The Magic Pudding, Norman Lindsay [read novel full txt] 📗
- Author: Norman Lindsay
Book online «The Magic Pudding, Norman Lindsay [read novel full txt] 📗». Author Norman Lindsay
'This is most important information,' said Bill. 'It proves this must be the very bag they stole. In what direction did the scoundrels go, friend, after stealing your bag?'
'As I was engaged at the moment feeding the parsnips, I didn't happen to notice,' said Benjimen. 'But at this season puddin'-thieves generally go south-east, owing to the price of onions.'
'In that case,' said Bill, 'we shall take a course north-west, for it's my belief that havin' stolen our Puddin' they'll make back to winter quarters.'
'We will pursue to the north-west with the utmost vigour,' said Bunyip.
'Swearin' never to give in till revenge has been inflicted and our Puddin' restored to us,' said Bill.
'In order to exacerbate our just anger,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'let us sing as we go—
THE PUDDIN'-OWNERS' QUEST[Pg 86]
In a terrible rage we run;
With never a rest we run north-west
Till our terrible work is done.
Without delay
Away, away,
In a terrible rage we run all day.
That vengeance is our work;
For we seek the nest with terrible zest
Where the puddin'-snatchers lurk.
With rage, with gloom,
With fret and fume,
We seek the puddin'-snatchers' doom.'
[Pg 87]
They ran north-west for two hours without seeing a sign of the puddin'-thieves. Benjimen ran with them to exact revenge for the theft of his bag. It was hot work running, and having no Puddin' they couldn't have lunch, but Benjimen very generously handed eggs all round again.
'Eggs is all very well,' said Bill, eating them in despair, 'but they don't come up to Puddin' as a regular diet, and all I can say is, that if that Puddin' ain't restored soon I shall go mad with grief.'
'I shall go mad with rage,' said Sam, and they both sang loudly—
It doesn't matter whether;
Our Puddin's left this earthly stage,
So in despair we must engage
To both go mad together.'
'I have a suggestion to make,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'which will at once restore your wonted good-humour. Observe me.'
He looked about till he found a piece of board, and wrote this notice on it with his fountain pen—
A GRAND PROCESSION OFTHE AMALGAMATED SOCIETY OF
PUDDINGS WILL PASS HERE
AT 2.30 TO-DAY
This he hung on a tree. 'Now,' said he, 'all that remains to be done is to hide behind this bush. The news of the procession will spread like wildfire through the district, and the puddin'-thieves, unable to resist such a spectacle, will come hurrying to view the procession. The rest will be simply a matter of springing out on them like lions.'[Pg 88]
'Superbly reasoned,' said Bill, grasping Bunyip by the hand.
They all hid behind the bush and a crow, who happened to be passing, read the sign and flew off at once to spread the news through the district.
In fifteen minutes, by Bill's watch, the puddin'-thieves came running down the road, and took up a position on a stump to watch the procession. They had evidently been disturbed in the very act of eating[Pg 89] Puddin', for the Possum was still masticating a mouthful; and the Wombat had stuck the Puddin' in his hat, and put his hat on his head, which clearly proved him[Pg 90] to be a very ill-bred fellow, for in good society wearing puddin's on the head is hardly ever done.
[Pg 91]
Bill and Sam, who were like bloodhounds straining at the leash, sprang out and confronted the scoundrels, while Bunyip and Ben got behind in order to cut off their retreat.
'We've got you at last,' said Bill, sparring up at the Possum with the fiercest activity. 'Out with our Puddin', or prepare for a punch on the snout.'
The Possum turned pale and the Wombat hastily got behind him.
'Puddin',' said the Possum, acting amazement. 'What strange request is this?'
'What means this strange request?' asked the Wombat.
'No bungfoodlin',' said Bill sternly. 'Produce the Puddin' or prepare for death.'
[Pg 92]
'Before bringing accusations,' said the Possum, 'prove where the Puddin' is.'
'It's under that feller's hat,' roared Bill, pointing at the Wombat.
'Prove it,' said the Wombat.
'You can't wear hats that high, without there's puddin's under them,' said Bill.
'That's not puddin's,' said the Possum; 'that's ventilation. He wears his hat like that to keep his brain cool.'
'Very well,' said Bill. 'I call on Ben Brandysnap, as an independent witness whose bag has been stolen, to prove what's under that hat.'
Ben put on his spectacles in order to study the Wombat carefully, and gravely pronounced this judgement—
Stuck up like that
You remark with some surprise,
"Has he been to a shop,
And bought for his top
A hat of the largest size?"
As you note the way
He wears it like a wreath,
"It cannot be fat
That bulges his hat;
He's got something underneath."
