Mother's Remedies, Thomas Jefferson Ritter [reading well .TXT] 📗

id="id08929">Good breeding is shown in the use of words, quite as much as in manners.
Correct use is evidence of culture and personal refinement.

Use of Slang and Colloquialisms.—Slang, we are often reminded, is common—meaning vulgar. And yet, there are some slang phrases that are so expressive, and convey so much meaning in few words that the temptation to use them is irresistible. Much use of slang, however, is very undesirable, indicating lack of refinement. We may be colloquial, but must eschew the vulgar.

Among the words that are bad form we find "folks," used instead of "family" or "relatives." "Ain't" is one of the most common improprieties of speech and one that has no standing whatever in good language. "Gentlemen friend." "lady friend," are vulgarisms. We should not speak of young men as "fellows."

We should say "shops" instead of "stores," and "station" instead of "depot." A depot is a place where provisions and stores are accumulated. Just how it came to be applied to a railway station is an etymological puzzle. The use of "learn" for "teach" is incorrect. "Pupil," "student" and "scholar" are often used interchangeably, but incorrectly so. "Pupil" refers to the younger classes in a school.

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Those in the most advanced grade of a high school, and those in college are students; while scholar signifies those who are learned and out of school. "Dresser," "bureau" and "dressing case" are incorrectly applied to a chest of drawers. "Vest" for "waistcoat," and "dress suit" for "evening clothes" are incorrect. "Visitors" is in better taste than "guests." "Got" is a word often used superfluously and always inelegantly. "I have it" sounds much better than "I have got it"; leave out "got" wherever you can. As for "gotten"—it ought to be unspeakable.

"Don't" for "doesn't" is, perhaps the most common grammatical error. "I don't," "you don't," "they don't,' are correct. "Don't" is a contraction of "do not." You wouldn't say "he do not," "she do not," would you? Then don't say "he don't," or "she don't."

As a rule the simpler the speech the better. "Residence" for "house," "peruse" for "read," "retire" for "going to bed"—all these and their like sound stilted.

The use of French words and phrases is to be avoided, both in writing and speaking. Generally they are mispronounced—as in the case of the very affected lady who spoke of "Mrs. Brown, nee Smith," pronouncing "nee" as if spelled "knee."

Form of Address.—To acquaintances, a woman speaks of "my husband"; to friends, she calls him by his Christian name. To servants, he is "Mr. Smith." This is a rule often violated, so often in fact, that few are aware of the impropriety of saying "Mr. Smith" to friends and acquaintances. The man employs the converse of the rule; it is "my wife" to acquaintances, etc. To speak of a daughter as "Miss Mary" or "Miss Jane" to anyone but a servant is insulting, placing the person thus spoken to on a par with an inferior. If formality is desirable one should say "my daughter Mary." The same rule applies to a son.

It has already been said that we do not address a wife by her husband's title. He is Dr. Brown; she is Mrs. Brown. Mrs. General, Mrs. Judge, are not current in polite circles.

We do not use "Sir" in addressing equals. Children no longer say "sir" or "ma'am" to their parents, but "Yes, father," or "No mother." Ma'am is seldom heard now except from old-fashioned servants. Maids and men-servants say "yes, Mrs. Smith," or sometimes, "No, madam."

Courtesy in Conversation.—"Things said for conversation are chalk eggs," said Emerson. There are many chalk eggs on the market. Most of us feel that to "be sociable" we must talk incessantly. True, there are sometimes dreadful pauses in conversation when no one seems able to think of anything to say, and the longer the pause the more vacuous one's mind.

What passes for conversation at receptions, dinners, ordinary social affairs, is merely chatter made up, of persiflage and repartee. One must be able to furnish it, however, for small talk is conversational "small change," without which it is not easy to "do business." Lacking it, one is like Mark Twain's man with the million dollar check and not change enough to buy a postage stamp.

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 775] SUBJECTS OF CONVERSATION.

No one can tell another person what to talk about. Advice on that subject is valueless. There are some things we may do, however, to make ourselves agreeable in conversation. We may study the art of expressing ourselves clearly,—saying what we wish to say without circumlocution. Some people seem to begin in the middle of a subject and talk both ways.

Avoid personalities in your conversation. Don't talk about yourself; nobody is interested in your personal perplexities and troubles. Don't recite your "symptoms" nor tell what the doctor says, nor what diet he has prescribed. Nothing, positively nothing, is so tiresome. Don't indulge in animadversions upon the absent, nor make sarcastic remarks about them.

Try to discover some subject in which your companion is interested, and get him to talking. Then show yourself a good listener. A woman may get the reputation of being bright and clever if she will simply show herself a good listener. To do this, she must give her attention to the person who is talking. She must seem interested. Her eyes must not wander around the room; she must not take up picture or book and glance over it; her questions must be intelligent and to the point. Then, unless the speaker is a well-known bore, she need never suffer under the imputation of being neglected in society, and she will be thought courteous and intelligent.

Discourtesies.—To interrupt a speaker, to take the words out of his mouth and finish the sentence for him, to broach a new topic, irrelevant to that in hand, unless the latter is in danger of leading to thin conversational ice,—all these are discourtesies.

To yawn while listening to anyone; to show lack of interest in a story or anecdote that is being told, or let the attention wander, is marked impoliteness. We are not to remind a speaker that his story is an old one, or that he has told it before.

