Fantastic Fables, Ambrose Bierce [best beach reads of all time .TXT] 📗

Contents:


The Moral Principle and the Material Interest

The Crimson Candle

The Blotted Escutcheon and the Soiled Ermine

The Ingenious Patriot

Two Kings

An Officer and a Thug

The Conscientious Official

How Leisure Came

The Moral Sentiment

The Politicians

The Thoughtful Warden

The Treasury and the Arms

The Christian Serpent

The Broom of the Temple

The Critics

The Foolish Woman

Father and Son

The Discontented Malefactor

A Call to Quit

The Man and the Lightning

The Lassoed Bear

The Ineffective Rooter

A Protagonist of Silver

The Holy Deacon

A Hasty Settlement

The Wooden Guns

The Reform School Board

The Poet's Doom

The Noser and the Note

The Cat and the King

The Literary Astronomer

The Lion and the Rattlesnake

The Man with No Enemies

The Alderman and the Raccoon

The Flying-Machine

The Angel's Tear

The City of Political Distinction

The Party Over There

The Poetess of Reform

The Unchanged Diplomatist

An Invitation

The Ashes of Madame Blavatsky

The Opossum of the Future

The Life-Savers

The Australian Grasshopper

The Pavior

The Tried Assassin

The Bumbo of Jiam

The Two Poets

The Thistles upon the Grave

The Shadow of the Leader

The Sagacious Rat

The Member and the Soap

Alarm and Pride

A Causeway

Two in Trouble

The Witch's Steed

The All Dog

The Farmer's Friend

Physicians Two

The Overlooked Factor

A Racial Parallel

The Honest Cadi

The Kangaroo and the Zebra

A Matter of Method

The Man of Principle

The Returned Californian

The Compassionate Physician

Two of the Damned

The Austere Governor

Religions of Error

The Penitent Elector

The Tail of the Sphinx

A Prophet of Evil

The Crew of the Life-boat

A Treaty of Peace

The Nightside of Character

The Faithful Cashier

The Circular Clew

The Devoted Widow

The Hardy Patriots

The Humble Peasant

The Various Delegation

The No Case

A Harmless Visitor

The Judge and the Rash Act

The Prerogative of Might

An Inflated Ambition

Rejected Services

The Power of the Scalawag

At Large--One Temper

The Seeker and the Sought

His Fly-Speck Majesty

The Pugilist's Diet

The Old Man and the Pupil

The Deceased and his Heirs

The Politicians and the Plunder

The Man and the Wart

The Divided Delegation

A Forfeited Right

Revenge

An Optimist

A Valuable Suggestion

Two Footpads

Equipped for Service

The Basking Cyclone

At the Pole

The Optimist and the Cynic

The Poet and the Editor

The Taken Hand

An Unspeakable Imbecile

A Needful War

The Mine Owner and the Jackass

The Dog and the Physician

The Party Manager and the Gentleman.

