The Magic Pudding, Norman Lindsay [read novel full txt] 📗

'Tut, tut, Sir Benjimen,' said Bill, 'stir up your memory, sir; cast your eye over them felons in the dock, and tell the Court how you seen them steal the bag.'

'The fact is,' said Benjimen, after studying the puddin'-thieves carefully, 'as they had their backs turned to me when they were engaged in stealing the bag, I should be able to judge better if they were turned round.'

'Officer,' said Bill to Bunyip Bluegum, 'kindly turn the felons' backs to the witness.'

The Possum and the Wombat objected, saying there wasn't room enough in the witness-box to turn round, so it was found necessary to twist their snouts the opposite way.

'From this aspect,' said Ben, 'I have no hesitation in saying that those are the backs that stole the bags.'

'Make a note of that, Gentlemen of the Jury,' said Bill, and the Constable obligingly made a note of it on his banana bag.[Pg 125]

'The identity of the bag-stealers bein' now settled,' went on Bill, 'I shall kindly ask Sir Benjimen to step down, and call on Sir Samuel Sawnoff to ascend the witness-box.'

Sam stepped up cheerfully, but, as the witness-box was the wrong size for Penguins, they had to hand him a chair to stand on.

'Now, Sir Samuel,' said Bill, impressively, 'I am about to ask you a most important leadin' question.[Pg 126] Do you happen to notice such a thing as a Puddin' in the precinks of the Court?'

Sam shaded his eyes with his flapper and, seeing the Puddin' on the bench, started back dramatically.

'Do my eyes deceive me, or is yon object a Puddin'?' he cried.[Pg 127]

'Well acted,' said the Mayor, and the Constable clapped loudly.

'I am now about to ask you another leadin' question,' said Bill. 'Do you recognize that Puddin'?'

'Do I recognize that Puddin'?' cried Sam in thrilling tones. 'That Puddin', sir, is dearer to me than an Uncle. That Puddin', sir, an' me has registered vows of eternal friendship and esteem.

'That Puddin', sir, an' me have sailed the seas,
Known tropic suns, and braved the Arctic breeze,
We've heard on Popocatepetl's peak
The savage Tom-Tom sharpenin' of his beak,
We've served the dreadful Jim-Jam up on toast,
When shipwrecked off the Coromandel coast,
And when we heard the frightful Bim-Bam rave,
Have plunged beneath the Salonican wave.
We've delved for Bulbuls' eggs on coral strands,
And chased the Pompeydon in distant lands.
That Puddin', sir, and me, has, back to back,
Withstood the fearful Rumty Tums' attack,[Pg 128]
And swum the Indian Ocean for our lives,
Pursued by Oysters, armed with oyster knives.
Let me but say, e'er these adventures cloy,
I've knowed that Puddin' since he were a boy.'

'All lies,' sang out the Puddin', looking over the rim of his basin. 'For well you know that you and old Bill Barnacle collared me off Curry and Rice after rolling him off the iceberg.'

'Albert, Albert,' said Bill, sternly. 'Where's your manners: interruptin' Sir Samuel in that rude way, and him a-performin' like an actor for your deliverance!'

'How much longer do you expect me to stay up here, bein' guzzled by these legal land-crabs?' demanded the Puddin'.

'You shall stay there, Albert, till the case is well and truly tried by these here noble Peers of the Realm assembled,' said Bill, impressively.

'Too much style about you,' said the Puddin', rudely, and he threw the Judge's glass of port into Bill's face, remarking: 'Take that, for being a pumpkin-headed old shellback.'

There was a great uproar over this very illegal act. The Judge was enraged at losing his port, and the Mayor was filled with horror because Bill wiped his face on the mayoral hat. Sam had to feign amazement[Pg 129] at being called a liar, and the puddin'-thieves kept shouting: 'Time, time; we can't stand here all day.'

In desperation, Bill bawled at the top of his voice: 'I call on Detective Bluegum to restore order in the Court.'

Bunyip ran into the witness-box and, with a ready wit, shouted: 'I have dreadful news to impart to this honourable Court.'

All eyes, of course, turned on Bunyip, who, raising his hand with an impressive gesture, said in thrilling[Pg 130] tones: 'From information received, it has been discovered that the Puddin' was poisoned at ten-thirty this morning.'