Some Things to Avoid.—A man should avoid raving over the perfections, the beauty or chic of one woman to another. He shouldn't talk golf to one who doesn't know the language of the game, nor discourse on music to the unmusical. Above all, he shouldn't undertake to entertain the whole company, nor introduce a topic in which he only is interested or informed. The more serious questions of life are barred in society; people wish to be amused, not instructed. An inveterate talker, especially one of a didactic turn, is a bore. So is the man who puts a hobby through its paces. Avoid exaggerations in conversation, also extravagances, such as "beastly this" or "awfully that," also avoid over emphasis. Don't talk in italics.

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The Speaking Voice.—A clear, distinct enunciation should be cultivated. The voice need not—should not—be raised above the ordinary conversational level to make one perfectly understood, if only one speaks clearly. This is something that can be cultivated. So also a discrimination in the use of words, so that which most nearly expresses the meaning of the speaker comes to him readily.

A pleasant voice is a charm, either in man or woman. A noted teacher of singing once remarked that the cultivation of the speaking voice is a positive duty, and possible to almost everyone. Certainly a harsh, squeaky, shrill or affected tone of voice may be improved by care and endeavor.

CHURCH ETIQUETTE.

Surely the church is the place where one day's truce ought to be allowed to the vanities, the dissensions and animosities of mankind.—Burke.

The church is sometimes sarcastically referred to as "the social stepping-stone." It is a fact that the newly made rich and the vulgar often choose a church attended by the people of fashion whose acquaintance they most desire, rent a high-priced pew, and become prominent through their benefactions and their services in church work. They are "taken up," after a time, in a fashion, and unless too socially impossible through lack of good breeding, may, from "fringers," become "climbers." "I might go to that church for a hundred years and no one would notice me," bitterly complained a woman who had undertaken the social uplift via the church. The woman in question defeated her own object. She dressed in the extreme of style; she always came in late, with much rustle of silk and rattle of bangles; her hair was "touched up" and her face rouged. The well-bred and refined members condemned her on these grounds. Nevertheless, where a stranger comes who bears the hall-mark of culture and refinement, the church connection is often an aid to social habilitation, though it should never be sought as such.

Friendly Advances.—Friendly advances generally come from pew neighbors. Respond to them courteously but without undue eagerness. Do not expect your pastor to become your social sponsor with his congregation, and remember that though he will probably call after letters of church membership are presented, you have no claim upon his family, nor the families of any of the church officers through acquaintance in business life. This is often a grievance to people from smaller towns who, moving to a city, expect the families of their business associates to assist them socially. Two men may be partners for ten years without their wives knowing each other by sight, if they chance to move in different social circles.

Demeanor.—One should dress quietly at church, give attention to the service and the clergyman, and not linger unduly in the vestibule to gossip or greet friends. To notify the usher if one's pew will not be occupied is a courtesy if the preacher is popular and the church crowded. To be disagreeable in case strangers are shown to one's pew, or mistakenly seated there, is unkind and unchristian. Giggling, smiles, exchange of smiles or bows in the church proper are regarded as bad form.

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 777] NEIGHBORHOOD ETIQUETTE.

Neighborliness is a quality little exercised in cities, where one may live next door to people for years and merely know their names. Some people prefer not to know their neighbors, fearing undue familiarity on their part. The relationship may be a very pleasant one if both parties observe certain restraints. It is not well to become too intimate. Nobody wants a neighbor running in at all hours, with or without an errand. Sometimes to sit on the back porch with a book or paper seems to invite a neighbor to "run over" and the hour's rest or mental recreation is given over to small talk.

A neighbor has no more right to enter without knocking than any other caller, whether by kitchen or front door. It is an intrusion, a disregard of the reserve that should characterize neighborly intercourse. No matter how friendly, friendship will last longer where the forms of decorum are observed.

Borrowing.—The exchange of "kitchen-kindnesses" should be ventured upon rarely. By these is meant the plate of cookies or biscuit or doughnuts we send our neighbor on baking-day. Some families prefer their own cooking. A woman who had been annoyed by many unsolicited donations of this kind, persisted in though unreciprocated, finally piled the sent-in biscuit rather ostentatiously on the garbage can in full sight of her neighbor's window. Other hints had failed, this was effective—a rather violent remedy, but after all not undeserved. In case of illness, where one has no maid, or the family must care for the sick, a fresh cake or a tasty dessert may be offered, and will seldom fail of appreciation. Knowing the circumstances, one need not hesitate over the proffer of a neighborly kindness.

There is little excuse in the city for the borrowing of kitchen staples which is the bane of some country neighborhoods. A borrowing neighbor is an affliction—a nuisance which unfortunately doesn't come under the jurisdiction of the Board of Health.

[778 MOTHERS' REMEDIES] CARRIAGE ETIQUETTE.

A story is told of a certain great lady who visited at the court of a reigning monarch on a secret matrimonial mission. The monarch had three daughters; the emperor of her own country had a marriageable son. Before overtures were made for an alliance, the lady was to see the three princesses and decide which one should be honored by the proposal. It was her whim to rely upon "the carriage test." She watched the young princesses as they alighted from the royal carriage. The oldest one descended clumsily, displaying too much of the royal lingerie.