The Opposite of Normal, Andrew Boggan [brene brown rising strong .TXT] 📗

a major impact in my life when it came to developing my own identity and I feel nothing but pride for how they have shaped me become the person that I am today.


Chapter 3
Make Me Normal


I looked in the mirror that morning as I got ready for school, I didn’t recognize the young boy looking back at me. Sure I’ve seen him all my life every time I go near the mirror, I mean I grew up with this guy so I should have the common sense to know who he is but I don’t.

There’s only one thing in common I have with the puzzled stranger looking back at me: Same physical appearances.

At 14, I guess I have become pretty concrete in my ways. I need lots of routine and my day needs to be very well defined and structured. I always try and make sure that every event that is to take place in my day happens within my strict schedule.

Each morning I wake up at 6.45am, eat breakfast until 7.00am, shower and get dressed for school until 7.15am, then its cartoons on the breakfast shows until 7.30am and then its time to talk down to the train station for the 8.00am train. No doubt that my routine sounds very anal retentive but it needs be, otherwise a wave of anxiety and chronic panic attacks with sweat outbreaks can occur, and right before class, this is the last thing I need. I make very good use of my time when I walk to the train station each morning; this is a time for me to mentally prepare myself for the day ahead and attempt to get ready to conquer the repercussions from my peers for wanting to sit in the library and read books at lunch.

So many thoughts go through my head at this point in the mornings and I try and examine every possible avenue to minimize conflict with the other kids in school. I certainly couldn’t use any force of physical violence and I’m not one to mentally challenge somebody when its time to stand my ground. The easiest way for me to deal with the conflict is to keep quite, don’t make eye contact and stare only at the ground allowing my mind to search for answers to questions that have been designed to have no set answer.

It’s certainly a beautiful Tuesday winter’s morning. Just as I’m approaching the train station the warmth of the morning sun seems to provide some level of comfort and self satisfaction, it’s giving me hope that I’m going to have an enjoyable day and go to bed with a smile later tonight. It was like the warmth from the sun covered me with confidence within myself to face any challenge that could arise today. My confidence suddenly came at an accelerating pace so I marched off over the bridge and onto the train platform. Yes, I’m ready for a brand new day.

I was really of the opinion that if I felt confident and happy, then I looked it and that somehow I would beam like ray of sunshine onto other people. My mum had always told me that when you feel good you look good and that good vibes rub off onto others and can attract the most amazing of people. Wow, if this is really the case this could also be the perfect opportunity to grow socially and make a real friend. I’ve never had a real friend before, just people I hang out with from time to time so if today’s events would turn out this way, what a wonderful world we live in.

“I see trees of green, red roses too, I see em bloom, for me and for you, and I think to myself, what a wonderful world”

I lined up for my Geography class and, as I always do, I sat out the front of the classroom door waiting for the teacher to come and let us into the room. With so much commotion going on between all the other students it was so hard to make sense of what everyone was talking about, sure it sounded like gibberish but they were all discussing a wide variety of sports and television shows from the night before. I quietly sat there on the floor outside the door reading my geography text book, unknowingly hiding myself away from the world that my classmates were caught up in. It wasn’t that I deliberately chose to hide away from their world; it was just the content of their conversations. The boys were discussing tackle moves from the latest rugby match and imitating their favorite players. Their choice of conversation certainly didn’t strike my attention. None the less, there’ still them and there was me still overwhelmed by the comfort from the early morning sun I decided to keep reading.

“Brendan, your sitting on my bag” said Anne-Marie in a sharp tone. Her bag was next to me but I certainly wasn’t sitting on it. In a very subdue manner I told her that I wasn’t sitting on her bag and I continued to read my geography text book. I was trying to memorize all 52 states of North America. My head was buried so far into my book that I couldn’t see what was actually going on around me. Anne-Marie had kicked my leg whilst clenching her teeth. The confidence that so wonderfully overwhelmed me earlier began to fade at the speed of light and I could feel myself emotionally shrinking. At this pointed all I wanted to do was lock myself in a cage where it was safe. Funny how one small negative display of behavior can knock your confidence out at extreme levels. Some people would call that weak and perhaps to a degree I think that’s true.

