Medical Life in the Navy, Gordon Stables [classic fiction .txt] 📗

the while what to say, how to say it, and whom to say it to, and

resisting an inclination to put my finger in my mouth. Moreover, at

that moment a war was going on within me between pride and modesty, for

I was not at all certain whether I ought to take off my hat; so being

"canny" and a Scot, I adopted a middle course, and commenced to wipe

imaginary perspiration from my brow, an operation which, of course,

necessitated the removal of my head-dress. Probably the cambric

handkerchief caught the tail of the eye of a quieter-looking knight of

the quill, who sat a little apart from the other drones of the pen; at

any rate he quickly dismounted, and coming up to me politely asked my

business. I told him, and he civilly motioned me to a seat to await my

turn for examination. By-and-bye other candidates dropped in, each of

whom I rejoiced to observe looked a little paler, decidedly more blue,

and infinitely greener than I did myself! This was some relief, so I

sat by the dusty window which overlooked the Thames, watching the little

skiffs gliding to and fro, the boats hastening hither and thither, and

the big lazy-like barges that floated on the calm unruffled bosom of the

great mysterious river, and thinking and wishing that it could but break

its everlasting silence and tell its tale, and mention even a tithe of

the scenes that had been acted on its breast or by its banks since it

first rolled its infant waters to the sea, through a forest of trees

instead of a forest of masts and spires, or tell of the many beings that

had sought relief from a world of sin and suffering under its dark

current. So ran my thoughts, and as the river so did time glide by, and

two hours passed away, then a third; and when at last my name was

called, it was only to inform me that I must come back on the following

day, there being too many to be examined at once.

 

At the hour appointed I was immediately conducted into the presence of

the august assembly of examiners, and this, is what I saw, or rather,

this was the picture on my retina, for to see, in the usual acceptation

of the term, was, under the circumstances, out of the question:--A table

with a green cover, laid out for a feast--to me a ghastly feast--of

reason and flow of soul. My reason was to form the feast, my soul was

to flow; the five pleasant-looking and gentlemanly men who sat around

were to partake of the banquet. I did not walk into the room, I seemed

to glide as if in a dream, or as if I had been my own ghost. Every

person and every thing in the room appeared strangely contorted; and the

whole formed a wonderful mirage, miraculously confused. The fire hopped

up on the table, the table consigned itself to the flames at one moment,

and made an insane attempt to get up the chimney the next. The roof

bending down in one corner affectionately kissed the carpet, the carpet

bobbing up at another returned the chaste salute. Then the gentlemen

smiled on me pleasantly, while I replied by a horrible grin.

 

"Sit down, sir," said one, and his voice sounded far away, as if in

another world, as I tottered to the chair, and with palsied arm helped

myself to a glass of water, which had been placed on the table for my

use. The water revived me, and at the first task I was asked to

perform--translate a small portion of Gregory's (not powder) Conspectus

into English--my senses came back. The scales fell from my eyes, the

table and fire resumed their proper places, the roof and carpet ceased

to dally, my scattered brains came all of a heap once more, and I was

myself again as much as ever Richard was, or any other man. I answered

most of the questions, if not all. I was tackled for ten minutes at a

time by each of the examiners. I performed mental operations on the

limbs of beings who never existed, prescribed hypothetically for

innumerable ailments, brought divers mythical children into the world,

dissected muscles and nerves in imagination, talked of green trees,

fruit, flowers, natural families, and far-away lands, as if I had been

Linnaeus, Columbus, and Humboldt all in one, so that, in less than an

hour, the august body leant their backs against their respective chairs,

and looked knowingly in each other's faces for a period of several very

long seconds. They then nodded to one another, did this august body,

looked at their tablets, and nodded again. After this pantomime had

come to a conclusion I was furnished with a sheet of foolscap and sent

back to the room above the Thames to write a dissertation on fractures

of the cranium, and shortly after sending it in I was recalled and

informed that I had sustained the dread ordeal to their entire

satisfaction, etc, and that I had better, before I left the house, pay

an official visit to the Director-General. I bowed, retired, heaved a

monster sigh, made the visit of ceremony, and afterwards my exit.

 

The first gentleman (?) I met on coming out was a short, middle-aged

Shylock, hook-nosed and raven-haired, and arrayed in a surtout of seedy

black. He approached me with much bowing and smiling, and holding below

my nose a little green tract which he begged I would accept.

 

"Exceedingly kind," thought I, and was about to comply with his request,

when, greatly to my surprise and the discomposure of my toilet, an arm

was hooked into mine, I was wheeled round as if on a pivot, and found

myself face to face with another Israelite armed with a _red_ tract.

 

"He is a Jew and a dog," said this latter, shaking a forefinger close to

my face.

 

"Is he?" said I. The words had hardly escaped my lips when the other

Jew whipped his arm through mine and quickly re-wheeled me towards him.

 

"He is a liar and a cheat," hissed he, with the same motion of the

forefinger as his rival had used.

 

"Indeed!" said I, beginning to wonder what it all meant. I had not,

however, long time to wonder, being once more set spinning by the

Israelite of the red tract.