It's a Puddin' he's got
Can only be settled by lifting his pot.
Or by taking a stick,
A stone or a brick,
And hitting him hard on the head with it quick.[Pg 93]
If he yells, you hit fat,
If he doesn't, well that
Will prove it's a Puddin' that's under his hat.'
'Now are you satisfied?' asked Bill, and they all shouted—
Just listen to that;
He knows the way
To bell the cat.
You'd better obey
His judgement pat,
Remove the hat;
It's tit-for-tat,
We tell you flat,
You'll find it pay
To lift your hat.
Remove that hat, or else we'll do it faw yer.'
'No, no,' said the Possum, shaking his head. 'No removing people's hats. Removing hats is larceny, and you'll get six months for it.'
'No bashing heads, either,' said the Wombat. 'That's manslaughter, and we'll have you hung for it.'
Bill scratched his head. 'This is an unforeseen predicament,' he said. 'Just mind them puddin'-thieves a minute, Ben, while we has a word in private.' He took Sam and Bunyip aside, and almost gave way to despair. 'What a frightful situation,' wailed he. 'We can't unlawfully take a puddin'-thief's hat off, and while it remains on who's to prove our Puddin's under it? This is one of the worst things that's happened to Sam and me for years.'[Pg 94]
'It's worse than being chased by wart-hogs,' said Sam.
'It's worse than rolling off a cowshed,' said Bill.
'It's worse than wearing soup tureens for hats,' said Sam.
'It's almost as bad as swallowing thistle buttons,' said Bill, and both sang loudly—
Pursued by Polar bears;
It's worse than being caught at night
By lions in their lairs.
They play from night till morn;
It's worse than having large-sized men
A-standing on your corn.
Tread on a silent cat,
To have a puddin'-snatcher who
Will not remove his hat.'
'All is not yet lost,' said Bunyip Bluegum. 'Without reverting to violent measures, I will engage to have the hat removed.'
'You will?' exclaimed Bill, grasping Bunyip by the hand.
'I will,' said Bunyip firmly. 'All I ask is that you strike a dignified attitude in the presence of these scoundrels, and, at a given word, follow my example.'
They all struck a dignified attitude in front of the puddin'-thieves, and Bunyip Bluegum, raising his hat, struck up the National Anthem, the others joining in with superb effect.
'Hats off in honour to our King,' shouted Bill, and off came all the hats. The puddin'-thieves, of course,[Pg 95] were helpless. The Wombat had to take his hat off, or prove himself disloyal, and there was Puddin' sitting on his head.
'Now who's a liar?' shouted Bill, hitting the Possum a swinging blow on the snout, while Sam gave the Wombat one of his famous over-arm flip flaps that knocked all the wind out of him. The Wombat tried to escape punishment by shouting, 'Never strike a man with a Puddin' on his head'; but, now that their guilt was proved, Bill and Sam were utterly remorseless, and gave the puddin'-thieves such a trouncing that their shrieks pierced the firmament. When this had been done, all hands gave them an extra thumping in the interests of common morality. Eggs were rubbed in their hair by Benjimen, and Bill and Sam attended to the beating and snout-bending, while Bunyip did the reciting. Standing on a stump, he declaimed[Pg 96]—
In common, vulgar thumping;
To higher motives we appeal—
It is to teach you not to steal,
Your head we now are bumping.
You need not go on pumping
Appeals for kinder dealing,
We like to watch you jumping,
We like to hear you squealing.
We rather think this thumping
Will take a bit of healing.[Pg 97]
We hope these blows upon the nose,
These bended snouts, these tramped-on toes,
These pains that you are feeling
The truth will be revealing
How wrong is puddin'-stealing.'
Then, with great solemnity, he recited the following fine moral lesson—
Quite lost to noble feeling,
Spent all his days, and nights as well,
In constant puddin'-stealing.
He knew no moderation;
He stole the coarse, he stole the rare,
He stole without cessation.
[Pg 98]
That housewives in a rage hid;
He stole the infant's Puddin' too,
The Puddin' of the aged.
Into his clutches stealthy;
He stole the Puddin' of the poor,
The Puddin' of the wealthy.
Intent on puddin'-stealing,
When he beheld a hidden light
A secret room revealing.
With eyes like coals a-glowing,
Whose frightful whiskers over-ran
His face, like weeds a-blowing;
A sight to set you quaking,
With pot and pan and curse and ban,
Began a Puddin' making.
[Pg 99]
A carrot and some nails-O!
A lobster's claws, the knobs off doors,
An onion and some snails-O!
A pint
Comments (0)