The commotion from all the classmates was reaching its peak, and Anne-Marie slowly bent over, pushed my book down with her hands and glared at me directly in the eye and said “Move off my damn bag you stupid idiot” My brain didn’t automatically tell me how to handle this situation, and so like I’ve always done, I’ve just given in and I got up moved to the railing instead. I know I really wanted to stand my ground, and really say what I thought, but there would have been so many repercussions associated with that, but how do I stand my ground without looking like a fool? I just couldn’t do it and where ever there is conflict; my mind seems to race away way before I can catch up with it.

I stood on the side of the railing, turned my back on the people I was sitting next too and focused my attention on the crows playing in the nearby rubbish bins. When conflict arises it’s very crucial that I focus my attention elsewhere as it’s an attempt to try and discourage any sort of violence from occurring. The crows certainly looked like they were having fun playing in the rubbish bins. Part of me wishes I was one of those crows, or perhaps some kind of bird. If ever a war of conflict fired up I could always spread my wings and fly away but being the human being that I am I feel so grounded and trapped.

“What’s the stupid text book you’re reading Brendan?” Anne-Marie asked. I slowly turned around to her and said in monotone “Atlas of North America” without making any sort of eye contact and staring directly at the ground. Suddenly without warning I think I just got run over by a truck and I struggled to stand up stand up straight whilst my eyes attempted to roll back in my head. The laughter from all the other classmates was piercing. It felt like their laughter were a series of bow and arrow’s being shot directly into my body piercing the bone sending sharp pains all over me. Anne-Marie had used her iced up water bottle to smack me across the side of the face at an accelerating speed, probably faster than a speeding comet because I certainly didn’t see it coming. Now the Asperger’s was to take over and handle the situation. I stood there simply laughing at her saying “Didn’t hurt”. I can still hear other classmates yelling “good going” and “do it again”. By the time realization had occurred of what just happened the geography teacher came wondering down and it was time to get into the classroom.

The teacher had given us a quiz to take in the classroom. The silence in the classroom was certainly deafening and you could hear a pin a drop as things were ever so still. Everyone was busy focusing on answering all the questions on the paper. I think the only person in the classroom that didn’t care was me. I was too busy staring out the window still focused on the crows playing in the rubbish bins. At this point the crows played such a significant part of myself being able to keep it together, had the crows not been playing in the rubbish bins what else could I focus on, I certainly wasn’t up for the geography quiz now. So much sunlight had lit up the classroom, and although it was beautifully warm, the comfort of confidence I was overwhelmed with earlier, made the sunlight icy cold. I used up every piece of strength I had to fight back the tears that so desperately wanted to flow from eyes. Every few seconds I kept on squeezing my eye lids to absorb the tears.

I simply couldn’t understand why this happened. Sure Anne-Marie and I had never actually spoken to each other but I didn’t see that as a reason to hit me. Perhaps I always gave off a presence of extreme vulnerability without being aware of it and that people liked to play on that. The biggest question that always went through my mind from this day was “I never did anything to hurt you so why did you want to hurt me”?

I always liked to thing I’m a nice person, I think I’m pretty intelligent and can be a fun person too but I don’t understand why people never gave me a chance at this. Was it because I spoke different, was it because I look different or was it because I’m just me? Who knows but after this incident I honestly felt it happened simply because I existed.

People always say kids at school can be so cruel and while that may be the case, the biggest shame that exists today is that this cruelty can leave very deep emotional scaring which for some people, that just simply never heals. Just because somebody is slightly different, that’s no reason to beat them up is it? If it is I don’t understand that and I probably never will.

I’m 14, and I know all to well I’m so different to the rest of my peers. And here’s my reason why. I’ve got the maturity of somebody who’s 30 but behavioral characteristics of somebody who’s only 10. So there’s a level of extreme on both sides and I seem to fit in the middle of the extremes. My peers display the maturity level of somebody at the age of 14 along with behavioral characteristics of somebody at 14, that’s an equal match. They relate to others due to this balance and share common interests with those around them, but not me. I’m sitting on a different scale at different levels never quite balancing out to that of my peers. Could this be the reason why I’ve been bullied at school? Nobody asked to be like this, and