Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, June 20, 1917, Mr. Various [shoe dog free ebook .TXT] 📗
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=CHARIVARIA.=
A man who purchased sandwiches at a railway restaurant and afterwards
threw them into the road was fined five shillings at Grimsby Police
Court last week. His explanation--that he did not know they might
injure the road--was not accepted by the Court.
We cannot help thinking that too much fuss has been made about trying
to stop Messrs. RAMSAY MACDONALD and JOWETT from leaving England. So
far as we can gather they did not threaten to return to this country
afterwards.
A North of England man, obviously wishing to appear unusual, still
persists in the stupid story that he did not hear the Messines
explosion.
We can think of no finer example of the humility of true greatness
than KING CONSTANTINE'S decision to abdicate.
There were forty thousand fewer paupers in 1916 than in 1915,
according to figures recently published. The difference is accounted
for by the number of revue-writers who have resumed their agricultural
occupations.
In a small town in Australia, says a news item, over two tons of mice
were killed in two days. For some unknown reason, which perhaps the
Censor can explain, the name of the cat is withheld.
"Eliminate the middleman," demands a contemporary. It might prove a
simpler affair, after all, than the present system of suppressing the
inner man.
Mr. GINNELL, M.P., is responsible for the statement that "bringing
an action against the police in Ireland is like bringing one against
Satan in hell." The chief obstacle in the latter case is of course the
total absence of learned counsel in that locality.
* * *
The KAISER, it appears, has lost no time in commiserating with his
troops on their magnificent victory at Messines.
* * *
The title which Mr. JOHN HASSALL wrote under one of his sketches
suggested the words for a song which has now been written. It is
only fair to the artist to say that he was not aware that his quite
innocent title would lead to this.
* * *
The National Service staff at St. Ermin's Hotel, Westminster, has been
reduced by half. It is now expected that the unemployed half will
volunteer for National Service.
* * *
Berlin announces that all through-lines in Germany are running. The
case of the HINDENBURG Line seems to be infectious.
* * *
"No cheese," says _The Evening News_, "has quite the bite of Cheddar."
At the same time, unless it wags its tail to show that it is friendly,
we feel that every cheese with a bite like that would be much safer if
muzzled.
* * *
Triplets were born in Manchester last week. The father is going on as
well as can be expected.
* * *
Complaint has been made by a member of the Hounslow Burial Committee
of courting couples occupying seats in the cemetery. The killjoy!
* * *
We can only suppose it was the hot weather that tempted a newsagent
correspondent to ask whether Lord NORTHCLIFFE had gone to America on
"sail or return."
* * *
Mr. BALFOUR, we are told, while staying at Washington, visited eleven
public buildings and interviewed nine representative Americans on one
day. There is some talk of his being elected an honorary American.
* * *
We wish to deny the foolish rumour that when he arrived in London
from his American tour and was asked if he had had a good voyage,
he remarked, "Sure thing, sonny. All the little Mister Congressmen
gathered around, and it suited your Uncle Dudley very nicely and some
more. Yep!"
* * *
An old lady was recently fined two pounds for putting out crumbs for
birds. Had the bread-crumbs been put outside, instead of inside, the
birds, no offence, it seems, would have been committed.
* * *
Newspapers in Germany may now be sold only to subscribers for one
month or more. A similar measure for England is opposed on the ground
that it would be most inadvisable to check the practice at present in
vogue among patriotic supporters of the Coalition Government of buying
_The Morning Post_ and _The Daily News_ on alternate days.
* * *
Bobbing for eels is being pursued with much enthusiasm on the Norfolk
Broads. Two-bobbing for haddocks in Kensington is sport enough for
most of us.
* * *
Large numbers of the German prisoners taken at Messines wore new boots
and new uniforms. Other improvements included a less ragged rendering
of the well-known recitation, "Kamerad!"
* * *
Asked what bait could be used for coarse fish, the late
FOOD-CONTROLLER suggested one "made from bran, with a limited quantity
of oatmeal." The correspondent has now written to inquire whether the
fish have been officially informed of the new diet.
* * *
Four shillings a hundredweight is being paid for old omnibus tickets,
but there are still a few people who use these vehicles for pleasure,
without any motive of gain.
