Mind Turn Away From A
Religion Of Dreary Formalities And Vague, Uncomprehended mental
Processes. Instant And Practical Help Is What Is Craved; And Just Such
Help Christ Ever Gave When He Came To Manifest God'S Will And Ways To
Men. By Whose Authority Do Some Religious Teachers Now Lead The
Suffering Through Such A Round-About, Intricate, Or Arid Path Of Things
To Be Done And Doctrines To Be Accepted before Bringing Them To Christ?
But When A Mind Has Become Mystified with Preconceived ideas And
Prejudices, It Is No Easy Task To Reveal To It The Truth, However
Simple. Mrs. Arnot Had Come Into The Light But Slowly Herself, And She
Had Passed through Too Many Deep And Prolonged spiritual Experiences To
Hope For Any Immediate And Radical Change In haldane. Indeed, She Was In
Great Doubt Whether He Would Ever Receive The Faithful Words She
Proposed speaking To Him; And She Fully Believed that Anything He
Attempted in his Own Strength Would Again End In disheartening Failure.
"Egbert," She Said Gently, But Very Gravely, "Have You Fully Settled it
In Your Own Mind That I Am Your Friend And Wish You Well?"
"How Can I Believe Otherwise, Since You Are Here, And Speaking To Me As
You Do?"
"Well, I Am Going To Test Your Faith In me And My Kindness. I Am Going
To Speak Plainly, And Perhaps You May Think Even Harshly. You Are Very
Sick, And If I Am To Be Your Physician I Must Give You Some Sharp,
Decisive Treatment. Will You Remember Through It All That My Only Motive
Is To Make You Well?"
"I Will Try To."
"You Have Kept Away From Me A Long Time. Perhaps When Released from This
Place You Will Again Avoid Me, And I May Never Have Another Opportunity
Like The Present. Now, While You Have A Chance To Think, I Am Going To
Ask You To Face The Consequences Of Your Present Course. Within An Hour
After Passing Out Of This Cell You Will Have It In your Power To Trample
On Your Better Nature And Stupefy Your Mind. But Now, If You Will, You
Have A Chance To Use The Powers God Has Given You, And Settle Finally On
Your Plan Of Life."
"I Have Already Trampled on My Manhood--What Is Worse, I Have Lost It. I
Haven'T Any Courage Or Strength Left."
"That Can Scarcely Be True Of One But Little More Than Twenty. You Are
To Be Here In quietness For The Next Ten Days, I Learn. It Is My
Intention, So Far As It Is In my Power To Bring It About, That You
Deliberately Face The Consequences Of Your Present Course During This
Time. By The Consequences I Do Not Mean What The World Will Think Of
You, But, Rather, The Personal Results Of Your Action--What You Must
Suffer While You Are In the World, And What You Must Suffer When Far
Beyond The World. Egbert, Are You Pleased with Yourself? Are You
Satisfied with Yourself?"
"I Loathe Myself."
"You Can Get Away From The World--You Are Away From It Now, And Soon You
Will Be Away From It Finally--But You Can Never Get Away From Yourself.
Are You Willing To Face An Eternal Consciousness Of Defeat, Failure, And
Personal Baseness?"
He Shuddered, But Was Silent.
"There Is No Place In god'S Pure Heaven For The Drunkard--The Morally
Loathsome And Deformed. Are You Willing To Be Swept Away Among The Chaff
And The Thorns, And To Have, Forever, The Shameful And Humiliating
Knowledge That You Rightfully Belong To The Rubbish Of The Universe? Are
You Willing To Have A Sleepless Memory Tell You In every Torturing Way
Possible What A Noble, Happy Man You Might Have Been, But Would Not Be?
Your Power To Drown Memory And Conscience, And Stupefy Your Mind, Will
Last A Little While Only At Best. How Are You Going To Endure The Time
When You Must Remember Everything and Think Of Everything? These Are
More Important Questions Than What The World Thinks Of You."
"Have You No Pity?" He Groaned.
"Yes, My Heart Overflows With Pity. Is It Not Kindness To Tell You
Whither Your Path Is Leading? If I Had The Power I Would Lay Hold Of
You, And Force You To Come With Me Into The Path Of Life And Safety,"
She Answered, With A Rush Of Tears To Her Eyes.
Her Sympathy Touched him Deeply, And Disarmed her Words Of All Power To
Awaken Resentment.
