Author: Guy Wetmore Carryl

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a swallow cannot make a summer

It can bring on a summary fall!

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[29]How the Fatuous Wish of a
Peasant Came True

An excellent peasant, Of character pleasant,

Once lived in a hut with his wife. He was cheerful and docile, But such an old fossil

You wouldn’t meet twice in your life. His notions were all without reason or rhyme, Such dullness in any one else were a crime,

But the folly pig-headed To which he was wedded Was so deep imbedded,

it touched the sublime!

He frequently stated Such quite antiquated

And singular doctrines as these: “Do good unto others! All men are your brothers!”

(Of course he forgot the Chinese!) He said that all men were made equal and free, (That’s true if they’re born on our side of the sea!)

That truth should be spoken, And pledges unbroken: (Now where, by that token,

would most of us be?)

[30]

One day, as his pottage He ate in his cottage,

A fairy stepped up to the door; Upon it she hammered, And meekly she stammered:

“A morsel of food I implore.” He gave her sardines, and a biscuit or two, And she said in reply, when her luncheon was through,

“In return for these dishes Of bread and of fishes The first of your wishes

I’ll make to come true!”

[31] That nincompoop peasant Accepted the present,

(As most of us probably would,) And, thinking her bounty To turn to account, he

Said: “Now I’ll do somebody good! I won’t ask a thing for myself or my wife, But I’ll make all my neighbors with happiness rife.

Whate’er their conditions,

Henceforward, physicians

And indispositions

they’re rid of for life!”

[32]These words energetic The fairy’s prophetic

Announcement brought instantly true: With singular quickness Each victim of sickness

Was made over, better than new, And people who formerly thought they were doomed With almost obstreperous healthiness bloomed,

And each had some platitude,

Teeming with gratitude,

For the new attitude

life had assumed.

[33]

Our friend’s satisfaction Concerning his action

Was keen, but exceedingly brief. The wrathful condition Of every physician

In town was surpassing belief! Professional nurses were plunged in despair, And chemists shook passionate fists in the air:

They called at his dwelling,

With violence swelling,

His greeting repelling

with arrogant stare.

[34] They beat and they battered, They slammed and they shattered,

And did him such serious harm, That, after their labors, His wife told the neighbors

They’d caused her excessive alarm! They then set to work on his various ills, And plied him with liniments, powders, and pills,

And charged him so dearly

That all of them nearly

Made double the yearly

amount of their bills.

This Moral by the tale is taught:— The wish is father to the thought. (We’d oftentimes escape the worst If but the thinking part came first!)

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[35]How Hop O’ My Thumb Got
Rid of an Onus

A worthy couple, man and wife, Dragged on a discontented life:

The reason, I should state, That it was destitute of joys, Was that they had a dozen boys

To feed and educate, And nothing such patience demands As having twelve boys on your hands!

[36] For twenty years they tried their best To keep those urchins neatly dressed

And teach them to be good, But so much labor it involved That, in the end, they both resolved

To lose them in a wood, Though nothing a parent annoys Like heartlessly losing his boys!

So when their sons had gone to bed, Though bitter tears the couple shed,

They laid their little plan. “Faut b’en que ça s’fasse. Quand même,” The woman said, “J’en suis tout’ blème.”

“Ça colle!” observed the man, “Mais ça coute, que ces gosses fichus! B’en, quoi! Faut qu’i’s soient perdus!”

(I’ve quite omitted to explain That they were natives of Touraine;

I see I must translate.) “Of course it must be done, and still,” The wife remarked, “it makes me ill.”

“You bet!” replied her mate: “But we’ve both of us counted the cost, And the kids simply have to be lost!”

[37] But, while they plotted, every word The youngest of the urchins heard,

And winked the other eye; His height was only two feet three. (I might remark, in passing, he

Was little, but O My!) He added: “I’d better keep mum.” (He was foxy, was Hop O’ My Thumb!)

[38] They took the boys into the wood, And lost them, as they said they should,

And came in silence back. Alas for them! Hop O’ My Thumb At every step had dropped a crumb,

And so retraced the track. While the parents sat mourning their fate He led the boys in at the gate!

He placed his hand upon his heart, And said: “You think you’re awful smart,

But I have foiled you thus!” His parents humbly bent the knee, And meekly said: “H. O. M. T.,

You’re one too much for us!” And both of them solemnly swore

“We won’t never do so no more!”

The Moral is: While I do not Endeavor to condone the plot,

I still maintain that one Should have no chance of being foiled, And having one’s arrangements spoiled

By one’s ingenious son. If you turn down your children, with pain, Take care they don’t turn up again!