=Suspended Animation.=
"LAUNDRY.--Girl to hang up and make herself useful."--_Liverpool
Echo_.
* * * * *
"For myself, I have very good reasons for not being in khaki. I
live on a farm near the Grand Falls of the St. John River. These
falls are second to Niagara in size and splendour, and attract
visitors from all over the country."--_Canadian Paper_.
He must have told the recruiting-officer that he was subject to
cataract.
* * * * *
=T.M.G.=
Farewell, my CONSTANTINE! A guardian navy
Facilitates your exit on the blue;
For Greece has been this long while in the gravy
And he that put her there was plainly you;
"TINO MUST GO!" was writ for all to see,
Or, briefly, "T.M.G."
Whither, dear Sir, do you propose to sally?
To Switzerland's recuperative air,
To sip condensed milk in a private chalet
Or pluck the lissom chamois from his lair,
Or on the summit of a neutral Alp
Recline your crownless scalp?
Or did you ask from him you love so dearly
A royal haven fenced from rude alarms,
Even though WILLIAM should reserve you merely
A bedroom at "The Hohenzollern Arms,"
Having for poor relations on the loose
No sort of further use?
Beware! I gather he might clasp his TINO
Only too warmly to his heaving chest,
Saying, "O how reward such merits? _We_ know!
Thou shalt command an Army in the West!
Yes, thou shalt bear upon the British Front
The pick of all the brunt."
Frankly, if I were you, I wouldn't chance it.
Fighting has never really been your forte;
Witness Larissa, and your rapid transit,
Chivied by slow foot-sloggers of the Porte;
Far better make for Denmark o'er the foam;
There is no place like home.
Try some ancestral palace, well-appointed;
For choice the one where _Hamlet_ nursed his spite,
Who found the times had grown a bit disjointed
And he was not the man to put 'em right;
And there consult on that enchanted shore
The ghosts of Elsinore.
O.S.
* * * * *
=LESSONS OF THE WAR.=
I.
(_Acting upon instructions received from the 3rd Self-help Division
the 9th Self-help Brigade issues its orders for a Raid._)
9TH SELF-HELP BRIGADE OPERATION ORDER No. 49.
_August 1st, 1920_.
Ref. Maps. LONDON 1/40000 shoot 27^d S.W. and (Special) 1/500
(BROADMEAD).
The 9th Self-help Brigade will carry out a Raid upon BROADMEAD
HOUSE, BROADMEAD SQUARE, W., on the night of 12/13 August.
The Raid will be carried out by the BILL SIKES and ROBIN HOOD
Battalions. The CHARLIE PEACE Bn. will be in close support, and the
DICK TURPIN Bn. in reserve.
The four sides of the house will be attacked simultaneously, the
BILL SIKES Bn. attacking with one Coy. each on the North and West, and
the ROBIN HOOD on the South and East.
The noise of entry will be covered by a barrage of street cries and
taxi whistles. "Q." will arrange.
Zero hour will be notified later.
The grounds and approaches will be reconnoitred thoroughly and as
many friends as possible made in the neighbourhood. Every opportunity
of reconnoitring the house itself, either through friendship or by
substitution for legitimate plumbers, window-cleaners, piano-tuners,
etc., will be taken.
The Brigades on the Right and Left will co-operate by starting a
street fight and a small fire respectively at some convenient distance
from the scene of operations.
At Zero _minus_ one hour, a cordon of outposts will be established
at a radius of 500 yards from the house, with strong points at the
street corners. "Q." will arrange for a supply of hedging-gloves.
The general scheme of approach will be on the lines as laid down in
the "Self-help Corps Standard Formation of Attack" (OK 340/CV/429).
Commanding Officers will submit a detailed scheme for the attack
(with sketch maps) not later than 4 P.M. on August 6th.
Mopping-up parties will be detailed to deal with all dug-outs
known to be occupied. Prisoners will not be taken, but undue roughness
is to be discouraged as likely to bring discredit upon the service.
Steps will be taken, however, to ensure the immediate, if temporary,
silence of the obstreperous. O.C. Chloroform will arrange.
