Observations by Mr. Dooley, Finley Peter Dunne [literature books to read TXT] 📗

hock th' Watch on th' Rhine. (This here is an American joke. I'm gettin' on fast.) I'm goin' to be took to th' opry some night this week. They've fired a lot iv la-ads out iv their boxes to make room f'r me. Wan iv thim objected, but he was fired annyhow. Aftherward I'm goin' to ate dinner with th' iditors iv th' counthry. Won't that be nice? I suppose I'm th' first Hohnezollern that iver took dinner with an iditor, though our fam'ly has often given thim food an' lodgin'--in jail. I wish ye was here to go with me. Ye've had more journylistic expeeryence an' manny iv th' things ye've had printed wudden't seem too unthrue to th' other guests. Th' newspapers has been mos' kind to me, I might say almost too kind. I am sindin' ye a photygraft iv mesilf in me bath, took be flashlight be an iditor concealed on th' top iv th' clothes press, an' an interview be a lady rayporther who riprisinted hersilf as th' Queen iv Ohio.

"'But th' big ivint comes off tomorrah. I am actually invited to a dinner iv wan hundherd iv th' riprisintative business men iv New York an' a few Christyans ast in aftherward. Hooray, hooray! Mind ye, these ar-re not ordhn'ry business men. Far fr'm it. No one gets in unless he has made at laste eight millyion marks out iv th' sivinty millyion marks in this counthry. An' I'm ast to meet thim! What fun! I bet 'twill be jolly. I'm goin' to buy me a table f'r computin' inthrest, a copy iv th' naytional bankin' act an' a good account iv th' thransactions in sterlin' exchange f'r th' current year an' whin th' quip an' jest go round, I'll be no skeleton at th' feast.

"'Ye can see be this that me life has been almost too gay, but th' merrymint goes blithely on. Fr'm here I go to Bawstown where I expict to pat th' Bunker Hill monymint on th' head an' have a look at th' new railway station. Then I will take in Buffly, Cichago (pro-nounced Sichawgo), Saint Looey, Three Rapids, Idaho, Pinnsylvanya, an' mos' iv th' large cities iv th' west, includin' Chatahooga where wan iv th' gr-reat battles iv th' rivolution was fought between Gin'ral Sigel an' Gin'ral Zollycoffer. I ixpict to larn a good deal about th' steel, pork, corn, lard an' lithrachoor iv th' counthry befure I rayturn. But this buttherfly existence is killin' me. It is far too gay. I suppose whin I was younger, I wud've injyed it, but me time f'r socyal fistivities has passed an' I long f'r th' quiet iv home life among th' simple ryelties iv Europe. Ye'ers, Hinnery.'

"Yes, he's havin' a good time. But what th' pa-apers calls th' climax iv th' intertainmint will be reached whin he arrives in Chicago. Schwartzmeister an' I will rayceive him. Schwartzmeister's fam'ly knew his in th' ol' counthry. He had an uncle that was booted all th' way fr'm Sedan to Paris be a cousin iv th' Prince. We've arranged th' programme as far as Ar-rchey road is consarned. Monday mornin', visit to Kennedy's packin' house; afthernoon, Riordan's blacksmith shop; avenin', 'Th' Two Orphans,' at th' Halsted sthreet opry house. Choosdah, iliven A.M., inspiction iv th' rollin' mills ; afthernoon, visit to Feeney's coal yard; avenin', 'Bells iv Corneville,' at th' opry house. Winsdah mornin', tug ride on th' river fr'm Thirty-first sthreet to Law's coal yard; afthernoon, a call on th' tanneries, th' cable barn an' th' brick yards; avenin', dinner an' rayciption be th' retail saloonkeepers. There's th' whole programme. They may think in New York they are givin' him a good time but we'll show him what gayety ra-aly is, an' inform him iv th' foundation iv our supreemacy as a nation. That's what he wants to see an' we'll show it to him."

"Goowan," said Mr. Hennessy. "He don't know ye."

"I bet ye he knows me as much as he knows thim," said Mr. Dooley. "To a ra-ale prince, they can't be much diff'rence between a man who sells liquor be th' pail an' wan that sells it be th' distillery, between a man that makes a horseshoe an' wan that makes a mlllyion tons iv steel. We're all alike to him--Carnaygie, Rockyfellar, Morgan, Schwartzmeister an' me."

"Well, he certainly has been well rayceived," said Mr. Hennessy.

"I wondher," said Mr. Dooley, "if he thinks 'tis on th' square!"


Cuba vs. Beet Sugar

"What's all this about Cubia an' th' Ph'lippeens?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "What's beet sugar?"

"Th' throuble about Cubia is that she's free; th' throuble about beet sugar is we're not; an' th' throuble about th' Ph'lippeens is th' Ph'lippeen throuble," said Mr. Dooley. "As rega-ards Cubia, she's like a woman that th' whole neighborhood helps to divoorce fr'm a crool husband, but nivertheless a husband, an' a miserable home but a home, an' a small credit at th' grocery but a credit, an' thin whin she goes into th' dhressmakin' business, rayfuse to buy annything fr'm her because she's a divoorced woman. We freed Cubia but we didn't free annything she projooces. It wasn't her fault. We didn't think. We expicted that all we had to do was to go down to Sandago with a kinetoscope an' sthrike th' shackles fr'm th' slave an' she'd be comfortable even if she had no other protiction f'r her poor feet. We f'rgot about th' Beet. Most iv us niver thought about that beautiful but fragile flower excipt biled in conniction with pigs' feet or pickled in its own life juice. We didn't know that upon th' Beet hangs th' fate iv th' nation, th' hope iv th' future, th' permanence iv our instichoochions an' a lot iv other things akelly precious. Th' Beet is th' naytional anthem an', be hivins, it looks as though it might be th' naytional motto befure long.

