www.mr/msreallyright.univers.com, Betty Chatterjee [summer beach reads .txt] 📗

Here I am in front of the computer again. Even though it is ever so late I still have not concocted the ultimate of most ultimate adverts; the irresistible bait that will draw you into my net.

But what on earth should I write?
No point in being too modest:
“I am an attractive, mature and talented woman that has everything except you.
You are between 30 and 50.
You have a sound economy; (like will to like.)
You are generous.
You are a non-smoker.
You are slim (BMI 18.5 – 25)
You have no disabilities.
You have a sense of propriety.
You are elegant.
You are well-read.
You are cultured.
You are widely travelled.
You are practical and domesticated.
You are never, ever bad-tempered in the mornings.
You are loyal.
You are reliable
You know how to listen, especially to the woman in your life.
You are a wonderful lover.
AND
You intend to follow me through thick and thin the rest of your life.

I should be pleased to hear from the man who can say yes to 100% of the above. Please send an accurate and up-to-date photo with your application.
We guarantee each other complete discretion.
By request, NO irreverent comments or irrelevant suggestions.

eva_optimist@hotmail.com”


I read and reread the advert. “To be or not to be that is the question.” Is it worth my while? I sit there for ages and ages, and then I mutter:
“Nothing ventured, nothing gained!“
Then with a click, click, click I send my masterpiece whizzing through cyberspace, where it will land in the in-box at www.mr/msreallyright.univers.com

I take a look at my watch. It is 3.a.m. and apart from a gentle murmur from the computer the world around me is as quiet as the graveyard. Downstairs, upstairs and next door are other apartments, where the dwellers have long since drifted into oblivion. It is so much easier to fall asleep when you are not alone.

Then I go into the kitchen, open the fridge and pour myself a larger than normal glass of ice-cold vodka. I return to the sitting room and the soft sofa, where I savour the next best thing to nectar and dream about my 21st century Adam, who having found his Eve is about to knock on my door. He'll be here in a minute. He’s here. He jumps out of the car, grabs an enormous bouquet of red roses, comes in, runs up the stairs two at a time and knocks on my front-door. Just to be on the safe side I peep through the spy-hole. He’s tall, straight as a reed and he’s immaculately dressed – a true man of the world. This one is definitely not going to be sent back! I decide to let him wait for a few minutes, then I open the door.

And he’s gone.

Outside dawn is breaking. I am lying on the sofa and the empty glass has slipped onto the carpet. The computer drones on. I wonder if there are any mails. I get up unsteadily from the sofa and stretch my played-out body. I go over to the computer, grab the mouse, click then cry out:
” Twenty mails! ”
I can hardly believe my own eyes!

The first mail is from www.mr/ms.rigtigright.univers.
My heart pounds like mad, my hands are clammy and I shake from top to toe. Click, click and the message appears on the screen:

Dear Eva,
Thank you for your application. We are always delighted when we get a mail from such a discriminating client. Great challenges make life worth living.

Unfortunately I am going to have to disappoint you. There is nobody on our books who could possibly live up to your expectations.

However, as you probably know, our motto is: never say die! So I have taken the liberty of sending your request to partners in other countries as well as to others who might be able to offer you alternative strategies.

Finally let me be the first to wish you happy hunting.

Yours sincerely

Alfred Amora.

”Well, well! ” I mutter and click, click on the next.

Dear Eva,
Prince Charming does not exist, and so far as we know never did!
Obliging robots are not yet available.

Yours sincerely

Adam Rightsofman (adam@manright.org.com)

This time I say nothing at all, I just click, click on the next.

Dear Eva,
Adam Amora has forwarded your request.

As leading global experts in single lifestyle we have had years of experience with cases such as yours. Although you are looking for the unattainable, let us help you find the attainable.

First of all I should like to offer you my services as a psychologist. Not because I think that you have severe emotional problems, but because I suspect that you need to define what you want and what you can offer in return.

After that I should be delighted to help you write a new ad with a 100 % guarantee that it will attract the most suitable candidates.

With regard to your insuperable practical problems get in touch with www.handiman.m/f.dk.

I am really looking forward to this assignment.

Yours sincerely

Frank Truth

I just shake my head and continue to click, click. Mail after mail and they get worse and worse and worse. It is everything from home-service to firms offering adult toys - with 100% satisfaction or money back guarantees.

Probably the weirdest suggestion comes from www.doggyhomes.com .
’You are two clicks away from finding your best friend! Loving homes for loveable doggies’


I delete the whole shebang and turn off the computer. Then after staggering into the kitchen in search of coffee I vow to put net-dating out of my mind for ever and ever, Amen.

Well all that happened six months ago. Since then I’ve moved on. I’m not alone anymore. I’ve found my prince. He’s gorgeous! Coal black with the most adorable eyes! Every time he looks at me I go weak at my knees. What is more he listens attentively to whatever I say. He never, ever interrupts or contradicts me. Whenever I come home, he’s there waiting for me. No awkward questions either; I never, ever have to explain where I’ve been, whom I’ve been with or what I’ve been up to. In the evenings we cuddle up together on the sofa; I watch television and when he gets bored, he just lays his head on my lap and falls into a deep slumber. He doesn’t even snore.

On Sundays we go for long walks together along the beach, and we’ve got to know so many other dogs and their humans. Oh yes, I nearly forgot to tell you; Prince is a dog – a dear little poodle, whom I found thanks to www.doggyhomes.com .

So you see my efforts were not entirely in vain. Never say die!

'Prince Charming, are you listening? Don't waste your time knocking on my door! Prince Poodle suits me just fine!'

© Betty Chatterjee 2010. All rights reserved

Publication Date: 01-03-2010

All Rights Reserved