With Eyes Closed, Jason Miranda [most motivational books .TXT] 📗

With Eyes Closed...


An Intimate Tale By:
Jason Miranda


Regret...

“I love you.” You say in a tone that pierces the tongue before escaping your lips- twelve gauge. I've heard you say this so many times, but you mean it this time, just like last time.
'I don't much like needles.' I think to myself, so I ignore the words and close my eyes. You lay your head on my chest and all the lies burn a hole through my heart. So many promises, empty. But I suppose I can pretend, for now. It isn't hard. It just hurts sometimes.
I push the thought back and pull you closer. I run my finger down your naked back; cool soft skin shivers as I touch your spine. So this is what it's come to- feigning intimacy? You are an impostor and this is not your skin. I caress your neck and imagine what you really look like beneath your mask. A monster, pale and dead just like you left her. I remember the night, as clear as day through the scope.
She was so beautiful.
Like rain.
It was raining the night that you killed her. Torrents of needles pierced my skin as I stared in tear streaked horror at the brutality of the scene. It was cold and dark, and the sky was bleeding red with crimson. I bit back the urge to scream and you held the knife so tight your knuckles tensed white with fury. I wanted to scream so badly. I wanted to yell out, “Why? Why are you doing this? How could you destroy something so beautiful, so pure? Something meant to last forever!” But I couldn't. I was curious and they were right. My God, they were right. Just like the cat.
Regret
You didn't know that I was there, watching. You didn't know.
I didn't dare move... the ground was littered with broken twigs and autumn leaves so I knew any false step would have alarmed you. Would have stopped you. Oh, how I wanted you to stop; and yet no words would come. No pleas, no begging. I watched it happen and sat idly by.
I should have been the one, I know. I should have been there to say something, anything, that would make you stop hurting her, but I've said it all before. It changes nothing. This is what you wanted, what you've always wanted. I should have seen it in your eyes the day I met you and that horrible lie you told me- what you were capable of.
It wasn't hard to miss that night, the night that you stole her life. Even in the darkness I could see the twisted smile on your face. A smile that meant that it was all over, and everything was different now. I knew then that you were right. Things would never be the same because you loved what you were doing and secretly I did, too.
Regret.
This wasn't supposed to happen. No one was supposed to get hurt, remember? She never did anything to you. She was innocent, and lovely. You were the guilty one. The devil inside. Her color was a perfect shade of pink, full of passion and a purity you could never even touch, even then as you dug your spidery fingers into her wounds, desperate to feel what she had. I remember that I laughed then, slightly, because I knew that you couldn't come close to knowing, and you never will.
'I don't love you,' I whisper to my thoughts, 'I could never love you.' It was her that I loved. She was the one that I told and I meant it. She was the only one.
“What are you thinking about?” You ask me, and your scandalous eyes meet mine against the reflection of the tv screen. All I can see is the blade.
And the wounds.
So many. Every time you stabbed her you killed a small part of me as well. Did you know that? Did you even think about that at all? Did I cross your mind even once while you were hacking away our love?
I didn't think so.
“Nothing.” I reply, knowing how far from true it always is. All I do now is think. Why? How? What if? Where would we be if I had stopped all this from happening, or at the very least, tried to? Would you have still found a way? Would I still feel so small? Would your skin still feel so frozen against mine? I don't know. I'll never know.
Regret.
Your cold heart makes no sound as I kiss your breasts. This isn't real. It can't be real. You hover over me, biting and scratching my unwanting skin... it's quite unaffecting these days. I shiver in hidden revulsion as your body presses me tenderly and your hips tighten around my legs. If only you knew how disgusted I feel right now.
You don't want to know what I'm thinking and I could never tell you.
“You're lying. Tell me?” You smile, faking innocence. Pretending like I don't already know. You're not that convincing, no matter how hard you try to be just like her. You're not and I can see it, all too clearly. Your bright ocean blue eyes flicker with something like pure evil and I long to see her behind them, but it's just you again.
Perhaps, it's all a trick. Maybe you saw me there that night. Maybe you know I know, and now you're screwing with my mind. I just don't know. How could I ever know?
Regret.
I close my eyes again and I force myself to say, “I was thinking about you, hun. You're all I ever think about.” Which is true, but not how I meant for you to hear it.
“That's good.” You laugh. “Cause I think about you too, baby. All the time. I missed you.”
I miss her. More than anything. And I hate you for what you've done. “I missed you too.” We kiss and your lips burn mine, like poison. I lay my head back against the headrest and try to seem indifferent. Suddenly, a jolt of intense fear and pain and angst indescribable in words, runs through me. Why am I still here? Why do I put up with it all? I'm trapped and I can never forgive you for keeping me here. Maybe I should just go. Just leave, and see what happens to you. Maybe it would help if I saw you suffer as I've suffered. I would, but I have this aching feeling that you don't really need me here at all. That somehow it would bring you joy if I conceded and left, leaving you victorious in your efforts of keeping me from having her. From loving her. From being loved. Who knows? I don't.
Regret.

Deeper...

“I love you so much.” You say again and again, between each kiss. It feels like so long ago, and I swear since that night, every smile you've seen has been forced- false like the moon on the night you killed that poor girl. Painted crimson.
For some reason I can't help thinking this is all a dream.
I should have seen it coming. You came to me before with the culprit in your hands, and God, it was so appealing, even to me. So I gave in to you, and that look in your eyes. The pressure. Who knew they would be so right. Thank you, to all my peers.
I can't blame them. I promised it would never get this bad. Not so bad that it would hurt. Not so bad that it would change us. It was just for fun. Just to make things interesting.
Hell, I lied. We both lied. It was bad. I just kept pretending I couldn't see it..
But I saw it then, and the tears fell hard as the rain that night, washed away into a dark chasm in the ground. The same one you dug for her- six feet deep, a perfect little hole in the world.
Our world.
The forest was so dark and wet and I imagined it weeping for all the hurtful things you were doing in its midsts. “Look at all the reds!” You screamed, berating her with your knife. “Oh how I love autumn! The colors!” How can you be so cruel?
I guess, I can't say I didn't see it coming. I held my own, and you just became worse and worse, falling deeper and deeper into your precious little hole. You would have left me behind long ago if I hadn't held on so tight. I suppose I should be grateful.
At least we fell together.
But somewhere along the fall, I saw a future I never asked for, and I pulled away. I reached for something to help me back up, and I tried to take her with me. She couldn't hold on. Gravity had it's hold on her, and nature took it's course. There I was that night, watching you fall, and watching her die.
Falling...
Bleeding...
Falling...
Dying...
Falling...
Crash... into a million tiny pieces of broken trust.
I reluctantly looked down into that hole and I saw her mangled body, torn to pieces by the thrust of your hand, by the stroke of your knife. She didn't stand a chance. You were so much stronger than she felt at the time. I wish I hadn't let this happen. I wish I hadn't watched you take over. I wish I would have done something.
When you were finally finished and walking away so pleased with yourself, I remember snapping out of my trance and desperately crawling into the hole. Carefully I held her head in my arms. She looked up at me, crying, blood pouring from her mouth as she choked on her last words. I could just make them out through the thunderous rain crashing mercilessly around us. "I love you... I don't want to die. Help me, please."
And then nothing. The ocean in her eyes disappeared suddenly behind a deep black void, and I tried so hard to bring her back, but it was too late. I had failed her. The blood on my hands was mine to bear, just as much as it was yours.
You know, I can still taste it-the bitterness that clouded the air. It was almost as though the rain that fell was acidic in nature, burning through my clothes and skin. Still, it couldn't wash away the blood.
My tongue doubles back in