"Well, Cubia got her freedom or something that wud look like th' same thing if she kept it out iv th' rain, but somehow or another it didn't suit her entirely. A sort iv cravin' come over her that it was hard to tell fr'm th' same feelin' iv vacancy that she knew whin she was opprissed be th' Hated Casteel. Hunger, Hinnissy, is about th' same thing in a raypublic as in a dispotism. They'se not much choice iv unhappiness between a hungry slave an' a hungry freeman. Cubia cudden't cuk or wear freedom. Ye can't make freedom into a stew an' ye can't cut a pair iv pants out iv it. It won't bile, fry, bake or fricassee. Ye can't take two pounds iv fresh creamery freedom, a pound iv north wind, a heapin' taycupfull iv naytional aspirations an' a sprinklin' iv bars fr'm th' naytional air, mix well, cuk over a hot fire an' sarve sthraight fr'm th' shtove; ye can't make a dish out iv that that wud nourish a tired freeman whin he comes home afther a hard day's wurruk lookin' f'r a job. So Cubia comes te us an' says she: 'Ye done well by us,' she says. 'Ye give us freedom,' says she, 'an' more thin enough to go round,' she says, 'an' now if ye plaze we'd like to thrade a little iv it bhack f'r a few groceries,' she says. 'We will wear wan shackle f'r a ham,' says she, 'an' we'll put on a full raygalia iv ball an' chain an' yoke an' fetters an' come-alongs f'r a square meal,' says she.

"That sounds raisonable enough an' bein' be nature a gin'rous people whin we don't think, we're about to help her disthress with whativer we have cold in th' panthry whin th' thought iv th' Beet crosses our minds. What will th' Beet say, th' red, th' juicy, th' sacchrine Beet, th' Beet iv our Fathers, th' Beet iv Plymouth Rock, Beet iv th' Pilgrim's Pride, Sweet Beet iv Liberty, iv thee I sing? If we do annything f'r Cubia, down goes th' Beet, an' with th' Beet perishes our instichoochions. Th' constichoochion follows th' Beet ex propria vigore, as Hogan says. Th' juice iv th' Beet is th' life blood iv our nation. Whoiver touches a hair iv yon star spangled Beet, shoot him on th' spot. A bold Beet industhry a counthry's pride whin wanst desthroyed can niver be supplied. 'Beet sugar an' Liberty Now an' Foriver, wanan' insiprable'--Dan'l Webster. 'Thank Gawd I--I also--am a Beet'--th' same. 'Gover'mint iv th' Beet, by th' Beet an' f'r th' Beet shall not perish fr'm th' earth,'--Abraham Lincoln. An' so, Hinnissy, we put th' pie back into th' ice-chest where we keep our honor an' ginerosity an' lock th' dure an' Cubia goes home, free an' hopeless. D'ye think so? Well, I don't. Be hivins, Hinnissy, I think th' time has come whin we've got to say whether we're a nation iv Beets. I am no serf, but I'd rather be bent undher th' dispotism iv a Casteel thin undher th' tyranny iv a Beet. If I've got to be a slave, I'd rather be wan to a man, even a Spanish man, thin to a viggytable. If I'm goin' to he opprissed be a Beet, let it be fr'm th' inside not fr'm without. I'll choose me masther, Hinnissy, an' whin I do, 'twill not be that low-lyin', purple-complected, indygistible viggytable. I may bend me high head to th' egg-plant, th' potato, th' cabbage, th' squash, th' punkin, th' sparrow-grass, th' onion, th' spinach, th' rutabaga turnip, th' Fr-rench pea or th' parsnip, but 'twill niver be said iv me that I was subjygated be a Beet. No, sir. Betther death. I'm goin' to begin a war f'r freedom. I'm goin' to sthrike th' shackles fr'm a slave an' I'm him. I'm goin' to organize a rig'mint iv Rough Riders an' whin I stand on th' top iv San Joon hill with me soord in me hand an' me gleamin' specs on me nose, ye can mark th' end iv th' domination iv th' Beet in th' western wurruld. F'r, Hinnissy, I tell ye what, if th' things I hear fr'm Wash'nton is thrue, that other war iv freedom stopped befure it was half done."

"An' what about th' Ph'lippeens?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"They'se nawthin' to say about th' Ph'lippeens," said Mr. Dooley, "excipt that th' throuble down there is all over."

"All over?"

"All over."


Bad Men From The West

"I see," said Mr. Hennessy, "th' Sinit has rayfused f'r to confirm th' nommynation iv a man f'r an office out West because he'd been in jail."

"Pro-fissyonal jealousy," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye see, th' fact iv th' matther is th' Sinit don't know what th' people iv th' Far West want an' th' prisidint does. Th' Sinit thinks th' jooty iv th' counthry to th' land iv th' tarantuly is done if they sind out a man too weak in th' lungs to stay in th' East an' wan that can multiply com-pound fractions in his head. But th' prisidint he knows that what's needed in th' Far West is active, intilligent officers that can shoot through th' pocket. Th' other day it become necess'ry to thrust on th' impeeryal terrytory iv Aryzony a competint person f'r to administher th' laws an' keep th' peace