The New Pun Book, Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey [reading books for 5 year olds txt] 📗
- Author: Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey
Book online «The New Pun Book, Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey [reading books for 5 year olds txt] 📗». Author Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey
"I'd like to see your mistress. Is she engaged?"
"Lord, sir! she's married; been married for twenty years."
[135]Brown—I hear that they use all sorts of materials in the manufacture of illuminating gas, nowadays.
Jones—True. They even make light of the consumer's complaints.
"Not crossed," cried Pat. "Be jaber,
'Tis jist that aich is jealous of
The beauty av its neighbor."
The other day the head of a boarding-school noticed one of the boys wiping his knife on the table-cloth, and pounced on him at once.
"Is that what you do at home?" he asked indignantly.
"Oh, no," answered the boy quickly, "we have clean knives."
John—Say, do you want to get next to a scheme for making money fast?
Tom—Sure I do.
John—Glue it to the floor.
[136]"Pa," said little Willie, who had been reading a treatise on phrenology, "what is a bump of destructiveness?"
"Why—er—a railroad collision, I suppose,"
And kissed her finger tips;
But he lost out. Another man
Came by and kissed her lips.
"Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, "I hope you are not going into politics."
"What made you think of that?"
"I heard you talking in your sleep about 'standing pat.'"
And when the performance was done,
"Alas!" exclaimed he, examining his fee,
"I add one to one and make one."
Mistress (to cook who has fallen down stairs)—I hope that you did not hurt yourself, Mary?
Mary—Oh, no, ma'am; Oi overtook meself at the bottom.
In order to settle with Paul,
But some of us merely rob Peter
And Paul never sees us at all.
She—"I think this a lovely hat you bought me, George, but really it's a sin to pay $50.00 for it."
He—"Well, the sin is on your own head, not mine."
Boost, and you boost alone!
When you roast good and loud
You will find that the crowd
Has a hammer as big as your own!
"How did you cure your boy of swearing?"
"By the laying on of hands, principally."
"Ma, what is a Panama man called?"
"A Panaman, Johnny."
"Then what is a Panama woman?"
"If she's married and obeys President Roosevelt she's just a plain Panama."
May court again another day;
But he who weds and courts girls still
May go to court against his will.
A notice at a small depot near Manchester reads:
"Passengers are requested to cross over the railway by the subway."
This reminds us of the oft-quoted notice put up at the ford of an Irish river:
"When this board is under water the river is unpassable."
But she thought it was immense:
With new green peas and other things
It cost her ninety cents.
Little Willie—Papa, why does the railway company have those cases with the ax and saw in every car?
Father—I presume they are put in to use in case anyone wants to open a window.
Its contents were sprinkled all over the fire,
And all that poor Kathleen O'Donohue knows is,
This dull world has changed for a sphere that is higher.
"He seems to have gone to the bad completely."
"Yes; I believe he found himself between the devil and the deep sea, and he realized that he couldn't swim."
He had to confess
That marriage with him
Was a howling success.
The Spinster—How many lodges did you say your husband belonged to?
The Wife—Fifteen.
The Spinster—My goodness! just think of a man being out fifteen nights a week! Well, I'm glad that I'm an old maid.
Horrible their fate—
Cannibals picked clean their bones
Then they were ate.
Judge—You are charged with profanity.
Prisoner—I am not.
Judge—You are, sir. What do you mean?
Prisoner—I was, but I got rid of it.
Said Jiggins, "Then 'twould seem
You really ought to try and hide
Your lack of self-esteem."
"Kind lady," remarked the weary wayfarer, "can you oblige me with something to eat?"
"Go to the woodshed and take a few chops," replied the kind lady.
Lady (after the tramp finishes eating)—It's merely a suggestion—the woodpile is in the back yard.
Tramp—You don't say! What a splendid place for a woodpile!
Said the young man, "Yes, quite true;"
Then, added, as he viewed her complexion,
"And art is quite beautiful, too."
"Make your coat and waistcoat first."
He brings us the babies whenever he will;
Then comes the doctor, and when he is through,
You find that he has a big bill, too.
"Dearest," whispered Cordelia, after she had captured the coveted solitaire, "I have a confession to make. I am a cooking school graduate."
Clarence shuddered.
