A Humorous History of England, Charles Harrison [top fiction books of all time txt] 📗
- Author: Charles Harrison
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[front cover]
Concerning
(Poorness of Blood.)
IN MEN AND WOMEN,
BY THE LATE
DR. ANDREW WILSON.
The public are very familiar with the term “An�mia,” and this fact alone testifies to the extremely common nature of the ailment thus indicated.
As a rule An�mia shows a gradual progress. There is experienced a feeling of lassitude, of being “easily tired out,” and a distaste for active exertion. The digestion is enfeebled, and, without feeling actually ill, the sufferer inclines towards an inactive life, while the appetite usually disappears, and a general bodily upset is represented. The lips are pale, the red of the eyelids, seen by turning down the lower eyelid, will exhibit a similar appearance. Breathlessness is another notable sign; the least exertion, going upstairs for instance, causes the sufferer to pant, because the heart, not being supplied with blood of good quality, cannot perform its work properly. The pulse is weak and irregular.
For AN�MIA (shown by breathlessness on slight exertion, pallor, depression and weakness) Doctors prescribe the well-known Iron Jelloids No. 2.—there is nothing better.
For DEBILITY, WEAKNESS and NERVINESS, Men find the Ideal Tonic and Restorative in Iron Jelloids No. 2A.
A Ten Days Treatment (price 1/3) will convince you.
(Pronounced Jell-Lloyds.)
Reliable Tonic for Men Iron Jelloids No. 2A. For An�mia in Men and Women Iron Jelloids No. 2. For Growing Children Iron Jelloids No. 1.Of all Chemists. A Ten Days Treatment 1/3. Large size 3/-
Manufactured by The Iron Jelloid Co., Ltd., 189, Central Street, London, E.C.1. England.
A HUMOROUS
HISTORY OF ENGLAND TOLD AND PICTURED
BY
C. HARRISON Published by
WARRICK & BIRD,
4, Nile Street, London, N.1.
1920.
[p2]
BOADICEA.
Preface
“Arms and the man” was Virgil’s strain;
But we propose in lighter vein
To browse a crop from pastures (Green’s)
Of England’s Evolution scenes.
Who would from facts prognosticate
The future progress of this State,
Must own the chiefest fact to be
Her escalator is the Sea.
Prehistoric
HISTORIANS erudite and sage,
When writing of the past stone age,
Tell us man once was clothed in skins
And tattooed patterns on his shins.
Rough bearded and with shaggy locks
He lived in dug-outs in the rocks.
Was often scared and run to earth
By creatures of abnormal girth:
Mammoths and monsters; truth to tell
We find their names too long to spell.
He joined in little feuds no doubt;
And with his weapons fashioned out
Of flint, went boldly to the fray;
And cracked a skull or two per day.
Druids
WE read of priests of Celtic day,
Ancient Druids, holding sway
By smattering of Occult law
And man’s eternal sense of awe.
Stonehenge
They used Stonehenge on Salisbury Plain
Reputed Prehistoric Fane;
Note each megalithic boulder;
No Monument in Europe’s older.
Phœnicians
MERCHANT explorers of that day,
Hustling Phœnicians, came this way
To ship tin ore from Cornish mines
Three thousand years before these lines.
But still in spite of petty strife
Man lived what’s termed the ‘simple life’
Julius C�sar B.C. 55
Till Julius C�sar in five-five
With his galleys did arrive.
He wrote despatches of the best,
‘Veni, Vidi’ and the rest,
Sending the news of victory home;
And flags then fluttered high in Rome.
His ‘photo’ one plain fact discloses
He brought in fashion Roman noses.
Of this great General ’tis allowed
The best ‘Life’ is by J. A. Froude.
Boadicea A.D. 62
Boadicea earns our praise.
First woman leader in those days;
For Freedom strove all she could do,
’Twas lost in A.D. sixty-two.
Agricola
Then came Agricola one day
And gained a battle near the Tay.
He started trimming up this isle,
And laid out roads in Roman style.
East, North, South, West, it’s safe to say
His handiwork is traced to-day.
The Natives too were taught to know
By busy merchants’ constant flow
The wisdom that great Empire held;
Their ignorance was thus dispelled.
Romans left A.D. 410
About four hundred-ten A.D.
The Romans left sans c�r�monie.
Can it be wondered at when Rome
Was needing help ’gainst Huns at home.
Our antiquarians often find
The relics which they left behind;
A Villa here and pavement there,
Coins galore and Roman ware.
Anglo-Saxons A.D. 430
AND so we run our flippant rhymes
Right on to Anglo-Saxon times.
Hengist and Horsa with their men
Came from their Jutish pirate den,
Jutes
And paid us visits in their ships
Bent on their ruthless looting trips.
And Angles landing in the Humber
Gave that district little slumber.
