Author: Guy Wetmore Carryl

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*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GRIMM TALES MADE GAY *** Produced by David Edwards, Jacqueline Jeremy and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)

GRIMM TALES
MADE GAY
By Guy Wetmore Carryl

With GAY PICTURES
By Albert Levering

This shows the sword that Blue-Beard used full sore, After he’d led his young wife to a door.

GRIMM TALES
MADE GAY
By Guy Wetmore Carryl

author of
this …… and many …… other …… things!

PICTURES BY
ALBERT LEVERING

artist of
that …… the other …… and this

boston & new york
houghton, mifflin & co.

TO
CHARLES
WALTON
OGDEN NOTE

I have pleasure in acknowledging the courteous permission of the editors to reprint in this form such of these verses as were originally published in Harper’s Magazine, The Century, Life, The Smart Set, The Saturday Evening Post, The Home Magazine, and the London Tatler.

G. W. C.

The Contents

How the Babes in the Wood Showed They Couldn’t be Beaten

How Fair Cinderella Disposed of Her Shoe

How Little Red Riding Hood Came to be Eaten

How the Fatuous Wish of a Peasant Came True

How Hop O’ My Thumb Got Rid of an Onus

How the Helpmate of Blue-Beard Made Free with a Door

How Rumplestilz Held Out in Vain for a Bonus

How Jack Made the Giants Uncommonly Sore

How Rudeness and Kindness Were Justly Rewarded

How Beauty Contrived to Get Square with the Beast

How a Fair One no Hope to His Highness Accorded

How Thomas a Maid from a Dragon Released

How a Beauty was Waked and Her Suitor was Suited

How Jack Found that Beans May go Back on a Chap

How a Cat Was Annoyed and a Poet Was Booted

How Much Fortunatus Could Do with a Cap

How a Princess Was Wooed from Habitual Sadness

How a Girl was too Reckless of Grammar by Far

How the Peaceful Aladdin Gave Way to His Madness

How a Fisherman Corked up His Foe in a Jar

Envoi [13]How the Babes in the Wood
Showed They Couldn’t be
Beaten

A man of kind and noble mind

Was H. Gustavus Hyde. ’Twould be amiss to add to this

At present, for he died, In full possession of his senses, The day before my tale commences.

One half his gold his four-year-old

Son Paul was known to win, And Beatrix, whose age was six,

For all the rest came in, Perceiving which, their Uncle Ben did A thing that people said was splendid.

[14] For by the hand he took them, and

Remarked in accents smooth:

“One thing I ask. Be mine the task

These stricken babes to soothe! My country home is really charming: I’ll teach them all the joys of farming.”

One halcyon week they fished his creek,

And watched him do the chores, In haylofts hid, and, shouting, slid

Down sloping cellar doors:— Because this life to bliss was equal The more distressing is the sequel.

[15] Concealing guile beneath a smile,

He took them to a wood, And, with severe and most austere

Injunctions to be good, He left them seated on a gateway, And took his own departure straightway.

Though much afraid, the children stayed

From ten till nearly eight; At times they wept, at times they slept,

But never left the gate: Until the swift suspicion crossed them That Uncle Benjamin had lost them.

[16] Then, quite unnerved, young Paul observed:

“It’s like a dreadful dream, And Uncle Ben has fallen ten

Per cent. in my esteem. Not only did he first usurp us, But now he’s left us here on purpose!”

***** For countless years their childish fears

Have made the reader pale, For countless years the public’s tears

Have started at the tale, For countless years much detestation Has been expressed for their relation.

So draw a veil across the dale

Where stood that ghastly gate. No need to tell. You know full well

What was their touching fate, And how with leaves each little dead breast Was covered by a Robin Redbreast!

But when they found them on the ground,

Although their life had ceased, Quite near to Paul there lay a small

White paper, neatly creased.

“Because of lack of any merit, B. Hyde,” it ran, “we disinherit!”

The Moral: If you deeply long To punish one who’s done you wrong, Though in your lifetime fail you may, Where there’s a will, there is a way!

Back to contents

[17]How Fair Cinderella Disposed
of Her Shoe

The vainest girls in forty states Were Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates; They warbled, slightly off the air,

Romantic German songs, And each of them upon her hair

Employed the curling tongs, And each with ardor most intense

Her buxom figure laced,

Until her wilful want of sense

Procured a woeful waist: For bound to marry titled mates Were Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates.

