Fairy Tales & Other Murders, Mike Marino [namjoon book recommendations txt] 📗

- Psycho Santa & The Time Machine

 

One thing that all horrific unsolved historical killings have in common is the singular significant and overlooked forensic factor. A fear factor in fact that by admitting it rather than omitting it causes our psyche’s to short circuit faster than a tab of  brown acid at Woodstock. The only person alive during each and every murder throughout time was Santa F. Claus!

 

I have found proof that cannot be disputed. Santa had a time machine sleigh to do his slaying. One  minute he’s Dr. Jekyll Claus, passing out candy canes and visions of sugar plums to impressionable children while breaking and entering through soot filled chimneys.  The next, after a stop at his meth lab, he’s the psychotic Mr. Hyde seeking helpless victims with a veritable variety of heinous weapons from a terror filled toy box!

 

Time machine sleigh? You scoff! You deride? You disbelieve? How else could he possibly circle the globe to drop off toys to every child on planet Earth and leave a trail of DOA in his wake as he zooms through history.  That’s right...A Time Machine! What better cover than a jolly old elf in a bright red suit to lure his victims to a holiday demise. Look what John Wayne Gacy did in a clown costume. Rigoletto on a rampage! As for the eight tiny reindeer, feed them narcotics and they will fly believe me! Been there done that myself.

 

Santa, according to meticulous records kept at the North Pole Fortress of Solitude,  was also responsible for shooting down Amelia Earhart’s plane. Seems she was actually flying over Santa’s workshop airspace at the Pole. She saw the signs that said North Pole, and mistakenly thought she must be in Northern  Poland home Northern Poles, so she  continued her journey deeper into restricted territory. Santa scrambled his stealth reindeer anti ballistic sleighs to intercept - all locked onto target and they fired. Later the wreckage was moved to a Japanese held island and blamed on the Japanese just as we blamed them for Godzilla and raw fish.

 

Take the assassination of president Lincoln! We are taught in our elementary history books that J. W. Booth shot him, but later to pay the toll at the Toll Booth. Our American Cousin has begun on the stage at the Ford Theater (Notice too..Ford is a car brand, as is a Lincoln, in fact Ford makes Lincolns. Make sense? or Cents? One Cent..a Lincoln penny for your thoughts?) It was actually Santa who did the deed. Lincoln reportedly told Virginia, yes, there is a Santa Claus and was about to release his secret identity breaking the Presidential oath of Omerto. A contract was put out on him by John “Jingles” Gotti. Santa sneaks into the presidential box and whacks the guy. He then leaps to the stage, drops his candy cane and someone in the audience shouts out..."Leave the candy canes, take the fruitcakes!!" Lincoln is gone....in his wake he left us taxes, the draft, the rise of the Ku Klux Klan, the Indian Wars and a penny that ain't worth a plug nickle...freedom? All relative..but damn...he was Lincoln..the Man, the Car and the Tunnel!!!

 

Santa also roamed the hills of Hollywood causing murder and mayhem. The Black Dahlia is one of Hollywood’s most bizarre and infamous murders along with the assasination of mobster Bugsy Siegel. Both unsolved to this day, both committed by Psycho Santa!

 

The most infamous of all Santa slayings has to be The Ripper Killings. Some claim it was a member of the Royal Pain in the Ass Family who did the nefrious deeds, while still others say it was a skilled surgeon with a scalpel with a hatred of soiled doves...OK, hookers. New facts have emerged showing that Santa was rolled one night in the East End of London while on his toybag rounds and three hookers turned him down for sex. He said he knew who was naughty or nice and had a list and would turn them all into Scotland Yard if they didn’t comply with his sexual desire to have them pose as reindeer hitched to his sleigh while they were to be mounted by Donder and Blitzen. All went well until Rudolp stuck his electric nose in one of them and gave them a red glow and a shock as he short circuited while going up their chimney!!  Santa, now enraged began a campaign of murder and soon on the prostitute laden streets of foggy London Town...not a creature was stirring...not even a mouse.

Psycho Santa was a deranged demented demon. He was devil but did not wear Prada...he wore a red suit and an Edmund Gwinn beard. One other thing...as he whacked each victim he is known to have said to them as they took thier last breath...It WAS a wonderful life...Merry Christmas to all...you died by my knife!