"Mrs. Arnot," He Cried, Passionately, "I Did Mean--I Did Try--To Do
Better When I Left This Place; But, Between My Own Accursed weakness And
The Hard-Hearted world, I Am Here Again, And Almost Without Hope."
"Egbert, Though I Did Not Discourage You At The Time, I Had Little Hope
Of Your Accomplishing anything When You Left This Cell Some Weeks Since.
You Went Out To Regain Your Old Position And The World'S Favor, As One
Might Look For A Jewel Or Sum Of Money He Had Lost. You Can Never Gain
Even These Advantages In the Way You Proposed, And If You Enjoy Them
Again The Cause Will Exist, Not In what You Do Only, But Chiefly In what
You _Are_. When You Started out To Win The Favor Of Society, From
Which You Had Been Alienated partly By Misfortune, But Largely Through
Your Own Wrong Action, There Was No Radical Change In your Character, Or
Even In your Controlling Motives. You Regretted the Evil Because Of Its
Immediate And Disagreeable Consequences. I Do Not Excuse The World'S
Harshness Toward The Erring; But, After All, If You Can Disabuse Your
Mind Of Prejudice You Will Admit That Its Action Is Very Natural, And
Would, Probably, Have Been Your Own Before You Passed under This Cloud.
Consider What The World Knows Of You. It, After All, Is Quite Shrewd In
Judging Whom It May Trust And Whom It Is Safe To Keep At Arm'S-Length.
Knowing Yourself And Your Own Weaknesses As You Do, Could You Honestly
Recommend Yourself To The Confidence Of Any One? With Your Character
Unchanged, What Guarantee Have You Against The First Temptation Or Gust
Of Passion To Which You Are Subjected? You Had No Lack Of Wounded pride
And Ambition When You Started out, But You Will Surely Admit That Such
Feelings Are Of Little Value Compared with Christian Integrity And Manly
Principle, Which Render Anything Dishonorable Or Base Impossible.
"I Do Not Consider The World'S Favor Worth Very Much, But The World'S
Respect Is, For It Usually Respects Only What Is Respectable. As You
Form A Character That You Can Honestly Respect Yourself, You Will Find
Society Gradually Learning To Share In that Esteem. Believe Me, Egbert,
If You Ever Regain The World'S Lost Favor, Which You Value So Highly,
You Will Discover The First Earnest Of It In your Own Changed and
Purified character. The World Will Pay No Heed to Any Amount Of
Self-Assertion, And Will Remain Equally Indifferent To Appeals And
Upbraidings; But Sooner Or Later It Will Find Out Just What You Are In
Your Essential Life, And Will Estimate You Accordingly. I Have Dwelt On
This Phase Of Your Misfortune Fully, Because I See That It Weighs So
Heavily On Your Heart. Can You Accept My Judgment In the Matter?
Remember, I Have Lived nearly Three Times As Long As You Have, And Speak
From Ripe Experience. I Have Always Been A Close Observer Of Society,
And Am Quite Sure I Am Right. If You Were My Own Son I Would Use The
Same Words."
"Mrs. Arnot," He Replied slowly, With Contracted brow, "You Are Giving
Me Much To Think About. I Fear I Have Been As Stupid As I Have Been Bad.
My Whole Life Seems One Wretched blunder."
"Ah, If You Will Only _Think_, I Shall Have Strong Hopes Of You. But In
Measuring These Questions Do Not Use The Inch Rule Of Time And Earth
Only. As I Have Said Before, Remember You Will Soon Have Done With
Earth Forever, But Never Can You Get Away From God, Nor Be Rid Of
Yourself. You Are On Wretched terms With Both, And Will Be, Whatever
Happens, Until Your Nature Is Brought Into Harmony With God'S Will. We
Are So Made, So Designed in our Every Fibre, That Evil Tortures Us Like
A Diseased nerve; And It Always Will Till We Get Rid Of It. Therefore,
Egbert, Remember--O That I Could Burn It Into Your Consciousness--The
Best That You Can Gain From Your Proposed evil Course Is A Brief Respite
In Base And Sensual Stupefaction, Or Equally Artificial And Unmanly
Excitement, And Then Endless Waking, Bitter Memories, And Torturing
Regret. Face This Truth Now, Before It Is Too Late. Good-By For A Time.
I Will Come Again When I Can; Or You Can Send For Me When You Please;"
And She Gave Him Her Hand In cordial Pressure.
He Did Not Say A Word, But His Face Was Very White, And It Was Evident
That Her Faithful Words Had Opened a Prospect That Had Simply Appalled
Him.
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