somewhere on my way, Anna N. Schnieden [best summer reads TXT] 📗

thank Ms. Goody, Mr. Cross, Professor Daddy, Moonlight, Moonlight’s grandmother and the others whom I met on my path. Sorry, God, I was too busy, thank you to those people who cared for me!

 

Well, the mother had a point according to our culture, but I decided to be a slut. Moonlight and I found an apartment near the center of Bangkok City, nice place for someone who likes carbon dioxide. The apartment was nicer and more comfortable than the first one, and the embassy, where Moonlight worked, was not far, neither was

 

 

my new office. Ms. Goody lent me her car for a day and thanks to Mr. Gas, my classmate, who hired me to drive his car. Without those years of driving practice, Moonlight and I would have slept over in Ms. Goody’s car…fucking traffic! After we finished moving, we went back to Ms. Goody’s place and had dinner with her. I was joking about the conversation of my becoming a slut.

 

“Do I have to wait for…3 months or 6 months to become an official slut?” Me.

 

 

“Well, Dolly! We moved out already. According to the culture, we are officially sluts.” Moonlight.

 

“Alright, you two. Stop the irony and listen to me. That isn’t funny and you know better. Don’t…what do you like to say? Oh, shit…ah. Ok, don’t shit on yourself. Do you get it? Don’t answer me. Think! What did a reckless father give you…somewhat?…Disconsolation? And what did the reckless father do to your mother? Maybe, before you’re born, some complication happened. And somehow, you’re the constant reminder of her failure. Sweetheart, forgiving is a laborious task when we have to forgive our family who failed to love us. However, I want you both to try.” Ms. Goody.

 

I was not sure if I could understand what Ms. Goody said because it was a sort of a Charlotte's Web…for me, however, I was thinking I needed to find some understanding, but how did someone like me who did not have parents or guardians or guardian angels, not even a fairy godmother, understand…this shit? The only thing I had was my doll’s head with unwelcome residents inside…Mr. Lunatic and Ms.

Conscience!! So, I told myself, “Use them wisely.”

 

 

I decided to dedicate myself to finding some real answers and the questions were

(1) how to be a human, (2) how to love, and (3) how to believe. I needed to discover as much as I could by using the same theory I had been taught in med school: “Sometimes science asks for forgiveness then asks for permission!” So, all the way up and down in this world, I was not sure, if I got…things right!

 

 

First day at my new…elegant…classy office…it was on floor 26 of the highest building in Thailand at the time. Oh, the building had 49 floors! I was looking down from my office, thinking, “Good thing, I don’t have Acrophobia.” But, before my thoughts could travel, a girl who worked in office management was at my office door, informing me that my “New boss, old friend” needed to see me, ASAP.

 

“Ah! There you are. Enjoying the view? It’s only good for one thing. Do you know, what it is?” Ms. No Water.

 

“Committing suicide.” Me.

 

 

“Oh, I was going to the flood! All right. Work and work shall we? The engineers, they’re floor 27 and the modelers are on floor 25. The idiot bosses and the foremen are on floor 28. The foremen, they’re not smart. Don't hold on to them. And that is why the bosses like to keep them close. We've got 3 designers, including you, but one has just got kicked out. You have a one-year contract right now. After that, we'll decide to keep you…or you'll run away! Any questions? No! Good. Here's your first project. Good luck!! I was told that you are…somewhat insane?” Ms. No Water.

 

“???? Well…Ms. No Water, I have PTSD, OCD, and possibly autism. Oh, and I’m a slut. Just got it last week!” Me.

 

“Haaaaaa you are the right person for this project! Oh, by the way, we’re short a designer right now. And Mr. Dum, your new neighbour, is not very good with the living. Last time, he turned a 5 star hotel into a “Hotel of Steel.” You’re going to be popular! Yahooooo!” Ms. No Water.

 

Just like Professor Daddy said, “Big Shit.”

 

 

The project was simple…really, after I sat in a house that was full of Chinese…Pigs? Bone China…? And some models of…so many Chinese Buddha sculptures! I was listening to Mr. and Mrs. Believer about their new home, my project, and it sounded so elementary until...

 

 

“We have 4 children. They were born in different years. These are the instructions from our fortuneteller.” Mrs. Believer.

 

That was jumped me, the instructions of a fortuneteller? O...k! According to the fortuneteller’s manual, Mr. Believer was born in a pig zodiac, therefore he needed to sleep with his head facing 380 degrees northwest, and there were 9 family members, each with different zodiacs! Furthermore, everyone who worked for the Believer Project needed to consult with the family’s fortuneteller. Everyone who was born in a dog and a tiger zodiac was not allowed to work there because it brought Mr.

Believer…an inauspicious omen. I thought it was not going to be comfortable when he was sleeping. What if he moved his head out of the 380 degrees while he was sleeping? And I was not sure how Mr. and Mrs. Believer would do…with…hmmm “Bedtime…Stories” because he was a pig and she was a chicken? I had to inform everyone in my office, including my bosses. Turned out, Mr. Glass (new boss, old friend) was a tiger.

 

“Hey, boss. Haven’t seen you since I dropped my ass here!” Me.

 

 

“Hey boss, my ass! I haven’t seen you since you dropped your shit ass! Here, employees are looking for me! You’re not at Daddy’s office and I’m your fucking boss!” Mr. Glass.

 

“That’s why I’m here…ahhh hello! Just so you know…” Me, and a long story of the Believer Project.

