Breathless, Morgan Brashear [top android ebook reader .TXT] 📗

She stood in front of her mirror paralyzed. Her peircing green eyes were frozen, doing nothing but staring into her own disappointing reflection, taking everything but the last breath in her lungs. She watched as tears filled her eyes. She held her breath, refusing to give the satisfaction of letting just once tear fall, refusing to let herself break down. She begged herself to just hold it all in, just for another minute. Gasping for air, she let go. One after the other tear hit the hardwood floor of her room and broke like glass into a million pieces.

Staring into her eyes, she fell to her knees in agony. Staring at her reflection killed her, which is why most of the time she avoided it. She would never be good enough. She would never be better than anyone, and she knew it. She knew it more than she knew that each day the sun would rise and fall. She believe it to her very core, to the point of where it made her heart hurt. She's never wanted anything more than to be enough. She wants someone to be proud of her. She needs someone to be proud of her. She needs to know that she's enough. She works so hard to try to be the best, to try to be enough, but she will never be. Nothing she does will ever be enough, and she knows it.

Every emotion hit her like a bus going 90 on the highway. At that point she didn't know if she wanted to laugh because of the irony of everything, cry because of the tragicness, or scream because of how pissed she is at the world. But out of everything she cried. It wasn't one of those whiney cries. She sat in the shadow of her own regrets and cried to the point of where she made no sounds, where she just gasped for air as the cold tears rolled down her cheeks. She sat there praying she could catch her breath long enough to stop each tear that raced after the other, but she couldn't.

She couldn't even remember why exactly she was crying. There were so many reasons, but for which was it this time? Maybe all of them. Maybe she held her breath for too long.

She could hardly breath. Every gasp for a breath that she did manage was excruciating. Clenching her chest with her fist, she just laid there. The cold wooden floor was soothing and after a couple of minutes she turned cold too.

Her satin brown hair scattered across the floor. Her chest heaved like she was taking her last breath. Tears still streamed down her cheeks like a never ending river, but she still laid silent. She struggled, trying so hard to keep it together. She was really good at keeping it together. She knew how to stay strong. She didn't know any other way, but at that point, the moment that she was at right there, she was tired of being strong. She had enough and she just needed a minute to feel sorry for herself. She needed a minute to be weak, because being weak wasn't an option for her. Crying wasn't okay and doing so right then and there made her feel even worse. She didn't think she had a right to cry.

"Brianna," A knock at the door startled her.

She sat up holding everything inside. She looked back into the mirror and took a deep breath as she closed her eyes.

"Yes?" She calmly answered.

"Are you okay?" It was her mother. Her voice wasn't concerned, but then again, why would she be?

"Yupp." Her reply was sinple, quick, so rehersed that it was almost like second nature. It wouldn't have mattered if she was lying on the floor in a pool of her own blood taking her last breath, she would still be fine.

After a couple seconds of silence her mother left.

As the sun slowly hid behind the horizon of pine trees, she began to realize she was alone with her thoughts again. What an awful way to be. Alone.

Brianna had a habit of recalling everything. Her head never gave her body a rest. She would lay in bed for hours, but still she would lay awake, recalling, reliving every wrong decision. She ran over every conversation and regretted everything she said, or didn't say for that matter. She would think about everything that was wrong with her life, but in the end she would convince herself that she was fine and that there was nothing wrong. Everything was fine. She would lay there and pick everything that was wrong with herself, with her body. Silently crying she would wonder what it would be like to be pretty, to be wanted. Then her mind would wonder into the future and she would see herself as nothing but a mistake. She would see a failure. She was a failure.

Her head was such an awful place to be.

Her mind would never stop. It would run constantly, never forgetting anything. She remembered everyone, every conversation, but no one would ever remember her. She understood that. She wasn't important. She knew that they had important things. She wasn't offeneded; she understood.

As the lgiht disappeard from her room, the darkness took over. Brianna would say she hated the night but actually she loved it. What she really hated was the onus that came with the darkness. The silence was okay. It was something that never came around in her house. Her house was everything but silent. The screaming. The fighting. Silence was on an entirely different planet.

As she laid there still, she wondered what it woudl be like if things were different. She wondered what she would be like if she was someone else. A thought that crossed her mind daily, yet she never had an answer. Maybe there wasn't an answer. Maybe she was too level headed to evne stretch her imagination that far. Maybe things will never be different. Maybe she will always never be enough. Always a second late. Always a step behind. Always second string. Always on the side lines. Maybe things will never change. Maybe this is what she was meant to be.

