Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust, Jessica Dalton [psychology books to read .txt] 📗

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

Chapter 1


“Nixy, please don‘t walk away from me like this, just explain why you are going. I need to understand.”

I looked at my mum as she pleaded with me. Tears silently rolled down her cheeks. My dad who sat next to her holding her hand looked at me while holding back tears of his own. Angry tears. My dad loved me and my three brothers but my mum was his true love and it was clear that my leaving home so suddenly was hurting her. Therefore in my dads eyes I was not the daughter he thought I was.

I felt my heart breaking for the second time this week. I hated making my mum feel so sad and helpless. She would have tried everything in her power to help me, to make me feel better. But there was nothing she could do and as soon as I told her that it hurt her. Especially the fact that I felt as though I needed to get away from home to feel better.

I had to be strong. Just strong enough to get out the front door, down the drive and into my old beat up VW bug. I loved my little bug I even named her - Tallula. Then I could cry, then I would let the gut wrenching sobs escape my lips - but not before.

“Nix!” I heard my brother Michael call from the hallway. He was heading my way. And sure enough his tall frame stood in the living room doorway seconds later. “John just called and told me what was happening. I left Mary with the twins and got here as soon as I could.”

Michael was my big brother - the eldest in the family at twenty- six. John was the second eldest at twenty - three and Kevin was the third and youngest boy in the family at twenty - one and I was the youngest and only girl at twenty.

Kevin was in my Dads study right now with his best friend Declan. Kevin refused to say goodbye - instead he had opted for the easier option of helping himself to Dads bar and drinking all the whiskey. And of course Declan being the good friend he is decided it was his duty to help drink the bar dry. I felt a smile curl the corners of my lips as I thought of my favourite brother and his best friend. I caught Johns eye who was standing silently in the corner of the room. He shook his head slightly and I sighed. Of course he was right, now was really not the time for smiling.

“mum,” I sighed, trying to not look her in the eye as I explained for what seemed like the hundredth time why I was leaving my home in Ireland and moving to Canada. “since the funeral I can‘t stand being here anymore, in this country, in this county, in this town, even this house holds far too many memories of Jaz. I just miss her so much and it hurts- you know? to see her everywhere and not see her at the same time.”
I took a deep breath which I nearly chocked on as I felt a dry sob try to escape through my lips.

“but Nixy, it will be worse if you run from your grief - you‘ll just have to face it when you come back anyway.” my mum tried to reason with me.

I blinked back tears and silently looked at my mother. Taking in every detail of her beautifully aged face.

As I watched her I saw when she finally realised the truth.

“you’re not coming back are you?” she gasped. Her small shoulders shook and my dad pulled her into his broad chest - rocking her and comforting her. For a moment I felt like telling them I had changed my mind and asking my dad if he would please hold me and comfort me until I felt all better. But the moment passed very quickly.

“she was my best friend mum, she was as good as a sister to me and you know that. And when she died she took some of me with her. Heaven forbid if Kevin had died I would be just as bad as I am now. I need to go. I will see you all again one day, but right now I need to leave.”

Tallula was already packed with all of my bags, I was getting a Ferry over to England and then from there I was taking the Queen Mary from Southampton to New York and then I would drive across the border to Toronto. From there I would decided where to go.

Jaz and I had got our visas at the beginning of the year, we had planned on travelling to Canada next month anyway - we just hadn’t planned the car accident that had killed her.

I picked up my handbag that I had left at my feet as a distraction from the tears that threatened to roll down my cheeks

“mum,” I chocked out. “I‘ll phone every day and write every week. I promise.”

“you don‘t know anyone over there. How will you survive?” she wailed.

I had to stiffle a laugh. “mum, I have a job already secured - me and Jaz organised everything months ago, I phoned up my new employers and just asked them if I could start earlier. They agreed as soon as I explained about Jaz and the same goes for our accommodation. I‘m staying in Toronto for the time being, after that - well who knows.”

