Parent With Purpose, Tiffany Mitchell [ebook reader with built in dictionary .TXT] 📗

why your child can not have these cookies you do not offer the opportunity to develop his best reasoning skills in the future. Your child may feel unacknowledged which over time and throughout many different situations can create a communication barrier.  A better way of addressing this could be “The answer is no and that is not going to change, Trust me. We can discuss this further later on.

 

Now I understand that some parents maybe look at that is roll their eyes and say pssh…I’m the parent and they better listen to me period! Well that belief that no explanation is needed is very traditional but it’s time to take your ego out of parenting. It’s time to choose to make a special relationship with your children. You are the parent and the primary decision maker and they know this already there is no need to wave a flag and remind them every chance you get. If your focus is on teaching, understanding, developing good decision making skills and creating a trusting relationship then this approach does not help to do so.

 

Providing a different type of response somewhat like the one suggested above helps to bring relief to the situation. Reminding your child to trust you allows remembering that you do know what you are talking about and they can rely on your decisions. It offers them understanding in knowing that although they do not understand why this is the appropriate decision right now they will find out soon enough. Staying true with your strong No allows structure and a belief in when you say no that you actually mean it.

 

            Then follow up with the conversation as you promised. In the most appropriate way possible give them a clear understanding as to why the answer was no. Maybe the answer was no because you were choosing to make better and more healthy eating habits. This provides the opportunity for child to discover that healthy eating doesn’t include cookies. It offers you the chance to show them what does fall into the healthy eating category. Next time while in the supermarket you can choose to say now you can get those cookies as a treat because we’ve been eating healthy or you can include them into the process of choosing healthier options thus avoiding the tantrum!

 

Another approach that is very common is disciplining through physical contact. This is an issue that has been talked about for years. Everyone seems to have a different opinion but whatever the opinion is we seem to have a very strong belief into one side or the other. Spanking is difficult because there are very thin lines as to what abusive behavior is and what isn’t.  It is believed that if you are using something like a belt, shoe or switch that you are being overly abusive because you are using a weapon. Some use just their hands but can be too aggressive or even hit multiple times which can lead to one time to many. It is important to think and be aware of the reasoning behind it. What is the intention of this type of discipline? What is the child really getting out of it? Is it creating the type of environment that you want? Is there a better way of achieving this?

 

Most people choose a form a disciple that they themselves were accustomed to growing up. This doesn’t mean that it is effective nor does it mean it worked. You have the opportunity to choose something different. If your only reasoning for using a particular punishment is because that’s how you grew up then it is time to reevaluate what you are doing.

 

            Adults tend to have the belief that because they’ve grown up, and have their own job, home and family that whatever their parents did must have worked. This is not true at all. You may have all of those things despite what you were taught or despite what difficulties you’ve been through. Just because you are here and breathing it doesn’t mean that you are doing everything right nor does it mean you survived it. All that it just means you are privileged with the opportunity to do more. You get to live more, grow more, share more and become more as humans and as parents.

We all have things that contributed to the best and the worst parts of us. You could still be carrying those things around with you. That old saying what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger is not always true. Sometimes pieces of us were killed and we are just walking around living our lives carrying around the parts of that are dead or wounded. We are each dealing with things such as anger, disappointment, abuse, judgment, and abandonment issues. The things that you are dealing with are the ones that were not healed. We carry all this stuff with us and make a life with them. These are the very issues that affect us at work, with friends and in our relationships. So why do you think they wouldn’t become issues in parenting. Why do we work on communication and develop practices to keep a healthy marriage and business relationships and yet parent without doing the same thing.

 

If you realize that what your parents did didn’t work then accept that, understand that they did the best they could. They did what they thought was best. You have the great opportunity of choosing to do things differently.  You are accountable for who your children become. Choose to open yourself up and find a new perspective on punishments and disciplines.

 

When you have a clear intention of what you are choosing to teach you will find that a lot of the ways we’ve been doing things do not align with those intentions. Old school and more traditional techniques aren’t always the best but maybe the only way those before you knew how to do them. “If someone was to jump off of a bridge does that mean you do it?” We teach that motto to our kids in an effort to explain to them that they have the right and reasonability to make choices based off of their own intellect and not by someone else’s. Yet we parent using the techniques of others and we don’t question whether they work or not. We have to do the work. We have to evaluate our behaviors and develop new ways of doing things that actually work.

 

 

Chapter 4- Reserve your Superpower

The moment we become parents we suddenly transform in to this extraterrestrial being. We have extra arms and legs. Our brains start to work double time thinking and creating new ways of handling situations and getting things done. We go from sleeping in on a Saturday morning recovering from the weeks (or nights) events to waking up cleaning, running errands and cooking a full breakfast before most have even opened their eyes. We are able to juggle various tasks.  We complete several projects without even thinking twice about the effort it would take. Somehow we become more motivated and able to do the impossible.

 

The only issue with this is that we exhaust this super power with the thought that just because we can do it all, we should. These powers weren’t given to us to abuse. These powers were given to us as a resource just in case the time comes when we really are the last man standing. Choosing to do it all on your own is unhealthy for both you and your children. We all want to be superhero parents. We want the comfort of knowing that we have the ability to handle all things by ourselves. It’s our safety net. We know that if anything was to ever go wrong that we alone can get the job done.  We also feel a sense of pride in the knowing that the people we are responsible for are taken care of solely because of us.

 

Yet again we have to take our ego out of parenting. We can’t do it all by ourselves. You can be the best parent in the world and have the best intentions but you will tire yourself out, and disappoint yourself thinking you have to do it all.  It is really hard to ask for help especially when it comes to your kids. They are however your kids! You really need to make time for yourself to rest and nurture you! Then when needed, you can rely on your superpowers!

 

We have to learn to utilize the other resources we have around us. We have to work with the teachers, coaches, family, and friends. We need to build a support system with like minded people. This allows us the opportunity to breathe and to really enjoy our time being parents. We want to savor the moments we have with our children and be able to be present while they are growing. We miss out on the little moments because we are way too exhausted trying to handle everything on our own.

 

Make some guilt free time for yourself. You cannot give what you do not have.  Taking the time to rest your mind and your legs will give you that much more to offer your children.  It can be a 10 minute coffee break, an early morning jog or curling up at night watching movies. There will always be more cleaning, another event to prepare for, and another phone call to be made. You have to take a little piece of time for you that doesn’t focus on being a parent. Just one small piece of your day away will allow you to refresh yourself. Your superpowers will become sharper and you will be able to offer more.

 

If you are going through some challenging times ask for help. You won’t always have all the answers and that is ok. It really does take a village to raise a child. Keep in mind the issues you are having are not new. You are not the only parent in the world who is going through or who has gone through your situation. There is an unlimited amount of resources you just have to seek help. You can include people you know that will support both your ideas and vision for your child. Adding close friends or family who may be dealing with similar challenges can be be helpful. You will have support on handling things and you may find that they have some great ideas in helping you create some relief to your situations. Do not be afraid to be honest about the challenges you are dealing with the people who love and care about.  A lot of times there are family members around you who are able to influence your child in a positive way. It is often a great reinforcement tool for the child when someone else that they trust outside of their parents offers them the same advice. They may even be offer a different perspective that your child may find easier to understand.

 

It is also a really good idea to involve you children in activities that they find interest in and to surround them with people and other children who are being raised the same way you are raising your