Mallowmena, Heaven Stokes [the chimp paradox TXT] 📗

Ever fallen for someone so hard, a person you should have not fallen For? You felt like they were the right one, they flirted led you on for Weeks, Months, and maybe years. You wait by your phone wondering if they Will ever text you, because you know it's the only person you want to talk to. When talking to them they make you feel like the happiest person ever, even though they are chatting up a dozen other girl's at the same time. And you know all you have to do is move on, but you can't. They begin to hurt you, but you came all this way you just don't want to let go. You just think about the day he will realize "she is the one". But deep inside you know it will never happen. Gotten played so hard, fell in love when you knew it was wrong from the start. You get jealous of everyone who talks to them too, and everyone is a threat. You hear something you don't want to hear about them but even though all the facts come together, and it seems to be so true, you don't believe it. This is because this person has become THAT important to you. You can't stop what makes you happy, even though it is what is making you hurt.
Would you believe me if I told you my life story? Everyone starts off happy i believe and somewhere along the line sadness comes. My life revolved around a boy, then my four walls. Sometimes I don’t even believe myself. Some choose to live life as a game or take it serious. You could say I was in-between. Life for me seems complicated and annoying. Some days I wanted to die and other days I spent asking god why was I alive. I know some would ask why I felt this way. Or what was going on in my life. Things just weren’t that easy to explain. Life for me began everyday I went to sleep and ended every morning I won’t up. My depression grew stronger and my life I wanted shorter. My dreams were my escape as it became my reality. Some days I would only wake up to eat and use the bathroom. My dreams were everything I wanted in life. It was the life I had imaged. Sometimes I thought I was crazy, I even started dreaming while I was awake.
My life soon consisted of four walls. "How could someone be so closed in?” I could hear the whispers. No one understood. I did not want to be here, I didn't want to be a part of this. This world wasn't for me, I could not be. I went to sleep hoping the next day would be better , Hoping the lies I tell myself became the truth and the truth became my life , While my life made me happy. Even though I went to sleep that night knowing the morning would not be different I prayed. Sometimes I asked god if he loved me. Was the love I was looking for in him? "Maybe" They whispered. The voices inside my head played they own part.
They spoke to me, laughed, and cried with me. Was they may only friends? Has god sent them down to protect me? Protect me from what though? Myself? Questions as quickly as I thought them I forgot them.
This boy was everything I wanted. He made me laugh, smile, and cry all in the same day. We seen and spoke to each other every day. I thought nothing could go wrong. I met his family, they loved me. I loved him and I thought he felt the same. I would have not imagined to be in this dark place where I am today.
My days seem longer, and time moved slower. I would pick myself up to talk about what was going on to my family and friends , but i knew they wouldn't understand. “You never know where your life is headed until you start your journey”. “Words usually left unspoken are the ones that mean the most”. Quotes I had inherieted from my mother. She was a wise women. Yet in my early years I believe I knew everything and did I , NO ! I understood
everything so therforth I thought I knew it all, But what I didnt know I was lacking was experience. I always believe my mother was angry, she was. So everything that came out her mouth was angry. I never wanted to be sad or miserable or angry at the world because how society was towards me. My family on the other hand had their own thoughts and if I didnt agree it was because I had not lived life.
Even though I had not lived life, I had lived through the eyes of my sisters. I had seen what was done onto them , came to a conclusion that that wouldnt be where I would be. Evveryone on the outside looking in has their own opinion, Does it count ? NO ! My life isnt perfect I deal with what I got. My mind thinks differently. I cant truely explain it,
but im on a whole another level.
Everyday i cry and i want to die. no one cane really bring my spirits up. I will never understand why people do what they do. Its always the ones that convince you the most that care the less. It be the ones that swear there different but are the same. It be the ones that seem the best but are the worst. It stay being the ones that claim they change that always stay the same. It be the ones that lie in your face and laugh behind your back. It be the ones that make you smile and bring you down just as fast. The ones that be with you and never really love you. Those be the ones that remind you to think, feel , and live for yourself.

Everything im not made me everything i am. I never had it all. Some people would say i had what i needed and not what i wanted. Me being a kid i thought what i wanted was what i needed. i didn't really have much friends, i had my sisters! We was close. i don't really remember much of my childhood below age 14. My mother doesn't have pictures of me as a baby or toddler. The only childhood picture i have of myself is my 8th grade prom. I was in and out of foster care , don't know when i came home. Sometimes i ask myself would i be better off.

Text: Heaven Stokes
Images: Heaven Stokes
Editing: Heaven Stokes
Translation: Heaven Stokes
Publication Date: 06-26-2012

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