I fiddled with the strap of my bag. “I‘ll be fine mum I promise.”

There was an awkward silence then, I needed to leave or I would suffocate and break down at the same time. The only problem was that I didn’t know how to say goodbye. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to. I knew I should have slipped out silently in the middle of the night - leaving a note to explain.

It was Michael and John who saved me, they both came over to me and formed a Nix sandwich.

“goodbye squirt.” Michael mumbled into my hair affectionately. He then lent down and whispered into my ear - “are you sure your not leaving because of that Eoghan guy, you had a crush on? Because if it is because of him then I would be happy to beat the crap out of him for turning you down.”

I shook my head as me and John and Michael laughed silently.

I squeezed out of their embrace as they kissed my forehead and stepped back. Walking over to mum and dad I knelt in front of them and took mums hands in mine.

“I love you so much mum, but I need to do this. I‘ll miss you.” I told her as I pulled her into a hug and kissed her cheeks and forehead.

There was no way I could release her yet so I pulled Dad into our embrace as well.

“love you dad.” I told him. “I‘m sorry.”

“I love you too kiddo.” he told me with a small smile.

It was finally too much and I had to disentangle myself from mums iron grip.

As I reached the door I looked over my shoulder at mum.

“bye mum,” I called just as I stepped outside I heard her loud heart wrenching sobs. I walked quickly over to Tallula before my own sobs joined hers.

I was just wishing that Kevin had said goodbye when I heard him calling me and two sets of footsteps stumbling towards me.

“hey, Ashes!” Kevin called, he came to a stumbling stop in front of me, followed closely by Declan.

“by Nix. Have fun in Canada.” Declan told me drunkenly. He was awarded with a elbow shoved in his gut for his statement.

“shut up you idiot, Ashes isn‘t going to Canada for fun - she‘s going to mourn Jaz.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at the two eejjits standing in front of me. It even amazed me that they were still able to make me laugh after the week I’d had.

“I‘m going to miss you two.” I told them. “especially you Kev.”

“Then stay.” he told me bluntly. “please don‘t go Ashes. I would help you get through it. I promise.”

“you know why I can’t stay Kev. But I‘ll call you when I can okay. I love you.” I told him as I pulled him into a hug.

“I love you too Ashes.”

I smiled at my nick name only he used. Nobody else had ever called me Ashes but for some reason Kev always had, even before he knew the meaning of my name.

As soon as I got into Tallula I slipped the travel CD Jaz and I had put together for the road trip we were supposed to take. Although Tallula is and old dear I have had the best mechanics that money could buy work on her and she can do anything any brand new car can do - especially with her brand new engine in her.

My dad was a rich man and since I was a kid I had saved up all my money, when I was sixteen me and Jaz had gotten jobs to add to our pocket money and as a result I had a very tidy amount in my savings account. I am slightly ashamed to admit that as of my twentieth birthday I became even richer when my trust fund was given to me so all together - I really wouldn’t need a job once I got to Canada, but I had always worked - I wasn’t going to change that now.

As the old country roads turned into main roads and the main roads turned into dual carriage ways and the dual carriage ways turned into motor ways, I felt my heart easing up ever so slightly with every mile I took towards my new life.

I looked into the rear view mirror and caught a look at myself. Michael had been right when he said that my crush Eoghan had turned me down. Eoghan was a bar man in my local, there’s nothing wrong with that, he was gorgeous and very clever for someone who dropped out of school at the age of 16 - we had gone to school together since nursery and I had been in love with him since the first day we met - pathetic I know but now that my life had been turned upside down, it felt silly ever being upset at being turned down by him. My reflection looked back at me with scrutiny all over her face. I had always been a plain looking girl, my dark hair hung lank against my cheeks, my chocolate colour eyes were lifeless and sad looking and although my complexion had been described by a lot of people as perfect my skin was beyond pale. If my chest wasn’t moving up and down then even I would think I looked like a corpse.

There was nothing special about me, I never