Observations by Mr. Dooley, Finley Peter Dunne [literature books to read TXT] 📗

whin it seemed as though th' Spanish fleet wud not sink unless shot at, some kindly power was silently comfortin' us an' sayin' to itsilf: 'I do so hope they'll win, if they can.' But I don't know which wan it was.

"At first I thought it was England. Whiniver ye hear iv anny counthry helpin' us, ye think it is England. That's because England has helped us so much in th' past. Says Lord Cranburne in reply to a question in th' House iv Commons: 'I am reluctantly foorced be mesilf to blushin'ly admit that but f'r us, people on their way to China to-day wud be gettin' up an' lookin' over th' side iv th' ship an' sayin', "This is where America used to be." Whin war was first discussed, mesilf an' th' rest iv th' fam'ly met an' decided that unless prompt action was took, our cousins an' invistmints acrost th' sea wud be damaged beyond repair, so we cabled our ambassadure to go at wanst to th' White House an' inform th' prisidint that we wud regard th' war as a crool blot on civilization an' an offinse to th' intillygince iv mankind. I am glad to say our inthervintion was iffycacious. War was immeedjately declared. I will not tell ye how high our hearts beat as we r-read th' news fr'm day to day. Ye know. I will on'y say that we insthructed our ambassadure to do ivrything in his power to help our kinsmen an' he faithfully ixicuted his ordhers. He practically lived at th' White House durin' th' thryin' peeryod, an' his advice to th' prisidint such as: "If ye go on with this binnyficint war th' United Powers will knock ye'er head off," or "I think I can secure fav'rable terms fr'm th' Powers if ye will abdicate in favor iv a riprisintative iv th' house iv Bourbon an' cede New England to Spain," done more thin annything else to put heart into th' American foorces. I will add that durin' this time we was approached be an ambassadure iv wan iv th' powers who ast us to inthervene. I will not say which power it was, excipt that it was Austhrya-Hungary an' I'm previnted be th' obligations iv me office fr'm mintionin' what powers was behind th' move beyond hintin' that they was as follows: Germany, France, Rooshya, It'ly, China, Turkey, Monaco, San Marino, Boolgahrya, Montinaygro, Booloochistan an' Pershya. Pah's reply to th' ambassadure was: "I will do all I can" as he kicked him down stairs. It ill becomes me to say what else we done f'r that home iv freedom--an' hiven knows I wisht it'd stay there an' not be wandherin' over th' face iv th' wurruld--but I'm not proud iv me looks an' I will remark that Tiddy Rosenfelt was capably directed be th' iditors iv England, thim hearts iv oak, that th' American navy was advised be our mos' inargetic corryspondints an' that, to make th' raysult certain, we lint a few British gin'rals to th' Spanish. Cud frindship go farther? As they say in America: "I reckon, be gosh, not."'

"Well, whin I read this speech I was prepared to hang th' medal f'r savin' life on th' breasts iv th' hands acrost th' sea where there's always plinty iv hooks f'r medals. But th' nex' day, I picks up th' pa-aper an' sees that 'twas not England done it but Germany. Yes, sir, 'twas Germany. Germany was our on'y frind. They was a time whin it looked as though she was goin' to shoot at us to keep us fr'm th' consequences iv our rash act. They'se nawthin' Germany wudden't do for or to a frind. Yes, it was Germany. But it was France, too. La Belle France was there with a wurrud iv encouragemint an' a glance iv affection out iv her dark eyes that kep' growin' darker as th' war proceeded. An' it was Rooshya. Whin th' Czar heerd iv th' war, th' first thing he said was: 'I'm so sorry. Who is th' United States?' 'An' 'twas It'ly an' Booloochistan an' Boolgahrya an' even Spain. Spain was our frind till th' war was over. Thin she rounded on us an' sold us th' Ph'lippines.

"They was all our frinds an' yet on'y wan iv thim was our frind. How d'ye make it out, Hinnissy? Hogan has a sayin' that onaisy lies th' head that wears a crown, but it seems to be as aisy f'r some iv thim as f'r th' mos' dimmycratic American. But whoiver it was that saved us I'm thankful to thim. It won't do f'r ye to look at th' map an' say that th' pow'rful protictin' nation wud be hardly big enough f'r a watch charm f'r a man fr'm Texas, or that Europeen assistance f'r America is about as useful as a crutch f'r a foot-runner. But f'r th' inthervention iv our unknown frind, we'd've been annihilated. Th' powers wud've got together an' they wud've sint over a fleet that wud've been turrble if it didn't blow up an' th' crews didn't get sea-sick. They wud've sint an irresistible ar-rmy; an' fin'ly if all else failed, they wud rayfuse food. That's goin' to be th' unsixpicted blow iv anny war that th' parishes iv Europe wages again' us. They will decline to eat. They will turn back our wheat an' pork an' short rib sides. They'll starve us out. If left to their own resoorces, Europe cud outstarve America in a month."

"I'm not afraid iv thim," said Mr. Hennessy. "Whin I was a young man, I cud take a runnin' jump acrost Germany or France, an' as f'r England we'd hardly thrip over it in th' dark."