They plundered morning, noon, and night,
Were rough, uncouth, and impolite,
No ‘By your leave’ or ‘S’il vous plait’
They came to rob, remained to prey.
Horsa 455
Horsa was slain in four-five-five,
Leaving Hengist still alive
To live out his allotted term,
Surviving partner of the Firm.
King Arthur
Time has many a fable wound
About King Arthur’s table round,
Where Knights quaffed cordials, wines and ales,
And told their little fairy tales.
Augustine 597
About six hundred years A.D.
To teach us Christianity
Came Augustine. Wondrous Story;
Canterbury’s Pile his glory.
Heptarchy 827
Called ‘Heptarchy’ the seven Saxon
States each other made attacks on;
After four hundred years they’d striven
They coalesced in eight-two-seven.
Alfred 872–901
OF good King Alfred we’ve all heard
How when hiding he incurred
A lady’s anger for not taking
Care of Cakes which she was baking.
(Most probably she left the King
While she went out a-gossiping.)
Before he died in nine-nought-one,
Old England’s Navy had begun.
He laid a tax on every town
To aid his fleet to gain renown.
He was the best of Saxon Kings
And did a lot of useful things;
Built Oxford with its noble spires
And mapped out England into Shires.
Danes 783
IN seven-eight-three first came the Danes
Who caused the Saxons aches and pains.
They sailed right up our rivers broad,
Putting the natives to the sword.
“Danegeld” 991
For centuries our sadly fated
Towns by them were devastated.
Etheldred the ‘Unready Toff’
By ‘Danegeld’ tries to buy them off.
Canute 1014–1036
TWO hundred years the raiding Danes
Came over. Then their Canute reigns.
We’ll merely mention that he tried
An object lesson with the tide.
Hardicanute 1039–1041
Hardicanute, sad to confess,
Died from drinking to excess.
He couldn’t conquer love of wine
And with him went the Danish line.
Edward the Confessor 1041–1066
EDWARD the Confessor staid
The Saxon line renewed. Remade
At Westminster the Abbey grand,
And signed the first ‘Will’ in this land.
And since his time (’tis not refuted)
Scores of Wills have been disputed.
Ah! legal quibbles such as these
Mean Lawyers waxing rich on fees.
Harold 1066
HAROLD last of the Saxon line
At Hastings made an effort fine
And lost his life—it was to be,
Crushed by the men of Normandy.
From Scandinavia they’d come,
And made fair Normandy their home;
William the Conquerer 1066–1087
Whence William spying out our shore,
Oliver-Twist-like, wanted more.
In ten-six-six he won the day
In that tough fight out Hastings way.
Of course, no record in our reach,
Depicts ‘ole Bill’ thus on the beach.
William the Conquerer 1066–1087
BUT one thing’s certain. Camera men,
If only they’d existed then,
Would have journeyed many a mile
To ‘snap’ King William’s happy smile.
They made him King and schoolbooks say
He ruled with arbitrary sway;
Demanding with sharp battle axes
Instant payment of big taxes.
Curfew
And p’raps it’s just as well to tell
He introduced the Curfew Bell;
So at the early hour of eight
Each doused his glim, raked out his grate.
In bed at eight P.M. each day
Life was but sombre, dull and grey;
No cutting fancy ball room capers,
No Cinemas or evening papers.
He was a bully it is true,
But to allow him his just due
He made reforms; he also took
In hand the bulky Doomsday book.
IN William’s time we’re glad to write
People began to be polite;
Ladies curtseyed to their beaux,
Who smartly raised their gay chapeaux.
The Jews
The Jews he introduced from Spain
Bringing much knowledge in their train
Of Arts and Science; but ‘Longshanks’
Expelled them with no word of thanks.
Feudalism
These were the well known Feudal days,
Tenants were slaves in many ways
To mighty Lords who owned the land
And ruled them with an iron hand.
Not free from duties were the Lords,
The King could call upon their swords
And men to fight in time of need.
So feudal laws of old decreed.
William Rufus 1087–1100
WILLIAM Rufus or the ‘Red’
In ten-eight-seven ruled instead;
This may be; but we know, alack,
Though he was red his deeds were black.
Crusades 1095
The first Crusade in ten-nine-five,
A million men, a very hive,
Swarm to the East, the Holy plain
From the Mohammedans to gain.
Henry I. 1100–1135
HENRY the First, of wisdom rife,
Saxon Matilda makes his wife,
Saxon and Norman line uniting,
A learned chap who loved not fighting.
Stephen 1135–1154
STEPHEN of Blois ascends the throne
And ’gainst Matilda holds his own;
Grandson of the Conqueror;
Died in eleven-fifty-four.
Henry II. 1154–1189
HENRY the Second claims our rhyme
‘The hardest worker of his time’;
A wiser
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