Chapter 24 - Ru Paul Rudolph the Red Nosed Transsexual

Santa Claus...a man we visualize as machismo on ice from the North Pole with manly beard who handles a sleigh with the fearless skill and acumen of an adrenalin rushing bulletproof NASCAR redneck driver on the track at Talladega. He dons a fierce red suit and carries a whip in one hand...able to leap tall buildings in a single bound with the help of eight V-8 powered reindeer more powerful than Clysedale horses and able to break land speed records on the Bonneville Salt Flats! He commands the power of godfather Vito Corleone ruling over his family of hit men elves.

I have discovered in my research that all is not as it may seem at first glance. The Ho Ho Ho He was once a Ho Ho Ho She! Santa Claus was once known as Sandra Claus!!!!
It all began when Sandra and Rudolph watched the transvestite Ed Wood film Glen or Glenda. Rudolph at the time was moonlighting as a female reindeer impersonator at a dive club at the North Pole under the name of Ru Paul Rudolph and decided then and there to go all the way with a sex change. He was originally from Lapland where he was a transvestite lap dancer and prancer vixen with one hell of donder flaming blitzen in his reindeer thong so had been to Denmark many times and new the score.

Many misconceptions about Rudolph are as mythic as the Loch Ness Monster. Remember the old Rudolph cartoon where he meets another reindeer, a female named Clarice? Lies...all lies...in reality Rudolph went to Denmark and after the sex change operation became CLARICE!!!

The other 7 reindeer were nervous in the locker room when Rudolph/Clarice wanted to play some strange reindeer games in the shower with the others. Why do you think the let him up in front of the sleigh on Christmas Eve? Don’t buy into the bullshit “Rudolph with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”
The truth is...no reindeer wanted Rudolph rooting around behind their haunches with a red bulb ready ready to play suppository!

Christmas Eves is a night of fear and loathing, not just in Las Vegas, but in the fanciful flights of reindeer fanny’s as Santa yells out “On Hashbowl, Tiny Dancer, Mincing Prancer, Va Va Voom Vixen (former topless reindeer dancer at the St. Nick Strip Club), Vomit, Stupid, Donner Party and Blitzkrieg (the former nasty Nazi German reindeer who still goosesteps to disco records by the Village People)

This Christmas Eve...look to the skies….and duck and cover!!! It’s Rudolph in rut looking for someone to fuck 

Chapter 25 - Sexopoly: Is Your Sex Life a Board Game?

Look at it this way...does your sex life feel like a game of “Battleship” or does it end up being more like the game “Sorry?” Most guys think of themselves as battleships, aircraft carriers and nuclear submarines and can sink the Bismark but when the performance is over...she may look at the whole affair as nothing more than “Trivial Pursuit!”

 

Maybe you have Zebulon Pike delusions of reaching the sexual orgasmic summit of Candyland. The game requires no reading and minimal counting skills, and best of all, there is no strategy involved. Most guys feel they can conquer Gumdrop Mountain and thaw out Queen Frostine, but instead end up as Sponge Bob lost in the Molasses Swamp.

 

In the sexual frontier of the game of “Clue” most men feel they are as wily and virile as Col, Mustard but soon misjudge their prowess and realize, maybe they can’t cut the mustard anymore as he discovers he can’t even find his knife in the ballroom while Ms. Scarlet reflects that he can’t hold a candlestick to Professor Plum’s lead pipe!

 

Monopoly is a real ball buster of the male ego. The Male views himself as a mansion on Boardwalk, but ends up being a Rescue Mission on Baltic Avenue. Worse yet, he sometimes can’t pass GO to collect..or in sexual parlance, make a deposit, but nonetheless is willing to take a “Chance” and hopes to hell he doesn’t end up tied to a railroad track in a failed attempt to enjoy the fruits of his female partners Community Chest!

 

Toys and sex also play a factor in the libido quest for gratification, He may picture himself as a manly macho GI Joe action figure with a virile Slinky, but Betsy Wetsy who by the very name is ready for action is disappointed when his performance is more Silly Putty in nature.

 

The male of the species takes special pride from self inflated egos in being as stiff and firm as a Lincoln Log, but in the end, (no pun intended, unless you feel “pun”ished) he may only be a stack of plastic Legos.

 

Most men also take special pride in their Erector Sets but fail miserably and turn out to be stack of playing cards falling apart at the last minute. His action figure self image degenerates into a fine portrayal of Mr. Potato Head.

 

Electric trains entering tunnels is very Fellini and most boys until they are men don’t realize the sexual ramifications of an engine cannonballing into a dark hole, whistle blowing and smoke rising..if that ain’t two track orgasm I don’t know what is. The manly man views himself as a human dildo but in the long run she regards him as a slot car