"Perhaps ye're right," said Mr. Dooley. "But if all thim gr-reat powers, as they say thimsilves, was f'r to attack us, d'ye know what I'd do? I'll tell ye. I'd blockade Armour an' Comp'ny an' th' wheat ilivators iv Minnysoty. F'r, Hinnissy, I tell ye, th' hand that rocks th' scales in th' grocery store, is th' hand that rules th' wurruld."


The Philippine Peace

"'Tis sthrange we don't hear much talk about th' Ph'lippeens," said Mr. Hennessy.

"Ye ought to go to Boston," said Mr. Dooley. "They talk about it there in their sleep. Th' raison it's not discussed annywhere else is that ivrything is perfectly quiet there. We don't talk about Ohio or Ioway or anny iv our other possissions because they'se nawthin' doin' in thim parts. Th' people ar-re goin' ahead, garnerin' th' products iv th' sile, sindin' their childher to school, worshipin' on Sundah in th' churches an' thankin' Hiven f'r th' blessin's iv free govermint an' th' pro-tiction iv th' flag above thim.

"So it is in th' Phi'lippeens. I know, f'r me frind Gov'nor Taft says so, an' they'se a man that undherstands con-tintmint whin he sees it. Ye can't thrust th' fellows that comes back fr'm th' jools iv th' Passyfic an' tells ye that things ar-re no betther thin they shud be undher th' shade iv th' cocoanut palm be th' blue wathers iv th' still lagoon. They mus' be satisfied with our rule. A man that isn't satisfied whin he's had enough is a glutton. They're satisfied an' happy an' slowly but surely they're acquirin' that love f'r th' govermint that floats over thim that will make thim good citizens without a vote or a right to thrile be jury. I know it. Guv'nor Taft says so.

"Says he: 'Th' Ph'lippeens as ye have been tol' be me young but speechful frind, Sinitor Bivridge, who was down there f'r tin minyits wanst an' spoke very highly an' at some lenth on th' beauties iv th' scenery, th' Ph'lippeens is wan or more iv th' beautiful jools in th' diadem iv our fair nation. Formerly our fair nation didn't care f'r jools, but done up her hair with side combs, but she's been abroad some since an' she come back with beautiful reddish goolden hair that a tiara looks well in an' that is betther f'r havin' a tiara. She is not as young as she was. Th' simple home-lovin' maiden that our fathers knew has disappeared an' in her place we find a Columbya, gintlemen, with machurer charms, a knowledge iv Euro-peen customs an' not averse to a cigareet. So we have pinned in her fair hair a diadem that sets off her beauty to advantage an' holds on th' front iv th' hair, an' th' mos' lovely pearl in this ornymint is thim sunny little isles iv th' Passyfic. They are almost too sunny f'r me. I had to come away.

"'To shift me language suddintly fr'm th' joolry counther an' th' boodore, I will say that nawthin' that has been said even be th' gifted an' scholarly sinitor, who so worthily fills part iv th' place wanst crowded be Hendricks an' McDonald, does justice to th' richness iv thim islands. They raise unknown quantities iv produce, none iv which forchnitly can come into this counthry. All th' riches iv Cathay, all th' wealth iv Ind, as Hogan says, wud look like a second morgedge on an Apache wickeyup compared with th' untold an' almost unmintionable products iv that gloryous domain. Me business kept me in Manila or I wud tell ye what they are. Besides some iv our lile subjects is gettin' to be good shots an' I didn't go down there f'r that purpose.

"'I turn to th' climate. It is simply hivenly. No other wurrud describes it. A white man who goes there seldom rayturns unless th' bereaved fam'ly insists. It is jus' right. In winter enough rain, in summer plinty iv heat. Gin'rally speakin' whin that thropical sky starts rainin' it doesn't stop till it's impty, so th' counthry is not subjected to th' sudden changes that afflict more northerly climes. Whin it rains it rains; whin it shines it shines. Th' wather frequently remains in th' air afther th' sun has been shinin' a month or more, th' earth bein' a little overcrowded with juice an' this gives th' atmosphere a certain cosiness that is indescribable. A light green mould grows on th' clothes an' is very becomin'. I met a man on th' boat comin' back who said 'twas th' finest winter climate in th' wurruld. He was be profission a rubber in a Turkish bath. As f'r th' summers they are delicious. Th' sun doesn't sit aloft above th' jools iv th' Passyfic. It comes down an' mingles with th' people. Ye have heard it said th' isles was kissed be th' sun. Perhaps bitten wud be a betther wurrud. But th' timprachoor is frequently modified be an eruption iv th' neighborin' volcanoes an' th' inthraduction iv American stoves. At night a coolin' breeze fr'm th' crather iv a volcano makes sleep possible in a hammock swung in th' ice-box. It is also very pleasant to be able to cuk wan's dinner within wan.

"'Passin' to th' pollytical situation, I will say it is good. Not perhaps as good as ye'ers or mine, but good. Ivry wanst in a while whin I think iv it, an iliction is held. Unforchnitly it usually happens that those ilicted have not yet surrindhered. In th' Ph'lippeens th' office seeks th' man, but as he is also pursooed be th' sojery, it is not always