The New Pun Book, Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey [reading books for 5 year olds txt] 📗
- Author: Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey
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Will continue to work though it strikes!
"I don't think my religion will be any obstacle to your church," he urged; "I am a spiritualist."
"I am afraid it will," she replied "Pa is a prohibitionist, you know."
"One day in the dining-car, the boy across the aisle got to laughing so, he couldn't stop. I said to his mother, 'that boy needs a spanking.' She said, 'well, I don't believe in spanking a boy on a full stomach.' I said, 'neither do I. Turn him over-'"
The tramp should never complain of hunger when he can always enjoy a little loaf.
But her suitor saw right through her;
She meant she could not cash a check,
Unless the banker knew her.
[78]"I understand that Judge Brown is breaking up housekeeping."
"That can't be. He's very busy these days deciding divorce cases."
"Well, isn't that what I said?"
"That was a pretty good dog story, wasn't it?" asked Dinwiddie, as he finished telling one.
"Yes," replied Gaswell; "but it was too long. It ought to have been curtailed."
Casey bet on a horse which finished last. He went down to the paddock, called out the jockey who had ridden him and said: "In hivin's name, young man, phwat delayed you?"
"And you really think that a miss is as good as a mile?"
"Yaas, and a good deal better, for one can kiss a miss, when one couldn't kiss a mile, don'cher know?"
Friend—Do you permit your wife to have her own way?
Husband (positively)—No, sir. She has it without my permission.
[79]"I'm not surprised that hair-dressers feel so much at ease in the society of the great."
"You're not?"
"No; they are surrounded at home by any number of big-wigs."
She—They say the eyes are the windows of the soul, I believe.
He—Yes; and when a man goes into a drug store and shuts a window quickly, the clerk knows just about what the poor soul wants.
Boy (with new gun)—"Pa, has a cat got nine lives?"
Papa (donor of gun)—"Yes, so we are told. Why do you ask?"
Boy—"Well, then, Mr. Brown's tabby's got eight coming to her."
"What became of that girl you made love to in the hammock?"
"We fell out."
"Did you hear the story about the peacock?"
"No."
"It's a beautiful tale."
[80]"Boss, hab you got any ob dem confound cavortic pills?"
"Yes. Do you want them plain or coated?"
"Dunno. I want dem ones what's whitewashed."
"Why is a kiss like the three graces?"
"Its faith to a girl; hope to a young woman and charity to an old maid."
"Things are wrong," remarked the observer of events and things, "when a reputable physician has to pay money for a certificate to practice, and a fourteen-year-old girl with a new piano doesn't."
"In choosing a wife," said the scanty-haired philosopher, "one should never judge by appearances."
"That's right," rejoined the very young man. "The homeliest girls usually have the most money."
"Say, did you ever feel as if you wanted to 'hit the pipe?'"
"No, but I've often felt as if I wanted to hit the man who was smoking it."
[81]"It was this a-way, jedge: Ye see, I doled de cards, and Jim Brown he had a pah of aces and a pah of kings."
"What did you have?"
"Three aces, jedge, and——"
"What did Jim do?"
"Jim, he drew."
"What did he draw?"
"He drew a razzer, jedge."
"Have you received last month's gas bill, dear?"
"Yes, husband."
"Well, what's the charge of the light brigade?"
"You are absolutely certain about your statement?" asked the lawyer.
"Absolutely certain," assented the witness.
"You swear that this is true?"
"I do."
"Would you bet on it?"
"Er—well—yes, if I got the right odds."
"Where did you get that hair on your coat?"
"From the head of the bed."
[82]Mr. B.—"You won't want that new novel now that you have the new baby, will you?"
Mrs. B.—"Yes, I want them both. To have and to hold."
She—"You say your automobile has been acting strangely all day?"
He—"Yes; it has stopped I don't know how many times."
She—"And what are you putting the oil on it for?"
He—"To stop it stopping."
"Massachusetts is noted for boots and shoes."
"Yes and Kentucky is noted for shoots and booze."
"Only the highest element in local society was invited to the ball."
"Oh, I see! It was a high-ball."
She—"A writer says that in order to succeed a man must be ninety-five per cent. backbone."
He—"Oh, I don't know. A good many who have managed to arrive are ninety-five per cent. cheek."
[83]Sillicus—Do you think we shall know each other in the hereafter?
Cynicus—I hope so. Few of us really know each other here.
Some fellows marry poor girls to settle down and others marry rich ones to settle up.
Some people who jump at conclusions lose sight of the hurdles.
"It's a dridful bother to me that I have to be sewing buttons on me own clothes. If I was only a married man I'd ask me woife niver to allow our son to grow up an ould batchler like his fayther."
She—You can't eat cake and keep it.
He—Oh, yes, you can—the kind you make.
I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf."
"Raise my rent!" replies Thomas; "your honor's main good.
For I never can raise it myself."
[84]Scene—Cabstand. Lady distributing tracts, hands one to cabby, who glances at it, hands it back and says politely, "Thank you, lady, but I'm a married man." Lady nervously looks at the title, and reading, "Abide with me," hurriedly departs, to the great amusement of cabby.