This news restored order at once. The Judge turned pale as lard, and the Usher, having a darker complexion, turned as pale as soap. The Puddin' couldn't turn pale, so he let out a howl of terror.

'Poisoned,' said the Usher, feebly. 'How, how?'

'Poisoned,' said the Judge, feeling his stomach with trembling hands. 'Until this moment I was under the delusion that a somewhat unpleasant sensation of being, as it were, distended, was merely due to having eaten seven slices. But if—'

'If,' said the Usher, in a quavering voice[Pg 131]—

'If you take a poisoned Puddin'
And that poisoned Puddin' chew
The sensations that you suffer
I should rather say were due
To the poison in the Puddin'
In the act of Poisoning You.
And I think the fact suffices
Through this dreadfulest of crimes,
As you've eaten seven slices
You've been poisoned seven times.'

'It was your idea having it up on the bench,' said the Judge, angrily, to the Usher. 'Now,

'If what you say is true,
That idea you'll sadly rue,
The poison I have eaten is entirely due to you.
It's by taking your advice
That I've had my seventh slice,
So I'll tell you what I'll do
Why, I'll beat you black and blue,'

and with that he hit the Usher a smart crack on the head with a port bottle.

'Don't strike a poisoned man,' shouted the Usher; but the Judge went on smacking and cracking him with the bottle, singing—

'The emotion of pity
Need never be sought
In a Judge who's been poisoned
By Puddin' and Port.'

In desperation, the Usher leapt off the bench, and landed head first in the dock, where he stuck like a sardine.[Pg 132]

'Too bad, too bad,' shouted the puddin'-thieves. 'Crowding in here where there's only room for two.' Before they could get rid of the Usher, the Judge bounded over the bench and commenced whacking them with the bottle, singing—

'As I find great satisfaction
Hitting anybody who
Can offer that distraction,
Why, I'll have a go at you,'
[Pg 133]

and he went on bounding and whacking away with the bottle, while the puddin'-thieves kept roaring, and the Usher kept screaming. The uproar was deafening.

'Just listen to it,' said Bill, in despair. 'I'd like to know how on earth we are going to finish the case with all this umptydoodle rumpus going on.'

'Why,' said Bunyip, 'the simpler course is not to finish the case at all.'

'Solved, as usual,' said Bill and, seizing the Puddin' from the bench, he dashed out of Court, followed by Sam, Ben, and Bunyip Bluegum.

As they ran they could hear the Judge still whacking away at everybody, including the Mayor, and the Constable, whose screams were piercing. 'Indeed,' said Bunyip—

'I rather think they'll rather rue
The haste with which they sought to sue
Us, in the Court of Tooraloo.
For, mark how just is Fate!

'The whole benighted, blooming crew,
The Puddin'-thieves, the Usher too,
Are being beaten black and blue
With bottles on the pate.

'I rather think they will eschew,
In future, Puddin'-owners who
Pass through the simple rural view
About the town of Tooraloo.'

'And now,' said Bill, when they had run a mile or two beyond the town, 'and now for some brilliant plan, swiftly conceived, which will put a stop to this Puddin'-snatchin' business for ever. For the point is,' continued Bill, lowering his voice, 'here we are pretty close up to the end of the book, and something will have to be[Pg 134] done in a Tremendous Hurry, or else we'll be cut off short by the cover.'

'The solution is perfectly simple,' said Bunyip. 'We have merely to stop wandering along the road, and the story will stop wandering through the book. This, too, will baffle the puddin'-thieves, for while we wander along the road, our Puddin' is exposed to the covetous glances of every passing puddin'-snatcher. Let us, then, remove to some safe, secluded spot and settle down to a life of gaiety, dance, and song, where no puddin'-thief will dare to show a sacrilegious head. Let us, in fact, build a house in a tree. For, mark the advantages of such a habitation—

'Up on high
No neighbours pry
In at the window,
On the sly.

'Up in a tree
You're always free
From bores and bailiffs,
You'll agree.

'Up on high
Bricks you shy
At bores and bailiffs
Passing by.

'Up in the leaves
One never grieves
Over the pranks
Of puddin'-thieves.

'If you would be
Gay and free,
Take my tip

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