Brianna laid lifeless as her mind ran amuck. The slow shadow of her overhead fan slowly appeared and disappeared with every rotation. The quiet buzzing was soothing, almost like a lullaby. As she watched each blade take its turn the sun shined through her window showing each and every little dust particle. She watched as the darkness was slowly swallowed by the bright rays of sun shining through her window. Another day. Another night passed without once hour of sleep. Another deep breath. Another pep talk to get her out of bed, but she did it. She always did it.

She laid there for a second knowing that she had to get up, but lacking even an ounce of motivation. Each morning was like this. Each morning was a constant struggle to muster up the strength to get up and face another day knowing its going to be the same shit each time.

Her brothers voice screamed from the hallway. There her mother and one of her youngest brothers stood for ten minutes arguing, just like everyday. Its always the same thing too. Even though he's fifteen she had babied him to the point of where he can't even keep track of his own clothes. But hey, why would he when she does everything for him?

"Where's my shirt?" He screamed with tears strolling down his face.

"On your floor where you left it!" She yelled back.

Brianna stood to her feet and took a deep breath. She toned them out and thought to herself for a moment. In that moment the whole world was a blur. Her head was silent and time stood still.

Its just one more day. Its just one more thing. Take a breath. You can do this. You will get through this.

She gave herself the same speech everyday, but it never got any better. Even when one day seems like its going good, a brick lands right on her head and knocks her back down where she's supposed to be. She could never catch a break. It sometimes got to the point of where she actually convinced herself that she didn't deserve one.

She reached out her shakey hand and grabbed her bag for school. After slowly opening her door she heard all of the fighting and screaming amplified by a hundred.

"Breath." She whispered to herself quietly while taking a deep breath.

She continued pass their confortation and down stairs and out the door. As she opened the front door a gust of cool fall air burst into her face almost giving her goosebumps. A smile appeared on her face. It was slight, but still a smile. The smell of rian filled her nose, and in that moment her world turned into a blur again and it was just her. The screams of her brother and mother turned into just a subtle whisper in the back of her mind, and in that moment everything was okay. The scent over took her every emotion and for a slight second she was happy. The tree's across the street swayed and swerved with the quiet wind. The subtle husshhh noises were soothing. She wished she could bottle that moment and feel like that forever, like nothing mattered but that scent.

Her happy little bubble was suddenly popped when two of her youngest brothers raced out in front of each other and pushed her on their way to the bus. She shook it off and was on her way to school.

Once there she went to her first period class, History. She walked to the back of the room and took her usual seat next to Katie and Jordan. They were hunched over each others desks gosiping about the new girl.

Brianna took her seat and sat quietly. She wasn't usually too quiet, but sometimes she just doesn't feel like talking. She had good friends though. They understood.

"Hey." Jordan smiled. Her pitch black hair was highlighted with red, making her brown eyes really pop.

"Hi." Brianna smiled, pulling her hair behind her ears.

"You alright?" Her voice was soft, comforting.

"Just tired." Brianna smiled. Before Jordan could even reply Katie interrupted.

"So, Bri, you heading down to the lake tonight?" Katie asked.

"For what?"

"Josh is throwing a party. Should be fun." She grinned.

"I, uh, have a lot of barn chores."

"Oh, come on!" Jordan nudged her arm. "Live a little."

Brianna got quiet. She wanted to live. She wanted to have fun. She didn't like being a kill joy. She didn't like never doing anything.

"I'll ask when I get home." Brianna gave a slight smile.

"Great!" Katie shouted. "Its gonna be great!"

"I'll pick you up at nine?" Jordan asked.

"Yeah, that'll work, but I still have to ask."

"Okay, just let me know."

Brianna liked Jordan. She was one of her closest friends, always has been. Jordan has always been there for Brianna. She accepted her. She wasn't like the others who made Brianna pretend she was happy. Jordan let her be, and thats all that Brianna needed.

After the bell rang Jordan caught up to Brianna in the hallway. She just walked next to her for a while. Brianna could tell she wanted to say something but she didn't.

 "You need something, Jor?" Brianna smiled.

"You just seem a little off, thats all." She confessed.

"I'm fine." Brianna assured her.

"You're always fine." Jordan said in a slightly quieter voice.

"Whats that supposed to mean?" They both entered the science room and took their seat.

"Its okay not to be okay."

"Jordan, don't worry about it." Brianna gave a genuine looking smile. Jordan wasn't convinced but dropped it anyway.

"Can I come over after school?" She finally spoke up.

 "Yeah." Brianna nodded. "Why are you acting so weird?"

"I'm not." Jordan laughed.

"Yeah, you are." Bri nudged her arm. "Is everything okay? Are you okay?"

"I've