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[39]How the Helpmate of Blue-Beard
Made Free with a Door

A maiden from the Bosphorus, With eyes as bright as phosphorus,

Once wed the wealthy bailiff

Of the caliph

Of Kelat. Though diligent and zealous, he Became a slave to jealousy.

(Considering her beauty,

’Twas his duty

To be that!)

[40] When business would necessitate A journey, he would hesitate,

But, fearing to disgust her,

He would trust her

With his keys, Remarking to her prayerfully:

“I beg you’ll use them carefully.

Don’t look what I deposit

In that closet,

If you please.”

It may be mentioned, casually, That blue as lapis lazuli

He dyed his hair, his lashes,

His mustaches,

And his beard. And, just because he did it, he Aroused his wife’s timidity:

Her terror she dissembled,

But she trembled

When he neared.[41]

[42]

This shows how grim Blue-Beard, when bound on a bat, Instructed his wife on the key of a flat!

[43] This feeling insalubrious Soon made her most lugubrious,

And bitterly she missed her

Elder sister

Marie Anne: She asked if she might write her to Come down and spend a night or two,

Her husband answered rightly

And politely:

“Yes, you can!”

Blue-Beard, the Monday following, His jealous feeling swallowing,

Packed all his clothes together

In a leather-

Bound valise, And, feigning reprehensibly, He started out, ostensibly

By traveling to learn a

Bit of Smyrna

And of Greece.

His wife made but a cursory Inspection of the nursery;

The kitchen and the airy

Little dairy

Were a bore, As well as big or scanty rooms, And billiard, bath, and ante-rooms,

But not that interdicted

And restricted

Little door!

[44]For, all her curiosity Awakened by the closet he

So carefully had hidden,

And forbidden

Her to see, This damsel disobedient Did something inexpedient,

And in the keyhole tiny

Turned the shiny

Little key:

[45]Then started back impulsively, And shrieked aloud convulsively—

Three heads of girls he’d wedded

And beheaded

Met her eye! And turning round, much terrified, Her darkest fears were verified,

For Blue-Beard stood behind her,

Come to find her

On the sly!

[46]Perceiving she was fated to Be soon decapitated, too,

She telegraphed her brothers

And some others

What she feared. And Sister Anne looked out for them, In readiness to shout for them

Whenever in the distance

With assistance

They appeared.

But only from her battlement She saw some dust that cattle meant.

The ordinary story

Isn’t gory,

But a jest. But here’s the truth unqualified. The husband wasn’t mollified

Her head is in his bloody

Little study

With the rest!

The Moral: Wives, we must allow, Who to their husbands will not bow, A stern and dreadful lesson learn When, as you’ve read, they’re cut in turn.

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[47]How Rumplestilz Held Out
in Vain for a Bonus

In Germany there lived an earl

Who had a charming niece: And never gave the timid girl

A single moment’s peace! Whatever low and menial task

His fancy flitted through, He did not hesitate to ask

That shrinking child to do. (I see with truly honest shame you Are blushing, and I do not blame you. A tale like this the feelings softens, And brings the tears, as does “Two Orphans.”)

[48] She had to wash the windows, and

She had to scrub the floors, She had to lend a willing hand

To fifty other chores: She gave the dog his exercise,

She read the earl the news, She ironed all his evening ties,

And polished all his shoes, She cleaned the tins that filled the dairy, She cut the claws of the canary, And then, at night, with manner winsome, When coal was wanted, carried in some!

But though these tasks were quite enough,

He thought them all too few, And so her uncle, rude and rough,

Invented something new. He took her to a little room,

Her willingness to tax, And pointed out a broken loom

And half a ton of flax, Observing: “Spin six pairs of trousers!” His haughty manner seemed to rouse hers. She met his scornful glances proudly— And for an answer whistled loudly!

[49]

[50] But when the earl went down the stair

She yielded to her fears. Gave way at last to grim despair,

And melted into tears: When suddenly, from out the wall,

As if he felt at home, There pounced a singularly small

And much distorted gnome. He smiled a smile extremely vapid, And set to work in fashion rapid; No time for resting he deducted, And soon the trousers were constructed.

The girl observed: “How very nice

To help me out this way!” The gnome replied: “A certain price

Of course you’ll have to pay. I’ll call to-morrow afternoon,

My due reward to claim, And then you’ll sing another tune

Unless you guess my name!” He indicated with a gesture The pile of newly fashioned vesture: His eyes on hers a moment centered, And then he went, as he had entered.

[51] As by this tale you have been grieved

And heartily distressed, Kind sir, you will be much relieved

To know his name she guessed: But if I do not tell the same,

Pray count it not a

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