An Ideal Husband, Oscar Wilde [free ebook reader TXT] 📗

better than

his neighbours. In fact, to be a bit better than one’s neighbour was

considered excessively vulgar and middle-class. Nowadays, with our

modern mania for morality, every one has to pose as a paragon of

purity, incorruptibility, and all the other seven deadly virtues -

and what is the result? You all go over like ninepins - one after

the other. Not a year passes in England without somebody

disappearing. Scandals used to lend charm, or at least interest, to

a man - now they crush him. And yours is a very nasty scandal. You

couldn’t survive it. If it were known that as a young man, secretary

to a great and important minister, you sold a Cabinet secret for a

large sum of money, and that that was the origin of your wealth and

career, you would be hounded out of public life, you would disappear

completely. And after all, Sir Robert, why should you sacrifice your

entire future rather than deal diplomatically with your enemy? For

the moment I am your enemy. I admit it! And I am much stronger than

you are. The big battalions are on my side. You have a splendid

position, but it is your splendid position that makes you so

vulnerable. You can’t defend it! And I am in attack. Of course I

have not talked morality to you. You must admit in fairness that I

have spared you that. Years ago you did a clever, unscrupulous

thing; it turned out a great success. You owe to it your fortune and

position. And now you have got to pay for it. Sooner or later we

have all to pay for what we do. You have to pay now. Before I leave

you to-night, you have got to promise me to suppress your report, and

to speak in the House in favour of this scheme.

 

SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. What you ask is impossible.

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. You must make it possible. You are going to make it

possible. Sir Robert, you know what your English newspapers are

like. Suppose that when I leave this house I drive down to some

newspaper office, and give them this scandal and the proofs of it!

Think of their loathsome joy, of the delight they would have in

dragging you down, of the mud and mire they would plunge you in.

Think of the hypocrite with his greasy smile penning his leading

article, and arranging the foulness of the public placard.

 

SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. Stop! You want me to withdraw the report and

to make a short speech stating that I believe there are possibilities

in the scheme?

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. [Sitting down on the sofa.] Those are my terms.

 

SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. [In a low voice.] I will give you any sum of

money you want.

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. Even you are not rich enough, Sir Robert, to buy back

your past. No man is.

 

SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. I will not do what you ask me. I will not.

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. You have to. If you don’t … [Rises from the

sofa.]

 

SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. [Bewildered and unnerved.] Wait a moment!

What did you propose? You said that you would give me back my

letter, didn’t you?

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. Yes. That is agreed. I will be in the Ladies’

Gallery to-morrow night at half-past eleven. If by that time - and

you will have had heaps of opportunity - you have made an

announcement to the House in the terms I wish, I shall hand you back

your letter with the prettiest thanks, and the best, or at any rate

the most suitable, compliment I can think of. I intend to play quite

fairly with you. One should always play fairly … when one has

the winning cards. The Baron taught me that … amongst other

things.

 

SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. You must let me have time to consider your

proposal.

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. No; you must settle now!

 

SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. Give me a week - three days!

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. Impossible! I have got to telegraph to Vienna to-night.

 

SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. My God! what brought you into my life?

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. Circumstances. [Moves towards the door.]

 

SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. Don’t go. I consent. The report shall be

withdrawn. I will arrange for a question to be put to me on the

subject.

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. Thank you. I knew we should come to an amicable

agreement. I understood your nature from the first. I analysed you,

though you did not adore me. And now you can get my carriage for me,

Sir Robert. I see the people coming up from supper, and Englishmen

always get romantic after a meal, and that bores me dreadfully.

[Exit SIR ROBERT CHILTERN.]

 

[Enter Guests, LADY CHILTERN, LADY MARKBY, LORD CAVERSHAM, LADY

BASILDON, MRS. MARCHMONT, VICOMTE DE NANJAC, MR. MONTFORD.]

 

LADY MARKBY. Well, dear Mrs. Cheveley, I hope you have enjoyed

yourself. Sir Robert is very entertaining, is he not?

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. Most entertaining! I have enjoyed my talk with him

immensely.

 

LADY MARKBY. He has had a very interesting and brilliant career.

And he has married a most admirable wife. Lady Chiltern is a woman

of the very highest principles, I am glad to say. I am a little too

old now, myself, to trouble about setting a good example, but I

always admire people who do. And Lady Chiltern has a very ennobling

effect on life, though her dinner-parties are rather dull sometimes.

But one can’t have everything, can one? And now I must go, dear.

Shall I call for you to-morrow?

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. Thanks.

 

LADY MARKBY. We might drive in the Park at five. Everything looks

so fresh in the Park now!

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. Except the people!

 

LADY MARKBY. Perhaps the people are a little jaded. I have often

observed that the Season as it goes on produces a kind of softening

of the brain. However, I think anything is better than high

intellectual pressure. That is the most unbecoming thing there is.

It makes the noses of the young girls so particularly large. And

there is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose; men don’t

like them. Good-night, dear! [To LADY CHILTERN.] Good-night,

Gertrude! [Goes out on LORD CAVERSHAM’S arm.]