[18] Yet, truth to tell, the swains were few Of Gwendolyn (and Gladys, too). So morning, afternoon, and night

Upon their sister they Were wont to vent their selfish spite,

And in the rudest way: For though her name was Leonore,

That’s neither there nor here, They called her Cinderella, for

The kitchen was her sphere, Save when the hair she had to do Of Gwendolyn (and Gladys, too).

Each night to dances and to fêtes Went Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates, And Cinderella watched them go

In silks and satins clad: A prince invited them, and so

They put on all they had! But one fine night, as all alone

She watched the flames leap higher, A small and stooping fairy crone

Stept nimbly from the fire. Said she: “The pride upon me grates Of Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates.”

“I’ll now,” she added, with a frown,

“Call Gwendolyn and Gladys down!” And, ere your fingers you could snap,

There stood before the door No paltry hired horse and trap,

Oh, no!—a coach and four! And Cinderella, fitted out

Regardless of expense, Made both her sisters look about

Like thirty-seven cents! The prince, with one look at her gown, Turned Gwendolyn and Gladys down!

[19] Wall-flowers, when thus compared with her, Both Gwendolyn and Gladys were. The prince but gave them glances hard,

No gracious word he said; He scratched their names from off his card,

And wrote hers down instead: And where he would bestow his hand

He showed them in a trice By handing her the kisses, and

To each of them an ice! In sudden need of fire and fur Both Gwendolyn and Gladys were.

[20]

At ten o’clock, in discontent, Both Gwendolyn and Gladys went. Their sister stayed till after two,

And, with a joy sincere, The prince obtained her crystal shoe

By way of souvenir.

“Upon the bridal path,” he cried,

“We’ll reign together! Since I love you, you must be my bride!”

(He was no slouch, that prince!) And into sudden languishment Both Gwendolyn and Gladys went.

The Moral: All the girls on earth Exaggerate their proper worth. They think the very shoes they wear Are worth the average millionaire; Whereas few pairs in any town Can be half-sold for half a crown!

Back to contents

[21]How Little Red Riding Hood
Came to be Eaten

Most worthy of praise Were the virtuous ways

Of Little Red Riding Hood’s Ma, And no one was ever More cautious and clever

Than Little Red Riding Hood’s Pa. They never misled, For they meant what they said,

And would frequently say what they meant, And the way she should go They were careful to show,

And the way that they showed her, she went.

For obedience she was effusively thanked,

And for anything else she was carefully spanked.

[22]It thus isn’t strange That Red Riding Hood’s range

Of virtues so steadily grew, That soon she won prizes Of different sizes,

And golden encomiums, too! As a general rule She was head of her school,

And at six was so notably smart That they gave her a cheque For reciting “The Wreck

Of the Hesperus,” wholly by heart! And you all will applaud her the more, I am sure, When I add that this money she gave to the poor.

At eleven this lass Had a Sunday-school class,

At twelve wrote a volume of verse, At thirteen was yearning For glory, and learning

To be a professional nurse. To a glorious height The young paragon might

Have grown, if not nipped in the bud, [23]But the following year Struck her smiling career

With a dull and a sickening thud!

(I have shed a great tear at the thought of her pain, And must copy my manuscript over again!)

[24] Not dreaming of harm, One day on her arm

A basket she hung. It was filled With jellies, and ices, And gruel, and spices,

And chicken-legs, carefully grilled, And a savory stew, And a novel or two

She’d persuaded a neighbor to loan, And a hot-water can, And a Japanese fan,

And a bottle of eau-de-cologne, And the rest of the things that your family fill Your room with, whenever you chance to be ill!

She expected to find Her decrepit but kind

Old Grandmother waiting her call, But the visage that met her Completely upset her:

It wasn’t familiar at all! With a whitening cheek She started to speak,

But her peril she instantly saw:— Her Grandma had fled, And she’d tackled instead

Four merciless Paws and a Maw! When the neighbors came running, the wolf to subdue, He was licking his chops, (and Red Riding Hood’s, too!)

[25]

This shows the bad wolf that came out of the wood, And proved by his actions to be robbin’ Hood.[26]

[27] At this terrible tale Some readers will pale,

And others with horror grow dumb, And yet it was better, I fear, he should get her:

Just think what she might have become! For an infant so keen Might in future have been

A woman of awful renown, Who carried on fights For her feminine rights

As the Mare of an Arkansas town. She might have continued the crime of her ’teens, And come to write verse for the Big Magazines!

[28]The Moral: There’s nothing much glummer

Than children whose talents appall: One much prefers those who are dumber,

But as for the paragons small, If

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