The Last Unofficial Meeting of the Council of They, James Gerard [the speed reading book TXT] 📗

The Last Unofficial Meeting of the Council of They

The following document is a transcript from the last unofficial minutes from the Council of They that existed on another planet.  The recording was attained by a two man crew working as couriers to deliver a hand written note of thanks for the soil that had been provided in exchange for gold—yes, Earth at one time had little soil and lots of gold and this is the reason why we have prospered over the millennia.  Anyway, this note was to be delivered to the Council of They on this other planet, but something terribly went wrong.  In their official duty, the couriers discovered a metal box that showed signs of being exposed to extreme heat and at an orbit where the planet had existed.  To their dismay, however, the planet was nowhere to be seen.  The mystery of the missing planet was quickly solved when the box was opened and the sound recording within transcribed.  We, the Council of Them, as good leaders thereby let all you, our servants, know the truth that we have had hid for all these millennia—the planet was Earth, Earth Two as we named it and it existed at a position opposite ours and was always hidden by the sun.  Really, that is the truth and that is what we are sticking to.

 

Note from the editor: Yeah-yeah, whatever.  That all sounds good, but to the future generations of Earth One please pay attention to the first part of this document since you might want to think about its accuracy.  You see, as the chief editor I just wanted to show The Council of Them—Them?  No, not the two (word omitted by…well by me, chief editor) who were given the responsibility of transcribing the recording but the actual Council of Them—that they chose the wrong men for this task since they were so easily distracted (as you will read) instead of taking serious what is the most important historical document ever produced.

 

Unknown 1: According to them—

 

Unknown 2: Do you mean us or do you mean them, the Council of They that is?

 

Unknown 1: It’s a recording from the Council of They isn’t it?

 

Unknown 2: Yeah.

 

Unknown 1: So just write down what I tell you to write down.

 

Unknown 2: But according to them—

 

Unknown 1: Stop that.

 

Unknown 2: No, I actually mean our Council of Them this time.

 

Unknown 1: So according to them what?

 

Unknown 2: Well, according to them they blame us for what happened.

 

Unknown 1:  They meaning the Council of They or they the inhabitants of Earth One, I mean Earth Two?

 

Unknown 2: Do you mean Earth Two, T-w-o, or Earth Too, T-o-o?

 

Unknown 1: Earth Two, T-w-o, of course.

 

Unknown 2: Are you sure?  After all it is or was also an Earth.  So does it matter if they want it spelled as Earth Two, T-w-o or Earth Too, T-o-o?

 

Unknown 1: You (word omitted), just write down whatever the (word omitted) you want.  I want to get the (word omitted) home in time to watch Monday Night Football.

 

Unknown 2: Sorry Lar—I mean unknown one.

 

Now without further delay we, The Council of Them, hereby present to you proof of extraterrestrial life that once existed not only in the universe but our very solar system as well: The last unofficial minutes of the Council of They.

 

Mel: According to them—

 

Ernie: Do you mean the Council of Them from Earth Two or do you mean us since we are the ultimate authority in the universe?

 

Mel: If I meant us I would have said they said, in other words us.  Now can we get on with the matter at hand?

 

Harry: Just to be clear, when you say according to them you are talking about the Council of Them from Earth Two not someone we have chosen for any specific menial task?

 

Mel: Were you listening?  I would have said us if I were talking about someone under our control.

 

Harry: Just want to make sure.

 

Ernie: Thanks Harry for having that cleared up.

 

Harry: No problem.  I am always happy to help out a fellow council member.

 

Mel: Now, according to them they say—

 

Gertrude: Wait.  They, do you mean us?

 

Mel: No.  They is not referring to us but to them that is saying to us.

 

Wanda: Huh?

 

There was a sudden sound of many voices talking at once but none were distinct enough to understand.  We did hear what sounded like a wood object hitting another wood object.  The room got quiet and we could hear and understand the voices again.

 

Mel: One more outburst like that and I will clear this room.

 

There was a sudden sound of many people laughing that lasted 32 seconds.

 

Harry: I never get tired of that joke.

 

Mel: Listen up, let us get back to the very serious problem we are facing.

 

Gertrude: Agreed.

 

Harry: I second that motion.

 

Mel: Good.  Now according to the contract with Earth Two, by the way that is what they are.  What audacity they have calling themselves Earth One—

 

Ernie: Mel, your thoughts are wandering.

 

Mel.  Sorry Ernie.  Now they—don’t you dare Harry—must have misunderstood.  When we said we would trade soil for gold, we did not mean all our soil for all their gold but a reasonable amount?

 

Wanda: Why did we even make the contract in the first place?  I mean we already own everything on Earth so why would we need all that gold?

 

There was a sudden sound of many people laughing that lasted 48 seconds.

 

Mel: Good one Wanda.  Now Marvin, what does the contract actually say about the exchange?

 

Marvin: Are you kidding Mel, the contract consists of 58 thousand pages.

 

There was a sudden sound of many people laughing that lasted 1 minute and 14 seconds.

 

Harry: This is the best meeting we have ever had.

 

Ernie: I second that motion.

 

Mel: Ha-ha Marvin.  Now just read the last sentence of the contract.

 

Marvin: Sorry Mel.  Therefore it is agreed that Earth One will trade soil to Earth Two for gold since they have an abundant amount of it and so little soil while we have lots of soil and so little gold.

 

Wanda: You know they think of themselves as Earth One since they were the ones that discovered us in the same orbit but exact opposite position around the sun.

 

Mel: Oh I bet they do.  But we are the original earth.  After all, we are the Council of They and look how many times the genius of our intellect and plans and control is cited by our subjects when they say they say.

 

Gertrude: They also say according to them and they do not even know that there is a Council of Them—I mean do they?

 

Mel: Of course they do not—I think.  Anyway, none of this is neither here nor there.  Marvin—

 

Patty: Mel, I just received a report that our entire secret continent is now nothing but gold and that they have already finished with the other continents.

 

Mel: Marvin, is there anywhere in all the useless legalese, any stipulation stating exactly how much soil would be exchanged for gold?

 

Marvin: No.  The last sentence says it all.

 

Patty: Mel, we are getting reports of global warming happening all over, well all over the globe.

 

Fred: It is all that gold that is making the Earth heat up.  You know how hot metal gets.

 

Mel: Quickly, who has a solution?

 

Fred: Wait, temperatures are dropping, whoa, dropping way too much.

 

Hank: Great.  Hey Mel, trading all that soil for gold was not such a good idea after all.

 

Mel: Why?

 

Hank: Oh because the Earth is too heavy now.  We have broken away from the sun’s gravitational pull and headed for deep space.

 

Mel: Everyone to the escape pods now.  Herman, jettison the recording to preserve the minutes of the meeting.

 

We could hear what sounded like screaming and wooden chairs hitting the floor but we cannot be sure.

 

Herman: Oops.  Um, sorry but I think I hit the wrong button—it appears I activated the escape pods manually.

 

The room was silent for 14 seconds.

 

Mel: What?

 

Herman: Well, the buttons are not labeled so I guessed.

 

Mel: Well try the other jettison button just to make sure.

 

Marvin: Okay.

 

End of recording

Imprint

Text: James Gerard Burch
Images: Right to use purchased from dervish15@Fotolia.com
Editing: James Gerard Burch
Publication Date: 09-24-2015

All Rights Reserved

Dedication:
Dedicated to those in search of what exactly does "according to them" and "they say" mean.