Sentimental Wife—Last night I dreamt that I was in heaven.
Gruff Husband—You did, eh? Why the deuce didn't you stay there?
"Then, Johnnie, dear," said she,
"If all is true that I have heard,
A bottle goes with me."
A Frankfort man has written a farce comedy called "Vaccine." It ought to take.
As the umpire shouted "Three balls!" the batsman started guiltily.
"This isn't the first time I've raised something on a diamond," he muttered, as he hit the next one and knocked a pop-fly to the pitcher.
[85]Husband—"Where's your mistress? She said she'd be ready in a minute, and I've waited half an hour."
Maid—"She'll be down in a second, sir. She's changing her complexion to match her new gown."
She sang in plaintive key;
And all the neighbors yelled,
"So are we! so are we."
"Pa, what does Sioux Falls, S.D., mean?"
"Eh? Sioux Falls is the name of a town."
"And what's S.D.?"
"Swift divorce, of course."
For when it's not in soak
It's set back if it gets ahead
And scorned whene'er it's broke.
Said, "Gambling's a terrible vice,
But one thing I know,
This matching for dough
Is a thing that's exceedingly nice."
[86]Firemen, as well as other people, like to talk of their flames.
The speaker of the house is in deadly peril when every member on the floor wants to get his eye.
I asked a young lady living on her pa's farm what they did with all their fruit? Says she: "We eat all we can and can all we can't."
Regular Caller—"I'd like to see your father, Tommy, if he isn't engaged."
Tommy—"He is; but what is the matter with Clara? She isn't engaged."
"What is a swell affair, Jim?"
"Swell affair! lemme see. Ah! yes, I know—a boil."
"Something else, try again."
"No, give it up."
"A hill, ye know. Don't ye see, a hill is a swell affair, and besides all hills have got crests."
"There's a great art," says Mickey Dolan, "in knowing what not to know whin yez don't want to know it."
[87]"And so Prof. Greene has at last discovered the missing link! Where did he find it?"
"Under the bureau, I understand."
"Young ladies who feel anxious to preserve the most symmetrical anatomical proportions, should never be in a hurry. They should remember that 'haste' makes waist."
"Anything new in your neighborhood?" we asked a farmer.
"Yes, the whole neighborhood is stirred up," he replied.
"What is the cause?" we asked eagerly.
"Ploughing."
"I don't give a rap," said the coachman, haughtily, as he rang the electric bell.
She seemed such an amiable hephyr.
When the farmer drew near,
She kicked off his ear,
And now the old farmer's much dephyr.
[88]"Are you engaged?" inquired the lady of Bridget at the intelligence office. "No, mum, but I have regular company for four nights o' the week."
How to gain flesh—buy out a butcher shop.
Ida—"Yes, dear, this is one of those 'perfume' concerts the same as they have in New York."
May—"Perfume? Why I smell gasoline."
Ida—"Well, you see, they are playing the 'Automobile March' now."
When the curtain at the theater takes a drop the majority of the males in the audience go out to follow suit.
"There's one peculiar feature about the trust business."
"What?"
"Those interested in it don't need it."
"Don't need what?"
"Trust. They can pay cash."
A woman's shoe that is "a mile too big," is never a foot in length.
Does from the public gaze two monstrous patches hide.
The glazier is not necessarily a tiresome man because he "gives you a pane."
"Some men are easily satisfied," remarked the Observer of Events and Things. "There is the clock-maker, for instance, he never gets any extra pay, and yet every day he works overtime."
A poacher, surprised at his work and pursued in his escape by a vengefully thrown axe, remarked, as he vaulted a fence: "I have no fault to find with your remarks, but I object to the axe-sent."
Take away my first letter, take away my second letter, take away all my letters and I am still the same. What am I? The postman.
"You have been losing flesh lately, haven't you?" "Yes, I've been shaving myself."
[90]
We witness every day;
Behold the corset-and you'll see
The whale-bone comes to STAY.
He—Did you ever see anything at so-called bargain sales that was really cheap?
She—Yes; the look on the man's face who accompanied his wife to one of them.
Teacher of Drawing Class—"Willie, tell me how you would make a maltese cross."
Willie—"Step on his tail, mum."
Guest—"Look here, waiter, do you call this a spring chicken? By the lord Harry, it is as tough as a mother-in-law's tongue."
Waiter—"Yes, sir, I suppose it was hatched from a hardboiled egg!"
"About the only time my tailor gives his customers regular fit," said Buttons, "is when they neglect to pay their bills."
[91]A man with the heart disease is about the only chap who desires a "regular beat" for a bosom friend.
The landlord came to Mrs. O'Hooligan on the first day of May last, and said: "See here, my foine loidy, I am going to raise your rent." "Oh thanks be to the Lord," said Mrs. O'Hooligan, "I'm so glad that you intend to raise it for me as Dan aint' working and I'm nather able nor willing to raise it myself."
He—The bride looks
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