A Humorous History of England, Charles Harrison [top fiction books of all time txt] 📗
- Author: Charles Harrison
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Nor father with his sons so bad.
Becket
This the first ‘Plantagenet’ King
With Becket strove like anything;
Church v. Crown
Which should be Master, Church or Crown
Pull-King Pull-Bishop; both went down.
Thomas was murdered by four Knights
On steps of Altar—Sorry wights:
With bleeding feet the King atones
By pilgrimage to Becket’s bones.
Despite his struggles with the Church
He knocked the barons off their perch,
Fifteen hundred Castles razing
In a manner quite amazing.
Law
Trial by jury further grows;
The King’s Court in this reign arose;
Our Parliaments from this proceed
And all our other Courts indeed.
Linen
Linen’s first used in twelve-five
Woollens alone in vogue before.
Glass Windows
In eleven-eight-nought first came to pass
The novelty of window glass.
And doubtless playful little boys
Full of children’s simple joys,
Cracked as our youngsters often do
With stones or ball a pane or two.
Richard Cœur de Lion 1189–1199
Cœur de Lion from one Crusade
Returning was a prisoner made.
But Blondel played an Air he knew,
The King joined in; Voil� the clue.
This catchy tune in a pleasant key
Opened the door to liberty.
John 1199–1216
AND so we’ll quickly journey on
Until we reach the reign of John;
A King whose list of crimes was heavy;
He treated badly his young ‘Nevvy’.
Magna Charta 1215
He signed the Magna Charta. Yes;
In twelve-fifteen, but we may guess
With much ill grace and many a twist;
For King John wrote an awful fist.
John loses Normandy to France
And by this beneficial chance
In England comes amalgamation;
Normans and Saxons form one Nation
Robin Hood
And now we come to Robin Hood,
The Forest bandit of Sherwood,
A popular hero much belauded
But not by folks whom he’d defrauded.
There’s no need to descant upon
His boon companion ‘Little John’;
Or ‘Friar Tuck’ so overblown
He tipped the scale at fifteen stone.
Henry III. 1216–1272
AND what of Henry number Three,
The King who suffered poverty?
It’s very awkward we must own
To be ‘hard up’ when on a Throne;
To have to scrape up an amount
To pay the butcher on account,
Or ask a dun in Kingly way
To kindly call some other day.
Coinage 1257
In twelve-five-seven it is stated
Gold was coined and circulated,
Ha’pence and farthings just before;
In those times worth a great deal more.
Langton Died 1228
The Bible which from over seas
Had no chapters and no verses
Was by Archbishop Langton’s skill
Divided as we use it still.
Why was it Henry III. allowed
At court a huge rapacious crowd
To drain his coffers nearly dry
Flattering with cajolery?
Astrology
MANY simple folk, (it’s queer)
Used to patronise the seer
And pay cash down for magic spell
Perchance a Horoscope as well.
Or open wide at special rate
That musty tome the Book of Fate;
Or seek the Philtre’s subtle aid
To win the hand of some fair maid.
We mus’nt miss the Troubadours
Who went forth on their singing tours,
Twanging harps and trilling lays
To maids of medieval days.
And Oh! the right good merry times
With Maskers, Mummers and the Mimes,
Hobby horses gaily prancing,
Bats and Bowls and Maypole dancing.
When folks would take a lengthy journey
To see the Knights at Joust or Tourney:
Or watch the early English ‘Knuts’
Show their skill at Archery butts.
Then come gloomy History pages
On torture of the Middle ages;
The clanking fetters grim and black,
The thumbscrew and the awful rack,
The horrors of the dungeon deep
Beneath the moat or castle keep,
Rusty locks and heavy keys
And—let us change the subject, please.
First House of Commons twelve-six-five,
At Westminster they all arrive.
Simon de Montfort 1265
Simon de Montfort was the man
Who ‘engineered’ this useful plan.
And we can picture these M.P.s
Newly fledged and ill at ease
Doing their level best to try
To catch the embryo speaker’s eye.
Edward I. 1272–1307
EDWARD First ‘Longshanks’ nicknamed
For his lengthy stride far-famed.
Here he is in twelve-seven-two
Bounding along with much ado.
A Soldier, Statesman and a King
His lofty ideals picturing
That England, Scotland, Wales all three,
United should one country be.
First Prince of Wales 1282
In twelve-eight-two annexes Wales;
Where afterwards no strife prevails.
He promised a Prince with English
So gave his new-born speechless son.
Edward I. 1272–1307 (continued)
NEXT Scotland Edward tries to tackle
No easy task the Scotch to shackle;
Wallace and Bruce resistance make,
The King dies ere he gains the stake.
In Edward’s reign some author writes
They first used candle dips for lights;
And coal came in about this date
Mixed (as to-day) with lots of slate.
So Monarchs, Barons, Dukes and Knights
Warmed their toes with Derby Brights;
But those in hovels had the smuts
Arising from cheap Kitchen Nuts.