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. What a charming house you have, Lady Chiltern! I

have spent a delightful evening. It has been so interesting getting

to know your husband.

 

LADY CHILTERN. Why did you wish to meet my husband, Mrs. Cheveley?

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. Oh, I will tell you. I wanted to interest him in

this Argentine Canal scheme, of which I dare say you have heard. And

I found him most susceptible, - susceptible to reason, I mean. A

rare thing in a man. I converted him in ten minutes. He is going to

make a speech in the House to-morrow night in favour of the idea. We

must go to the Ladies’ Gallery and hear him! It will be a great

occasion!

 

LADY CHILTERN. There must be some mistake. That scheme could never

have my husband’s support.

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. Oh, I assure you it’s all settled. I don’t regret my

tedious journey from Vienna now. It has been a great success. But,

of course, for the next twenty-four hours the whole thing is a dead

secret.

 

LADY CHILTERN. [Gently.] A secret? Between whom?

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. [With a flash of amusement in her eyes.] Between

your husband and myself.

 

SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. [Entering.] Your carriage is here, Mm

Cheveley!

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. Thanks! Good evening, Lady Chiltern! Good-night,

Lord Goring! I am at Claridge’s. Don’t you think you might leave a

card?

 

LORD GORING. If you wish it, Mrs. Cheveley!

 

MRS. CHEVELEY. Oh, don’t be so solemn about it, or I shall be

obliged to leave a card on you. In England I suppose that would

hardly be considered EN REGLE. Abroad, we are more civilised. Will

you see me down, Sir Robert? Now that we have both the same

interests at heart we shall be great friends, I hope!

 

[Sails out on SIR ROBERT CHILTERN’S arm. LADY CHILTERN goes to the

top of the staircase and looks down at them as they descend. Her

expression is troubled. After a little time she is joined by some of

the guests, and passes with them into another reception-room.]

 

MABEL CHILTERN. What a horrid woman!

 

LORD GORING. You should go to bed, Miss Mabel.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. Lord Goring!

 

LORD GORING. My father told me to go to bed an hour ago. I don’t

see why I shouldn’t give you the same advice. I always pass on good

advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use

to oneself.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. Lord Goring, you are always ordering me out of the

room. I think it most courageous of you. Especially as I am not

going to bed for hours. [Goes over to the sofa.] You can come and

sit down if you like, and talk about anything in the world, except

the Royal Academy, Mrs. Cheveley, or novels in Scotch dialect. They

are not improving subjects. [Catches sight of something that is

lying on the sofa half hidden by the cushion.] What is this? Some

one has dropped a diamond brooch! Quite beautiful, isn’t it? [Shows

it to him.] I wish it was mine, but Gertrude won’t let me wear

anything but pearls, and I am thoroughly sick of pearls. They make

one look so plain, so good and so intellectual. I wonder whom the

brooch belongs to.

 

LORD GORING. I wonder who dropped it.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. It is a beautiful brooch.

 

LORD GORING. It is a handsome bracelet.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. It isn’t a bracelet. It’s a brooch.

 

LORD GORING. It can be used as a bracelet. [Takes it from her, and,

pulling out a green letter-case, puts the ornament carefully in it,

and replaces the whole thing in his breast-pocket with the most

perfect sang froid.]

 

MABEL CHILTERN. What are you doing?

 

LORD GORING. Miss Mabel, I am going to make a rather strange request

to you.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. [Eagerly.] Oh, pray do! I have been waiting for it

all the evening.

 

LORD GORING. [Is a little taken aback, but recovers himself.] Don’t

mention to anybody that I have taken charge of this brooch. Should

any one write and claim it, let me know at once.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. That is a strange request.

 

LORD GORING. Well, you see I gave this brooch to somebody once,

years ago.

 

MABEL CHILTERN. You did?

 

LORD GORING. Yes.

 

[LADY CHILTERN enters alone. The other guests have gone.]

 

MABEL CHILTERN. Then I shall certainly bid you good-night. Good-night, Gertrude! [Exit.]

 

LADY CHILTERN. Good-night, dear! [To LORD GORING.] You saw whom

Lady Markby brought here to-night?

 

LORD GORING. Yes. It was an unpleasant surprise. What did she come

here for?

 

LADY CHILTERN. Apparently to try and lure Robert to uphold some

fraudulent scheme in which she is interested. The Argentine Canal,

in fact.

 

LORD GORING. She has mistaken her man, hasn’t she?

 

LADY CHILTERN. She is incapable of understanding an upright nature

like my husband’s!

 

LORD GORING. Yes. I should fancy she came to grief if she tried to

get Robert into her toils. It is extraordinary what astounding

mistakes clever women make.

 

LADY CHILTERN. I don’t call women of that kind clever. I call them

stupid!

 

LORD GORING. Same thing often. Good-night, Lady Chiltern!

 

LADY CHILTERN. Good-night!

 

[Enter SIR ROBERT CHILTERN.]

 

SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. My dear Arthur, you are not going? Do stop a

little!

 

LORD GORING. Afraid I can’t, thanks. I have