The Dog emplacement at G 36 A 0.8 will be dealt with by the
Brigade Dog-fancier.
Brigade Cooks will be detailed in specified areas to act as decoys
for Policemen.
All information as to the plans, intentions, appearance, habits
and dispositions of inhabitants will be found in Appendix I. Some
good interior photographs of the house have been obtained by Corps
photographers acting as window-cleaners.
As foreshadowed in the Self-help Corps Intelligence Summary of
June 29th most of the family will be away at the seaside by the date
fixed for the Raid.
A teetotal Guard will be placed over all cellars.
Advanced Report Centre will be at G 25 D 93 ("The Peck and
Jackdaw").
A site for a forward dump will be chosen--preferably on the
BAYSWATER-BROADMEAD Road. "Q" will arrange.
Practice Raids will be carried out upon a model of the objective
which will be erected at the depot.
Parties detailed for Glass-cutting, Safe-opening, etc., etc., will
draw the necessary tools from the Main Dump at K 25 A on the 12th
inst. "Q" will arrange.
Dress: Fighting Order with Rubber Soles.
A non-committal hot meal (without onions) will be served to all
before starting. "Q" will arrange.
Results of the Raid will be collected and dumped at Advanced
Brigade dump at G 36 A. "Q" will arrange for necessary transport.
Distribution of proceeds will be made in accordance with G.R.O. 15.
"_G_" _Staff will arrange_.
Please acknowledge. _Issued at 5.15 P.M._
Copies to
Diary I.
Diary II., etc., etc.
* * * * *
"Detroit aldermen yesterday adopted a resolution asking for the
freedom of Ireland from British rule.
It is addressed to the president and was introduced by Alderman
Walsh.
Other Irish patriots eager for the freedom of Erin who did sign
the resolution were Jacob Guthard, William H.C. Hinkle, Joseph H.
Bahorski, Joseph A. Miotke, Anthony Nowe, Herman Zink, Charles
Braun, Charles A. Kocher, Oscar A. Dodt, John C. Bleil, Ralph G.
Mitter, Alexander Dill, John A. Kronk, Herman Schultz, Albert G.
Kunz, Frederick W. Wendell and Oscar Riopelle."
_Detroit Free Press_.
Your true Irish patriot doesn't mind what country he comes from.
=BLANCHE'S LETTERS.=
WAR FEVER.
_Park Lane_.
Dearest DAPHNE,--Juno ffarrington's wedding to the Oldcastles' boy,
Portcullis, the other day, quite the best done of Allotment Weddings
that are having a little vogue just now. Juno's white satin gown was
embroidered with mustard and cress and spring onions in their natural
colours, her veil was kept in place by a coronal of lettuce leaves,
and, instead of a Prayer-Book or a posy, she carried a little
ivory-and-silver spade. The effect was _absolutely!_ The 'maids had on
Olga's latest in Allotment Wedding frocks, carried out in potato-brown
charmeuse and cabbage-green chiffon; also they'd garden-hats, tied
under the chin with ribbon-grass and with a big cluster of radishes at
the left side, and each of them carried a bunch of small salad and a
darling little crystal-and-silver watering-pot (Portcullis's gifts).
The Duke of Southlands gave his daughter away, and Juno _insisted_ on
his wearing a smock-frock and carrying a trowel, and just as the dear
Bishop said, "Who giveth this woman?" the poor old darling dropped his
trowel with a crash and rather spoilt things.
The wedding-cake was a great big war loaf stuck with flags. Juno cut
it in old-fashioned style with Portcullis's sword. While we were doing
ourselves well with war-bread and margarine, boiled eggs and plenty of
champagne, the Controller of Wedding Breakfasts blew in (it's a new
post, and he's two hundred and fifty able-bodied young assistants).
He was curious to see what we were having, and cautioned us against
throwing any rice after our bride and 'groom. "But how absurd, you
ricky person!" chipped in Popsy, Lady Ramsgate, who, of course, is
Juno's great-aunt. "_We_ never throw rice at our wedding-people!
_That_'s only done by the outlying tribes of barbarians." It was a
pity she attracted
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