Roger Bacon 1293
Roger Bacon (ob. twelve-nine-three)
Versed was in arts of alchemy;
Gunpowder’s composition knew;
And many another chemic brew.
Many Mortmain Acts are passed;
Six centuries these efforts last
To stop the hungry Hierarchy
Devouring all the Squirearchy.
Lollards 1307
Lollards in thirteen-seven arose
Popish rituals to oppose;
John Wycliffe gives to old and young
The Bible in the vulgar tongue.
With John of Gaunt’s protection strong
He dared to preach ’gainst cleric wrong;
Precursor of the Reformation
To liberal thought attuned the nation.
Edward II. 1307–1327
EDWARD the Second with his minions
Governs badly these dominions
Edward III. 1327–1377
His son a man of different mould
Was Edward Three, both wise and bold.
Through clinging to their French domains
Our Kings are French through many reigns
And Edward fighting in this cause
Commenced a hundred years of Wars.
A century’s struggle. For our pains
Only Calais town remains.
French Wars
A century after this ’twas lost,
In Mary’s reign. Oh! what a frost.
Weaving 1331
In thirteen-three-one England’s taught
Weaving by men from Flanders brought.
Ryghte goode cloth with lots of ‘body’
The world was then not up to ‘shoddy.’
Blanket of Bristol in this year
Invented blankets for our cheer;
And since that time its been our boast
Our beds have been as warm as toast.
Edward ‘Black Prince’ One-three-four-six,
A brave and noble warrior, ‘licks’
Crecy 1346
The valiant French in Crecy’s fray;
Cannon first used upon this day,
Causing panic with their rattle;
But the Yeomen win the battle,
For, flicking arrows from their bows
They ‘filled the air as when it snows.’
Thereon the English Calais seize
And of the channel hold the keys;
The Spanish pirates bend the knee
Then Edward III’s ‘King of the sea.’
Parliament 1376
Lords and Commons from this date
Have their meetings separate,
The Commons first a Speaker make
The Chancellors the Woolsack take.
Ten lady members have the Lords
But doubtless fearful of their words,
Or thinking it not orthodoxy,
They only let them vote by proxy.
While Church and Barons have their squabbles
The House of Commons more power nobbles;
On laws and taxes dares speak out
And give the Pope the right-about.
Leasing
LEASING or Farming, we are taught,
Was introduced ’bout twelve-nought-nought;
The Feudal system’s weakened and
The Tenants ‘usufruct’ the land.
On various counts the serfs go free
And work for wages (Edward Three).
The Black Death and the foreign wars
In labour ranks commotion cause;
Strikes and craftsmen’s combination
Then arise among the nation;
These movements preached by one John Ball,
Who, born too soon, was hanged withal.
Richard II. 1377–1399
NOW comes the Second Richard’s reign.
It is recorded very plain
That he was full of discontent
Quarrelling with his Parliament.
Poll Tax 1380
With his taxes super-sated
The peasants grew exasperated;
They threw their spades and pitchforks down
And marched as rebels into town.
Thirteen-eighty’s Poll taxation
Puts equal tax on all the nation;
Lays seven thousand peasants dead;
Wat Tyler and Jack Straw at head.
Pr�munire
Pr�munire Act is passed
To check the Papal Bulls at last.
Chaucer
Chaucer the Poet this same year
Makes Pilgrimage to Becket’s bier.
Age of Chivalry
This was the age, aye verily,
Of ryghte goode noble chivalry,
When Knights went forth through storm and stress
To rescue beauty in distress.
Or sallied out in valiant way
A monster dragon for to slay,
Or with lance or trusty blade
Defend from harm the hapless maid.
Henry IV. 1399–1413
HENRY Four, called ‘Bolingbroke’
In Richard’s wheel puts many a spoke;
Compels him to resign the throne
Which thereupon he makes his own.
Through John of Gaunt, Lancastrian famed,
His title to the crown he claimed;
The Parliament confirms his right
And thus he’s king without a fight.
Lollards 1401
In this reign persecution’s turned
Against the Lollards—Cobham’s burned.
Incredible! The records show
A statute ‘de Comburondo.’
Henry V. 1413–1422
FROM fourteen-thirteen, Henry Five,
For many years with France did strive;
His Widow founds the Tudor House
By taking Owen for her spouse.
Henry VI. 1422–1461
HENRY Six, next in our rhymes,
For fifty years had troublous times;
Wars of Roses, Wars with France,
The poor man never had a chance.
Joan of Arc 1430
Joan of Arc the peasant Maid
Inspired the French with Mystic aid;
Disunited, we make peace,
All France but Calais we release.
Constantinople 1453
Constantinople’s seized by Turks
Causing Greek Scholars (with their works)
To fly to Italy; and thence
Learning’s reborn—‘The Renaissance.’
Edward IV. 1461–1483
IN Edward Fourth, fourteen-six-one
The House of York obtains the Throne.
He wins at Towton’s bloody fray,
No quarter given on that day.
Guy, Earl of
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