The Legislator and the Citizen

The Rainmaker

The Citizen and the Snakes

Fortune and the Fabulist

A Smiling Idol

Philosophers Three

The Boneless King

Uncalculating Zeal

A Transposition

The Honest Citizen

A Creaking Tail

Wasted Sweets

Six and One

The Sportsman and the Squirrel

The Fogy and the Sheik

At Heaven's Gate

The Catted Anarchist

The Honourable Member

The Expatriated Boss

An Inadequate Fee

The Judge and the Plaintiff

The Return of the Representative

A Statesman

Two Dogs

Three Recruits

The Mirror

Saint and Sinner

An Antidote

A Weary Echo

The Ingenious Blackmailer

A Talisman

The Ancient Order

A Fatal Disorder

The Massacre

A Ship and a Man

Congress and the People

The Justice and His Accuser

The Highwayman and the Traveller

The Policeman and the Citizen

The Writer and the Tramps

Two Politicians

The Fugitive Office

The Tyrant Frog

The Eligible Son-in-Law

The Statesman and the Horse

An AErophobe

The Thrift of Strength

The Good Government

The Life-Saver

The Man and the Bird

From the Minutes

Three of a Kind

The Fabulist and the Animals

A Revivalist Revived

The Debaters

Two of the Pious

The Desperate Object

The Appropriate Memorial

A Needless Labour

A Flourishing Industry

The Self-Made Monkey

The Patriot and the Banker

The Mourning Brothers

The Disinterested Arbiter

The Thief and the Honest Man

The Dutiful Son



Aesopus Emendatus

The Cat and the Youth

The Farmer and His Sons

Jupiter and the Baby Show

The Man and the Dog

The Cat and the Birds

Mercury and the Woodchopper

The Fox and the Grapes

The Penitent Thief

The Archer and the Eagle

Truth and the Traveller

The Wolf and the Lamb

The Lion and the Boar

The Grasshopper and the Ant

The Fisher and the Fished

The Farmer and the Fox

Dame Fortune and the Traveller

The Victor and the Victim

The Wolf and the Shepherds

The Goose and the Swan

The Lion, the Cock, and the Ass

The Snake and the Swallow

The Wolves and the Dogs

The Hen and the Vipers

A Seasonable Joke

The Lion and the Thorn

The Fawn and the Buck

The Kite, the Pigeons, and the Hawk

The Wolf and the Babe

The Wolf and the Ostrich

The Herdsman and the Lion

The Man and the Viper

The Man and the Eagle

The War-horse and the Miller

The Dog and the Reflection

The Man and the Fish-horn

The Hare and the Tortoise

Hercules and the Carter

The Lion and the Bull

The Man and his Goose

The Wolf and the Feeding Goat

Jupiter and the Birds

The Lion and the Mouse

The Old Man and his Sons

The Crab and his Son

The North Wind and the Sun

The Mountain and the Mouse

The Bellamy and the Members



Old Saws with New Teeth

The Wolf and the Crane

The Lion and the Mouse

The Hares and the Frogs

The Belly and the Members

The Piping Fisherman

The Ants and the Grasshopper

The Dog and His Reflection

The Lion, the Bear, and the Fox

The Ass and the Lion's Skin

The Ass and the Grasshoppers

The Wolf and the Lion

The Hare and the Tortoise

The Milkmaid and Her Bucket

King Log and King Stork

The Wolf Who Would Be a Lion

The Monkey and the Nuts

The Boys and the Frogs



The Moral Principle and the Material Interest . . .

A Moral Principle met a Material Interest on a bridge wide enough for but one.

"Down, you base thing!" thundered the Moral Principle, "and let me pass over you!"

The Material Interest merely looked in the other's eyes without saying anything.

"Ah," said the Moral Principle, hesitatingly, "let us draw lots to see which shall retire till the other has crossed."

The Material Interest maintained an unbroken silence and an unwavering stare.

"In order to avoid a conflict," the Moral Principle resumed, somewhat uneasily, "I shall myself lie down and let you walk over me."

Then the Material Interest found a tongue, and by a strange coincidence it was its own tongue. "I don't think you are very good walking," it said. "I am a little particular about what I have underfoot. Suppose you get off into the water."

It occurred that way.



The Crimson Candle

A man lying at the point of death called his wife to his bedside and said:

"I am about to leave you forever; give me, therefore, one last proof of your affection and fidelity, for, according to our holy religion, a married man seeking admittance at the gate of Heaven is required to swear that he has never defiled himself with an unworthy woman. In my desk you will find a crimson candle, which has been blessed by the High Priest and has a peculiar mystical significance. Swear to me that while it is in existence you will not remarry."

The Woman swore and the Man died. At the funeral the Woman stood at the head of the bier, holding a lighted crimson candle till it was wasted entirely away.



The Blotted Escutcheon and the Soiled Ermine

A Blotted Escutcheon, rising to a question of privilege, said:

"Mr. Speaker, I wish to hurl back an allegation and explain that the spots upon me are the natural markings of one who is a direct descendant of the sun and a spotted fawn. They come of no accident of character, but inhere in the divine order and constitution of things."

When the Blotted Escutcheon had resumed his seat a Soiled Ermine rose and said:

"Mr. Speaker, I have heard with profound attention and entire approval the explanation of the honourable member, and wish to offer a few remarks on my own behalf. I, too, have been foully calumniated by our ancient enemy, the Infamous Falsehood, and I wish to point out that I am made of the fur of the _Mustela maculata_, which is dirty from birth."



The Ingenious Patriot

Having obtained an audience of the King an Ingenious Patriot pulled a paper from his pocket, saying:

"May it please your Majesty, I have here a formula for constructing armour-plating which no gun can pierce. If these plates are adopted in the Royal Navy our warships will be invulnerable, and therefore invincible. Here, also, are reports of your Majesty's Ministers, attesting the value of the invention. I will part with my right in it for a million tumtums."

After examining the papers, the King put them away and promised him an order on the Lord High Treasurer of the Extortion Department for a million tumtums.

"And here," said the Ingenious Patriot, pulling another paper from another pocket, "are the working plans of a gun that I have invented, which will pierce that armour. Your Majesty's Royal Brother, the Emperor of Bang, is anxious to purchase it, but loyalty to your Majesty's throne and person constrains me to offer it first to your Majesty. The price is one million tumtums."

Having received the promise of another check, he thrust his hand into still another pocket, remarking:

"The price of the irresistible gun would have been much greater, your Majesty, but for the fact that its missiles can be so effectively averted by my peculiar method of treating the armour plates with a new--"

The King signed to the Great Head Factotum to approach.

"Search this man," he said, "and report how many pockets he has."

"Forty-three, Sire," said the Great Head Factotum, completing the scrutiny.

"May it please your Majesty," cried