 

"Beware of the Jews?" he whispered, pointing to the other; and the

conversation was continued in the following strain. Although in the

common sense of the word it really was no conversation, as each of them

addressed himself to me only, and I could find no reply, still, taking

the word in its literal meaning (from con, together, and _verto_, I

turn), it was indeed a conversation, for they turned me together, each

one, as he addressed me, hooking his arm in mine and whirling me round

like the handle of an air-pump or a badly constructed teetotum, and

shaking a forefinger in my face, as if I were a parrot and he wanted me

to swear.

 

_Shylock of the green tract_.--"He is a swine and a scoundrel."

 

_Israelite of the red_.--"He's a liar and a thief."

 

_Shylock of the green_.--"And he'll get round you some way."

 

_Israelite of red_.--"Ahab and brothers cheat everybody they can."

 

_Shylock of green_.--"He'll be lending you money."

 

_Red_.--"Whole town know them--"

 

_Green_.--"Charge you thirty per cent."

 

Red--"They are swindlers and dogs."

 

_Green_.--"Look at our estimate."

 

_Red_.--"Look at _our_ estimate."

 

_Green_.--"Peep at our charges."

 

_Red_.--"Five years' credit."

 

_Green_.--"Come with us, sir," tugging me to the right.

 

_Red_.--"This way, master," pulling me to the left.

 

_Green_.--"Be advised; he'll rob you."

 

_Red_.--"If you go he'll murder you."

 

"Damn you both!" I roared; and letting fly both fists at the same time,

I turned them both together on their backs and thus put an end to the

conversation. Only just in time, though, for the remaining ten tribes,

or their representatives, were hurrying towards me, each one swaying

aloft a gaudy-coloured tract; and I saw no way of escaping but by fairly

making a run for it, which I accordingly did, pursued by the ten tribes;

and even had. I been a centipede, I would have assuredly been torn limb

from limb, had I not just then rushed into the arms of my feline friend

from Bond Street.

 

He purred, gave me a paw and many congratulations; was so glad I had

passed,--but, to be sure, knew I would,--and so happy I had escaped the

Jews; would I take a glass of beer?

 

I said, "I didn't mind;" so we adjourned (the right word in the right

place--adjourned) to a quiet adjoining hotel.

 

"Now," said he, as he tendered the waiter a five-pound Bank of England

note, "you must not take it amiss, Doctor, but--"

 

"No smaller change, sir?" asked the waiter.

 

"I'm afraid," said my friend (?), opening and turning over the contents

of a well-lined pocket-book, "I've only got five--oh, here are sovs, he!

he!" Then turning to me: "I was going to observe," he continued, "that

if you want a pound or two, he! he!--you know young fellows will be

young fellows--only don't say a word to my father, he! he! he!--highly

respectable man. Another glass of beer? No? Well, we will go and see

father!"

 

"But," said I, "I really must go home first."

 

"Oh dear no; don't think of such a thing."

 

"I'm deuced hungry," continued I. "My dear sir, excuse me, but it is

just our dinner hour; nice roast turkey, and boiled leg of mutton

with--"

 

"Any pickled pork?"

 

"He! he! now you young _officers_ will have your jokes; but, he! he!

though we don't just eat pork, you'll find us just as good as most

Christians. Some capital wine--very old brand; father got it from the

Cape only the other day; in fact, though I should not mention these

things, it was sent us by a grateful customer. But come, you're hungry,

we'll get a cab."

CHAPTER FOUR. - THE CITY OF ENCHANTMENT. IN JOINING THE SERVICE! FIND OUT WHAT A "GIG" MEANS.

 

The fortnight immediately subsequent to my passing into the Royal Navy

was spent by me in the great metropolis, in a perfect maze of pleasure

and excitement. For the first time for years I knew what it was to be

free from care and trouble, independent, and quietly happy. I went the

round of the sights and the round of the theatres, and lingered

entranced in the opera; but I went all alone, and unaccompanied, save by

a small pocket guide-book, and I believe I enjoyed it all the more on

that account. No one cared for nor looked at the lonely stranger, and

he at no one. I roamed through the spacious streets, strolled

delightedly in the handsome parks, lounged in picture galleries, or

buried myself for hour's in the solemn halls and classical courts of

that prince of public buildings the British Museum; and, when tired of

rambling, I dined by myself in a quiet hotel. Every sight was strange

to me, every sound was new; it was as if some good fairy, by a touch of

her magic wand, had transported me to an enchanted city; and when I

closed my eyes at night, or even shut them by day, behold, there was the

same moving panorama that I might gaze on till tired or asleep.

 

But all this was too good to last long. One morning, on coming down to

breakfast, bright-hearted and beaming as ever, I found on my plate,

instead of fried soles, a long blue official letter, "On her Majesty's

Service." It was my appointment to the `Victory,'--"additional for

service at Haslar Hospital." As soon as I read it the enchantment was

dissolved, the spell was broken; and when I tried that day to find new

pleasures, new sources of amusement, I utterly failed, and found with

disgust that it was but a common work-a-day world after all, and that

London was very like other places in that respect. I lingered but a few

more days in town, and then hastened by train to Portsmouth to