Summer, phoenixtears [buy e reader txt] 📗

To be or not to be. I smile grimly as the words flash through my mind. Ironic, that this was the quote I had chosen to recite in school the day before, when none of this had occurred, when I was still that innocent child. How could I have known this would happen? How could I have known what I would become, how everything would change? People say that you never know what you are truly capable of, they say you have all the choice in the world to be whoever you want to be, but they don’t really know. They live their lives being shielded from the world around them; they don’t see what goes on, how everyone else lives their lives. The world won’t wait for you, it keeps going, and sooner or later, I was going to have to learn that, I just figured it out early. You never know what life will throw at you next, for me, this, for someone else, who knows.
I shake free from my thoughts and return to the task at hand. Taking Summer’s still form in my arms, I straighten from my crouch, staring down at her face, the beautiful face I have come to know so well. She looks so peaceful she can almost be sleeping, but for the fact that no breath emits from her lips, no pulse beats its steady rhythm, no heart beat can be felt. In the weeks before, I came to recognize the sounds and smells, but now, all there is left is an empty shell, the Summer I love is long gone. I tear my gaze away, why am I forcing myself to look? Why do I want to experience this pain? There is a pounding in my ears, my eyes sting and the lump in my throat is getting bigger, harder to ignore. I must stop looking! What is happening to me?
Finally, with the sheer force of my will, my eyes leave her face, I can breathe again. I shudder, and a sound escapes from my lips. This scares me more than anything, a sound so pitiful, frightened. But I will not break down. Not yet, not here. I have something I must do, and I will do it, the weight in my arms is an unpleasant reminder of this. It began, so now it shall end.
I am still not sure how it happened. I hadn’t wanted to believe what she was saying, I couldn’t let her leave me, so soon after she arrived. I lost control; all it took was one minute, less even, before she was on the floor, her sightless eyes staring up at me, as if asking me why I had done it. That was the first thing I did, Close her eyes. I couldn’t bear to see those deep brown orbs, glazed over, missing the spark that was always there. I cannot face what I have done, what I have become, I know that I will have to leave, and wherever I go, I want always to be with Summer. Looking back, I remember once saying to her,
‘Wherever you go, I will go too. No matter what.’ Little did I know how that statement would come back to haunt me.
I step on to the stairs, gently holding my burden. She seems lighter, yet my steps heavier as I ascend, the gravity of the situation dawning on me. But I will not back out, everyone will have to understand. I cannot and will not live without Summer. It is impossible, it cannot be done, not now, not ever.
I reach the door, and somehow pull it open, stepping out in too the cool, still night. A sharp gust of wind whips against my face as I jog onwards. A part of me wishes someone will come out of their home, find me, stop me, yet another part of me is screaming to go faster. This part of me is louder, like a roar only I can hear. I break into a run and still, I am not noticed.
My feet pound the cold, black tarmac then skid to a stop. I stare into the inky depths for a second, then continue downwards. The station is empty, I knew it would be, and the desolate, bleak feel of it all fills me with a sensation I cannot explain. The sadness, hopelessness envelopes me, smothers me in its grip. I must shake myself to throw off the feeling. I will go soon, that is the only condolence I have and it is enough.
I am at the bottom, grimy white tile lies beneath me; a ticket booth stands, unattended, looking lonely, sad. I quickly turn away, stare at the tracks instead. A draft plays with my hair, lifting it up, like Summer used to, as she grinned at me, playfully reprimanding my lack of a brush- wait, no, I won’t go there, the pain will stop, why increase it? My last minutes should not be pain filled. I will go in peace, and never return.
I used to think there was an afterlife, a heaven, as many will call it, but now I am not so sure, though I do know, whatever comes next I will be with Summer; I will make sure of that. A whistle fills the cavernous space, shrill, loud, too loud, too real somehow. I thought it would be different, but I will take what I can get. I can’t expect some fairytale ending. Not all dreams come true, not all fantasy becomes reality. A rush of wind blasts out from the tunnel, I see a light, closer with every passing thought, the smell of fumes and freedom washes over me. I must hurry, if I miss this chance, I will not do it, I only have one opportunity, It’s now or never, I will do this. I step onto the track.
I love you Summer.

Text: phoenixtears
Publication Date: 06-20-2012

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