"Oh, well," he rejoined, after the manner of one resigned to his fate, "we can board."
And d-o-u-g-h spells dough,
Does s-n-o-u-g-h spell snuff?
Or, simply snow?
[142]The Wife (savagely)—Don't let me catch you flirting.
The Husband (meekly)—No, dear, never again. That's the way you did catch me, you know!
But that, alas! didn't endure.
For ere many months had passed over his head,
He wished that she was one for sure.
Elderly Man (greeting former acquaintance)—"I remember your face perfectly, miss, but your name has escaped me."
The Young Woman—"I don't wonder. It escaped me three years ago. I am married now."
"I can't tell what they mean."
"Good! they'll make dollars then," cried he,
"In any magazine."
[143]The Barber—Did I ever shave you before?
The Victim—Yes, once.
The Barber—I don't remember your face.
The Victim—No; I suppose not. It's all healed up now.
A circumstance I dreaded,
But the only likeness I can see
Is that we're both bald-headed.
"Do you think the things one eats have a direct effect on one's disposition?"
"Well, rather. We had Indian meal pudding so often at our house that everybody got savage."
"I once saw a man at a meeting of a mothers' club."
"That's nothing; I once saw a teetotaler on a fishing trip."
As you go your way;
Bluffing may not always help you—
Many times it may.
Men may rail at you—
But you'll see by watching closely
That they're bluffing, too.
The butcher is a fair minded fellow. He is always willing to meet his customers half weigh.
Beauty or wealth she did not lack—
But the game was euchre that Cupid played,
And the Queen was won by a Jack.
"So you paid $1,000 for a cook stove! Don't you think that was a good deal?"
"Yes, but they threw in a cook with it: she was warranted to stay two years!"
"I'm going to cut the corn," she said.
"Can I go with you, my pretty maid?"
"You're no chiropodist," she said.
[145]Medium—Do you believe in spirits?
Busyman (off guard)—When taken in moderation, yes.
"You never bought a gold brick, did you?" asked the admiring friend.
"Not exactly," answered Mr. Cumrox. "But I once came mighty near having a French count for a son-in-law."
Was all her own fault;
She first turned to "rubber,"
And then turned to salt.
I was in the depot restaurant of one of the great railroads, and was asked why am I standing while drinking my coffee. All the rest of us sit down.
I replied, solemnly, that "I was always told to stand for the weak."
He sent them every hour,
But now they're married and he sends
Her home a cauliflower.
[146]John—I went into a restaurant to-day. The lemon pie that I had was a peach.
Tom—That's nothing, I went into a saloon and had no money, so I let the beer settle.
His face was stern;
Her hand was in his'n,
His'n was in her'n.
Jack—"My wife's a fine shot. She can hit a dollar every time."
Fred—"That's nothing, my wife goes through my trousers and never misses a dime."
A man wanted a ticket to New York, and only had a $2 bill. It required $3 to get the ticket. He took the $2 bill to a pawnshop, pawned it for $1.50. On his way back to the depot he met a friend, to whom he sold the pawn ticket for $1.50. That gave him $3. Now, who's out that dollar?
Said Doolittle to Dunn.
"Of course it is, if the dog will wait
Until I get my gun."
[147]"No, indeed," she said, "I can never be your wife. Why, I had half a dozen offers before yours."
"Huh!" rejoined the young man in the case. "That's nothing. I proposed to at least a dozen girls before I met you."
Who put on a great many airs,
She stepped on a peel of banana,
And now she's laid up for repairs.
"What sort of labor is best paid in this country?" asked the English tourist.
"Field labor," answered the native American.
"Is that a fact?" queried the Englishman, who was inclined to be a bit skeptical.
"Sure," replied the other. "You ought to see the salaries our baseball players get."
The saw's more sad than witty,
The public gathers 'round to play,
The trust controls the "kitty."
[148]George—I can't understand why my girl shook me.
Harold—What was that you wrote to her the last time?
George—All that I said was, "My Dear Susie: The dog I promised you has just died. Hoping these few lines will find you the same. Yours, George."
This life a bitter cup....
How many hoopskirts will it take
To fill a trolley car up?
"Speaking of accommodating hotel clerks," remarked a Portland commercial traveller, "the best I ever saw was in a
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