 

“So, you’re not allowed at the job site. You get it?” Me.

 

 

“Ah, shit. You don’t have much discipline…do you? Well, that is my good news! Anything else I can help you with?” Mr. Glass.

 

“Ahm…yes, boss. I'm very curious, boss. How do Mr. and Mrs. Believer do the bedtime's stories? And what would happen during a bedtime story…clearly one has to get out of his or her bed…right? Hmm…do they need to ask permission from the family’s fortuneteller? Oh, and what about, a full moon or no moon?” Me.

 

 

“Get the hell out of my office!” Mr. Glass.

 

 

It was my first project for heaven’s sake! My job was to design the house, the interior, the exterior, and find an excellent builder…all in one, just like shampoo & conditioner with multivitamins. Oh, I survived the project, just like Ms. No Water said; I was the right person... Ha Ha. Most of my projects were always contrastive with the Universe somehow!

 

A respectful high society lady was sitting on her expensively decorative toilet…with me sitting on her bathroom floor, in front of her and her toilet. She kindly spread her legs for me so I could adjust an automatic bidet. That was not her fault it was the fault of the automatic toilet flusher and bidet! Well, clearly, she needed to adjust the bidet, but it was difficult for the lady to bend down, looking at her own ass…they should have designed its ability to see an ass-hole.

 

A super boxer who had won world championships wanted to create a room with…soft walls, so when he wanted to beat someone, he could punch the…magical, painless walls instead!

 

A 200-something-year-old building was curved at the front and narrowed down to its very end, at the back of the building. The owner was a newsmaker lawyer; he told me that he liked everything antique, except girls! Moreover, the building was for his new lawyer’s office and he loved to make all the walls inside as curved as possible. “Think of…or whatever it takes to make all the walls curve together with my antique collection!” he said. It took me a while to curve all that.

 

This one was…so cool. Ms. Freedom was an owner of a steel factory. The project was an interior design, a 30-million baht penthouse, which was supposed to be easy. She collected Disney toys, she loved trees, and she loved cocaine! She wanted her movable furniture’s surfaces to be made of glass for…cocaine purposes…with a hiding place for stocking drugs. She always invited me to inebriated parties. To be honest, I was drunk mostly during the project.

 

 

I was pretty much taking care of missing designer problem, I asked my bosses to hire more designers, but they could not find anyone at the time. Furthermore, Ms. No Water said, “Do you think it’s easy to find someone extremely ridiculous…like you???” That was beyond my comprehension and my exceptional contempt, so I said, “I don’t know what it means. But as far as this road goes, customers, builders, and all my bosses are psychopathic enthusiasts!!” So, she gave me a new project and a St. Bernard Dog Handbook.

 

Life sucks when it comes to love, that was what Moonlight said. She also said, “Love makes us feel ridiculous and comical! More importantly, it was rubbish when our happiness depended on somebody else entirely! Like a dog, waiting for a favourite TOY!” And that was Ms. Goodman's love theory as well. She was my customer, a large lady with large money, no children, and absolutely no husband. She also agreed with the love-philosophy of Ms. Moonlight! And that love theory sent me to my new project: a new home, which included 3 large bedrooms for Mini, Tiny, and Dwarf ...oh I forgot the word “Prince”…ok the giant…St…Prince…dogs, and trust me, you do not want to know the details!!!! I admired the rich…they were an outstanding visualization. LOVE ME…LOVE MY DOGS, P.S. the…princes needed nightlights and closets!

 

My bosses, they were….cool actually. The CEO was a mechanical engineer with a Ph.D., a super genius! Mr. Ok. He was not often seen because he was also the CEO of another company. I officially met him once and quite unofficially…

 

“Come in. I heard Mr. Glass had a new designer who breaks every rule and from the report of the office manager, your check-board was full of red flags. And you sleep here…sometimes.” Mr. Ok.

 

The check-board was a giant white, soft board, hanging in at the main entrance of the company’s building. A blue flag referred to on time, bright and shine; a yellow flag referred to just in time, lucky runner; and a red flag referred to mortification, too late. It did not actually affect me because I had my…times,

 

“With respect, Sir. Mr. Glass said, ‘Do whatever it takes to get the jobs done.’ And so far, my projects are (I wanted to say fucking nutty, but it was not a time and absolutely

 

 

not the right person) against all odds, Sir. You'd best not waste my time, Sir. I have a meeting with Mr. and Mrs. Believer's fortuneteller, consulting about installing toilets, Sir!” Me.

 

“They’re right about you. Well, I know it’s ‘fucking’ otherworldly, I mean Mr. Believer’s home and the office projects. I wanted to refuse, but it’s challenging. Don’t you think? Besides, our company is supposed to make these possibilities happen. That’s why they hire us and we hire you. I was told you’re super smart and super crazy. Well, anything I can do for you. Don’t hesitate.” Mr. Ok.

 

“Can I borrow 25,000 baht? I want to buy a beetle from Mr. J. If I have the beetle, it’d help me do my jobs faster!” Me. (Mr. J was an engineer at work.)

 

“What is wrong with the office’s cars?” Mr. Ok.

 

 

“They’re never here, Sir.” Me.

 

 

“Off you go. This is the first time that my employee borrows money from me, personally!” Mr. Ok.

 

“Oh…really?” Me.

 

 

I told Ms. No Water what Mr. Ok wanted and… again she made…“Wide mouth with full engine…of laughter!” Later that week, I got a black envelope, which was